75 Funny Quotes

_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.  (funny women quotes)

_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed.  (funny inspirational quote)

_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire.  (funny love quotes)

_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar sh!t-monster peppered with motherf**king profanity?  (best funny quotes status ever)

_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (funny heart quotes)

_______I'm well known for my ability to not finish the things that I begin. In fact, I'm so good th  (funny ability status)

_______"What's the worst that could happen?" - What I'm guessing my last words will be (funny last words)
_______I am not trying to save the planet but could you please use less hot water when you shower? The steam is fogging up the lens of the camera I installed  (funny stalker)

_______The first time I met you, I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my money with.  (funny loving quote)

_______They say you need to intake lots of water to stay alive but the body floating in my pool disagrees (funny sci-fi quotes)

_______Bet you can't guess what I'm doing tonight. Here's a hint... it begins with G and ends with 'ettingcompletelyfuckingwasted'.  (funny bored quotes)

_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy but lets go drinking its black Friday baby (funny black Friday quotes)

_______My internet's been down for over 10 hours now. But on the plus side, I've just discovered my right hand can be used as a cup holder. (internet addiction quote)

_______STRESS: The inner conflict that occurs when the "voice of reason" over-rides urgent desire of wanting to strangle the living sh!t out of some a**hole who desperately needs it! (funny stress quotes)

_______My boss called me Stupid this morning. I gotta say, I was a little insulted. Been working for the man for 3 years and he still doesn't know my name (funny boss insulting quote)

_______One more time you call me a freak, and I'll take my gun out, and stab you with my knife till you choke out 'cause of the rope around your neck and eventually get drowned in pool. (freaking quote)

_______To help reduce cost this quote was typed in China  (made in china quote)

_______I don't charge you to read my statuses so feel FREE to like them

_______After not being able to sleep at very well at night I am thankful for my naps at work (work nap quote status)

_______Was thinking about shoving a beer can up a chicken's a** but that's a waste of beer.

_______You say you hate the way you look. After viewing the 683 photos you posted of your face so do I (sarcastic quote)

_______I have been called a lot of things in my life but a nice guy isn't one of them (life facts quote)

_______I sure would like to know who that mysterious photographer is that keeps taken pictures of people holding their phones up by their face. (funny self photographer quote)

_______The duration of my bowel movement is based on how interesting my news feed is (funny newsfeed quote)

_______Just for the record, each and every Quote I post here is my own original. Which should explain why they're not funny.

_______Whoever quoted,  'Never say never', said it twice in a sentence. (never say never quote)

_______That's the last time I got caught sleeping with a girl...I'm never gonna attend History class ever. (funny history quote status)

_______Kids are lucky these days.... Back when I was a kid, I had to walk to a girls house to "poke" her!  (funny poke quote)

_______‎Objection! Thats allegedly killed the cat your honor ~ Curiositys lawyer (curiosity killed the cat quote)

_______Yes, I exercise...I exercise my right not to exercise. (exercise quote)

_______Ate too many apples and now I can't find a doctor.

_______I'm like a hero or something. I disarmed a gunman today...well it was my nephew, and it was a water gun, and why the hell is he crying, doesn't he know I"m a hero?

_______You must have missed mentioning it on your 'about me' section, that you are an a**hole. (sarcastic insulting quote)

_______Just for the record - When in court accused of indecent exposure, 'There's no business like show business' is not considered to be a suitable line of defense. (funny self defense quote)

_______I really want to ask this girl that I like on a date but I am afraid that if I crawl out from under her bed I will scare her (stalker status)

_______So I connected a New mouse in my computer today and it said "Found Human interface". No you Idiot... IT'S A MOUSE!!! (funny tech quotes)

_______For those who are dyslexic, today is Friday the 13th (dyslexic quotes)

_______Ok I am confused. The girl at the end of the bar only has one eye and I can't tell if she is winking and blinking (confused quotes)

_______For now on...whenever any of my friends invite me to their kids B-Day parties, I'm going to gift wrap empty boxes, cuz I know for damn sure they're not teaching them about life's disappointments! (funny birthday status)

_______When it come to exercise, the only running I do lately is running out of money. Doesn't make my gut disappear but my bank account looks smaller. (funny money shortage quote status)

_______As I get older, the longer I look at what I drop and wonder if it's worth bending over to pick up.......Anyways......my wife is pissed!  (pissed quotes)

_______Sometimes I feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something. (fat  quotes)

_______She posted her status "Life is a bitch"...I commented "You're my Life" (life quotes)

_______Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.  (hangover quotes)

_______You'd be prettier if you grew your hair really long and wrapped it over your face several times and hung yourself with it (sarcastic insulting punchline)

_______A guy can drop his pants and show his junk, people will just walk away fast, but when a woman pulls up her skirt and shows her stuff....people will stand and stare. (double standard quote)

_______Everything was better in the good old days. For example, 5 days ago, it was Friday (friday quote)

_______I just realized it's not a good idea to sneeze when facing directly in front of a fan, while it's on high. That is all (funny sneezing idea)

_______My one regret is that I never learned how to fly a plane, but I can live with that. Just as long as my passengers on this Boeing 787 never find out.  (funny regret quote)

_______ went from 'being in a relationship' to 'stopped believing in imaginary girlfriends' (imaginary girlfriend quote)

_______As soon as find this Wisdom person... I'm going to give them some words of my own! (funny words of wisdom)

_______Hey people that say "Just saying", you should probably stop that... just saying. 

_______I've finally met a lady that "tugs on my heart strings". But I've decided not to tell the heart surgeon this....until she sews me up! (funny heart quotes)

_______My Girlfriend wouldn't go hiking with me because she doesn't exist (funny girlfriend quote)

_______Restaurant said "No sleeveless shirts". I have the right to bare arms.

_______If falling asleep at work is wrong.....I don't wanna be caught. (funny nap at work quote)

_______Some days I sit around and think about how great it would be to be married again...and then I laugh and laugh and laugh because I'm such a kidder.

