24 Legendarily Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Epic Facebook statuses

______I'm not a professional helicopter pilot... but I can strap myself to a ceiling fan and spin around on the highest setting for like 45 minutes.

 

_______I always look the other way when my dog does "his business" 'cause, you know, he needs a little privacy while he pays bills and takes care of his banking and stuff.

 

_______I'm going to walk a mile in my own shoes thank you very much.

 

_______As I stood there recording my microwave meal, I suddenly realised that 'remove cardboard and film' meant something else....

 

________Too many human piñatas, and me without a bat...

 

________It's a beautiful day to go outside and stare at your phone.

 

________I tried to order "The Ultimate Dallas Cowboys Fan Guide" off of Amazon to give to a friend. A message from Amazon popped up that said "customers who bought this product also bought "How to Act Like a Total Douche for Dummies."

 

________You know you're gonna have a interesting day when you place both contacts in the same eye, and then realize that you don't even wear contacts.

 

________ENOUGH WITH THE RAINBOWS! You're gay, we get it!

 

________Jehovah's Witnesses don't like it when they ask if you have a relationship with God and you say, "Only when I'm having an orgasm''

 

 

________They say "its the thought that counts", I don't think my bank understands the concept.

 

 

________You know that feeling you get when you KNOW you are about to get laid? Can someone describe that to me? I heard it was pretty exciting.

 

________Two things that will always be there for you when you fall, the ground and the floor.

 

________where I'm from, if walks like a duck and talks like a duck, we steal it.

 

________They say a lady should look at herself in the mirror before going out and remove one piece of jewellery. For me, it was always my wedding ring.....

 

________If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.

 

________I think it's nice that we have this day to to recognize, and celebrate fools, because there are so bloody many of them.

 

________If you see a porcupine in your yard, don't panic, that's just my cat. We're not done with our acupuncture session yet, so I'd be much obliged if you'd return him.

 

________You know you're about to have an interesting day when you look out the window and see a SWAT team and TV news crews barricading off the street in front of your house.

 

________This one time... I skipped school for like 12 years.

 

________Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram

 

________To be or not to be, that is........ Not a question at all. More like an ambiguous statement. William Shakespeare was obviously smoking something.

 

________Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible...

 

________remember the time I watched you shower? ..of course you don't.

 

______If you carry on speaking after using the expression 'needless to say...', I will attempt to dislocate your jaw with my elbow.

You Might Also Like

Funny Sarcastic Status

Funny Punch Lines

23 Funny, Witty, Clever and Hilariously Epic Facebook Statuses

_______Just had to take the walk of shame... I'm now regretting having worn these f**king flip flops.

_______Whenever I hear a rap artist say "Do you know what time it is?"... deep inside I don't, but I act like I do.

_______Girl scout cookies make you fat, Thats why I just eat the thin mints.

_______The morning after pill.....is actually made of crushed up coat hangers......

_______You remember when you were little, how you used to pop the heads off the dandelions? (you know you did that)..... I wish I could do that to some people today.

_______My 14 year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek god Herpes today in school...guess I should cross Harvard off of potential schools.

_______You know times are hard when daylight wants to borrow an hour on credit and pay it back 8 months later.

_______This would have been a good day to be a dog. I saw several butts I would like to have sniffed.

_______Whenever I visit someone in a hospital I always bring them fruit, fluff their pillows and steal their meds.

_______‎"Your grammar is perfect, your logic is flawless and I enjoy exclusively to thoughts of you"... an example of a perfect comment I've yet to receive....

_______I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).

_______i guess i'm not so ready for a zombie apocalypse after all i just freaked out cause there was a spider really close to my chair

_______Through Facebook profile pictures I learned that many of the people I went to school with have morphed into cats, fish and cars.

_______I'm writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings attached.

_______ When writing, lok out for lipography.

_______If you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free lunch.

_______Don't just assume anything...unless it's the position.

_______I'm looking for a strong, good man with naughty thoughts who's willing to get his hands dirty.... currently taking applications ....

_______I signed up for one of those online instant muscle building courses and sure enough in no time I was ripped...  ...off.

_______Don't get mad at me for peeing in your pool. I'm pretreating the jellyfish stings...oh...you have no jellyfish well how would I know that?

_______I just saw a cute old man struggling to get his suitcase on the elevator. I had to take the f**kin' stairs because that shit was taking forever.

