54 Funny Quotes

_____ If you are a passenger in my car and you start singing along to what ever the hell I may be listening to... I will drive that car right off a f**king cliff!

_____ My family didn't even know I was a drinker... until I went to the reunion sober!

_____ Listen lady... When I say "You're beautiful!" The correct response should be "Thank you." Not, "Why is your hand down your pants!?"

_____ Just made a wish by throwing a coin in the fountain.... Guess it didn't work, cause all these people are still staring at me in the mall food court while I take a bath!

_____ Well, I did it... I took the bull by the horns. Now I sh!t myself and walk with a limp

_____ My medicine cabinet looks a lot like my liquor cabinet... minus the medicine (funny liquor quote)

_____ Insulting me will get you nowhere... plus it makes you look like a f**ktard! (insulting quotes)

_____ I get so damn nervous when driving past a cop... I put a seat-belt around my case of beer, slam the open one, swallow the roach and do 4 miles an hour, and just smile and wave! :)

_____ The Internet has totally ruined nudity for me. :(

_____ I'll admit it, I get a little nasty every time I see a camel wearing yoga pants around their feet.

_____ Honey, I'd feel a lot better if you wouldn't chop cucumbers like that... while I'm sleeping in bed!

_____ Building for Rent is the stupidest name change I have ever heard of, for my local Blockbuster.

_____ Is it just me or does Stevie Nicks look like sh!t in that Burger King commercial?

_____ Sometimes, when I'm feeling really old school... I'll pull out a pair of gloves, and smack you across the face.

_____ Whenever someone stops and asks me for directions... I like to punch em in the face, knocking them unconscious, then drive to the liquor store, get drunk, puke in their car, drive back, wake them up and say... No. (funny drunk quote status)

______ I hate in when I see a hot girl, friend request her, text for weeks, decide to meet... and find out its my wife... again! (funny wife quote)

_____ Too many romantic movies and too few hanging ropes

_____‎"I need help".   Ok let me know if you need help - fb friends.

_____You're a f**king idiot, not to be rude or anything

_____If a girl you like rejects you,accuse her of witchcraft,and have her burned at the....no wait,this one's out of date...so nevermind

_____They are saying that the guy who is making jokes about Mark Zuckerberg's marriage will be banned from Facebook. But he is still a Mystery

_____I need a lifeguard in my life because some friends be killing me, especially the ones with bad breath!

_____Most funny people use humor to mask pain and I am no exception. All of my life I have been made fun of...for having a freakishly large organ

_____If your dad asks I was with you last night ok?

_____If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

_____The thing I like about masturbating is that it turns premature ejaculation into effective time management.

_____If having kids has taught me anything, is that it's never too early to get a Vasectomy.

_____I don't want to sound racist or anything, but I'll bet black construction paper prefers white crayons

_____Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to end anytime soon. (funny Siri quote)

_____So as I found myself drunk again on my birthday, I had to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror...then wonder why I was peeing in the sink.....again.....and what happened to my underwear anyway?

_____The only negative thing about not wearing' any underwear is.. zipper chaffage. :(

_____Looks like all the pictures of the sun in my news feed today will ECLIPSE all the pictures of talking cats (funny solar eclipse quote)

_____There was a blackout in my neighborhood this morning.He was just walking his dog but I still locked my doors

_____So there I was sitting in the restaurant having a wank..................when I thought............that's a weird name for a sandwich

_____Do they let you select your own color when they put you in a straight jacket?......asking for a friend.....

_____I missed the eclipse yesterday...... But if you cross your eyes and squint, it looks like there's an eclipse all the time.......... I'm kind of a scientist........ (funny eclipse quote)

_____my friends think so low of me.. which proves they know me well.. :-D

_____Whenever someone brags about their diet, I send a cookie request from 'bakerytown'

_____The East Coast couldn't see the solar eclipse. That is prejudice, eclipse. Prejudice. (funny eclipse quote status)

_____I asked my son if he wanted a better view of the eclipse. When he said yes I mooned him. Get it? The moon was in front of the son. Yeah he didnt laugh either (Solar eclipse quote status joke)

_____My friend is so fat the only thing that fits him at the mall is the cologne

_____They raised her up a lady but there's one thing they couldn't avoid.. ladies love biker boys! :)

_____They say that 43% of the hot chicks on Facebook are really guys thats why I only jack off to the ugly ones

_____I don't know which is gayer... This post or you liking it?

_____Well, if you didn't want me to joust your kid while riding this ostrich... then you should of took him off the f*cking playground!

_____I recently bought a guard dog and he is really awesome... I haven't been able to get into my house for 3 days now!

_____if i poke you means i like you.. if i try to kill you.. its probably love

_____My roommate said to me, Im sick of you being so lazy...just pack your bags and leave...and I was all You pack them. (lazy quote)

_____If writing statuses were an Olympic sport some of you wouldn't qualify for the Special ones (funny Olympic quote status)

_____Sometimes the best advice comes from the most unsuspected people............Just last night a hooker told me "I wouldn't lick there if I was you"

_____call the cops on me for driving over your grass with my four wheeler? Just wait to see what 50 pounds of flour does to your swimming pool.

_____I hope my online gf never finds out that there is no wife and that I'm only leaving my stuffed animals behind.

_____Don't let anyone tell "YOU" you're not good enough. Let me. Trust me, I wouldn't steer you wrong.

_____Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to go to a public place and eat a banana really slow while making eye contact with everyone. Everyone.