_______I sneeze a lot just to find out which of my friends are religious. 

_______I dont care what women say,size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around (best funny quote)

_______Unfortunately I think I've reached a point in my life where the word "frisky" only refers to my cat's food :(

_______Wish they made glad press n seal for lips so i could make you stfu! (STFU quotes)

_______"you make me feel like a wrestler. Can I body slam you?" is not a good pick up line. (funny pickup line)

_______I was talking to this girl at the beach today. She asked me if I was the type of person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Hello...I have no shirt on. What sleeves...don't be stupid.  (funny heart status)

_______OK I have made plenty so I could probably be a millionaire if I could just find these people that wanna "pay for your mistakes." (funny mistake quotes)

_______Finally I joined a Gym..its a page on Facebook..I feel so fit n fine. (funny facebook status)

_______I saw this woman staring me down in the supermarket today!!! I don't know if she was attracted to me or just amazed by how ugly I am!  (funny confusion )

_______I hate when people think they're better than other people. I never do that. I'm better than those people. (superiority complex quote)

74 Funny Quotes

_______Wow!! I'm really good at making people angry... is there a job for that? (funny job quote)
_______Apparently playing "YMCA" while DJing the amputee support group dinner wasn't very well received.
_______Now I'm not saying my girlfriend is unstable, but she sat her cat down last night and made it watch a PETA video with her to show him how good his life was. (funny quote about girlfriend and life)
_______Someday I'm gonna be rich enough to have my own facebook group ;p (funny status for Facebook)
_______Did you know that if you mix Tea and coffee together, it doesn't taste like Toffee. (funny stupid quote)
_______I like to learn as much as I can about a girl before asking her out, but these nights sleeping in a tree outside her window have been rough! (funny quote about stalking girl)
_______I am so proud of myself. I have not made one typo all day. (funny typo quotes)
_______You mean the world to me, I would be so lost without you, I think about you all day, every day, you taught me what true love is, you complete me tuna fish sammich with lettuce, tomato, swiss, pickles on toast, I love you........ (funny quotes about Love)
_______I am hereby nominating myself for the Facebook Humanitarian Award... for the multitude of times I have bitten my tongue, and chose to not post a searing, apt comment in reply to some of the inane, tasteless and downright stupid posts I've encountered...  (great funniest quote status for Facebook)
_______I TRULY, don't care, if YOU, "like".... My POSTS or not..... (funny Facebook post)
_______I love my music loud. It makes people STFU! (awesome sarcastic quote)
_______on a scale of 1 to 10, the answer of how much would I like to meet you is NO (funniest insulting quote)
_______80 years in a life time....now math that shit up. Most people work 8 hours a day....most people sleep 8 hours a night....that leaves 8 hours of YOU time, oh wait, minus 1 hour on the way to work, and 1 hour on the way home....so 6 hours a day of free time....that translates to only 13 years of life you actually live....DISGUSTING, isn't it? (disgusting life quotes)
_______So, Barack Obama is in favor of gay marriages. This isn't surprising considering the fact that he's already f**ked us all (funny presidential debate quotes)
_______I hate it when I want a drink of water but am too lazy to get a cup so I just turn the kitchen faucet on and drink straight from the tap and then stand up and bust my scalp open on the kitchen cabinet.......again! (nice funny quote)
_______These gangsters that hang outside my place really make my neighborhood feel unsafe..... Old people can be such troublemakers! (funny gangster quote)
_______When I love someone, I love them forever and never them go.......Just ask the woman in my basement (funny quote about Love)
_______I went to the doctor today with severe headaches. He asked me if I'd suffer any memory loss. How the hell would I know? (funny memory loss quote)
_______It has been so long since I trained a puppy, I am actually gonna have to call my ex-girlfriend to see how I got her to behave in public. (funny quotes about ex)
_______You know, some of you are actually quite attractive. If I didn't read your timelines I'd have no idea why you were single. (funny quote status about single friends)
_______I like my napkin placed on my lap just so.. so it catches all my missed hopes and dreams..... (quote about hopes and dreams)
_______God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things... Right now I am so far behind I will probably live to be 200. (clever funny quote)
_______Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so. (funny living life quotes)
_______i don't like when people assume i have a heart, soul and dignity.. Misconceptions people develop.. (quotes about soul dignity)
_______In an effort to not intimidate people with my perpetual brilliance and dazzling wit, this status update is intentionally shite. You're welcome.  (brilliant funny quotes)
_______If I like your status, consider yourself hugged.... (funny romantic status)
_______If you are wondering where the funny people went I was at lunch (funny people quote)
_______My rib cage is very near and dear to my heart. (funny quote about heart)
_______I avoid apathy, boredom, doldrums, dullness, ennui, flatness, irksomeness, monotony, sameness, tediousness, tedium and weariness through the examination, inspection, perusal, review, scrutiny and study of my thesaurus. (awesome funny thesaurus quotes)
_______I just thought of something that really sucks.How are you? (best sarcastic quote status)
_______Just a note of warning: Do not forget the "L" when you google Grandfather Clock" (hilarious joke)
_______Better check up stairs to make sure (___) is not supplying the Y chromosome for your next brother (sarcastic insulting punch line)
_______I am a GREAT LEADER..........................................to the path of destruction!!! (funny leader quotes)
_______Those people that likes people comments under my posts and don't like my post......yeah you.........f the hell off!!
_______If you don't want to get it 'on', then why the hell did you make eye contact ? (funny quote about eye contact)