_______Aaarghhh !!! every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place...Im sick of it....also I need glasses.

_______Not to be nitpicky, but for the sake of accuracy, your stupid inspirational Helen Keller quotes should probably include a f**k ton of typos.

_______ If you own one pair of Crocs... you own too many Crocs.

_______Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

You Might Also Like
Funny sarcastic Status
Funny Epic Status

22 Funny Witty Hilarious and clever Facebook Status Updates

_______This one time... I curled my hair for like nine hours until I realized I was bald.

_______I have the madness all year round, not just March.

_______In a strange turn of events, my homework just ate my dog.

_______I don't always drink milf, but when I do it squirts all over me.

_______Nicki Minaj fired her makeup artist. So, if you've ever dreamed of loading blush, foundation and eyeliner into a cannon and firing it from point-blank range, have I got a job for you!

_______Sitting around with your thumb up your a$$ is a cute little sarcastic saying until it becomes your idea of a romantic evening.

_______That’s funny, my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I'm on my way home.

_______Excuse me Ma'am, I think that red nail polish you have in your front pocket, is open. You're welcome.

_______A woman got on the elevator, and said, "Going down." So naturally I started to unbuckle my pants. Apparently, that's not what she meant. She wanted me to push the button for the basement.

_______When people tell me they stopped drinking. My response is always, "Sorry to hear that."

_______I don't smoke, so every 45 min. I ask for a phone break. Fair is fair!

_______‎"Good things come to those who wait."  I call Bullshit! I've been sitting on this couch for 2 years and I still haven't found a job!

_______Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.

_______Self medication ..the reason for my happiness..

_______After all that we've been through together, the least you could do is f**k off....

_______They say that playing an instrument fosters the mind of a gifted child .. and I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at playing the spoons.

_______Women are the foundation of our society; Every foundation has to be laid...

_______In honor of International Women Day, I am going to give every woman I can a pearl necklace tomorrow, because they deserve it.

_______You know you're growing up when you stop clubbin and start pub'in. :/

_______My old lady just slapped me so hard, I thought I went blind at first. I quickly realized when she slapped me a second time, it was the Clappers that I installed all over the house.

_______This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.

_______going in for a colonoscopy soon,not that i need one,but i have looked everywhere else for the guest tv remote and it is a free exam since i turned 50 recently.

_______Sometimes I like to do amazing nice things for crappy, ungrateful people... because it pisses them off.

You Might Also Like
Famous Funny Status

Funny Cops Status

21 New Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Clever Facebook Status Updates

_______ Why do we get that mini heart attack feeling when we leave to work without our phones???? we made it through the 80s and the 80s rocked.

_______I am so stoked. Some hot sexy guy said he was going to come over on February 29th. I can't wait. That is like tomorrow, right?
_______It's not over till the fat lady puts all your bags on the pavement and changes the locks and files a restraining order.
_______The best part of breaking up is using a grenade as a s*x toy one last time, pulling the pin, and running away, and watching her blow up
_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy but will you wipe my a**? I'm too lazy
_______My college mascot was basically just some n*de dude laying on a ping pong table slamming a beer bong.
_______I am SO High on life!! And this white powder smells AMAZING!!!
_______Good new is that my test came back negative! The bad new is that it was an IQ test...
_______I hate when someone calls me a "Son of a B!tch." Its like, have some respect, people. Just say "Your Mom is a B!tch." And leave me out of it
_______I've an alcohol problem, in that I can't afford any.
_______I think something ought to be done about all these passive smokers freeloading my secondhand smoke

_______Ever since I turned 40, I get really nervous when I see anyone putting on rubber gloves.
_______I'd like to give a big shout out to back-up BBQ Lighters for always being there for me when my regular lighter goes out.
_______Sometimes I run into strangers...and after holding them tight I make a fake call saying ''Mission Accomplished Boss".
_______I would post absolute brilliance but I understand my audience....
_______Ever since i got married , I wish real world conversations had a 140 character limit…
_______I wish dogs could talk.. Then we'd hear about all the weird freaky shit you fuckers do when nobody's around.
_______This guy sitting next to me says the smoke from my cigarette is bothering him....so I'm like... Hey mofo.... it's killing me but I'm not bitching about it.
_______You're not my first so don't flatter yourself. I've hated lots of people just as much as I hate you.
_______I'm at my most Oscar worthy when acting like I don't see someone I sort of know but definitely don't want to interact with.
_______Just mistook Kelly Clarkson for Justin Bieber on song pop. That won't happen again once he hits puberty and his voice changes.
_______Mmmmmm.... My toothbrush tastes like the kids cleaned the toilet again. Little bastards.
_______Just tried to poke an email. I may need help.
_______Careful what you ask for "ladies", I asked my husband if tonight, he thought he could make me scream with only two fingers ..... He poked me in the friggin eyes
_______Has anyone told you how extremely f**kalicious you look today ??

