24 Legendarily Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Epic Facebook statuses

______I'm not a professional helicopter pilot... but I can strap myself to a ceiling fan and spin around on the highest setting for like 45 minutes.

 

_______I always look the other way when my dog does "his business" 'cause, you know, he needs a little privacy while he pays bills and takes care of his banking and stuff.

 

_______I'm going to walk a mile in my own shoes thank you very much.

 

_______As I stood there recording my microwave meal, I suddenly realised that 'remove cardboard and film' meant something else....

 

________Too many human piñatas, and me without a bat...

 

________It's a beautiful day to go outside and stare at your phone.

 

________I tried to order "The Ultimate Dallas Cowboys Fan Guide" off of Amazon to give to a friend. A message from Amazon popped up that said "customers who bought this product also bought "How to Act Like a Total Douche for Dummies."

 

________You know you're gonna have a interesting day when you place both contacts in the same eye, and then realize that you don't even wear contacts.

 

________ENOUGH WITH THE RAINBOWS! You're gay, we get it!

 

________Jehovah's Witnesses don't like it when they ask if you have a relationship with God and you say, "Only when I'm having an orgasm''

 

 

________They say "its the thought that counts", I don't think my bank understands the concept.

 

 

________You know that feeling you get when you KNOW you are about to get laid? Can someone describe that to me? I heard it was pretty exciting.

 

________Two things that will always be there for you when you fall, the ground and the floor.

 

________where I'm from, if walks like a duck and talks like a duck, we steal it.

 

________They say a lady should look at herself in the mirror before going out and remove one piece of jewellery. For me, it was always my wedding ring.....

 

________If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.

 

________I think it's nice that we have this day to to recognize, and celebrate fools, because there are so bloody many of them.

 

________If you see a porcupine in your yard, don't panic, that's just my cat. We're not done with our acupuncture session yet, so I'd be much obliged if you'd return him.

 

________You know you're about to have an interesting day when you look out the window and see a SWAT team and TV news crews barricading off the street in front of your house.

 

________This one time... I skipped school for like 12 years.

 

________Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram

 

________To be or not to be, that is........ Not a question at all. More like an ambiguous statement. William Shakespeare was obviously smoking something.

 

________Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible...

 

________remember the time I watched you shower? ..of course you don't.

 

______If you carry on speaking after using the expression 'needless to say...', I will attempt to dislocate your jaw with my elbow.

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23 Funny, Witty, Clever and Hilariously Epic Facebook Statuses

_______Just had to take the walk of shame... I'm now regretting having worn these f**king flip flops.

_______Whenever I hear a rap artist say "Do you know what time it is?"... deep inside I don't, but I act like I do.

_______Girl scout cookies make you fat, Thats why I just eat the thin mints.

_______The morning after pill.....is actually made of crushed up coat hangers......

_______You remember when you were little, how you used to pop the heads off the dandelions? (you know you did that)..... I wish I could do that to some people today.

_______My 14 year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek god Herpes today in school...guess I should cross Harvard off of potential schools.

_______You know times are hard when daylight wants to borrow an hour on credit and pay it back 8 months later.

_______This would have been a good day to be a dog. I saw several butts I would like to have sniffed.

_______Whenever I visit someone in a hospital I always bring them fruit, fluff their pillows and steal their meds.

_______‎"Your grammar is perfect, your logic is flawless and I enjoy exclusively to thoughts of you"... an example of a perfect comment I've yet to receive....

_______I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).

_______i guess i'm not so ready for a zombie apocalypse after all i just freaked out cause there was a spider really close to my chair

_______Through Facebook profile pictures I learned that many of the people I went to school with have morphed into cats, fish and cars.

_______I'm writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings attached.

_______ When writing, lok out for lipography.

_______If you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free lunch.

_______Don't just assume anything...unless it's the position.

_______I'm looking for a strong, good man with naughty thoughts who's willing to get his hands dirty.... currently taking applications ....

_______I signed up for one of those online instant muscle building courses and sure enough in no time I was ripped...  ...off.

_______Don't get mad at me for peeing in your pool. I'm pretreating the jellyfish stings...oh...you have no jellyfish well how would I know that?

_______I just saw a cute old man struggling to get his suitcase on the elevator. I had to take the f**kin' stairs because that shit was taking forever.

_______Aaarghhh !!! every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place...Im sick of it....also I need glasses.

_______Not to be nitpicky, but for the sake of accuracy, your stupid inspirational Helen Keller quotes should probably include a f**k ton of typos.

_______ If you own one pair of Crocs... you own too many Crocs.

_______Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

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60 Funny Quotes

_____ It took me exactly a day to realize.. i don't give a flying f*ck if i offend anyone.. unless i really like them..  (sarcastic quote)

______ Got my unicorn wasted last night and watched it puke rainbows... It was so disgustingly pretty! (funny unicorn quote)

______ Ok, let’s play a game. You ask me anything and I shoot you. (hilarious quote)

_____ Many people come to me and say How does it feel to be so f**king awesome?.. and by many people I mean me. :) (funny inspirational quote)

______ i had forgoten my cell phone at home.. The doctor diagnosed the symptoms as severe panic attack.. (funny cell quote)

______ My midget friend and I went out to dinner and he didn’t have enough to pay his half. I kept trying to make him say he was a little short but he just got mad (funny quote about midgets)

______ There's this one thing that I can do with my tongue, that drives women crazy.  I never stop TALKING. (Famous funny quote)