_______''Is it hot in here, or is it just me ?''........what I like to say when I walk into a room full of people who aren't hot. (funny hot quote)
_______I am not afraid of the storms that life throws my way for I am learning to sail my ship and I know I can seek refuge in the safe harbor of our friendship. (nice friendship quote)
_______The best thing about working tomorrow is I don't have to (funny quote for sunday)
_______‎'hello, can i help you?' No, i just stood in the line for 30 minutes to say 'Hi.' (funny help quote)
_______People who exercise often live longer, but those extra years are spent in the gym so really, what's the point (funny quote about gym exercise)
_______A girl told me I am cute like a puppy, so I humped her leg and bit her. (funny puppy quote)
_______The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. This is why I have no friends. (friends quote)
_______I post to inspire. So to the seven people who read my posts... I hope I inspired you to drop kick a midget or someone you hate, but hopefully a midget, cause that would be funnier.
_______My vodka just told me to smoke some weed, so I'm gonna... because my vodka has never steered me wrong. :) (funny vodka quote)
_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants. (funny pants quote)
_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed. (funniest inspiring quote)
_______We really need to start using this page for something more important... There are many critical issues in this world and we owe it to ourselves, to our communities, to our very SOCIETY to have intelligent discussions on relevant topics... So, with all this in mind... What's your opinion on b job ...
_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire. (quotes about LOVE)
_______I haven't got her number yet, but she likes my statuses a lot! (funny Facebook status)
_______Just sitting here quietly, looking out the window at a lone bird soaring in the sky, wondering to myself, what would happen if I died. Where would you get your witty statuses from.... (hilarious witty quotes statuses)
_______Attitude is everything. F**k off. (hilarious attitude quote)
_______So I am staying with this very beautiful one-in-a-billion girl, pretty eyes, always smiling. She cooks and cleans, makes me sammich, never argues with me. Her parents named her IMAGINARY. (hilarious imaginary girlfriend status)
_______There,they're and their are constantly being misused.to help people figure it out keep this in mind... See them hot chicks over THERE.I think THEY'RE sexy.I wish THEIR clothes would fall off   (funniest awesomest quote status for Facebook)
_______‎I always put periods in my posts... So the ladies don't feel left out and the gentleman know when to take a pause. (hilarious quote about period )
_______who over here is 36-24-36?? Coz i will be hunting you down and probably feed u McD till you put some weight..! Malnourished b!tches! (funny figure quotes)
_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar shit-monster peppered with mother f**king profanity? (witty status for Facebook)
_______Not everything I laugh at is necessarily funny. I just find it quicker and easier than explaining to people why they're complete and utter twats (best sarcastic insulting quotes)
_______A hot chick caught me watching her eat a banana, so she took a vicious bite out of it and spit it on the ground. I gave her the thumbs up. (hilarious eating a banana quote status)
_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (hilarious quote about heart)
_______I've been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it's all your fault.