You May Also Like
Funny Sarcastic Status
Funny Girlfriend Status

20 New Funny Witty Hilarious and Clever Facebook Statuses

______Hey if someone ever tells you your 1 in a million that's pretty good cause that means everyone else around you is a zero!

______End all wars, diseases, cancer and other misfortunes by simply " liking" that Facebook page.... (funny Facebook statuses)

 ______If he slaps me at dinner, I'd punch the shit out of him. If he slaps me when we're f**king, I'd smile and tell him to go harder. Timing is everything... (best funny status)

 ______ Single? Find a dead bird & give it mouth to mouth..... When a girl walks by yell "No damn it!" and punch the table......B!tches love a sensitive man.... (best funny status)

 _______You win today, door I pulled that says "Push"........ but we'll meet again... (funny door status)

_______Sometimes you've got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?


______Every dinner can be a candle lit dinner if you don’t pay your electric bill (funny candle light dinner status)

 ______Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash (funny cops status)

 _______The heart of rock and roll has stopped beating. Sorry. I just wanted to be the first one to post it in case Huey Lewis dies today

 _______If pirates would've worn eye patches on both eyes to begin with... that stupid parrot on their shoulder wouldn't eat their eye balls out. (funny pirate status)

 _______It is sad and absoluely astownding how many people just don't know how to spell or use proper grammar. It's like they don't got no cents. (funny grammar status)

 _______I feel sorry for ham, if it would of tried harder it could of been bacon (funny bacon status)

 _______Pretty sure that high pitch ring in your ear that happens from time to time... is just a dog in a parallel universe blowing a human whistle.

 _______I wish people would stop making fun of me for being fat. I have enough on my plate as it is. (funny fat status)

 _______Can I just get a relationship status that says I'm awesome and attract a lot of shit. (funny relationship status)

 _______If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself. ...which is why like my own statuses.  (best funny Facebook status)

_______I have spent the last 6 months at work trying to balance my chair on two legs for more than 3 minutes at a time (funny work status)

 _______I ordered an omelette for lunch today. They asked if I wanted a three egg or five egg omelette. I said, "I don't like to count my chickens before they hatch." (funny stupid status)

 _______If I ever went into the military I'd probably legally change my last name to Obvious so that one day I really could be Captain Obvious. (funny military status)

 _______Old creepers at the bar should come with a Benny Hill theme. (bar status)

_______I just deleted my "Weather Network" app because, Facebook..... (funny weather status)

  _______Identical twins are just a time travel experiment gone horribly wrong. (funny status about identical twins)

You Might also Like
Hilarious Sarcastic Status
Famous Funny Statuses

19 Funny,Witty,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______i remember before i started drinking i would finish my sentences but now I (funny drinking status)
_______I can only imagine being full of beer, in line for the bathroom, at The Superbowl, in New Orleans, when the lights went out. (hilarious superbowl status)

_______Just checked my FarmVille for the first time in like a year, it's now a strip mall...(funny status about FarmVille)

_______ The worst thing about being single is having to make your own sandwiches. (funny being single status)

_______ Ironic that Beyonce is doing the Pepsi halftime show after being caught miming. 
Pepsi and Beyonce. Not quite the real thing.  (funny status about Beyonce)
______ Video killed the radio star, but reality TV killed the video star and today's pop music killed the talented musician. (famous funny status)

______My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one. (funny wife status)

______Keep your friends close, your family the closest, your enemies within range and your Facebook friends obsolete. (funny friends status)

______Right away, I knew it was a Secret Service dog, because it always barked into its wrist.  

                                                                                                                                                   ______So tell me again... How you just ain't got no time for that...

______I'm confused... At a 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way, right? (funny status about texting)

______I'm 42 years old and can drink a beer in my new couch cushion fort if I want to mom!

______Quit acting like you didn’t know your mom is a wh*re. Did you really believe that you had that many "uncles"? (you mama jokes)