_____People always say its a small world but I never run into Beyonce

_____My car broke down so my wife gave me a lift to work today.................I don't know why people thought it was so strange for her to be carrying me in her arms! (funny quote status about wife)

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_____The wife said she wanted me to do something to make her feel special, so I bought her a foam helmet (funny wife quote status)

_____I can make sandwiches while face down or on my back. just consider me the perfect woman.

_____Hey kids, it is easier to make a fake state liquor inspectors ID than a 21 year olds' ID, and a hell of a lot more fun.

_____I just opened an advice booth... and the answer is always "F**k yeah!" NEXT!

_____Kissing things better is for babies. If I'm sad you should lick me better.

_____I finally found LOVE!!! Page 803 in the dictionary.

_____I still think that if people put "what's on their mind" and were honest---statistically the most popular status update would be lust.

_____Just found out that Google searches stay on your hard drive forever.. Needless to say my PC will never be for sale.. (funny Google quote status)

_____Great news everyone, my grandma' turns 103 next month ................................. Maybe.

_____In a survey it was assessed that apparently 100% of the guys who have seen me with or without clothes wish that i should try wearing Cat-woman or super-woman outfits.. :-D

_____things you play with excessively sometimes break.. like toys.. someday it will be your p*n!s.. :))

_____i run away from alot of things in life.. Reality is just one of them..

_____Pop music wouldn't be so bad, but they want you to do so much shit. I just don't wanna "smack it up, flip it or rub it down."

_____C'mon facebook...just forty more likes and I can save that little girls life..

_____I'm not really into big b**bs, but sometimes my face is!

_____I seem to have this thing for people that annoy the hell out of me. I like to call it a b!tch slap

_____If you're getting the most incredibly smooth shave with a blade ever, put your glasses back on and take the plastic slide cap off.

______My wife says she is leaving me cuz i'm delusional and make things up. Stupid b!tch. Im not even married. (funny wife quote)

_____I just love when the girl at the pharmacy gives me head........and shoulders shampoo for my itchy scalp

_____A good mom will always make sure her kids have marshmallows ready to roast BEFORE setting daddy on fire

_____Look lady I most certainly did not see a "no masturbating " sign so could u do your freaking job and just serve me my coffee!!!!

_____When I was younger I had a 50 cent piece. Then her friend told her she isn't charging enough

_____I'm "Bi-Curious". I'm curious enough to stand bi watching two chicks...in REAL life!

_____I hate when I meet someone my age and I think they're older then me. Makes me wonder how these people see me.

_____If your mind is always in the gutter you must suck at bowling (funny mind quote)

_____How about that Time Magazine cover....yeah that kid when he's in his 20's is going to be at the bar...."Yeah, i've been on the cover of Time Magazine" 

_____Ever wanted to fry some eggs to make a sandwich but it starts to stick to the pan......so u end up with some lovely scrambled eggs!!!

_____Two things I hate worse than anything... Drunk people who misspell siht and I forget the other

_____I ate a box of cereal for dinner and now my Life is in the toilet

_____If someone does the right thing but only has one leg, does that make them a 'goody one shoe' ???

_____This status is just a test to see if anyone is paying attention to me!

_____I sure wish you would figure out if your going to deactivate your account or leave it open, I never know when to stalk you anymore!

_____I sure wish you would figure out if your going to deactivate your account or leave it open, I never know when to stalk you anymore!

_____I saw someone got both their ears pierced yesterday................I'm really shitty at darts

_____Ironic that One Direction goes both ways.

_____The older you get, the better life insurance you have, and the more my doctors tell me that I can not fly.

_____Now thats the 5th time I've had my application for the special olympics declined...it seem that there is no such thing as a giant dwarf :(

_____I saw a smart car on fire as I was driving down the highway... so I spit out the window and put it out.

_____You know all those "Terms of Service" agreements you skip over without reading... Well, you've just adopted my kids! Hey, whatever... I don't make the rules, read that sh*t next time!

_____Well work is now over and its time for me to partaaay!!...........and by that I mean read FB posts!!!

_____I just tagged you in a post and deleted it, because, I like having you wonder what I said about you.

_____Someone told me I was a very Purr-Swaying person... and I don't even own a cat or a hammock!?

_____I smoke flavoured cigarettes because regular cancer is too mainstream

_____There are times when I have more sh!t on my mind than a bug on a windshield

_____My dog is supposed to be my best friend, but that little b!tch would not give me a ride to the airport.

_____   Metaphor - somebody who gave up on meeting a ten and decided to be a bit more realistic.

_____In high school I made the polo team. I wasn't good enough to start thought so I just rode the bench.

_____Feel the curiosity rushing up your nerves as you try to figure the punch line of this post....  ...Now note the pissed off feeling.

_____I would love to have all the relationships in my life be as effective as ketchup. That sh!t makes everything taste better

_____I would eat a lot more salad if it tasted like a cheeseburger.

_____kids, dont do drugs.. Cuz you know i am possessive about my love!! (funny love quote saying)

_____they should just call it wastebook all the time wasted on it i could have read a good book (funny Facebook status)

_____my friend and his girl friend died today.. But the food in their marriage was really nice..

_____I'm angry like Hulk, but only my finger seems to be swelling from getting stuck in between the door.

_____I've got brains, courage, determination and insight. If I  would be a cute chick I would be unstoppable.

_____I think my mom enjoys the pearl necklace I give her for Mother's Day every year. But for some reason it makes my Dad so upset. (funny mother's day quote status)

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_____My friends are like a box of Cracker Jacks. The nuts are my favorite

_____Holy shit, John Travolta? No wonder why you're such an awesome dancer. (funny John Travolta quote status)

_____Sometimes I talk to myself and laugh because I'm just that hilarious (hilarious quote)

_____i dont get it - females these days are becoming teen moms or they maintain themselves too well.. !! :-/

_____Totally forgot that there is no auto correct when hand writing, doubt the boss is going to like my report!!

_____Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop. Though I prefer acid....

_____I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me...moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'.