72 Funny Quotes

_______I wanted to start procrastinating today.........but I guess I'll just do it next week (procrastinating quote)
_______I know my wife's had an okay day at work if she takes all her rings off before beating me. (funny wife beating quote)
_______I've rode unicycles, motorcycles and bicycles. I need to learn how to ride a menstrualcycle, because my date says she's on hers. Can anyone give me tips. (tips quote)
_______i like my women like how i like my beer..............there is no real comparison.....i just really like women and i really like beer (funny beer women quote)
_______When it comes to women I'm always very selective.......I always go for women......who are willing to sleep with me (funny women sleep quote)
_______Ok, i have 10 slices of cake, and someone asks me for one. how many do i have left? Thats right, i got 10 left. :P (short joke)
_______You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.. (funny restaurant quote status)
_______My friend said onions are the only food that can make you cry so I hit him in the face with a can of corn  (funny onion quote status)
_______When the bank teller started to give me my balance this morning I pressed my fingers to her lips and said sssssssssh. (funniest famous bank balance quote status)
_______I've been using my doctor's diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's to help me get out of certain situations..........Like telling my wife I don't remember marrying her  (funny Alzheimer's quote)
_______This guy I pass every morning on my way to work... always seems to have the day off and a beer in his hand. (funny beer day quotes)
_______That proud, shining moment when your 5 year old answers the phone and tells the telemarketer to hell off and to take whatever he's selling and shove it up his a**.  (famous funny telemarketer quote)
_______I accidentally pocket dialed 911 today. When they called back to ask what the problem was, I told them I must've had an emergency in my pants... (funny 911 pants emergency quote status)
_______I was the kid in band camp that played with his own flute  (famous funny quote)
_______Of course honey.. I understand exactly what you're NOT talking about. ~ every dude going through the "silent treatment".  (funny silent treatment quote)
_______I always get confused when my friend tells me he sees me tomorrow being that he is blind and all.  (confused quotes)
_______Women can be so blind sometimes ......... Apparently they can't see that I'm one of those small packages that good things come in (great funny quotes)
_______I never met a person I did not like, that is until I met you. (shortest sarcastic quote)
_______I'm not a mind reader!!!....and even if I was I wouldn't waste my time on third grade level...  (funniest great sarcastic quote status)
_______Wife said "Who are you texting all the time?" "Are you having an affair?" I said "No, it's more like I'm having one giant comedic 0rgy party in the matrix!" (funny wife status joke)
_______You know u had a rough childhood when u fell asleep on the couch.....and woke up back on the couch (best funny childhood quote ever)
_______I firmly believe that I have been photographed by aliens at night on several occasions but somehow I find comfort in the fact that their technology is not so far advanced that they still require a flash on their camera.  (funny Alien quote status)
________It makes me sad when folks tell me they married their best friend, mostly because marriage between a woman & Vodka will never be legal.  (awesome funny vodka quote)
________The first thing I look for in a girl is creative Facebook Statuses..
________Stay away from the woman who doesn't have at least five pillows on her bed.. She's a dude! (dude quote)
________If you find someone really special don't tell them because you will probably end up ruining them once they find out  (funny life quote)
________Whenever 2 people are off sick on the same day, I start rumors that they're having an affair together cause work is boring and screw coworkers !  (funny coworker affair status)
________My neighbor's kid is at that age where he does annoying things,like breathe (Annoying neighbor quote)
________Sure, I'd love to help the homeless people,i just dont know where they live.... (homeless quote)
________The biggest mistake girls make is thinking they're in love with the poet when they're really in love with the poem.. (Awesome nice love poem poet quote)
________I bought some drugs on the internet that they say make you live forever. Well I must say its working wonders so far  (stupid quote)
________You questioned my intentions. When all the while, I was laughing internally, because I already know them. :)  (funny intentions quote)

________there are two kinds of women on facebook. The kind that look decent and the kind I like (funny Facebook quote)
________The U.S. Department of Education announced today that 2 of 3 students do badly in grammar, but the other half are doing good in maths  (funny bad grammar math quote)
________My boss said I was acting like a baby and getting on her nerves today... I said "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"...  (funny boss quotes)
________Dear people who post pictures of cats and type in a way that gives them that lame-a** accent that you think is cute. Stop it. Stop it now.  (sarcastic quote)
________There's nothing quit like having a co-worker hold your beer... while you piss out their windows during the carpool on the way to work.
________Ok listen ladies.....we love you.....but please don't call when u know I'm watching football and expect me to talk to you!!!!  (funny football quote)
________If you have looked for the like button in an email message, you need an intervention.  (funny intervention quote)
________Statistically, only half of the things I have to do I always delay till a later time......so u could say I'm a semi-procrastinator
________I make it a rule to never answer calls from a number I don't know and then spend the rest of the day wondering who it was and what they wanted.. (funny anonymous calls)
________There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you..  (funny mirror photo quote status)
________I don't want to be one of those people who's on his death bed and says "I wish I would have spent more time on the Facebook!" (funny Facebook addiction quotes)
________I really think I could get a lot for myself on the black market if someone would just tell me where it is, dammit. (funny black market quotes)
________I was on a plane last week and the flight attendant asked "Would you like some headphones?". I said "Sure miss, but my name is Eddie, not phones".  (funny air hostess quote)
________‎I always think about my ex.....whenever I hit a speed bump..... (funny ex quotes)
________Instructions: 1. Drink some beers 2. Write some posts 3. Go to bed  4. Wake up 5. Delete some posts (funny instruction status)
________I am really pissed that the doctor had to amputate my pinky toes due to diabetes. I am definitely lack toes intolerant.  (funny diabetes quote)
________They say blood is thicker than water but sometimes I swear some family members are taking blood thinners!
________My friend was just telling me that he thinks I am too stupid at times...I said well yea...let's see who's stupid.."If u can guess how many doughnuts I have in my bag u can have both of them" (short joke)
________I've got the ignorance part covered. Now where is all of this bliss people have been telling me about? (ignorance quote)
________It's cute how some of you pretend to be friends..  (funny friends quote)
________Mental Note: Women don't find the word "Rapealicious" to be a compliment...... (funny compliment quote)
________My ex-girlfriend liked my comment on a mutual friend's status.. Way to make it so obvious that she still wants me!  (funny girlfriend quote)
________Is a real gentleman, why just yesterday I took the dishes out of the sink before I peed in it  (funny gentleman quotes)
________No I do not want to watch your sister's wrestling match, but I'd love to see her box.
________I was watching women's softball on TV last night and I was very interested in the batter's box. (funny tv quotes)
________I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys Tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of NSync.
________This morning I told my neighbors they needed to buy a new bed. 
________Sometimes I love Japanese food and other times I hate it. I'm very tempura-mental  (funny Japanese food quote)
________Just heard that apple has developed a new informant device for the police......I hear they are going to call it the 'iWitness' (funny quotes about Apple Inc)
________I am not a narcissist! I swear to you on my mirror!  (narcissist quotes)
________If you're a heavy drinker, then you should read the novel, "Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai  (funny Hope quotes)
________One thing I'll never understand is how anyone could ever hurt a child or not like my status. :p (funny Facebook status)
________Hey! In case you don't see or hear from me in awhile, it is because there was a "Where in the hell have you been all night?" note left on the door. So I think I am in a little trouble....maybe. (funny door notes)
________Do you know what I just found out? I found out my new neighbors don't like me singing in the front yard at 3:30 in the morning.  (funny singing quote status)
________I have a feeling I would be more successful had I worked harder, invested wisely and had rich parents to inherit from  (funny hard working quotes)
________pretending to fake a stroke is an easiest way out of your moms' sight when drunk.. But getting disgonsed for mental illness isnt what i was looking for.. I knew returning home drunk was a bad idea!! (bad funny sick ideas)
________i want to go back in time and kill the guy who said ''i am done enough of being drunk and fun over the weekend.. lets go on work on monday".  (funny monday quotes)
________The other day, I was on a date with a really hot model. We had dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed. (funny dating quotes status)
________I can't afford to go on a vacation. So, I just get really drunk and forget where I am.  (funny vacation quote)


