70 funny Quotes

_______Whenever I see a lame status with no likes I want to give it a pity like but I cant...because it is usually one of mine (funny Facebook status)

_______I'm one of those people that can't hide their feelings,so when I'm upset about something people close to me usually know.Today was one of those days... When my friend asked me "Are you ok?'',while tilting her head slightly.I looked her in the eye and said ''Mind your own f**king business !!!!!"......... noisy b!tch ! (funniest quote status ever)

_______Whenever I feel like being in a horrible mood.. I crank up Brittany Spears on my way to work. By the time I get there, I'm ready to shove my foot up someone's a**. Works. Every Time. :) (funny bad mood quote)

_______I'm not very good at doing' push-ups.. I'm much better with push-downs. (famous funny quote)

_______My wife is like the sun.......................She makes my eyes hurt when i look at her (funny wife quote)

_______Isn't it annoying when you're having lunch with your in-laws and they don't exist because no one loves you enough to marry you (funniest love quote ever)

_______Got two pieces of bad news today.   First, my 22 year old next door neighbor is pregnant and secondly, my passport is out of date. (funny bad news quote)

_______Its funny how a picture can spark a memory. When I see yours I am reminded that I need to see a doctor to remove this boil from my a** (funny memories quote)

_______My wife wants to travel to third world countries and teach them how to get water out of a 'hole' in the ground.........I'm sure she means well. (funny third world countries quote)

_______73% of women buy clothes but never wear them. I'd like to meet those women (funny women quote)

_______There are times I flip a table over at a restaurant just to prove that I can......I tip well..... (funny tip quote)

_______Women aren't always right, but they are certainly never wrong. (funny women quote)

_______Friends tend to bend when you in need of their help... Split personalities... I'll be friends with myself.. (funny Friend quote)

_______At work I always get in trouble for two things  1...The things I've done 2....The things I'm not doing. (funny work quote)

_______Wow.. I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look. (funny stupid quote)

_______The quickest way to a woman's heart is through your own pocket. (funny heart quote)

_______Sometimes I wish all ten of my fingers were middle ones. (funny wish )

_______Don't worry if that beautiful girl you've had your eye on doesn't know that you exist......You're less likely to become a suspect if she ''disappears ''. (funny beautiful girl quote)

_______This prostitute's business is growing so fast now she's in retail and whoresale (funny business quote)

_______Okay, since you won't go away, at least "like" my posts.

_______the part where i start giving a f**k to your issues.. Well, i haven't reached that part of the conversation as yet.. :-p (funny issues quotes)

_______I reached my limit in appropriate life choices for the day when I got out of bed.. this afternoon. (funniest life quotes ever)

_______Just want to remind all the blond ladies about tomorrow. TGIF. When you are putting on your shoes Toes Go In First (funny blond quotes)

_______I was told by my Doctor to do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day....so does having panic attacks count (funny Doctor quotes)

_______She is not ugly........she is a beautiful piece of sh!t  ! 

_______My friend wants me to go clubbing but I don't want to get baby seal blood on my new shoes (funny clubbing quote)

_______When someone writes that they lost a loved one, with a very nice tribute to that person. I never know if I should click "like" or not. sooooo....I comment with, "is this good or bad?" please circle one. (funny loved one quote)

_______you know how babies suck their thumbs for comfort? When I'm out of beer I just carry the empty bottle everywhere. (funny beer quote)

_______Just saw my ex at a bar. Asked her if she wanted to come over and hook up just like old times. She said, "Over my dead body". I said, "Yep...just like old times". Not sure what she was drinking but it sure was sticky. (funny ex joke)

_______Zuckerberg got you to devote your life to facebook. Let's see what happens when Zuckerberg tells you to like my status.