_____They say you should never go to bed angry. But then they say if you have a problem, you should sleep on it, so how does that work?

_____I don't care if you know what I did last summer, just tell me what the hell I did last night!!

_____The best thing to do to look Happy is to make everyone around you look miserable.. Magic

_____I like my boss like I like my alcohol…Shot

_____it's so pathetic that we have to work for money to buy important stuff that we need to survive.. i wish barter system would still work... cuz i can offer to perform a snake dance for some beer... :-)

_____I would never sell my soul to the Devil. But I'm pretty open to leasing it to him.

_____This bed is far too comfy to get out of to pee... ahhh.... I feel better (lazy quote)

_____either be mine.. Or you shall not see the sunshine.. ~ romantic talk with the guy in the basement ;-)

_____When I told you I liked you better au naturale I didn't mean without makeup.. I meant without clothes.. so umm... Not to sound rude but before the latter could you perhaps fix the former? yeah... Ill miss her.

_____Men. I have all secrets on how to woo a woman. Rule 1. Stop trying to woo more than one at a time.

_____It's a shame I don't have a reflection in the mirror because I'm so pretty.

_____Great. If gays can get married they won't have time to plan straight weddings.

_____an eye infection due to sperm in the eye is cumjunctivitis

_____sometimes I hear a voice telling me to stop drinking. Found out during an ultrasound, it was my liver.

_____your face isn't anything a bottle of tequila cant fix

_____I might find my soulmate if I actually had a soul

_____When I post a status and get only two "likes", it really pisses me off to have a friend steal it and get 20. I think I need a better class of friends!

_____Sarah jessica parker was so cute when she was only a pony (funny Sarah Jessica Parker quote status joke)

_____I always do what makes me happy..........whether its right or wrong............or legal

_____It may be the alcohol talking, but you are sexy as hell!!. Wait, yup, its the alcohol

_____I guess haha you clutz! was an insensitive response to my friends story about how he lost his leg.

_____If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces........ they always seem to attract trouble

_____Sometimes, I like to go to T.G.I. Fridays on Sunday and get sh*t faced... just to prove that us real drunks still exist.

_____I carry redbox movies in my purse for weeks...thug life

_____I would make a post about having a drink but I don't drink so screw you! (that's the alcohol talking)

_____I am so clever sometimes........ Just wish other people were around when I am..

_____I suck at saying goodbyes...thus is why I stalk

_____I cant make you love me, but I can sure as hell test the restrictions on that restraining order.

_____I wish they would make, "faces of death" where you could choose the face.

_____I met a beautiful girl last night. She was quite a squirter. So what if she was squirting pepper spray. It still counts

_____I must taste freakin' awesome! My dog wont stop licking me!

_____ Be careful what you wish for. One time I was going on a date and I wished that she would want to have kiss. She did want to...just not with me

_____Better late than never................ Period probably.

_____If you don't like peeing alone, get a dog.

_____You can't put a value on a human life, but my wife's life insurance company made a pretty fair offer.

_____The doctor told me that I should watch my waist line, so I put it out where I could keep an eye on it. (funny Doctor quote status)

_____Don't be silly, of course I don't hate you,if I hated you, I wouldn't make fun of you.....

_____I got a tattoo of the Facebook logo on my arm and now my arm doesn't work....

_____My grandpa is insisting on buying a guitar.. I think he's gonna start a new genre of music.. "near death metal"

_____i only work so i can earn money.. Money for all my bills.. Like beer, joints, friends, pizza and gadgets...  Am i forgetting anything..??

_____My doctor tries so hard to be hip. I was being examined for a bad case of compacted fecal matter in my colon, and as he looked at the results he proclaimed that shit is tight! (funny doctor status joke)

_____Useless scientists !! They say smoking weed causes short term memory loss......next they will be saying that smoking weed causes short term memory loss ...

_____I will always be nice to you but only because you have pictures of me naked.. O_O

_____a school teacher is always drunk..so we call her high school teacher

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_____I'm doing my best to keep up with my daily habit of positive thinking, for instance, instead of the word stalking, I prefer to use the phrase careful surveillance, it sounds so much professional. (funny stalking quote)

_____No honey, I will not cut the grass, god himself said today is a day of rest.........as I'm "working" on a twelve pack.....

_____If its an open bar, why are they getting so upset with me drinking straight from the tap? (funny bar quote)

_____I always talk to myself cause I give the best advice....

_____If your happy and you know it, get on your knees and make me happy!

_____I hate it when a woman asks me to find a strong man to open a jar for her... go find him yourself

_____I think my friends on facebook are stalking me how else would u explain them knowing when i am online.

_____Don't Ask Questions..FIND MY PANTS AND HELP ME OFF THE ROOF!!!!!!!

_____Yes mom yes... Everybody i talk to is my girlfriend

_____Some people write the most pointless status'.. like this one..

_____When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad........this may or may not be about food

_____I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

_____If I only had one wish; I would wish that my wife didn't get half of that wish.

_____I'm pretty SURE, that I would get more enjoyment out of sipping toilet water out of a shot glass, than reading YOUR posts.