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64 Funny Quotes

______After much thought and consideration, I decided to consider the decision to give more thought and consideration to whole thought and consideration process (funny tongue twist quote)

______I tried cow tipping once but it didn't work because your mom has good balance  (Yo Mama jokes)

______When Life hands you lemons... I suggest you check the expiration date on that particular brand of cereal. (funny life quotes)

______Sometimes I stroke my morning wood...... to prepare it for the nights bon fire. (famous funny quote)

______  Just a note to all you teachers. Summer is half over. (funny summer quotes)

______Just watched my marriage video... I tried to skip to the end in hopes of finding alternate endings along with my own version of deleted scenes. (funny marriage quotes)

______Hell, the only ring my ex ever gave me is the one I had to scrub around the toilet! (funny ex quotes)

______How come all the nurples are purple? Is it a survival of the fittest thing? Were all the green and blue nurples killed in a volcanic eruption? More reasons I don't get much done at work. (survival of the fittest quotes)

______I keep telling my psychiatric that his services are no longer needed, because I'm not crazy. I'm f**king BATMAN! (psycho quotes)

______Hey dude flirting with my girlfriend, you might have the 'American height' but I have the African Length’. (Flirting quotes)

______I used to dream of success but now success is not enough. Last night I added a fridge full of six packs (success quote)

______I did not say I want to break up with you, I said I want to break you up, then I break up with you. (break up quotes)

______So last night I went through four magazines back to back in the bus...then somehow people grabbed the gun from me and threw me out. (short joke)

______ Isn't it a coincidence that I don't know the meaning of words? (coincidence quotes)

______While on my way to work this morning, I started to think....the lip gloss is just a little weird. (weird quotes)

______I'm organizing a smash mob. Where everyone meets up to punch you in the face. (sarcastic quote)

______Ever notice Mormon is Just Moron with an extra M? (moron quote)

______Food prices are forecasted to go up. Pretty soon cereal will come in an envelope. (inflation quote)

______Guess who's got an amazing sense of direction? That's right...─────> (stupid quotes)

______Although I have never officially been interrogated, I have ordered a sandwich at Subway so I think I am prepared. (Subway quotes)

______NOOO...I don't like travelling!! I just like sitting.....in a moving bus. (funny travelling quotes)

______The only good thing about a hemorrhoid flare up is.. the sound of your farts. :) (fart quotes)

______Oh you just want to come over and talk at 1 am? I'm sure it will be a meaningful conversation (sarcastic quotes)

______You notice the people on those workout shows have nothing better to do. (workout shows quote)

______If I had a head like yours I'd pull the skin back and piss from it (sarcastic quotes)

______You'd have to be nuts to be between a guys legs 24/7. (hilarious quote)

______My boyfriend is such a great guy. Sometimes I think my husband would really like him (great quotes)

______Like a good neighbor, this State Farm office has free Wi-Fi for me to use. (State Farm Quotes)

______Next time a blocked number calls your phone answer like this, "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. Can I help you?" (funny call blocker quote)

______I feel really bad for that hitchhiker, but then again he should of known he was worth 50 points (hitchhiking quote)

______So I went for a blind date at this skating rink...trust me breaking the ice was the worst job I've ever done.. (blind date quotes)

______If I invite you in, please leave your morals at the door. (funny morals)

______My cell phone calendar goes up to 2036....Wonder if Sprint knows something the Mayans didnt? (Mayans quotes)

______I think my ability to make myself look busy with more work than I can handle is probably my one and only super power. (super power quotes)

______If my name doesn't come up when you go to therapy, I have failed.

______Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. Its just a picture book with women b!tching. (50 shades of gray quotes)

______I am always getting junk mail and I open it right up, but there are no pictures of said junk (junk quotes)

______ Need someone to come help me smash my head in the filing cabinet. I can't do this alone! (funny quote status)

______I changed all the clocks to 5:00 and my boss is still a douche (quotes about boss)

______When prices rise it causes a chain reaction and my foot also rises (funny inflation quote)

______If anyone is looking for a lawyer for defective orthodontic work, I know a great one.....I'll warn you though, he works on retainer (lawyer quotes)

______Those born again people should have to bust through saran wrap or something.

______After I delivered my presentation to the board of directors the president looked at me and said, “HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING BEHIND THAT PROJECTOR SCREEN?” (funny presentation)

______If the man is going to hold me down, he at least should pull my hair or spank me. (hilarious quote)

______Time heals all wounds....well unless it's infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse. (time quotes)

