44 Funny Quotes

_____I was thinking about when I met my wife. I'll never forget the first thing she ever said to me. " Stop following me, you f**king freak!!!"  (short joke)

_____I poked your mom today. Then I logged on to Facebook (funny facebook quote status)_____Wonders if when I'm about to go to sleep, the people in my dreams shudder and think, "oh no, she's back again!" 
_____I'm the kind of friend who will give a person a hug when they need it and a swift kick in the a** when they need it and I feel that the latter is more often needed. 
_____I'm going to succeed in business without really trying. By succeed, I mean fail, and by trying I mean taking a lot of naps. 
_____Facebook is like a men locker room at the gym. All the nuts hang out here (funny Facebook Status)
_____I'll go hiking with any woman if it leads to the trail head. 
_____You can tell by my calf muscles that I kick people while they're down. 
_____Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post. 
_____I overheard a woman telling her boyfriend that he spends too much time on Facebook. Then she got mad, because I was ignoring her. 
_____I am rich, good looking and hung like a horse. I just wish I could stop telling lies_____Barbra Walters has been arrested in LA for stealing kitchen utensils. She pleaded, "It was a wisk I had to take." (Funny Barbra Walters quote joke) 
_____It is impossible to send a hug thru the internet but if you send me a topless photo I will HUG myself 
_____No, I do not want to go to my school reunion, I have facebook, I can see that you've turned into a fat ugly b!tch..... 
_____My wife said she's leaving me because of my addiction to Facebook, I didn't comment, I just gave her a thumbs up. (funny wife quote) 
_____Being on Facebook is like being constipated. I cant seem to log out (funny Facebook status) 
_____I tried to chase my dreams... but realized I had a knife in my hand, so now they're scared of me. :( (funny dream quote) 
_____I once dated a guy named Mike who hated to be called Michael. Then I dated a guy named Dave who really hated to be called Michael. ;) 
_____I am not a stalker!!!! I just believe in extensively participating in the neighborhood watch program. (funny stalker quote) 
_____I single handedly prevented a mass murder at work today or I gave in a smoked a cigarette, ever how you want to say it. (funny smoking quote) 
_____I saw a sign in the store that said pants up to 80% off so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on :( 
_____ jealous of the toilet bowl because i hug it more then him :( 
_____This lady just told me that her coffee was superior to mine........ Well Latte Da! 
_____For the past year, I've been putting all my loose change into a piggy bank. Today, I smashed it open and I now have enough money to buy another piggy bank. Result. 
_____I've been buying way too much alcohol from the other day... I think I may have a really serious problem.. . I'm becoming a shopaholic 
_____Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle. 
_____Don't want someone to sit next to you on the bus? Easy. Just shit your pants. 
_____I'm going to stop asking people the proverbial question  "How stupid can you get?". Some people see it as a challenge. 
_____Make this conversation quick, I don't have all day, I'm a very busy person. And when you're done, close the door, so I can finish my nap. Thanks! 
_____I love all four letter words.....except STOP.... 
_____This lady asked me if I believe in reincarnation... Psst!, I don't even put cream in my coffee to begin with. 
_____I sneezed at my job earlier......... I then said Excuse me....I must be allergic to being good at my job. We all had a good laugh & went back to work...... 
_____What are you the wallfather? I will write whatever the hell I want! 
_____They say that watching fish has a calming effect but I been staring at this tuna casserole for like an hour and it has done nothing for my anxiety. 
_____What exactly is the geographical area where they laugh 'ahahah' instead of 'hahaha'? Do they chop off an 'a' or they add one? Or perhaps they read it backwards? These questions don't let me sleep.
_____My doctor told me you have 3 months left to live.  YAY! The governor told me that I was getting executed tomorrow!  In your FACE governor!!
_____Sometimes I forget that I'm not an actual king in reality......so that throat punch to the man in the liquor store for not bowing down to me was a bit probably over the edge

_____WooHoo! I just won $500 on a lottery ticket. I just knew buying 1000 tickets today was a good investment (funny lotto quote)

_____Whenever I'm questioning an important decision, I visit with my cardiologist. He always tells my heart is in the right place.