______Ladies... Handmade gifts are sweet, but using your mouth is better... (funny Valentine status)

______My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile and I thought, wow, that's an awfully big word for a nine year-old. (girlfriend status)

______‎"Other than that, how was the cruise?" Too soon? Ok...I'll just let myself out...

______I just saved $50 on this delightful multi colored assortment of roses for my girlfriend. By not buying them. (funny gf status)

______I'll let a stranger hold my kid before I let them hold my phone, because priorities. (funny phone status)

______Personally I don't give a shit if there are local girls in my area....because I'm busy working from home. (funny net surfing status)

______So there I was making funny faces in the bathroom mirror and I suddenly realized my ol' lady was right....... I ain't never gonna grow up.

You Might Also Like
Sarcastic Status
Funny Gasoline Status

18 Funny and Hilarious most Facebook Statuses

_______If I had to choose between my kids and a million dollars...............it would probably be very hard................to decide which car to buy first! (funny money status)
_______Fool people into thinking you are a meteorologist by posting weather updates on Facebook
_______Boss: Let me make myself clear.  Me: I wish you would because I'm tired of looking at you. (funny status about Boss)
_______If I had a choice between Parkinson's and Alzheimer's I'd choose Parkinson's...because I'd rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it. (funny status about Parkinson's )
_______Bad pick up line : I have all this birth control and I don't want it to go to waste.
_______People need to stop sending me invites for games..........I'm currently in a unfriending mood (funny game invite status)
_______Holy Shit! I just noticed something that will blow your mind. Did you guys know that Facebook has a "sign out" button?  (funny Facebook Status)
_______Am I the only person who thinks the guy that came up with rumble strips on the road was just trying to enhance road head?
_______On this date next year, I am going to scroll down to this status and leave myself a comment. Can't wait to find out what my future self has to say.
_______First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today (most hilarious status ever)
_______I'm currently saving myself a fortune by not actually having any money to spend. (funny fortune status)

_______I always automatically assume, when meeting people for the first time, that they are complete and utter twats until proven otherwise. That way, I'm either always right, or pleasantly surprised. (best funny hilarious status)
_______I'm imagining skipping rocks over a pond... when in reality I'm actually tossing bricks over the fence into my neighbors pool. (funny offensive status)
_______Hey I chopped off your nose... It was in my business again. (funny business status)
_______I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you f**k with me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body
_______Listen you punk..I am not gay! I am only wearing pink in the support for the fight against breast cancer......and these heels I have on just means...........uhmmm..........well u just f**k off and mind your own business! (funny gay status)
_______I would rather break both legs than spill my beer! - everyone that has fallen with a beer in their hand. (funny beer status)
_______Running from your problems doesn't help. Unless your problem is being fat... (funny fat status)

You May Also Like
15 Funny Status
16 Funny Status

17 Funny,Witty,Cool,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______They say a change is around the corner and they were right. I turned the corner of this building and fall into a deep deep hole. (funny change status)
_______I just got gas. So I drove to the gas station to let everyone know what I think of the gas prices. (funny gasoline status)
_______If at first you don't succeed......Just say "f**k it" and move on to something else. 
_______I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I've started to only fight 'downhill' battles.
_______If I can't be the first one to like a status then I don't because I am a leader not a follower (funny Facebook status)
_______You know how people say "Hurry up and tell me! The suspense is killing me!"?
Well, you're not going to believe what else I found out today... (funny suspense status)
_______If there's one thing I've learned from watching Saturday morning cartoons... it's to always carry a short bamboo stick in case you get attacked by a swarm of bees, you can jump into a pond and still breathe. (funny cartoons status)
_______This wonderful dinner I just ate at this exquisite restaurant tastes like I'm gonna be locked up for not being able to pay for the check! (funny dinner status)
_______When I see a girl with a whole lot of makeup on, I want to use my finger & write "WASH ME" on her face. (funny status about girls makeup)

_______Good News guys! I'm an official member of the neighborhood watch, I'll be able to get my drug cartel up and running without interference :D (hilarious status update)
_______You poke me like you know me (funny poke status)
_______So I beat up a guy who likes to reply with 'K' to every message. Don't worry, he's k. (annoying status)
_______When people say "you're just not right" that's a compliment, isn't it?.... I'm thinking it is...
_______I always keep my middle finger well manicured because it's the one people see the most. (hilarious sarcastic status)
_______Why don't you put on some lipstick so it will be pretty when you kiss my a**...
_______I wish I could travel faster than the speed of sound. Then I couldn't hear all the things that my wife wants me to do today  (funny status about wife)
_______i really love all my friends on facebook :)........i mean.......it doesn't even bother me that you are all so ugly! (funny status about Facebook friends)
_______Considering the fact that my phone just autocorrected "hug" to "huh", you tell me how my personal life is going.