______ Please. Don't feel threatened by my awesomeness. (awesome quote)

______OK learn from me guys. If plan on barging into your boss's office to demand a raise, wear pants, and don't be "noticeably" drunk. (funny boss quotes)

______My doctor told me I should start drinking almond milk for my health. I think I have a defective batch of almonds though....I can't find the udders (funny doctor quotes)

______I'm getting so good at looking like I'm doing something when I'm really not that I'm thinking about running for Congress. (funny quotes about Congress)

______ A good wife waits for her husband at the door to say welcome home may I take your pants? (welcome quotes)

______ You know.... "False information" spelled backwards is "Fu** you" (witty quote)

______Never take advice from me, you'll only end up drunk...... (funny Advice)

______I am currently accepting donations for a beer run so inbox me your credit card number and I'll get more (beer quotes)

______I would love to go down on a gay guy just once, just so I could say I tasted the rainbow (gay quotes)

______I always cry a little inside whenever people say that I'm too soft (great funny quote)

______Just saw a kid put his drink in the fridge so it would still be cold after he got done puking. He's a pro at this. (drink quote status)

______ Take a ticket. You are #1420 on the give a f**k waiting list (funniest sarcastic quote)

______Silly boss thinks I'm coming into work tomorrow......you just paid me and I got lots of alcohols (boss work quote)

______That wide awake song by Katy Perry always puts me to sleep (funny quote about wide awake Katy Perry)

______I have a thing for fat girls ... And that thing is called a diet and exercise program. (funny quote about fat girls)

______i used to be a psychotherapist.. Life has turned me into a psycho! (psycho quotes)

______Giving up doesn't mean you're weak. At times it just means you're too drunk and lazy (drunk lazy quote)

______Someday this flirty banter between us is going to reach a new level..........I'll be waiting. (flirt quote)

______It's always a struggle to get the first one off in bed, but it sure does feel good once both of my socks are off.

______What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions.  It turned out to be a book on chess! (101 positions quotes)


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______I hope this doesn't make things 'weird ' between us, but sometimes I think of you, to get myself 'going'. (awesome status update)

______I hope fox news is the only media outlet to break the impending zombie apocalypse so all the libs get eaten first. (funny status update about zombie apocalypse)

______Who says there's nothing positive about a heroin addiction? I'll bet those bastards can open the hell out of a Capri Sun. (funny quote about Capri Sun)

______We all know that ONE person, whom we can rely on whenever we need them, who's got our backs, who would do anything for us no matter what......I am not that person.  (Famous funny status update)

______The awkward moment you tinkle on yourself a lil' bit (awkward moment quote)

______This razor/scissor/knife/axe/saw combo I invented is cutting edge 

______I'll scratch your back if you throw me down on mine.

______I knew I had this one in the bag the moment she told me that her favorite Duke Boy was Uncle Jesse. (funny quotes about Uncle Jesse)

______So, based on the new movie John Wilkes Booth was a vampire right? Just trying to help my son with his history paper. (funny quotes about John Wilkes)

______That weird moment when you realise you won't be able to pay your prostitute for her services. (the weird moment quote)

______Go ahead and lower your expectations. If you think I'm going to care, you're asking too much.  (famous funny quote)

______One of the best feelings in the world is the ''I'm sexy and I know it'' feeling......looks like some of you can't quite pull it off.... (funny quotes about LMFAO)

______how would you like your death to be as - look like an accident or a suicide?? I need to work on it accordingly :-D  (funny quote about death)

______Excuse me, you have something on you’re a**...... My eyes (great funny quote)

______My wife said she wanted me to be more romantic, so I am writing her a poem. What rhymes with threesome?  (funny quote about threesome)

______I am going to marry a man with lots of kids. I can use them as shields and decoys when fightings zombies. (funny update about zombies)

______I heard my new neighbor is from Hawaii. Everyone who visits gets 'laid. I am taking him some cookies right now (Funny quotes about Hawaii)

______Ladies, I am a sensitive guy, so when you wash my clothes for me use Tide ONLY....everything else irritates my skin. (funny status update)

______I am going to start a new company and name it 'None of your business' (sarcastic quote)

______I try to stay positive about my job. Like right now, I am positive that it is killing me.  (Funny optimistic quotes)

______Awkward moment when your midget colleague tells you not to go over his head. (funny quotes about midget)

______Apparently, 'keep it in your pants' is an inappropriate thing to say to a 9 month pregnant lady.  (sarcastic status update)

______I've never seen the movie "I Know What You Did Last Summer" I mean what's the big deal?  All I have to do is go on Facebook, and I know what everybody did last summer. (funny movie quotes)

______Years of putting my best foot forward has only served to give my other foot a complex :( (famous funny status update)

______I believe if there were 1,000 bathrooms in my home my wife would still need to be in the one I'm using..... (funny status about wife)

______Oh, smartphone.. you're so f**kin' silly. You know I didn't mean coco when I typed in cock. :) (great funny sarcastic quote)

______Sitting in my car in my pajamas waiting for the liquor store to open.... DONT JUDGE ME... I'm already judging myself ...... (Funny stupid status update)

______I may not know the meaning of self control but I do know it has gotten me into some interesting situations.  (funny self control quotes)

______Remember the times you could run through the sprinklers naked. My neighbor said now is not that time....So did the wife....and their kids...and the cops. oh, and youtube.....

