Bunch of Short Funny Jokes

_____if your hotness caused global warming.. I am the reasoning for The Big Bang..!!!

            (joke about global warming, Big Bang Jokes)

_____While performing magic I asked a woman what her favorite card is,

 her reply, "Ummmm...a credit card?!!?"

            (jokes about women and credit cards)

_____‎‎''Hi, I'd like a dog please''

 ''male or female?'' 

   B!tch, please.

     (B!tch Please Jokes)

_____This hot girl at work is flirting with me like crazy but I'm married.

 Do I do the right thing...   or do I tell her I'm married?

            (joke about hot girls, Marriage jokes)

_____Mondays are crap. 

Tuesdays are too. 

Oh Dear Weekend, How I miss you.

           (short jokes about Mondays)

_____It's so beautiful outside. I just went out and stared at a junebug for like 20 minutes......

Then I yelled ,

"ITS ONLY MARCH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ALREADY!"

 I hope I didn't make it cry.

           (Funny March Jokes)

_____My wife says I'm too immature and that I never listen to her. . . 

Maybe that's what she say still, I couldn't hear so well with me watching pokemon 13 on cartoon network

             (Funny Wife Jokes)

_____I am so angry. I was hired as a Walmart greeter last week; not only have they fired me they have refused to pay me AND reimburse me for the mileage that I have racked up driving around the country saying, 

"Saying Hello to ALL the Walmarts..

            (Funny Walmart Jokes)

_____When someone is leaving and they say,

 "I gotta run!"

 I always reply with, 

"Aww, cuz you're fat, huh?"

 Then we have a good laugh... unless they're fat.

            (Joke about Being Fat)

_____Well, I'm off to the eye doctor. I know there's a joke in here somewhere... I just can't see it.

           (short jokes about Doctors)

_____So as I went to school and got in class this morning i started to take notes.....when.........my high school teacher surprisingly looked at me at said 

"Jazz what the hell are you doing here, didn't you graduate over 10 years ago...and go put on some pants u sick bastard"

            (High School Jokes, College Humor Jokes)

______Her: Can we talk?

 Me: Both of us? Or do you talk and I look like I'm paying attention? 

 Her: I hate you.

 Me: Let's talk about that.

             (Shortest Hilarious Joke)

_____Bahahaha - represents a laugh you tried to suppress

 Mawhawhaw - represents a diabolical laugh

 He he he - represents a mischievous laugh

 Ha Ha Ha - represents s hearty laugh

 Tee hee- don't use this unless you are an elderly lady

 hahahahahaha - machine gun laugh (obnoxious)  Learn to use the correct laugh.

              (Laugh Jokes)

______i am in the hospital.. can u please come with 12 beers.. coz the waiting area is boring and am too lazy to get a few by myself..!!  

also, the security took away my weed.. 

              (Weed Jokes)

______WIFE: HEY, BABE ITS RAINING.

 ME: SO WHAT ?. THE F**K YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT ?.

              (Jokes about Raining)

_____I parked my car in a disabled parking space today and a security guy shouted 

"Hey you! what's your disability?" 

I said..

"Tourettes! Now fugg off from here you piece of sh!tt!"

            (Funny Parking Jokes)

_____Finally got around to checking my e-mails from last week,and one was an ad which said "Earn money,call me",

so I called the number,and it said 

"Get a job you f**kin bum"

            (funny Joke about Junk Email and Work)

_____She said 

" where have u been all my life "

 over in the bushes with binoculars was probably not the answer she was expecting

            (Jokes about Stalkers and Stalking)

_____It hurts my feelings when no one responds to my posts. 

What do I have to do, come up with a good one?

_____My math teacher admitted to growing up on coke.  It's ok, I like Pepsi. :)

           (Joke about Coke and Pepsi)

_____ I walked into work wearing one white and one black shoe this morning....

the boss said I looked ridiculous and should go get another pair......

he went livid when I told him I only had two pair of shoes n the ones at home were also black and white

            (joke about Boss)

_____Son: Mom, can I use the Internet now.

 Mom: No, you have to wait, whose paying for this anyway?

 Son: You...

 Mom: No, the neighbors! But I put a lot of hard work in to hacking their internet service, so you just have to wait.