You May Also Like
Funny Love Status
Hilarious Status

16 Funny,Witty,Cool,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______I was out job hunting and I took a break at the park. Glad I did. I found your mom and she gave me one (sarcastic status)

_______Google+ is now the fannypack of the internet. (google+ status)

_______You see, I don't take orders from anyone....and that's another reason why my Restaurant is closed. (hilarious status)

_______The only time I ever go postal is when I have something to mail.

_______When I'm pissed off I like to exhale my cigarette smoke through my nose because it makes me feel like a dragon, like every moment to be exact

_______I think it's a bit unfair to call me arrogant. I'd like to see how you fare, making your way through life without a single thing to be modest about.

_______Never give up on your dreams, and never let anyone tell you there's something you can't do. Because, you know, you're already enough of a whiny little b!tch as it is. (funny dream status)

_______Avoid the awkward silence on a first date by asking her if she wants to see the coat you made from human skin (funny awkward status)

_______I hate that I'm not invited to things that I would never go to anyway. (funny hate status)

_______Nothing brings forth my creative genius more than being stuck in the middle of nowhere with a craving for a cigarette and no lighter handy. (funny genius status)

_______I'm a little worried that my crotch has been burning lately.....I guess that just means someone has been talking about it

_______I don't always post negative... but when I do, only sum of you will know the difference. (funny tricky status)

_______My wife is leaving me because I am apparently too apologetic, ........well 'I'm sorry' that's just how I am! (funny wife status)

_______This morning I asked my doctor why I still keep imagining I'm a telephone.  He wouldn't answer me.

_______Woke up late for work again... they were like "Sir, guns and alcohol are not allowed and for the last time, you do not work here!" (funny work status)

_______I don't always personalise my status updates, but when I do it's because f**k you, short-sighted early-morning jogging man. And f**k your dog too.

You May Also Like
13 Funny Status
14 Funny Status

15 Funny,Witty,Hilarious,Cool and Clever Facebook Status Updates

_______This year has taught me that to become very successful in the music industry you only need to be fat, korean and have your own dance moves. (funny music status)

_______As Men I think we should unite and stand up for this injustice... When they advertise toothpaste they show teeth, when they advertise shampoo the show hair, makeup they show face, BUT when they advertise tampons(sanitar pads) they do not show anything... The suspense is UNFAIR...  (hilarious status)

_______If winding up every egg timer and alarm clock in Red Dot is wrong I don't ever wanna be right... 

_______I wanted to tell my leper neighbor what I really thought of him.....but I was afraid he would just go to pieces.... (funny status about neighbor)

_______"Let me introduce you to the next big thing" - an insensitive meeting coordinator at Overeaters Anonymous (hilarious status)

_______I really hope that the first thing I hear on the 21st isn't an Adele song (funny status about Adele)

_______I bet Kevin Bacon refers to his junk as bacon bits

_______It's not illegal to shoot pigs with birds out of a slingshot... as long as you make them angry first. (funny angry pigs status)

_______I've never had any professional dance training... but I can strap myself to the ceiling fan and spin around on the highest setting for like 20 minutes. (funny dance status)

_______Long term effects of drug use- I cant remember what I did a month ago. Short term effects- I can't remember what I just said the long term effects are (funny drugs status)

_______Since hops and barley are technically plants that makes me a herbivore not an alcoholic (funny alcoholic status)

_______I must be getting old because the list of things that annoy me or piss me off seems to be getting longer every day... (funny pissed status)

_______I am trying to think of something special to get my wife for Christmas but it is really rare because she already has me... (funny status for Christmas)

_______If you microwave a burrito for 1 minute it is still frozen in the center. If you cook the next one for 1 minute and 10 seconds you get third degree burns in your mouth. Well played microwave, well played (funny microwave status)