______I'm trying to come up with a new title for my autobiography, because the publisher said "50 shades of Brown! sounds like Sh!t...  (funny quotes about 50 shades of gray)

______SO when Justin sings If I was your boyfriend, he's being hypothetical.. about being a boy  (funy quotes about Justin Bieber being Gay)

______I always turn my home A/C unit off at night because I love to wake up in a prehistoric swamp with giant ferns and flesh eating dinosaurs looming over me. (funny stupid quote)

______Hey you !! get a life. ~ Earth to other planets. (get a life quotes)

______i like a little bacon on my bacon on top of my bacon over bacon before i asked for bacon before i ever even said bacon .. yeah (funny bacon quotes)

______My idea of "Happy Feet" is when my feet are up by his ears. (famous funny quote)

______Fortune teller told me a needed a Psychologist. Psychologist told me I need a Hypnotist. Hypnotism told me I needed a fortune teller. So the Bartender told me I need to go home. I went home and .... (funny psycho quotes)

______It's pretty messed up on how my 6 year old kid can come up with better statuses than me, that little sh!t. (awesome status update)

______Did anyone watch the All Star game last night? The American League really took it on the chin....just like your mom.(Funny quote about American League)

______word to the wise....if u haven't seen your friend Jack in a while and u suddenly realize he is on the same flight as urs....NEVER and I say NEVER get surprised and shout out "HI JACK" (funny quotes about Jack)

______Finally got to make a couple posts today, haven't been posting much lately......I've noticed a few new people......well for all of you that don't know me.....I'm the guy that's totally awesome!!!  (Awesome status update)

______If at first you don't succeed, beat the piss out the son of a b!tch that held you back (if at first u don't succeed quotes)

______I was trying to fart in your beer. I don't care how it looked when you walked in. (funny fart quotes)

______See that big puffy cloud right there? It looks just like that load I shot on your moms back last night (yomama quotes)

______How bored I am seems to be directly linked to how many bars I'm currently kicked out of. (funny bar quotes)

______Holding' his stick while beating' his balls to relieve some stress... at the driving range. :) 

______No no honey you definitely heard me wrong. I definitely said beach. You are a cold heartless beach.....I would never call you a bitch. (Bitch please quotes)

______I'm dusting, mopping, cleaning, I don't understand why they call this housework, that house did not do any work at all. (great funny status update)

______I just ate two doughnuts. I'm pretty much an official cop now, right (funny quotes about cops)

______My dad always told me, No matter what you do, make sure you give it your all so I decided that I haven't been trying hard enough at this whole drinking thing....off to the bar. (funny bar quotes)

______Am I the only one who is sure that Dr. Seuss used "There's a wocket in my pocket" as a pickup line? (funny pickup lines)

______I do this little trick where i juggle 3 oranges, and punch you in the throat (funny trick)

______I'm not a celebrity, but I act like one. I drink too much, have crashed my car a few times, and have little to no self-respect. (funny quotes about celebrities)

______I just rubbed a magic lamp and a genie came out. Except it wasn't a magic lamp. And I need some tissues. (hilarious status update)

______I stand a chance of winning Mr Universe this year provided they are measuring by surface area. (funny quotes about Miss Universe)

______Our relationship was doomed ... she had a foot fetish, but all I could give her was nine inches. (funny relationship quotes)

______Monica Lewinsky turns 50 this week. If they don't put 50 d!*k candles on her cake to blow out, she's going to be disappointed. (funny quotes about Monica Lewinsky)

______Global warming will not kill us. It will just adjust the food chain so that every other animal dies and we resort to eating each other. That's where the zombie apocalypse comes in... (funny quotes about global warming)

______If I had to fight an alligator, I would fight to the very end. I would use every offensive and defensive tactic I had. Mainly shitting myself. That is offensive and defensive. (great hilarious witty status update)

______If this chick at Starbucks does not hurry up & make my Caramel Frappuccino... I swear, I'm going to be forced to stand here & wait for my Caramel Frappuccino... MOVE IT! (funny Caramel Frappuccino quotes)

______I can now proudly say I have a little weiner........dog that is, she's the cutest little thing!

______You know that thing you just did there...that made my eyes water... (witty status update)

______Wow, chicks and their make up, I just wanna write "Wash me" on their forehead! (funny chicks quotes)

______If the letters ORPN on your keyboard are worn out, you are doing it right. (sarcastic status update)


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_____ It took me exactly a day to realize.. i don't give a flying f*ck if i offend anyone.. unless i really like them..  (sarcastic quote)

______ Got my unicorn wasted last night and watched it puke rainbows... It was so disgustingly pretty! (funny unicorn quote)

______ Ok, let’s play a game. You ask me anything and I shoot you. (hilarious quote)

_____ Many people come to me and say How does it feel to be so f**king awesome?.. and by many people I mean me. :) (funny inspirational quote)

______ i had forgoten my cell phone at home.. The doctor diagnosed the symptoms as severe panic attack.. (funny cell quote)

______ My midget friend and I went out to dinner and he didn’t have enough to pay his half. I kept trying to make him say he was a little short but he just got mad (funny quote about midgets)

______ There's this one thing that I can do with my tongue, that drives women crazy.  I never stop TALKING. (Famous funny quote)