_____They say it is better to have loved than lost.....but if u ask me.........I'll tell u to fuck off and stop asking me questions!!!

_____Don't listen to what people say "Follow You Dreams"...unless you are a fat b!tch cos you won't be able catch up with it. (funny dream quote)

_____They say "misery loves company"...if that's true...where the fuck is my company?

_____I think tomorrow I will update my profile picture with a duck face picture of myself. :)

_____These tragic stories on the news would be alot easier to watch if the background music was the Benny Hill theme.

_____Your honor ,As far as I know, silence is consent.....and she didn't say ntn when I asked if she wanted to be locked up In my basement......................and I'm sure the duct tape over her mouth had nothing to do with it!!!!!

_____A pig with lipstick is still a pig. But for some reason, me with lipstick makes me the most popular guy in the entire prison.

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35 Funny Quotes

_____If people dont like my likes, then likes wont get liked by my liking
_____SCIENTIFIC FACT: if you delete your Facebook account, you will reactivate it within five business days. Don't FUQ with science! (funny science quote)
_____Whenever you feel like you're useless, just remember ..... I told you first and I deserve some credit, Damn It!!!! (funny useless quote)
_____I'm proud of all of you guys that gave up drugs and alcohol. I don't want to hang out with you, but I'm proud. (funny drugs quote)
_____I don't understand those abbreviations can someone tell me what the f**k does 'wtf' mean? (funny wtf quote status)
_____I have nothing sarcastic to say. Besides f**k you
_____If you are not so happy with life, Come join us on Google+. We'll make you forget you ever had one. (funny Google+ Quote status)
_____Hey...Don't listen to what these bastards tell you. You're ugly and don't let anybody tell you any different. (funny ugly quote)
_____I am also a non computer person...I am more the Facebooky type...and yes they are words.
_____"I've been all over the world baby! Egypt, Paris, Cuba, Moscow." This is what I said in the club last night. "Google is a powerful search engine." This what I didn't say last night in the club. (funny club joke status)
_____The fact that most of my profile photos are a bit provocative. ....only means don't judge a book by its cover a$$holes.
_____I didn't mean to offend anyone tonight. I was only trying to have fun....but if I did offend you, please....go f**k yourself.
_____At first i thought you were talking shit then realized you were stating facts. Carry on. (shitty quotes)
_____I was investigating a terrorist who was telling me that he kills people because nobody cares about other people! He said his next plan was to kill 4000 people and a donkey, I said y the fucking donkey, he said that's what I'm fucking talking about!!
_____Christ, these people at the mall act like they've never seen a guy masturbating in the fountains before
_____Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 10 times... you're probably my Girl Friend (girl friend status quote)
_____I have been posting here for almost a year and not one of you has a racist comment or joke on me. Quite frankly I'm offended and will be packing my bags and taking my elephant elsewhere
_____How to save the WORLD! Step 1:open a folder and name it "WORLD"  Step 2: then Save it
_____If you and I were equal, I would have to subtract you from the equation. (funny math quote)
_____If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to give each and every one of you absolutely nothing. (funny lotto quote)
_____This waitress is unbelievably sexy and man look at that luscious mouth and piercing eyes and killer body and the way she masterfully handles and twists that pepper grinder like she really knows what she's doing.... Oh! When! When! This is gonna be a spicy meal, can I have extra water? (funny waitress)
_____I don't know why people make such a big deal about me drinking alcohol in a taxi. I just wish they would sit there and shut up until I drop them off (funny taxi status quote)
_____It's been a while since something warmed my heart. But just about every day somebody makes my blood boil. (funny heart quote)
_____Sometimes I don't know where I've been, sometimes I don't know where I'm going....And sometimes I don't know where I'am at.
_____Next time someone ask me where I'm from, especially after accepting their friend request and you can clearly see all that info on my page I'm just going to tell them that I'm from my mom & dad and I've cum a long way!
_____I fear everybody on here is actually one single person logged into multiple accounts simultaneously. (funny social networking)
_____I look at the pics online and realize i wear too much clothes.. I should change the homepage to some non-prono website
_____If I write a status and you make a witty comment which gets more likes..trust me I will hunt u down and kill you!
_____Just because I can't play guitar...and I don't have a beautiful voice....doesn't mean you shouldn't have to listen to my shitty poetry about how life isn't fair (funny life quote)
_____When someone says to me"I need to ask you something" I think of all the bad things I've done recently
_____I was going to remove a bunch of lame statuses that didnt get any likes but I dont know your password
_____People say that i don't know how to express myself but I don't agree with them so I tell them "You are right."
_____Just finished my morning exercise routine I did 4 sit ups in bed to hit the snooze button! Tomorrow we will go for 5!
_____Many people come to me and they say, "Hey!".. then they just walk away.
_____I wanted to go for a run but couldn't. It started to rain. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse either. I just didn't want to get wet...well not in that way at least.