_______I'm not really afraid of drowning. I'm just afraid of not having enough air to breathe. In the water. That's totally different. (funny drowning quote)

_______cast iron pans are the way to go. They cook the best, are the easiest to clean and also make a great weapon. (funny weapon quote)

_______Seriously, trust me.. i was kidding when i said.. i will NOT kill u... (kidding quotes)

_______Depression - this is when you login into Facebook see all the notifications and you do not know what to do. (funny Facebook depression quote)

_______My psychiatrist was really pissed at me when I was complaining to him today about how I had problems hearing people but couldn't see them...he was astonished and said when does this happen.....I said over the phone (funny psychiatrist quote)

________I just found a fruit roll up in my pocket which means I left my blunt wrap at work on my desk. (funny work quotes)

________The wife's watching lifetime, the kids asleep and the dogs licking his nuts....all is right with the world (funny world quote)

________I entered a competition and won 2 buns and 6 soft rolls....then again, I always have been the Bread winner..

________I was just labeled as a case of mistaken obscenity (funny labels)

________If I were a poet and you were a llama you couldn't read this and know that it was stupid and doesn't rhyme..

________My coworker keeps playing all his annoying ringtones on his phone. I hope he likes the tone my ring makes when I punch him in the face (funny coworker quote)

________In honor of celebrating 420, I'm going to drink 420 ounces of beer. (funny 420 quotes)

________He said that she said that stuff that was said, so I said that she said the stuff that he said was enough said. There, I have said enough. (funny tongue twist quote)

________I like to sit in front of random people, preferably men, take out my big long banana, peel it, slowly, and then eat it, nice and slow, see that's the way to do it, nice and slow.

_______I'm going to ride this horse off this cliff until it turns into a pegasus... if it's the last thing I do!

_______Your mom is like my new carpet.... Just got laid by 3 guys  (yo mama joke)

_______I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying (funny sleep quote)

_______Being married is like the smell of a hot pizza pie when you are dieting... (funny marriage quote)

_______Does this knife I'm holding to my Jugular make me look married? (funny marriage quote)

_______I got a warning for using 911 improperly because at Micky D's I ordered a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn’t make those I got a little pissed. (funny 911 joke)

_______I am single now, however, I was living with a girl for about four months recently, until she found out I was there. (funny being single quote)

_______All I need is 24 hours of alone time per day & I am good to go! (funny time quote)

_______Everyone using ASAP... needs to calm the f*ck down!

_______No no, I'm sorry for thinking that ur mom acts like a whore............maybe its just a case where all the whores act like your mom!! (funny whore quote)

________I really don't know much about you, but I think we're in for a bad spell of weather.

________If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don't miss twice

________So I found a tumor on my ex's lung. If I would of let her live that would of been some bad news.

________This old lady dropped her bag outside the mall... My girl looked at me and said, "Come on, don't just stand there."...So I started doing star jumps. (short joke)

_______If my dog wakes me up by licking me one more time... I swear to God, I'm gonna buy another one!

_______Boys will be boys, and men will be... Well I don't really know much about mythological creatures. (funny men quote)

_______Do I miss being married? Sure, what could be better than being in a relationship with a female, bipolar version of Darth Vader (funny bipolar quote)

_______Teaching your kids to swim isn't hard .. You just throw them in the deep end either they learn to swim or you get your social life back

_______I just watched a Glade air freshener disintegrate right before my very eyes here in the bathroom....I think I just discovered my super power. (funny super power quote)

_______Tried to record the Justin Bieber special tonight. My TiVo suggested I might also want to punch myself in the throat. (funny quote about Justin Bieber)

_______In ten years, there will be kids walking around thinking Dre is only famous for headphones (funny Dre quote)

_______I'm currently dating a wealthy midget. She is Short on money. (funny midget quote)

_______So I went to the gym today.............and by gym I meant mcdondalds................and by today I mean everyday! (funny gym quote)


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_______I see your name written in the stars. Actually, when I "connect the dots" it spells out "f**king b!tch." Close enough. (funniest sarcastic quote)

_______Having two profiles make you feel almost like a spy living a double life.. (funny life quote)

_______Just when we thought there was nothing more to like, you came along, and now there's more of nothing to like. (the punchlines)

_______If you think your loud car stereo makes you a bad a** why do you turn it down like a b!tch when you see a cop? (funny cop quote)