______Laughter is the best medicine but slaughter works faster (great funny quote)

______My favorite song is Giving The Dog A Bone by AC/DC. It is what I listen to when I bang your mom (yomama jokes)

______Wow this cash that someone put in the mail sure looks like mine. (funny quote about mails)

______I need a midget to help me add up these checks. Because they say "its the little things that count". (funny quotes about midget)

______Well just to let you know, I think women are hilarious. (This is how you get laid guys) (funny inspirational quote)

______I want to leave my mark on the world one bruise at a time. (funny moving quote)

______You know you are bored when you try to see a rainbow in your pee arc. (witty quote)

______I'm not gonna lie, I probably love my pillow more than most of the people I know.  (funny quotes about love)

______In case anyone was wondering...the vodka appears to be working fine this morning....which also means I am not. (funny quotes about vodka)

______I went to the used car lot today... and am now the proud owner of a huge inflatable giant f*cking gorilla! :) (funny quote about life)

______I love all you guys/gals equal.....but some of you definitely way more than others.......and some of you not at all..... (funny love quote)

______They probably call it 'making fun of people' because it actually really is a lot of fun.

______My hair is dirty ... My mind must be leaking. (dirty minded quotes)

______Feeling a little gasy today. Anyone wanna hang out? (funny hangout quotes)

_____My memory is so bad; that if you borrow my status, I will steal it from you, and ty for it ten minutes later.  (funny quote about bad memory)

______I've never seen a buffalo fly... but these wings are delicious! :)

______I'm not a team player.. everyone else can pretty much go f**k themselves. :) (sarcastic quote)

______When I'm in the shower, rinsing off my hair dye I sometimes act out scenes from a low budget slasher movie.... (funny shower quotes)

______My marriage is failing....... I'm a complete mess and I'm not even married ;-) (funny quotes about marriage)

______After all of these years of hardwork and dedication I am finally one of the guys!!!! .............. That f**ked your mom.  (yomama status)

______I always deliver profanity eloquently and using correct pronunciation, because I'm f**king sophisticated.  (funniest quote cheesy grammar)

______The posts those dont get any likes are like abandoned kids. They need some love.

______I only eat the shafts of my asparagus. 

______I don't get it. The police just came and said they had a report of domestic violins. That's just stupid....everybody knows I prefer brass instruments. (hilarious happening)

______You know you took a massive sh!t if you felt obligated to give it a name. (sarcastic quote)

______Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse...you came along. (funny quote about love)

______I call bullsh!t! When you love someone you love all of them, not just parts. F**k that.. I only love certain parts of some people.  (hilarious love quote)

______Every time I drink I get a headache. Every time my wife drinks I get head.Works for me

______If you've never written "Hammer Time" under the "STOP" on a stop sign, you probably haven't been arrested as often as me. 

(great funny quote,funny status)

______Loving you is like getting into heaven. I probably could, but God knows I won't. (famous funny quote about love)

______i always wonder how it feels like to date someone super awesome.. Hmm.. I should totally ask this to my ex-es.. They know better about me ;) (Awesome funniest quote ever)

______I can't wait to go to work!! Seriously... If I wait any longer, I'll probably be late. (funny quote about work)

______I just tripped over a huge crack on the sidewalk. I didn’t know your mom was homeless (funny quote about your mom)

______I'd just like to take a moment & apologize for my hotness causing all this global warming. (Funny Facebook status idea)

______I carry a baseball bat around and tap stupid people on the forehead with it. It is my dislike button. (funniest status ever)

______I'd like to carry a gun, but I don't because I'm sure I'd use it. Like every day. (sarcastic status)

______This pool party sucks. I was standing next to Mr T and the water got really warm. When I asked him he said I peed the pool (funny quote about Mr T)

______I feel like my decisions lately haven't been "hit or miss", they've been more like "miss or miss terribly"

______I met a girl at the bar last night and I tried to give her my digits but her panties kept getting in the way (funniest quote status about stalking)

______If you're ever in my room, lying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and you listen closely... you can hear me down the hall calling the cops to report an intruder. (funny inspiring status)

______Apparently, every cigarette you smoke takes eight minutes off your life. In a couple more weeks, I should be back in my dad's ball-sack.  (Awesome funny quote about smoking)

______Healthy is just the slowest rate at which you can die... (famous funny quote)

______I just got a second opinion... and I was right, your an a**hole. (the punchline)

______My strongest critics claim I've accomplished nothing in my life. Huh. I'd like to see them organise a 39-year-long drunken orgy. (funny quote about critics)

______As I get older I am having trouble with premature ejaculation and loose stools ... Easy come; easy go.  (hilarious facebook ideas)

______According to my news feed... you make going outside these days seem scary as f*ck! (the punchline quotes)

______My wife said, You’re really slow in bed...if ya know what I mean. Turns out she means Im a f*cking retard. (funny quotes about wife)

______The other day my girlfriend said she can do anything twice as well as me....so I donated one of my kidney (funny status about girlfriend)

______No, no I am not a doctor, but I play one on one of my facebook accounts. (funny quotes about doctor)

______If you weren't so damn selfish with the share button... we would find each other a lot faster. (the best funny pickup line)

______I lost my job because of this bad memory...actually I'm still employed...I just can't remember where. (funny quote about bad memory)

______Aww....a cute nurse said I have a beautiful smile.....making wedding plans as I post this status  (funny cutest status ever)

______I guess the easiest way to sympathize with an arson victim is NOT to ask them to burn you a CD. (funny quotes about arson victim)

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