________The nice thing about being an a**hole is no one asks you to do them a favor... (funny annoying status)

________It's still not too late to send me a huge donation to secure your place in Heaven before the world ends.... (funny end of the world status)

You May Also Like
12 Funny Status
13 Funny Status

14 Funny,Witty,Cool,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______I've got a time machine...I get in and it takes me 7 hours into the future...I call it... bed.... (funny bed status)
_______I'm truly amazed that the quietest people have the loudest opinions! Me talking to myself in the mirror.  (funny quiet status)
_______In 2013, my first status update on Facebook will be "is anyone alive?" (funny 21 December world ending status)
_______Some guy wanted to fight me..... I said "I'm a lover, not a fighter!!!". Well, long story short, I should have said I'm a fighter  (funny Love status)
_______I believe in hunting everything I eat...Yesterday, I shot a chicken quesadilla...

_______I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me, my arms for being by my side and my fingers and toes because I can always count on them (hilarious status)
_______I love those "Choose your adventure" books because my two favorite things are reading and blaming myself for bad decisions. (funny adventure status)
_______I think I need to return my GPS because it's defective...no matter what it can't help me find easy street (funny GPS status)
_______When I see blokes writing Single and ready to mingle... I think Naaa mate you're just a Loner with a Boner. (funny single status)
_______Knowing my luck, my dentist will probably try to tell me I have the kind of teeth that need to be brushed every day. (funny dentist status)
_______Was at the gym today in case you're wondering how dedicated I am in getting you to want every inch of me.... (funny gym status)
_______Just when I thought there was hope for mankind,I go on Youtube,only to discover that 8 million people has so far seen a 10s econd clip of Justin Bieber throwing up on stage... (funny Bieber status)
_______From now on when I see a relationship status change to married, I will offer my condolences. (funny marriage status)
_______My coworker didn't like it when i put an odor eater in his mouth while he was talking. Ungrateful sob
_______Got a parking ticket yesterday. Apparently "FINE FOR PARKING" doesn't mean 'fine' for parking... (funny parking status)

You May Also Like11 Funny Status
12 Funny Status

13 Funny,Witty,Hilarious and Clever Facebook Statuses

_______It brought happy tears to my eyes when I heard my child crying at 3 am and asking for his mom and not for me  (funny lovely status)

_______a mysterious hole has been found in my lesbians neighbours wall............me and a couple friends are looking into it  (funny status about lesbians)

_______My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom :P   (crazy funny status)

_______I'm hungry and broke. And all I've got left is news-feed.

_______It's just dawned on me that I'm becoming increasingly tired of being me. Something needs to break before I break it myself.  (funny break status)

_______Am I the only one who suddenly flies into a violent rage for no apparent reason, or does it happen to you t... AARGH! TO HELL WITH THIS SH!T!  (funny rage status)

_______Please do not assume that the fact that I'm better than you in every imaginable way means that I have a superiority complex. It irritates me when plebeians do that.

_______Deciding to wake up this morning was not one of my wisest decisions. My hair hurts.

_______It's so cute when I see people holding hands and kissing in public... but when I try to do it, they just point and scream "Bad Man" then call the cops! (funny loving making status)

_______I feel that i lost something but I don't know if it's my car keys or my sense of humor (humorous status)

_______So I said to my boss “How are you?” and he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ and then he asked me if I was high.  (funny high status)

_______Guys who learn from their past mistakes gets two things: 1) Experience. 2) Girlfriends

_______Being single is awesome. I do what I want, I say what I want, and I sleep with who ever will let me. (funny being single status)

You May Also Like

10 Funny Facebook Status
11 Funny Facebook Status

12 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______I find people so annoying when they talk to me and expect me to listen to whatever it is they're saying. (funny annoying status)
_______I know that something is very very wrong when I start to feel like the only sane person in the room.
_______Hi Gaga, I wish I could download all your clothes and press delete. (funny status about lady Gaga)
_______I always obey traffic laws.... as soon as I've left my drug dealer's house. 
_______I may or may not have just ruined someone's marriage. But in my defence, I got all my drinks for free tonight.... (funny marriage status)
_______If a midget with down syndrome kept arriving late for work everyday, would it be ok for the boss to say he was always a little tardy??  (funny midget status)