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32 Funny Quotes

_____Temptation is bad... but in a very awesome way :-D (funny temptation quote status)
_____the awkward moment when someone gives a creepy stare and you stare somewhere else (funny awkward moment quote)
_____I thought you were my facebook friend, turns out you're just another facebook "user" (facebook user quote)
_____I like saying inappropriate things around children. It gets them ready for the real world (funny parenting quote status joke)
_____Why the "hell" do people keep "misusing" quotation marks??
_____(I need more) F**K (in) MY LIFE (funny life quote)
_____Sir, can i f**k your daughter? WHAT??? I said, can i have a glass of water? (funny daughter quote)
_____Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again." Most guys probably (funny relationship quote)
_____if anyone asks why I'm groping them, its because love is blind. Yea that's why (funny love quote)
_____Some folks are well off. I'm just well, off.  (funny folk quote)
_____Yes this look on my face does mean " I want to punch you"
_____Good things come to those who 'bait....... So i'll just be here, .... 'waiting till something good comes : )
_____You know how shirts come with an extra button just in case you lose one. I think socks should come with one extra sock just to be on the safe side (funny sock quote)
_____Once a year I do this thing with my ex where I call her in the middle of the night, sing, "♪♫ I just called to say... (long pause).. FUCK YOU BITCH!!!" then hang up (funny ex status quote)
_____I seem to have lost my mind this morning. If you find it, can you please pick it up? I'd put on some gloves first if I were you though...it's a dirty thing (funny mind quote)
_____Question: So when you "poke" someone on Facebook, where exactly are you poking them??? (funny poke status)
_____I woke up this morning, saw that there is a roof over my head ..... life is good! (funny life quote)
_____Out of all the millions of colors the human eye can see... NAKED is the one I see the clearest (funny naked quote)
_____I'm going back to MySpace........ People there actually commented on how hot i was in all my pics. It's like you guys don't care how I feel (funny myspace quote)
_____I'm a great dancer... If you're comparing me to Stephen Hawking (funny Stephen Hawking quote)
_____i am a girl with daddy issues which is the reason for all my boyfriend issues (funny daddy issues quote)
_____i dont know about love.. but am surely falling in lust with you ;-) (funny love lust quote)
_____Tonight I did a little role play....I ate breakfast for dinner...in bed :)
_____7, 3, 11, 9, 5... the lottery numbers. What are the odds? (funny lotto quote)
_____I love that cute little thing you do with your mouth :) You know....when you shut the f**king thing
_____Told my friend today I was feeling lonely. She said, Don't worry, it's probably just an isolated incident.
_____Don't hate the bitch. Hate the d**khead that made her that way
_____I like other people's statuses like I like my Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe......ORIGINAL (funny KFC quote)
_____My brain, my second best organ (funny brain quote)
_____I really dont want to brag about it but as soon as hot girls see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running
_____Looking at where I've come from [~•] to where I'm at now , I'm amazed at how far I've come!
_____To the bitch behind me in the 12 items or less check out line givin' me dirty looks.. my 30 bananas and 20 cucumbers equals 2 muthafuckin' items.. so shutty! :)

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