_____Marriage? yeah, it's a lot like tennis.  All about the back hand baby. (funny marriage quote)

_____I hope you know that when I post about banging your mom I am only joking.I would never bang your mom in real life. She's too nasty

_____I was having such a great day..... until I logged in and saw that we were still friends.:(

_____It's awesome to see people getting better at writing coherent sentences on FB. Soon, they'll make sense too.....

_____My doctor said I have never put that many checks on someones chart in my life, you owe me a pen.

_____If you have never rear ended someone just to get their address you are NOT a true stalker (funny stalker quote)

_____I think my friend is gay. I saw him working out inside of a Jim

_____I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria

_____"I don't know how to say this." - People with lisps

_____If I'm ever on MTV cribs, I'm pointing at my computer chair and saying "this is where the magic happens"

_____Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendy's back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.

_____All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing..I was drunk had money to blow.

_____i am so stressed that i have turned forgetful.. Its a pain.. Especially for the guy whom i forgot in my basement for a week.. :-/

_____My wife has done everything to make me a better person, but after 3 years I'm divorcing her... ...Now I'm too good for her.

_____‎If I make eye contact with you and say "Good morning".. consider that a sincere "F**k You." :)

_____I think some people are really slacking here tonight, what if this was an emergency?

_____Sometimes I abuse the system, by deleting my notifications before I read them.

_____Why does everyone want me to do stuff for the love of god? I thought he was supposed to love me no matter what.

_____I "liked" YOU, sooooOooo much more.....  When I didnt even KNOW you.

_____So you're on facebook moaning about facebook, and now I'm on facebook moaning about you being on my facebook. Damn this irony! (funny facebook status)

_____Chick at work said I should attend church because I swear a lot and it would be good for me. Yeah, I told her to fuck off.
_____Just when we thought there was nothing more to like, you came along, and now there's more of nothing to like.
_____Honey you've never looked better(oh God did i just say that?)
_____If it doesn't kill me the first time... ya damn right I'm gonna do it again!!!
_____Just spent 1/2 an hour typing 2 envelopes in case you were wondering how busy I am
_____Working from home is great, but I guess when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.
_____I was pretty sure I knew everything, then someone told me "omniscient" was a real word. (funny grammar quote)
_____One of my greatest nightmares is when that girl whose status I've been liking of, start asking me why I liked it, why I liked it. (funny nightmare)
_____This new chick at work has a huge crush on me...*she hasn't received it Yet tho*
_____what would you do if i didn't know what to do but what you thought you wanted to do but didn't know what to do then why am i typing this shit.
_____How life fakes an orgasm..? My weekdays last for 6 days and weekend is for 1 day!! (funny life quote)
_____I must remember to put pants back on when I go outside to smoke....especially on the front porch.

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44 Funny Quotes

_____I was thinking about when I met my wife. I'll never forget the first thing she ever said to me. " Stop following me, you f**king freak!!!"  (short joke)

_____I poked your mom today. Then I logged on to Facebook (funny facebook quote status)_____Wonders if when I'm about to go to sleep, the people in my dreams shudder and think, "oh no, she's back again!" 
_____I'm the kind of friend who will give a person a hug when they need it and a swift kick in the a** when they need it and I feel that the latter is more often needed. 
_____I'm going to succeed in business without really trying. By succeed, I mean fail, and by trying I mean taking a lot of naps. 
_____Facebook is like a men locker room at the gym. All the nuts hang out here (funny Facebook Status)
_____I'll go hiking with any woman if it leads to the trail head. 
_____You can tell by my calf muscles that I kick people while they're down. 
_____Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post. 
_____I overheard a woman telling her boyfriend that he spends too much time on Facebook. Then she got mad, because I was ignoring her. 
_____I am rich, good looking and hung like a horse. I just wish I could stop telling lies_____Barbra Walters has been arrested in LA for stealing kitchen utensils. She pleaded, "It was a wisk I had to take." (Funny Barbra Walters quote joke) 
_____It is impossible to send a hug thru the internet but if you send me a topless photo I will HUG myself 
_____No, I do not want to go to my school reunion, I have facebook, I can see that you've turned into a fat ugly b!tch..... 
_____My wife said she's leaving me because of my addiction to Facebook, I didn't comment, I just gave her a thumbs up. (funny wife quote) 
_____Being on Facebook is like being constipated. I cant seem to log out (funny Facebook status) 
_____I tried to chase my dreams... but realized I had a knife in my hand, so now they're scared of me. :( (funny dream quote) 
_____I once dated a guy named Mike who hated to be called Michael. Then I dated a guy named Dave who really hated to be called Michael. ;) 
_____I am not a stalker!!!! I just believe in extensively participating in the neighborhood watch program. (funny stalker quote) 
_____I single handedly prevented a mass murder at work today or I gave in a smoked a cigarette, ever how you want to say it. (funny smoking quote) 
_____I saw a sign in the store that said pants up to 80% off so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on :( 
_____ jealous of the toilet bowl because i hug it more then him :( 
_____This lady just told me that her coffee was superior to mine........ Well Latte Da! 
_____For the past year, I've been putting all my loose change into a piggy bank. Today, I smashed it open and I now have enough money to buy another piggy bank. Result. 
_____I've been buying way too much alcohol from the other day... I think I may have a really serious problem.. . I'm becoming a shopaholic 
_____Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle. 
_____Don't want someone to sit next to you on the bus? Easy. Just shit your pants. 
_____I'm going to stop asking people the proverbial question  "How stupid can you get?". Some people see it as a challenge. 
_____Make this conversation quick, I don't have all day, I'm a very busy person. And when you're done, close the door, so I can finish my nap. Thanks! 
_____I love all four letter words.....except STOP.... 
_____This lady asked me if I believe in reincarnation... Psst!, I don't even put cream in my coffee to begin with. 
_____I sneezed at my job earlier......... I then said Excuse me....I must be allergic to being good at my job. We all had a good laugh & went back to work...... 
_____What are you the wallfather? I will write whatever the hell I want! 
_____They say that watching fish has a calming effect but I been staring at this tuna casserole for like an hour and it has done nothing for my anxiety. 
_____What exactly is the geographical area where they laugh 'ahahah' instead of 'hahaha'? Do they chop off an 'a' or they add one? Or perhaps they read it backwards? These questions don't let me sleep.
_____My doctor told me you have 3 months left to live.  YAY! The governor told me that I was getting executed tomorrow!  In your FACE governor!!
_____Sometimes I forget that I'm not an actual king in reality......so that throat punch to the man in the liquor store for not bowing down to me was a bit probably over the edge