           (Internet Jokes)

25 Funny Quotes

____To stay as my kids leading role model, I changed the covers of their "Superheros" comic books, to pics of ME with the title of, "below average and happy"
_____Life's all about knowing how long to wait before liking someone's new status so they don't find out that you're stalking them. (funny life  
quote)
_____I have way better statuses then all of you here... I'm just too selfish to share any of them with you (funny facebook status)
_____None of your statuses are original..they are just statuses I haven’t thought of yet (funny status)
_____I can't understand why some people take "I hope you die a horrible and painful death, you fat, ugly twat" so personally (hilarious quote)
_____They say my dear that "absence make the heart grow fonder"........so what I am trying to say is.....get the f**k away from me (funny quote)
_____My phone keeps saying "out of service area" when in my lap. It's starting to sound a LOT like my ex-girlfriend
_____Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was too busy imagining you sitting on my face
_____I wish I had tits so people would at least act like they give a shit about what I say.
_____I'm going to sit here and wink at you. It's going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story
_____I don't like to send friend requests to anyone unless we have 30 or more friends in common, so if you still receive a request from me, you've got tits
_____I just couldn't wait to get here for thanksgiving so I can hear what everyone will say about why they're thankful for me (funny thanksgiving quote)
_____asked the gf what she wants for her bday, she said "Something that comes from the heart"...I dont think Blood is a proper bday present though
_____always thought patience comes with age

went to a hospital and realised patients comes with age
_____ It’s so cold I can’t even feel my penis…. Oh sorry dude I thought that was mine (funny cold quote)
_____ I am optimist.. you guys are half full of shit (funny optimist quote)
_____ It’s not easy being that humble when you have no flaws
_____ If I could just make one thing very clear at this point..................................... I would.
_____ ‎98% of all problems can be fixed with the common household hammer
_____ I can't believe I just spent 15 seconds of my life writing this useless status. Worse yet is the fact that I spend hours reading YOURS
_____ Sometimes when I’m having dinner I fantasize about other dinners
_____ Seriously I’ve been on facebook for quite a time and I’ve seen everything at least twice..even this status (funny status)
_____ My therapist told me that I have an ego problem…. oh yeah she wants me
_____ I'm not a hypocrite, I just want to punch people in the face so they don't make the same mistakes that I did
_____ I have huge balls - A bowler. (funny cricket quote)

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23 Funny Quotes

_____There's no feeling better that this warm air coming from your laptop on your crotch in this freaking cold weather. (funny winter quote)
_____I type my statuses slowly, so that some of you can understand them. (funny Facebook status)
_____I just read that prostate exams are only necessary if you’re over 40… my doctor has some good explaining to do (funny status ,joke)
_____If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar. (funny bar quote)
_____There's nothing that feels more like a slap in a face than someone swinging their open palm right into your cheek. (funny status quote)
_____‎"With" implies the feeling is mutual so 'technically' you're only in love AT me. (funny love quote)
_____My doctor asked me if i have a drinking problem. I said no. He laughed and said 'No, seriously.' (funny status joke)
_____You’re not the boss of me ~ me to my boss right after he fired me. (funny boss quote)
_____When someone asks you where the boss' room is, laugh hysterically then suddenly get back to whatever you were doing. Just to make things interesting. (funny boss status joke)
_____Today I am going out and making the world a brighter place. . . I'm going to throw lamps at people and tell them to "Lighten the F**k Up!! (top funny status quote)
_____Well i had a funny and witty status for the day but due to my terrible attention span i forgo - O SQUIRREL! , i wonder if i can catch him. (best funny status)
_____The worst part about being ME...?? well.. there is none.. i am AWESOME! (awesome status quote)
_____It's not that I hate you, but let's just say, if you were on fire and I had water in my mouth, I'd gulp it down. Unless I'd been drinking petrol. Then I'd just spit on you. (funny hate quote, joke)
_____‎"I can attribute quotes to anybody on here and nobody can prove that person didn't say it!" (funny status quote)
_____If a chick tells you she's "not like all the other girls"....she just proved she's exactly like all the other girls. (funny chick status quote)
_____The better my status, the more Facebook friends I lose. (funny Facebook status)

_____Unless you are alone, don’t ever laugh in the bathroom, it will make people think ur playing with yourself. (funny status quote)
_____I can't make you love me but I can get drunk and beat off to your voice mails. (funny voice mail  quote)
_____I liked you status and now 100 comments later, I hate you! (funny status quote)
_____I LOVE Justin Bieber. ~ People in my block list (funny bieber status)
_____I like my women like I like my windows 98... Always going down on me (top funny quote)
_____I always pull over to help a good looking girl with car troubles. I don't know anything about cars but I know how pornos start. (best witty status quote)
_____I am so broke...if it took .25 cents to get around the world...I could not get around the block! (best funny quote)
_____MARK MY WORDS!!!!!!! - me to my highlighter :) (top funny quote, short joke)
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22 Funny Quotes

____I listen to stranger's conversations and give my opinion... "does this dress make my butt look big?" "no but your butt makes that dress look big!" (best funny quote, status, joke)
_____Forget about wanting a *dislike* button added to Facebook. I want the ability to toilet paper someone's wall. (funny Facebook status)
_____I wish I lacked confidence & talent so I could become successful by kissing people's a$$e$ instead of working hard & earning it. (hilarious, witty quote)
_____I'm very concerned by the fact that I actually understand, and can somewhat relate to, the things you people are saying.(funny quote of the day)