_______If you say, "I have a surprise for you!" and you're not without clothes holding a beer... I'm going to be really embarrassed. (funny surprise status)
_______I want to be a little poorer...I'm very poor right now.  (funny poor status)
_______I'm in a bit of a love affair with my neighbors wifi. I guess you could say we have a connection.  (funny wifi connection status)
_______I signed up for Instagram, I should be receiving my shipment of Coke soon. (funny Instagram status)
_______Me and my girlfriend couldn't be more different. I exist and she doesn't.
_______And for my next trick... watch me down these crushed aspirin in this Bloody Mary and make this hangover disappear! (funny hangover status)
_______I'm not impressed by good looks as long as you look good  (funny looks status)

You May Also Like

9 Funny Facebook Status
10 Funny Facebook Status

11 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and Microsoft upgrades.  (funny Microsoft status)

_______My life has become a lot more easier............. since I have given up all hope of becoming anything good in life!  (funny hope life status)

_______I can fart the song "Feelings". See I care... (funny feelings status)

_______My new hobby is hugging Walmart greeters and softly whispering in their ears, "Thank you for your service."  (funny Walmart statu)

_______The lmao weight loss plan doesn't seem to be working

_______My husband says I'm too impulsive. What the f**k does he know? He only met me yesterday...

_______Someone told me to go hard or go home, but I was only sitting and didn't want to go home, so I sat harder than I've ever sat in my life...  (funny life status)

_______They told me to come here and write something funny, so I'm gonna post my bank account balance: -$1.09  (funny bank account status)

_______A cop pulled into the same convenience store I was at and left his car running, while he ran in. Knowing it was a bad part of town, I reached in and locked it for him.

_______Any time I'm at work and I receive an "Out of Office" automated reply from someone, I always get a little jealous of that person.  (funny jealousy status)

_______Please leave a 'lol', 'rofl' or 'lmao' in the comment section below, so that people will think I'm funny ;)

You May Also Like

8 Funny Facebook Status
9 Funny Facebook Status

10 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______the world is a dangerous place...2 minutes ago I punched a guy for no reason (funny status about world)
_______When I die Please carve the word Modest on my statue... (funny modest status)
_______Rather than apologise to people I insult or offend, I tend to drop a large, heavy iron box, complete with a door and a combination lock, on to their heads from a height. Because, apparently, better safe than sorry.  (funny stupid status)
_______If someone offers you drugs, just say no .... . and keep saying no. That way you'll get the price right down...  (funny drug status)
_______Guys, just because you're "mechanically inclined" doesn't mean you know how to use your tool... (funny status about guys)
_______Don't think of me as a peeping tom. Its more like security you don't have to pay for... (funny stalking status)
_______I hate when people say You know what I mean. I want to poke them in the eye with a stick. You know what I mean?  (funny hate status)
_______Did you ever have one of those days where you just want to punch someone in the face? Well punching someone in the face makes it all better
_______This government is always whining about Energy Saving.... last night I tried saving some by turning off my lights... I ran over a pedestrian  (funny status about govt)

_______I call bullsh!t on you McDonald's...I ate 4 of these damn happy meals and I'm still just as sad. (funny status about McDonald's)
_______SO I saw the new iPhone 5 today. You're telling me you're upgrading from the iPhone 4 just for an extra inch?? I hope your girlfriend doesn't think the same way. ;)  (funny status about iPhone)

You May Also Like

7 Funny Facebook Status
8 Funny Facebook Status

9 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______I love it when people say, "Not to mention the fact that..." and then they do :/ (funny fact status)
_______it's ok for a normal guy to tell a woman "your hair smells nice".. but if a midget does it it's sexual harassment (funny midget status)
_______Sometimes people f**king love me and other times I speak  (funny love status)
_______In my defense she was wearing a T-shirt written 'just do it' on it  (funny T-shirt status)
_______You know you're addicted to Facebook when you prefer to think of your daily Facebook time in minutes, even though it equals 5 hours or more.  (Facebook addiction status)
_______My IQ drops an average of 27 points when there is nice cleavage within eye range.  (funny IQ status)
_______I'm a pretty well travelled guy..... that just means, I've farted in some beautiful places... (funny travel status)
_______I love you just the way you are.....really really far away....don't ever change that.  (funny love status)
_______Sometimes I like your status just so you will think I give a f**k (funny Facebook status)

_______I went to visit my friend today. Apparently he has taught his dog all about hump day, my leg does not appreciate it. (funny hump day status)

You May Also Like

6 Funny Facebook Status
7 Funny Facebook Status