_____WooHoo! I just won $500 on a lottery ticket. I just knew buying 1000 tickets today was a good investment (funny lotto quote)

_____Whenever I'm questioning an important decision, I visit with my cardiologist. He always tells my heart is in the right place.

_____They say it is better to have loved than lost.....but if u ask me.........I'll tell u to fuck off and stop asking me questions!!!

_____Don't listen to what people say "Follow You Dreams"...unless you are a fat b!tch cos you won't be able catch up with it. (funny dream quote)

_____They say "misery loves company"...if that's true...where the fuck is my company?

_____I think tomorrow I will update my profile picture with a duck face picture of myself. :)

_____These tragic stories on the news would be alot easier to watch if the background music was the Benny Hill theme.

_____Your honor ,As far as I know, silence is consent.....and she didn't say ntn when I asked if she wanted to be locked up In my basement......................and I'm sure the duct tape over her mouth had nothing to do with it!!!!!

_____A pig with lipstick is still a pig. But for some reason, me with lipstick makes me the most popular guy in the entire prison.

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_____I don't get why my friend keeps talking about his "Trophy Wife". "Honorable Mention Wife" at best I think.
_____I tried to express my feelings with dance moves but no one understood me. Next time I will hire an interpreter 
_____I had somethin' good to say but.. well, I'm kinda baked. Yeah, mon! :) 
_____I was in a very committed relationship.. till my wife found out.. now.. not so much..._____My pet rock doesn't look too well today. I think he's stoned. 
_____I may not be a taxidermist but I will still mount your a** 
_____I am wearing a hospital gown and my wife is wearing a sexy nurse outfit because that is how we role-play 
_____I've found that writing 'I know you wanted to keep it a secret, but congratulations on your new baby!' on a random friend's wall really livens up a boring Wednesday night on the Net._____I post at least once a day... just to let my friends and family know I'm still alive. 
_____If you play the lotto while sitting down, you don't stand a chance. (funny lotto quote)
_____Somewhere in a parallel universe everything is side by side and the same distance apart.. (awesome funny quote status) 
_____I went to go jogging this morning, got all the way to the mailbox, and realized I was naked... and I had no where to put my cigarettes. 
_____It's a good thing that "Pokes" don't show up in the news feed... or your mom would be pissed! 
_____You guys should watch the Asian version of "How I Met Your Mother". It's a single episode called "I Met Her At Our Wedding". (How i met your mother quotes) 
_____I think it's been too long since I've gotten laid. I saw 262 clouds today and every single one looked like a you. 
_____I went to this fat lady and told her wow you're fat..she said tell me something I don't know..I told her:"salad tastes nice" 
_____I've just read a book on the tallest building in the world.......................................u should see people going all crazy trying to get me from off the top of there 
_____If you judge my personal life solely by how many Facebook event invites I receive, I look pretty f**kin' popular!!!!.... 
_____I am Mr. Right Now. True story :( 
_____I've decided that there's only one thing better than watching Nascar.......that would be not watching Nascar. (funny NASCAR quote) 
_____My boss is in a bad mood So I tried to lighten it. By holding her down and painting a white out smile on her face. It didn't work. 
_____I was beginning to get a bit drunk yesterday , at my 44th birthday party. Next year I'll stick to just the one , like everybody else 
_____why don't people stop posting their pictures in their workplace on facebook? Dear Strippers this isn't about you of course (funny stripper quote status) 
_____Bipolar????? NOOOoooooo...... I prefer the phrase "emotionally undecided". (bipolar quote status) 
_____Last night I was so high, I attempted to eat my bowl of fruity pebbles with a fork (Short jokes) 
_____I think those people that like to go out and feel the cool breeze and smell the roses and all that other nature shit ......have not yet discovered the internet and facebook!! 
_____Boss just told me I've been making a lot of bad decisions lately... I said, "It's probably just the alcohol talking." 
_____ I fell into a burning ring of fire, ya I was way to drunk for flaming shots._____All I want is a car horn that says f#ck you! 
_____I never pass up a chance to hold bees. Cuz you know, beauty is in the eye of the beeholder. 
_____Is it just me or does whenever someone says premature.....u just feel the need to quickly jump up and say 'ejaculation' 
_____Hey I didnt mean to say her nose is big ....I just meant to say that she could smoke a cigarette in the shower.
_____I should just strap my phone to my hubby's forehead just so it looks like I'm paying attention to him
_____In YOUR case, stupidity is genetic. Sooooo.... now, you really can blame YOUR parents. Hope I helped.
_____I picked up a hitchhicker for the first time today just to prove what a bada** I can be.
_____I have a friend that lost 2 legs at war, I always feel like an a**hole when I introduce him as a "stand up guy.
_____Mothers Day already? shit, I gotta think of a good gift for Mom! I mean, I know what I'm giving to your Mom on Mothers Day, but I really can't give that to mine.
_____Today at work I noticed a sign that said "Why Do You Go to Work?" Under it on the large piece of paper I wrote, "It's better than being waterboarded."
_____I am going to teach my son some of the important life lessons that my dad never taught me, and I learned the hard way. For example, do not jack into the same sock you will be wearing the next day.