_______I remember when Dying Alone seemed like such a terrible fate, now I'm just looking forward to a little "me" time and some extra rest. (funny quote)

_______Life is so unexpected. One second you see a hot chick saying no, the next second you find her in my basement. (funny life quote status)

_______If you have a face, there's a pretty good probability that I hate you. (hate quote)

_______Ladies. Gentlemen. Please learn to use the words "Turn-on/Turn-off" in the right context! (funny announcement quote)

_______Today I decided to go to the beach, but I'm taking my laptop along so I can do some surfing (funny beach quote)

_______I have always wanted to do something "like a boss" so I fired someone...out of a cannon  (like a boss quote)

_______Commenting under a post that, "No comment", IS A COMMENT! (funny comments)

_______People who live in glass houses clearly don't know what lumber is used for (funny phrases)

_______you don't have to lose weight or go on tv. You are already the biggest loser. (funny loser quote)

_______I have been debating whether or not to kill myself, I suppose there's no rush through I can jump off that bridge when I come to it  

_______Drinking coffee today didn't seem to be quite effective enough today, so I turned the grounds into a nice spread and made a sandwich with it too. (funny coffee quote)

_______In case you're wondering how athletic I am ladies the only part of my body that I can move after playing basketball last night is my bowels (funny athlete quotes)

_______I love it when you use fancy words like.. "f**k" and "you." (funny fancy words)

_______This post is special. Only people who are online right now can ignore this (funny post)

_______I just ordered a pizza to be delivered................."Screw you and get it yourself!" said the wife. (funny pizza quotes)

_______The fact that all your pictures are taken in front of a mirror and your phone is visible in all of them tells me a few things about you. A. You have lousy aim and/or motor skills. B. and/or you are extremely proud of your phone. C. Your flash is on. D. You have no friends.   (funny mirror photo quote status)

_______The same key that my ex held to my heart, looks a lot like the same key that someone just ran down the side of my new car. (funny ex quote)

_______Me and my girl are dating since so long now, that we finish each other's sentences....mostly with the phrases like "shut the fugg up."

_______I'll never forget the time I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria, their towels were so thick and fluffy. I could hardly shut my suitcase. (funny travel quote)

_______I ordered something from Amazon today. My small Brazilian child should arrive next week. (funny Amazon quote)

_______You know who is really stupid!!!?......People that don't share all of my beliefs (funny belief quote)

_______This status is just to prove that I can still fake out my boss like I'm working!  (funny status)

_______Based on the amount of hours I have worked this week, I think next Monday and Tuesday should be another Saturday and Sunday (funny weekend quote)

_______I need to find a 'never before heard' excuse to not go to work tomorrow. (funny excuse quote)

_______Don't trust people, don't ask why. Just trust me on this! (funny trust quote)

_______Why do people keep asking dogs "who's a good boy?" A little doggie told me he thinks the question is patronizing.. (funny question status)

_______What’s the difference between a funny tweet and a facebook status update:  5 minutes (funny tweet)

_______This guy is wearing a shirt reading "I'm still a virgin", it would be funny if it weren't true (funny virgin quote)

_______The quickest way to find something you lost is to buy a new one (one line joke)

_______I don't like airplanes.....it's not because I have a fear of flying......its because I have a big f**king fear of crashing (funny flying quote)

_______Some woman asked me today if I practice being an a**hole. She obviously doesn't know me well enough to know it just comes naturally. (funny sarcastic status)

_______I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important....like being awesome. (funny awesome quote)

_______You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves. (funny stress quote)

_______I can't find any help for our addiction to Facebook in the FB help forums... (funny Facebook status)

_______How to write in sarcasm. Lesson one:   "Good morning" I hope you have yourself a "good" day (funny good morning quote)

_______Im just a defenseless harmless poor little soul doesn't sound convincing when you are standing in an alley with a Colt 44 waiting to rob people. But Im working on it. (funny mugged quote)

