_______Just had to take the walk of shame... I'm now regretting having worn these f**king flip flops.
_______Whenever I hear a rap artist say "Do you know what time it is?"... deep inside I don't, but I act like I do.
_______Girl scout cookies make you fat, Thats why I just eat the thin mints.
_______The morning after pill.....is actually made of crushed up coat hangers......
_______You remember when you were little, how you used to pop the heads off the dandelions? (you know you did that)..... I wish I could do that to some people today.
_______My 14 year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek god Herpes today in school...guess I should cross Harvard off of potential schools.
_______You know times are hard when daylight wants to borrow an hour on credit and pay it back 8 months later.
_______This would have been a good day to be a dog. I saw several butts I would like to have sniffed.
_______Whenever I visit someone in a hospital I always bring them fruit, fluff their pillows and steal their meds.
_______"Your grammar is perfect, your logic is flawless and I enjoy exclusively to thoughts of you"... an example of a perfect comment I've yet to receive....
_______I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).
_______i guess i'm not so ready for a zombie apocalypse after all i just freaked out cause there was a spider really close to my chair
_______Through Facebook profile pictures I learned that many of the people I went to school with have morphed into cats, fish and cars.
_______I'm writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings attached.
_______ When writing, lok out for lipography.
_______If you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free lunch.
_______Don't just assume anything...unless it's the position.
_______I'm looking for a strong, good man with naughty thoughts who's willing to get his hands dirty.... currently taking applications ....
_______I signed up for one of those online instant muscle building courses and sure enough in no time I was ripped... ...off.
_______Don't get mad at me for peeing in your pool. I'm pretreating the jellyfish stings...oh...you have no jellyfish well how would I know that?
_______I just saw a cute old man struggling to get his suitcase on the elevator. I had to take the f**kin' stairs because that shit was taking forever.
_______Aaarghhh !!! every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place...Im sick of it....also I need glasses.
_______Not to be nitpicky, but for the sake of accuracy, your stupid inspirational Helen Keller quotes should probably include a f**k ton of typos.
_______ If you own one pair of Crocs... you own too many Crocs.
_______Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