______Laughter is the best medicine but slaughter works faster (great funny quote)

______My favorite song is Giving The Dog A Bone by AC/DC. It is what I listen to when I bang your mom (yomama jokes)

______Wow this cash that someone put in the mail sure looks like mine. (funny quote about mails)

______I need a midget to help me add up these checks. Because they say "its the little things that count". (funny quotes about midget)

______Well just to let you know, I think women are hilarious. (This is how you get laid guys) (funny inspirational quote)

______I want to leave my mark on the world one bruise at a time. (funny moving quote)

______You know you are bored when you try to see a rainbow in your pee arc. (witty quote)

______I'm not gonna lie, I probably love my pillow more than most of the people I know.  (funny quotes about love)

______In case anyone was wondering...the vodka appears to be working fine this morning....which also means I am not. (funny quotes about vodka)

______I went to the used car lot today... and am now the proud owner of a huge inflatable giant f*cking gorilla! :) (funny quote about life)

______I love all you guys/gals equal.....but some of you definitely way more than others.......and some of you not at all..... (funny love quote)

______They probably call it 'making fun of people' because it actually really is a lot of fun.

______My hair is dirty ... My mind must be leaking. (dirty minded quotes)

______Feeling a little gasy today. Anyone wanna hang out? (funny hangout quotes)

_____My memory is so bad; that if you borrow my status, I will steal it from you, and ty for it ten minutes later.  (funny quote about bad memory)

______I've never seen a buffalo fly... but these wings are delicious! :)

______I'm not a team player.. everyone else can pretty much go f**k themselves. :) (sarcastic quote)

______When I'm in the shower, rinsing off my hair dye I sometimes act out scenes from a low budget slasher movie.... (funny shower quotes)

______My marriage is failing....... I'm a complete mess and I'm not even married ;-) (funny quotes about marriage)

______After all of these years of hardwork and dedication I am finally one of the guys!!!! .............. That f**ked your mom.  (yomama status)

______I always deliver profanity eloquently and using correct pronunciation, because I'm f**king sophisticated.  (funniest quote cheesy grammar)

______The posts those dont get any likes are like abandoned kids. They need some love.

______I only eat the shafts of my asparagus. 

______I don't get it. The police just came and said they had a report of domestic violins. That's just stupid....everybody knows I prefer brass instruments. (hilarious happening)

______You know you took a massive sh!t if you felt obligated to give it a name. (sarcastic quote)

______Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse...you came along. (funny quote about love)

______I call bullsh!t! When you love someone you love all of them, not just parts. F**k that.. I only love certain parts of some people.  (hilarious love quote)

______Every time I drink I get a headache. Every time my wife drinks I get head.Works for me

______If you've never written "Hammer Time" under the "STOP" on a stop sign, you probably haven't been arrested as often as me. 

(great funny quote,funny status)

______Loving you is like getting into heaven. I probably could, but God knows I won't. (famous funny quote about love)

______i always wonder how it feels like to date someone super awesome.. Hmm.. I should totally ask this to my ex-es.. They know better about me ;) (Awesome funniest quote ever)

______I can't wait to go to work!! Seriously... If I wait any longer, I'll probably be late. (funny quote about work)

______I just tripped over a huge crack on the sidewalk. I didn’t know your mom was homeless (funny quote about your mom)

______I'd just like to take a moment & apologize for my hotness causing all this global warming. (Funny Facebook status idea)

______I carry a baseball bat around and tap stupid people on the forehead with it. It is my dislike button. (funniest status ever)

______I'd like to carry a gun, but I don't because I'm sure I'd use it. Like every day. (sarcastic status)

______This pool party sucks. I was standing next to Mr T and the water got really warm. When I asked him he said I peed the pool (funny quote about Mr T)

______I feel like my decisions lately haven't been "hit or miss", they've been more like "miss or miss terribly"

______I met a girl at the bar last night and I tried to give her my digits but her panties kept getting in the way (funniest quote status about stalking)

______If you're ever in my room, lying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and you listen closely... you can hear me down the hall calling the cops to report an intruder. (funny inspiring status)

______Apparently, every cigarette you smoke takes eight minutes off your life. In a couple more weeks, I should be back in my dad's ball-sack.  (Awesome funny quote about smoking)

______Healthy is just the slowest rate at which you can die... (famous funny quote)

______I just got a second opinion... and I was right, your an a**hole. (the punchline)

______My strongest critics claim I've accomplished nothing in my life. Huh. I'd like to see them organise a 39-year-long drunken orgy. (funny quote about critics)

______As I get older I am having trouble with premature ejaculation and loose stools ... Easy come; easy go.  (hilarious facebook ideas)

______According to my news feed... you make going outside these days seem scary as f*ck! (the punchline quotes)

______My wife said, You’re really slow in bed...if ya know what I mean. Turns out she means Im a f*cking retard. (funny quotes about wife)

______The other day my girlfriend said she can do anything twice as well as me....so I donated one of my kidney (funny status about girlfriend)

______No, no I am not a doctor, but I play one on one of my facebook accounts. (funny quotes about doctor)

______If you weren't so damn selfish with the share button... we would find each other a lot faster. (the best funny pickup line)

______I lost my job because of this bad memory...actually I'm still employed...I just can't remember where. (funny quote about bad memory)

______Aww....a cute nurse said I have a beautiful smile.....making wedding plans as I post this status  (funny cutest status ever)

______I guess the easiest way to sympathize with an arson victim is NOT to ask them to burn you a CD. (funny quotes about arson victim)

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