_______‎Zombies eat brains, that's why girls are not worried (funny zombie quotes)

_______I don't have the energy to be angry about my apathy. (funny apathy quote)

_______People who say ”if you ask me” are usually never asked in the first place. so thanks, but I didn't ask you

_______She called me a jerk once! It really upset me:(  It takes more than one Jerk to get me going! (funny jerk quote)

_______I read a book called Great Expectations- it wasn't as good as I though it would be (funny expectation quote)

_______I have never done drugs in my life but I think they kinda taste like cocaine. (funny drug quote)

_______I just filed a Missing Report for myself......because I'm bored and want to play Hide and Seek with the police.. (funny hide and seek quote)

_______The best part of this status is that I'm sitting at home right now making you read a status I didn't care about enough to finis (funny Facebook status)

_______The enemy of my enemy is still my f**king enemy......cuz I don't really keep friends (funny enemy quote)

_______I am a Pharmaceutical Representative is soooo much better than, I'm a Drug Addict (hilarious drug quote)

_______A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush! Grandpa, just eat your chicken with both hands... and leave the waitress alone! (funny phrase quote)

_______If you walk into my house wearing skinny jeans, expect an intervention, beating, and restraining order... In that order...

_______A hot, beautiful business woman just blessed me after I sneeze.......so I asked her for her marital status and life goals.....Too forward (funny smart quote)

_______I tried to put those musical notes on a status but I dont know how to play the keyboard (funny keyboard quote)

_______My middle finger out the driver side window is an instant message, while my car horn is the message notification to other drivers who don't use any signals at all. (funny driver quote)

_______i believe in overall uniformity... That's why i am trying to match my dark heart, humor and attitude to be on the same levels (humor quote)

_______I leave one light on at night so the moths have something to do. (funny moth quote)

_______I hate it when a car pulls up next to me with a huge stereo system when all you hear is the base, on the plus side, they cant hear me shooting their car with a bb gun (funny cop quote)

_______Don’t bother putting on a bunch of makeup whore. Your face is gonna be buried in the pillow before long anyway (funny makeup quote)

_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy. You made the duck face. You look like Daisy (Rae Jepson song funny quote)

_______Friend of mine told me he was really into Wilson Phillips... I sure hope he likes the volleyball and screwdriver I got him for Christmas. (funny quote about Wilson Phillips)

_______I was spinning in a chair for the last 15 min... I got so damn dizzy, I just went ahead and puked on the lady who was giving me a hair cut. (funny stupid quote)

_______If I were in it, they would have named it "The Darkest Knight Rises" (funny dark night rises quotes)

_______I don't know why people say most people are ticklish. The people here at Target certainly aren't...they look more angry. (funny angry quote)

_______Being a trampolinist is a career of ups and downs.

_______I really hope my spirit animal is the drunken monkey......because well, beer and kung-fu (funny Kung-fu quote)

_______Considering their lassoing skills, I'll bet cowboys would make awesome child kidnappers. (funny cowboys quote)

_______People should have the right to marry whomever annoys them the least. (funny marriage status)


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______After much thought and consideration, I decided to consider the decision to give more thought and consideration to whole thought and consideration process (funny tongue twist quote)

______I tried cow tipping once but it didn't work because your mom has good balance  (Yo Mama jokes)

______When Life hands you lemons... I suggest you check the expiration date on that particular brand of cereal. (funny life quotes)

______Sometimes I stroke my morning wood...... to prepare it for the nights bon fire. (famous funny quote)

______  Just a note to all you teachers. Summer is half over. (funny summer quotes)

______Just watched my marriage video... I tried to skip to the end in hopes of finding alternate endings along with my own version of deleted scenes. (funny marriage quotes)

______Hell, the only ring my ex ever gave me is the one I had to scrub around the toilet! (funny ex quotes)

______How come all the nurples are purple? Is it a survival of the fittest thing? Were all the green and blue nurples killed in a volcanic eruption? More reasons I don't get much done at work. (survival of the fittest quotes)

______I keep telling my psychiatric that his services are no longer needed, because I'm not crazy. I'm f**king BATMAN! (psycho quotes)