_____There are no good statuses... No bad ones either... Just statuses... –Buddha
_____I completely humiliated my ex's new boyfriend. I made him look worthless, weak, and girly, like he wasn't even a man. Then I realized my ex had not arrived yet and I had wasted the whole thing ... damn premature emasculation.
______I misread my stupid lease and moved out two weeks before I had to ... I hate premature evacuation.
______Sometimes I look at the sky......marvel at its beauty.......and realize I passed out on the lawn again......
______I think it is really rude that people around here will not click "like" on my statuses just because they are not funny, clever or original.
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_____If your lover makes you an option in their life instead of a priority, it's time to consider other options. (funny love quote)
_____I would give more homeless people money but I'm always worried he'll just go blow it on sharpies and cardboard to make signs. 
_____ Redneck word.              Artichoke. Boy, that was a stupid thing to do I artichoke the living, mess outta you.
_____The UK government has suggested re-using bath water in the current "drought" which I've done but my cup of tea tastes terrible.
_____Who says I am no good at this parenting crap. My girlfriend was complaining that her son was still wetting the bed, the electric blanket should take care of that after he shocks himself a time or two.
_____Whoever came up with the advertising slogan of "Have a happy period!" should have a happy face drawn on their forehead. With bullet holes. 
_____my wife says i always embarrass her out in public  i don’t act weird or anything  its jus that i m hideously ugly!!
_____I don't mean to brag ladies, but I'm pretty much amazing in bed.....I can sleep for hours._____I have a dream that one day, all women will be judged not by their beauty, but by their ability of sandwich making.
_____Can't give a compliment anymore.. all I said was "nice tits" to a coworker. If he's gonna get so offended, then he should button up his shirt.
_____am not gonna buy Samsung Galaxy SIII since its a bit thicker,slower and smaller than Galaxy S4. (funny samsung SIII quote)
_____It's not true that all I think about is myself. Sometimes I think about you thinking about me._____My coworkers thought is was so nice that I wanted to sign Ms. Knowitall's going away card.  "Good Riddance B!tch" kinda snapped 'em back to reality. :) 
_____Sometimes when you turn over a new leaf, you may realize it's been lying on a huge pile of dog shit.
_____The only way I could ever love you more is if you were me. (funny love quote status)_____My foot's about to become a huge part of your a**'s life
_____I told an off color joke at work, and my coworker called me a racist.....I wonder how he knew that I love marathons and biking?
_____If u couldn't tell by how I talk, or how I walk I'll go ahead and wear v neck t-shirt 3 sizes to small just to tip you off.  - Gay Dudes
_____I donated a kidney last week... OK it wasn't mine but still 
_____I was bored while taking a shit so I grabbed this shampoo bottle.. but the damn security at the supermarket threw me out before finishing it
_____I sat behind two girls who were complaining about shy guys and how much work it is to deal with them. I would've said something, but.....Yeah!!!
_____Nothing beats getting paid to do nothing.  (awesome funny quote)
_____Wow, eating Lucky Charms out of your "bowl"... really is magically delicious! ;)_____Sure I think you have great legs but honestly baby those are the first things I get out of my way. 
_____I had to break up with my Chinese Girlfriend, I never get satisfied. Every time I went down on her, I was hungry 30 minutes later.
_____my boyfriend thinks i do everything in extremes.. Shall i agree for a lesbian threesome or burn down his house.. I dont know!! :-/
_____Kind of person I have turned myself into I don't expect no likes on my posts. Unicorns don't.
_____My girlfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove her wrong?_____when she said, "I can drink you under the table!" I thought she was offering me a Bl0wj0b and that's why my pants are down, Officer.
_____I went to a theme park yesterday... the theme was h0rny single mothers
_____I don't always practice safe texts but when I do, I'm usually on public transit.
_____I don't commute to work, I pilot a fighter jet and the cruise and volume controls on my steering wheel are missile launchers.
_____I really need to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up because I'm 100% certain this job ain't it.
_____I fuggin hate these two types of people in the world 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words that aren't actually there.....2) Hippocrites. 
_____I've just ordered the personal number plate 'BAA BAA'....I'm sure it will look cool on my Black Jeep. 
_____With the present economy, bread and water is the new steak and wine. (funny economy quote)
_____When life gives me lemons I put my foot up its a**!
_____My rabbit died today... now its just "Some bunny i used to know"
_____I wish there was a way to notify the cars behind me that it's really not me, it's the a**hole in front of me!
_____My passive aggressive way of telling my co-workers to stop eating my food is putting up "missing" posters around our workplace with a picture of my sandwich on it..
_____OKIE.. I've stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer.. And another Facebook Night begins!
_____I have this condition which prevents me from going on a diet . . . I get hungry
_____I'm running for president... Write me in
_____I was talking to a chick in the bar last night. She said, "If you dressed better, got a shave and a hair cut, you'd look hot."  I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