______Hey dude flirting with my girlfriend, you might have the 'American height' but I have the African Length’. (Flirting quotes)

______I used to dream of success but now success is not enough. Last night I added a fridge full of six packs (success quote)

______I did not say I want to break up with you, I said I want to break you up, then I break up with you. (break up quotes)

______So last night I went through four magazines back to back in the bus...then somehow people grabbed the gun from me and threw me out. (short joke)

______ Isn't it a coincidence that I don't know the meaning of words? (coincidence quotes)

______While on my way to work this morning, I started to think....the lip gloss is just a little weird. (weird quotes)

______I'm organizing a smash mob. Where everyone meets up to punch you in the face. (sarcastic quote)

______Ever notice Mormon is Just Moron with an extra M? (moron quote)

______Food prices are forecasted to go up. Pretty soon cereal will come in an envelope. (inflation quote)

______Guess who's got an amazing sense of direction? That's right...─────> (stupid quotes)

______Although I have never officially been interrogated, I have ordered a sandwich at Subway so I think I am prepared. (Subway quotes)

______NOOO...I don't like travelling!! I just like sitting.....in a moving bus. (funny travelling quotes)

______The only good thing about a hemorrhoid flare up is.. the sound of your farts. :) (fart quotes)

______Oh you just want to come over and talk at 1 am? I'm sure it will be a meaningful conversation (sarcastic quotes)

______You notice the people on those workout shows have nothing better to do. (workout shows quote)

______If I had a head like yours I'd pull the skin back and piss from it (sarcastic quotes)

______You'd have to be nuts to be between a guys legs 24/7. (hilarious quote)

______My boyfriend is such a great guy. Sometimes I think my husband would really like him (great quotes)

______Like a good neighbor, this State Farm office has free Wi-Fi for me to use. (State Farm Quotes)

______Next time a blocked number calls your phone answer like this, "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. Can I help you?" (funny call blocker quote)

______I feel really bad for that hitchhiker, but then again he should of known he was worth 50 points (hitchhiking quote)

______So I went for a blind date at this skating rink...trust me breaking the ice was the worst job I've ever done.. (blind date quotes)

______If I invite you in, please leave your morals at the door. (funny morals)

______My cell phone calendar goes up to 2036....Wonder if Sprint knows something the Mayans didnt? (Mayans quotes)

______I think my ability to make myself look busy with more work than I can handle is probably my one and only super power. (super power quotes)

______If my name doesn't come up when you go to therapy, I have failed.

______Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. Its just a picture book with women b!tching. (50 shades of gray quotes)

______I am always getting junk mail and I open it right up, but there are no pictures of said junk (junk quotes)

______ Need someone to come help me smash my head in the filing cabinet. I can't do this alone! (funny quote status)

______I changed all the clocks to 5:00 and my boss is still a douche (quotes about boss)

______When prices rise it causes a chain reaction and my foot also rises (funny inflation quote)

______If anyone is looking for a lawyer for defective orthodontic work, I know a great one.....I'll warn you though, he works on retainer (lawyer quotes)

______Those born again people should have to bust through saran wrap or something.

______After I delivered my presentation to the board of directors the president looked at me and said, “HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING BEHIND THAT PROJECTOR SCREEN?” (funny presentation)

______If the man is going to hold me down, he at least should pull my hair or spank me. (hilarious quote)

______Time heals all wounds....well unless it's infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse. (time quotes)

______ Please. Don't feel threatened by my awesomeness. (awesome quote)

______OK learn from me guys. If plan on barging into your boss's office to demand a raise, wear pants, and don't be "noticeably" drunk. (funny boss quotes)

______My doctor told me I should start drinking almond milk for my health. I think I have a defective batch of almonds though....I can't find the udders (funny doctor quotes)

______I'm getting so good at looking like I'm doing something when I'm really not that I'm thinking about running for Congress. (funny quotes about Congress)

______ A good wife waits for her husband at the door to say welcome home may I take your pants? (welcome quotes)

______ You know.... "False information" spelled backwards is "Fu** you" (witty quote)

______Never take advice from me, you'll only end up drunk...... (funny Advice)

______I am currently accepting donations for a beer run so inbox me your credit card number and I'll get more (beer quotes)

______I would love to go down on a gay guy just once, just so I could say I tasted the rainbow (gay quotes)

______I always cry a little inside whenever people say that I'm too soft (great funny quote)

______Just saw a kid put his drink in the fridge so it would still be cold after he got done puking. He's a pro at this. (drink quote status)

______ Take a ticket. You are #1420 on the give a f**k waiting list (funniest sarcastic quote)

______Silly boss thinks I'm coming into work tomorrow......you just paid me and I got lots of alcohols (boss work quote)

______That wide awake song by Katy Perry always puts me to sleep (funny quote about wide awake Katy Perry)

______I have a thing for fat girls ... And that thing is called a diet and exercise program. (funny quote about fat girls)

______i used to be a psychotherapist.. Life has turned me into a psycho! (psycho quotes)

______Giving up doesn't mean you're weak. At times it just means you're too drunk and lazy (drunk lazy quote)

______Someday this flirty banter between us is going to reach a new level..........I'll be waiting. (flirt quote)

______It's always a struggle to get the first one off in bed, but it sure does feel good once both of my socks are off.

______What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions.  It turned out to be a book on chess! (101 positions quotes)


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______Apparently, it is easier to explain to your parents that you joined a cult than it is to explain to them what Facebook is (funny quotes about Facebook)

______I look back on my high class stripper days with sweet memories....sweet money making get rich quick memories. (Stripper Quotes)

______Here's the thing: Do not waste a perfectly good ringtone on someone who is not ever going to call (great love quote)

______Life is hard.. which is ironic because I plan on f**k' it today. :) (funny quote about Life)

______The person that coined the phrase, "The early bird gets the worm" never said it applied to owls also and that's why I don't leave my bedroom window open at night...................anymore. (Funny Phrase)

______Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to play with my balls because I never have time during the day to play sports.. (funny Quotes about Sports)

______Walking into a Liquor Store.... with a pocketful of my own cash money ......to buy PBR...... makes me feel like a straight gangster... (funny gangster quotes)

______Tried speed dating last night... I'm out about a kilo of coke, but the moat I dug around her house really compliments the landscaping! (funny dating quotes)

______Tried one of those dove bars... Worst soap I ever tasted. (funny bar quote)

______Facebook is like my fridge.I know there is nothing but I still can't help but check every 10 minutes (funny Facebook status)

______I hate it when my girlfriend is all like, hey look at me! I don't exist! (funny girlfriend status)

______Some people have problem solving skills, but most have excellent problem causing skills. (funny quotes about skills)

______If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy. 

______i’m not saying you are stupid.... but if I were to think of the 5 most ignorant people I know... you would be 3 of them (funny quotes about stupid people)

______When I die I cannot be cremated...I will need my body for the zombie apocalypse. (Zombie status)

______You're not even here yet and I already hate you Monday! (shakes fist)  (funny Monday status)

______I want to open up a ribeye restaurant.....and call it "Ribbed For Your Pleasure" (pleasure quotes)

______ Seems to me that the longer you're married, the more often you check your spam email. (funny quotes about marriage)

______ About to watch Magic Mike. You know... because of all the chicks and shit. (funny quote about Magic Mike)

______Last night I stared at the moon for a half hour before I realized it was just your mom sitting on my face (sarcastic quote)

______I'll bet curbside couches have some pretty disturbing stories to tell. (funny couch status)

______Really should warn people when I'm drinking. I'll put on the party hat <[:) (funny emoticon status)

______Silly rabbit, If the pills are out of date you just double the dose. Everybody knows that fool... (short joke)

______The pinky toe: Completely useless except to remind you that your pain sensory receptors still work perfectly... (pinky Toe quotes)

______You know ladies, men probably wouldn't cringe when you say "we need to talk,"...... if occasionally you said "we need to f**k" instead..... (one liner joke)