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_____I'm very good at graphic design and calligraphy, and I have certificates in biochemistry, biology, quantum physics, math and rocket science to prove it.
_____They say: "the freaks come out at night". This is why I stay indoors until it's dark. I don't want to screw up the eco-system. (freaking quote)
_____Please let me know if and how, I offended you in any of my postings. It makes it a lot easier to target those weaknesses for up-coming posts
_____It's stupid how some people break into a song out of nowhere, I swear sometimes it's like I waited my whole life for this one night, Its gonna be me you and the dancefloor.
_____If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, then give me a call. I'll reaffirm that for ya
_____Sometimes I feel guilty if there is a comment on a status that has no likes while the rest of the comments have several. So...if I like your comment and nobody else does...it's more than likely a 'sympathy like'.
_____I hate to say I told you so, because I have a lisp and it sounds stupid.
_____You know, when I'll have children I'm gonna force them to watch the movie 2012 and tell them I fuggin survived this whole movie !! (funny 2012 movie quote status)
_____That awkward moment when you post inspirational thoughts on Facebook… and your comments are filled with: “That’s deep!”, “Who hacked into your account?”, “I don’t get it.”, “Did the aliens get you?”, “Drink another one!”, “Where’s the punch line?” etc… (awkward moment joke)
_____My boss suggested me to start the presentation with something funny and practical.... So I attached my salary slip on the very first slide.
_____It takes *time to understand women.  *FOREVER
_____If I write your name on my notebook, that means I like you. If I write it in blood, that means I love you to death. (funny love quote)
_____Keep your friends close, and your enemies oh, hey! I didn't even see you there! How are things? Good, good.
_____Why is it whenever someone in here calls someone stupid, I assume they are talking about YOU? (funny offensive quote)
_____I don't mean to brag, but I was just surfing the net, and I found out that there are several single women in my area dying to meet me.
_____I got on my jogging suit, tennis shoes, headband, pedometer, and bottle of water, I'm ready...to get on the computer and do some facebooking...ooooh, what a workout.
_____I see your name written in the stars. Actually, when I "connect the dots" it spells out "f**king b!t*h." Close enough.
_____I just found out it takes exactly 14 frozen potatoes thrown from 200 feet to completely destroy my neighbor's shed.
_____The iPhone 5 is like constipation. Stop waiting for it. It ain't gonna happen. (funny iPhone quote status)
_____Why do women live a longer, better and peaceful life? Cuz women don't have a f**king wife!
_____Today I met eyes with a beautiful lady. She looked at me, it felt like love & time stood still for a second. But then she closed her blinds.
_____If you get a friend request from me its because I like funny people. If you dont get one its because I like funny people
_____My wife constantly complains and whines about me not giving her enough time. Thank god my girlfriend is not like that.
_____Yesterday was my best friend's best day. So I asked him to be patient till i log on facebook so i can wish him a Happy Birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
_____Sometimes I like your Post to give you a hug ;)
_____If at first you don't succeed, I'd suggest you hurl yourself into traffic. I saw your first attempt and dude, you suck.
_____I'm a fair weather friend. Don't ask me to do shit unless it's nice out. :)
_____Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn!
_____You can actually fall in love with your own Wife/Girlfriend if some other man describes her to you.
_____Why do girls pluck their eyebrows first... and then draw them with eyebrow pencil & liners and stuff.
_____Me: Nice monkey. Woman at store: That's my baby! Me: Oh. <walks away>
_____I'm going out shopping today... to try and find a new Facebook outfit.
_____i woke up all peace and calm today, googled my symptoms and realized i might be dead.. :-/
_____The only time I make someone hot and bothered is when I'm burning their house to the ground. (funny offensive quote)
_____To the people who don't like me.. suck it. To the people that do like me.. same thing. :)
_____The weather man said tomorrow is gona b twice as cold as it is today....but its now 0˚ so how cold will it be? (funny weather quote status)
_____Know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy ---------->
_____Every time I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside
_____Sometimes I like to just stop everything I'm doing and reflect on the life I have lived...but I'm always interrupted by the people in the back of the bus telling me to watch where I'm f**king driving
_____I'm so paranoid half of the time I'm worried about what's gonna happen the other half of the time (funny paranoid quote status)
_____I was going take a photo of myself in front of my bathroom mirror, but then I remembered, I'm not a douchebag