______I may not have a very good memory, but at least I.......Wait......What was I talking about?(funny quote status about bad memory)

______‎i have lost the belief in the logic of staying sober.. :-) (funny status about being sober)

______My friend and I decided to have a contest on who can hold their coffee the longest...Goddamn bladder!! (funny contest)

______This case of beer is tasting like I'm not going to be on time for work tomorrow morning (funny beer quotes)

______i think angry birds game is a great revenge on the whole morning noises they make..!! (funny quotes about Angry Birds)

______If i am wrong, who the hell is write :-p (famous funny status)

______I have the strangest urge to slap on a kilt, march down the middle of our neighborhood and scream FRrrreeeeeeedom! (funny freedom status)

______When I was little,I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed...now that Im older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.. (funny Lines)

______You'd be amazed at how much fun you can have with a pink rubber glove, half a gallon of plain yogurt, a roll of sticky tape, a horny bull and a rookie farmhand. (great funny quote)

______Hate when it rains cats and dogs because I keep stepping in poodles. (funny poodles quote)

______I live in a brick house, and I throw glass at people. I'm assuming that's okay (the punchline)

______Working in a crematorium... is a sure-fire way to earn a living. 

______Thousands of people were fooled by “Mermaids: The Body Found” show on Animal Planet. Bahahahaha! I don't even need to make a joke. (funny quotes about Animal Planet)

______I'm on a shoe string budget. Literally, all I can afford is one shoe string. (funny quote about inflation)

______Charity begins at home. Especially if you're on welfare. (funny charity quotes)

______Saw a guy today with an ''Only God can judge me'' tattoo, see that's where you're wrong, If I can see you, I can judge you and the verdicts bad....

______If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place. (awesome funny quote)

______Petard is a real word. But its also what I call Peter, my retarded co-worker (funny status about coworker).

______All that glitters is not gold. Could just be sparkly rocks (Funniest quotes)

______I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me....control that sh!t (funny sneezing status)

______Apparently the height of my business success occurred at age 14 while playing Monopoly. (Monopoly quotes)

______days when my underwear matches my outfit make me feel like I've really got it together. (good old days)

______That commercial with Hillary Duff telling us not to use the word "gay" to describe something stupid is so gay. (funny commercials)

______My ex-girlfriend came in to work today during lunch and I must admit, I was really happy to see her...I am an undertaker. (funny ex-girlfriend quote)

______Drug dealers who don't answer their phone are sh!tty businessmen. (funny ideas about Facebook Status)

______People now call me 'Wonder Mike' I had to retire all the magic. (Funny Magic Mike status)

______People who act up on the internet with others are probably the same people who yell at other drivers from the safety of their own cars. (funny internet status)

______My wife asked me to warm up the bed for her...So I pissed on her side.  (great funniest status ever)

______I'd rather get cussed out in Spanish than take a beating, because Spicks and stones may break my bones.... (Funny Spanish Quotes)

______Even I was a little surprised by how casually “Oh, I'll just swing by my office and grab my bottle of vodka” just slipped off the tongue (funny Vodka Quotes)

______I was doing shadow puppets for my kid on my porch. All of a sudden five thugs beat the living crap out of me. Apparently the double crocodile is a bad gang sign (funny Facebook status ideas)

______I can't believe you told everyone our secret. That was between me, you and your legs. (funny secret quotes)

______Just sitting here trying to think outside of the box, '30 pack of Bud' that is.

______My refrigerator stopped running. Quick give me some kids phone numbers!

______I REALLY hate it when I say the wrong thing because there's NO WAY I'm putting my foot in my mouth. (stupid status)

______Kegel, kegel, squirt, squirt... I wish I wasn't wearin' a skirt. :)

______Ladies guys really don't care if the carpet matches the drapes...they are more concerned if you got a "welcome" mat (funny Welcome Quotes)

______I'm so poor. When I reached for my piggy bank on the dresser, it looked at me and said; "b!tch please." (b!tch Please Status)

______If you've never been so hung over that you had to shower sitting down, you're probably a way more respectable member of society than I am. (funny society quotes)


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_____I'm doing my best to keep up with my daily habit of positive thinking, for instance, instead of the word stalking, I prefer to use the phrase careful surveillance, it sounds so much professional. (funny stalking quote)

_____No honey, I will not cut the grass, god himself said today is a day of rest.........as I'm "working" on a twelve pack.....

_____If its an open bar, why are they getting so upset with me drinking straight from the tap? (funny bar quote)

_____I always talk to myself cause I give the best advice....

_____If your happy and you know it, get on your knees and make me happy!

_____I hate it when a woman asks me to find a strong man to open a jar for her... go find him yourself

_____I think my friends on facebook are stalking me how else would u explain them knowing when i am online.

_____Don't Ask Questions..FIND MY PANTS AND HELP ME OFF THE ROOF!!!!!!!

_____Yes mom yes... Everybody i talk to is my girlfriend

_____Some people write the most pointless status'.. like this one..

_____When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad........this may or may not be about food

_____I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

_____If I only had one wish; I would wish that my wife didn't get half of that wish.

_____I'm pretty SURE, that I would get more enjoyment out of sipping toilet water out of a shot glass, than reading YOUR posts.

_____Marriage? yeah, it's a lot like tennis.  All about the back hand baby. (funny marriage quote)

_____I hope you know that when I post about banging your mom I am only joking.I would never bang your mom in real life. She's too nasty

_____I was having such a great day..... until I logged in and saw that we were still friends.:(

_____It's awesome to see people getting better at writing coherent sentences on FB. Soon, they'll make sense too.....

_____My doctor said I have never put that many checks on someones chart in my life, you owe me a pen.

_____If you have never rear ended someone just to get their address you are NOT a true stalker (funny stalker quote)

_____I think my friend is gay. I saw him working out inside of a Jim

_____I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria

_____"I don't know how to say this." - People with lisps

_____If I'm ever on MTV cribs, I'm pointing at my computer chair and saying "this is where the magic happens"

_____Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendy's back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.

_____All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing..I was drunk had money to blow.

_____i am so stressed that i have turned forgetful.. Its a pain.. Especially for the guy whom i forgot in my basement for a week.. :-/

_____My wife has done everything to make me a better person, but after 3 years I'm divorcing her... ...Now I'm too good for her.

_____‎If I make eye contact with you and say "Good morning".. consider that a sincere "F**k You." :)

_____I think some people are really slacking here tonight, what if this was an emergency?

_____Sometimes I abuse the system, by deleting my notifications before I read them.

_____Why does everyone want me to do stuff for the love of god? I thought he was supposed to love me no matter what.

_____I "liked" YOU, sooooOooo much more.....  When I didnt even KNOW you.

_____So you're on facebook moaning about facebook, and now I'm on facebook moaning about you being on my facebook. Damn this irony! (funny facebook status)

_____Chick at work said I should attend church because I swear a lot and it would be good for me. Yeah, I told her to fuck off.
_____Just when we thought there was nothing more to like, you came along, and now there's more of nothing to like.
_____Honey you've never looked better(oh God did i just say that?)
_____If it doesn't kill me the first time... ya damn right I'm gonna do it again!!!
_____Just spent 1/2 an hour typing 2 envelopes in case you were wondering how busy I am
_____Working from home is great, but I guess when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.
_____I was pretty sure I knew everything, then someone told me "omniscient" was a real word. (funny grammar quote)
_____One of my greatest nightmares is when that girl whose status I've been liking of, start asking me why I liked it, why I liked it. (funny nightmare)
_____This new chick at work has a huge crush on me...*she hasn't received it Yet tho*
_____what would you do if i didn't know what to do but what you thought you wanted to do but didn't know what to do then why am i typing this shit.
_____How life fakes an orgasm..? My weekdays last for 6 days and weekend is for 1 day!! (funny life quote)
_____I must remember to put pants back on when I go outside to smoke....especially on the front porch.

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