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_____I tell my husband "your so handsome" He turns and tells me "you too" He so sweet. He didn't have to compliment me back, I already know I'm handsome.
_____Since arriving here on earth, I have come to the conclusion that since the beginning of time, no matter what the event was, a pair of b**bs were involved in some way.
_____Come on, come on, come here, come on... Sigh*... Come on, come on, come on, come here... Sigh* Come on, come on, come here, damn it come on, Sigh* Seriously? Will you come on!? Hurry up! Come on, come on, come here... Sigh* This is me every time I try to get my damn stupid dog to come back in the house!
_____My neighbor is very disappointed with her plastic surgeon but to be fair she did let him make all the decisions. Her mother taught her that it was impolite to pick her nose.
_____I am too nice to unfriend anyone. So I just post offensive stuff on their wall until they block me
_____LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A LITTLE FACE ON YOUR MAKE-UP THERE (funny make up quote)
_____My main goal in life is to find out what my main goal in life is. Er... that was easy (funny life quote)
_____I don't hate you..I'm in hate with you
_____For those who put their Text Massages as Facebook status.... "do you think only you are smart enough to have a Mobile Phone......??..,get a Mirror! and look how 'BIG A**' you are."
_____Roses are green, Violets are pink Rhymes are hard to find when you're colorblind.. :D
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue can I touch your butt cause I know you're gonna say you sure can do!!
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue you are so bad and i'm gonna kill you..
_____Roses are red, violets are blue... I'll kill myself and put the blame on you.
_____Hey, I haven't seen you in years...*walks away* OMG! THEY'VE GOTTEN HOT!!
_____This goes out to all the chicks out here.. I can be your facebook stalker! I can click away the pain, I'll be on your wall forever.. You can't take my mouse away.. ♥
_____Confession: I'm nt really a good speller I just type something kinda close to what I want to say and let my phone correct it (funny confession)
_____When faced with a difficult task...always find a lazy person, because they will find the easiest way to accomplish it.
_____And never start a sentence with a conjunction because that's bad grammar! (funny grammar quote)
_____Women and logic are three different thing.
_____My neighbor thinks I have been watching her. I have no idea what she stalking about
_____Migraines don't happen by themselves. They're usually coupled with obnoxious people. And having a job. (funny job quote)
_____If you won't judge me because I am single, I promise not to judge you because you've settled:)
_____Sometimes I keep Facebook open in two browsers to remind myself I'm worthless
_____My Doctor this morning:"Ever have thoughts of hurting yourself?" Me:"Nope." Doc:"Any idea why not?"
_____It's really kinda strange how my phone drops calls whenever someone calls to ask me a favor
_____Even the f**k that I don't give doesn't give a sh*t, which in turn doesn't give a f**k of its own. Questions?
_____When she said she was blowing bubbles, I had no clue that was the name of her lover. :'(
_____Whenever one of my post doesn't get any likes it makes me think you people are being judgemental
_____The temp job agency said that they found a perfect job for me! Where I could f**k strangers all day for money. I love being a gas station manager! (funny gas station quote)
_____That awkward moment where we're walking toward one another and I go left and you go right then I go right and you go left and then we laugh and I kick you in the groin and continue on my way
_____it's difficult to say what my wife does..she sells sea shells by the sea shore
_____I thought and thought and thought and thought, but I couldn't remember the past tense of "Think".
_____I think I need smarter friends. One of them asked me the other day which was closer to South Florida - Philadelphia or the moon. I said: “Duhhhh, can you SEE Philadelphia from here?!?” Idiot.
_____People who are perpetually positive, have obviously never been in a real relationship
_____Haven't even gone on a date yet and just got a text that said "Love You".. so yeah, we are so over
_____Well I'm just sitting here wishing I had something better to do than sitting here wishing
_____''OMG, your so pretty!'' -No! I'm not. (-_-) Listen b*tch, STFU & accept the compliment!
_____I'm sexy and I know it...just don't know why nobody else knows it.
_____Dear Creative team of Facebook, take a vacation. Not because I think you deserve it, but because even though it was Your Boss who approved the Timeline.. It was your a** that brought it to him. So for that, enjoy yourselves and I hope you get lost! Sincerely, not a fan.
_____Instead of a like button I wish there was a push button so I could push you right off the wall.

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_____ Taking an extended break from Facebook. Be back in 15 minutes  (Facebook addiction quote)
_____ I'm not a fan. Or a heater, or any other appliance, but DEFINITELY not a fan
_____I'm sorry, but the amount of alcohol I would have to consume in order to find you remotely attractive would actually kill me so
_____I try to "poke" you gently but, my mouse is dirty so I have to slam it!
_____There is about 1/8 of an inch difference between a friendly smile and a really, really creepy smile (funny smile quote)
_____The only reason I friended you was to get the extra likes on my statuses. Now, do your job or get replaced
_____Q: What's the difference between an idiot and a wizard? 
A: You're not a wizard (idiot wizard status joke)
_____Girls, if your boyfriend is more excited about valentine than you, he probably has a boyfriend (funny boyfriend quote)
_____I was going to work.......but then someone commented on my status!!
_____I'm like an Italian cruise ship captain in bed. Always the first to get off.. (funny Italian Cruise Ship Captain quote)
_____If you have no sense of humor and youre just going to report ppl all the time then b***h you should get the f**k out like a tittie on a drunk 18yr old at mardi gras!
_____This timeline thing is a killer! What's with the tiny pic in the corner of a gargantuan pic? I'm not stalking your profile to see what a sunset or mountain range looks like!
_____I'm so good...even my mistakes are perfect!
_____If I rub up against your post, do you think you can make it better?
_____If you're going to come in my office at night at least have the decency to slam the door so I can wake up and pretend i'm working
_____They fed me hope, but I vomitted up lies.
_____You know its a good status when you have more "likes" than minutes its been posted
_____I saw two of my exes talking… It’s a cuntspiracy
_____My wife seems to think she's the boss of me but once I've done the pots, washing, vacuuming, ironing and made coffee..... I'll show her who's boss.
_____Sometimes you've got it, and sometimes you're like me.
_____The first line of this status was not mine originally.
But this line is! :D
_____Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 800 friends on Facebook
_____I prefer men with very little self esteem...they are always much more grateful.
_____If I were flying a commercial jet due south against a head wind at 80,000 feet on a Wednesday at 7:15 pm with 212 passengers on board then what in the heck were the pilots thinking
_____I just want you all to know that when I read your posts, I read them in the celebrities voice you most remind me of
_____I put the ‘toast’ in ‘toaster’. Then I take the ‘toast’ out of the ‘toaster’
_____the best part about the day.. Giving hi-fy to urself looking in mirror.. Yay
_____If u fall off a horse dust yourself off and get a car
_____Waiting for my soul mate to suddenly show up into my life and start spanking me.
_____if you're a quitter go to twitter (funny twitter quote)
_____Well life just kicked me in the balls again...guess I'll stop dreaming about being president like they told me in grade school.
_____She said ''In Love No Thank You and No Sorry''..so I punched her in the kidney...and then on the face.


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