_____You know how sometimes you spit while running and it’s perfectly normal? Well the guy on the treadmill next to me was annoyed (funny quote, joke)
_____A gallon of fuel cost more than my Crown and Coke at the bar, The world has now officially gone to hell. (top funny quote, hilarious status)
_____as long as its not in my a$$, I simply DON'T CARE! (hilarious ,witty quote, funny joke)

_____Please stand back I am a professional. I am a humor status specialist. (top funny quote, funny status, short joke)
_____I don't care if you call me a narcissist.. at least we’re talking about me (funny quote, status)
_____My status would be a lot funnier if I could do it in another font. (funny status, quote)
_____My doctor asked me if I was a heavy drinker.

Me: No.... I only buy a 6 pack 4 times a day.... it's lighter to carry that way.  (short funny joke, funny status)

_____I can never remember- is it two pills three days a week or three pills twice a day. Labels. (best funny quote , hilarious status)
_____If you're paying a penny for my thoughts you're paying way too much. (awesome funny quote)
_____I'm not 'unemployed', I just have earning difficulties. (funny unemployment quote , status)
_____You can't be ugly and mean...Be ugly and jolly or a gorgeous bi**h. (hilarious witty quote, joke)
_____Don't hate on me....because I have the balls to speak my mind (best funny quote)
_____Two things in this world speak of how many loads they can handle... Laundry detergent and pornstars. (witty quote, short joke)
_____The way this fly is rubbing its hand together I'm sure it's planning something evil  (witty quote, hilarious status)
_____I've found that left-handed people just aren't right  (funny quote)
_____I've been watching the TV for the past three hours... I think it's time to turn it on.. (funny TV quote)
_____This status is based on actual facts: you're an a$$hole  (witty quote, hilarious status)
_____Nothing reminds me how often I'm wrong more than the question "Guess what?!"  (awesome funny quote, best status, joke)

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21 Funny Quotes

____The probability of me having a Good Night is equal to the probability of you wishing me a Good Night.. (funny quote)
_____I don't care to date the most beautiful woman in the world.. I want the woman who makes the world the most beautiful to me (top funny quote, short joke)
_____‎3 Advice for Life

1- never be afraid to say what's on your mind

2- never be afraid to do what's on your mind

3- never take life advices from a facebook status .............. (funny status)
_____I want you to sensually harass me......... (best funny quote, status)
_____I'm nothing like a cat... I have 5 facebook accounts but no life     (funny Facebook status)
_____It would be great that before going to bed life asks us if we want to save the changes.... (funny life quote, status , joke)
_____I made many mistakes in my life recently..If you don’t hear from me soon... you are one of them (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____Just got some awesome wheels for the car! Gas is to high to drive it but I can only imagine how cool I'm gonna look when I push it to town. (Funny gas quote, status, joke)
_____I Always make sure to click like on my pics and statuses... I also enjoy a great self high five. (funny high five quote, status)
_____I have to go to court for stalking pretty girls like you - pick up line I will never use again..... (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____If I'm in a bar and a girl asks me where the bathroom is, I just point to my face and wink at them. (funny bar status, short joke)
_____It's physically impossible to be a sack of shit and a piece of shit at the same time. One must always choose wisely. (funny shit quote,status, joke)
_____Today I am thankful for involuntary hospitalizations and psychiatric nurses with no professional boundaries... (funny medical joke, quote, status)
_____Someone once asked me what I thought of apathy, I told them I don't much care for it. (funny apathy quote, status, joke)
_____I'm going to start carrying around a note book shaped like an eye. I've always wanted an Eye Pad.. (funny iPad quote , status)
_____I'm a gentleman. I'll file the restraining order myself.. (funny quote, hilarious status)
_____Girl at the grocery asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I replied "I don't care, I'm bisacktual". (witty quote)
_____girls don't listen to me, which is really frustrating when I'm trying to tell one that we're meant for each other. (best funny quote, witty status, short joke)
_____When my ex left me, she had a lot of junk in the trunk......it was all mine and now I don't have a trunk :( (funny ex quote, hilarious 
status)
_____  If you can't read my misspelled jokes and incorrect punctuated statements then too bad ....I'm still laughing. (funny status, joke)
_____My sense of humor is bein' shaped by people I never have to meet.. I wouldn't have it any other way. (funny quote status)

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20 Funny Quotes

____I'm so hot while cleaning the house I make the floor wet. (funny quote, funny status)

____Its 2:30 you know what that means? That's right... Its no longer 2:29...... (funny time quote, short joke)
_____I did everything on my to do list today. It started with nothing & ended with nothing & I did it all. (funny daily quote, funny joke)
_____A girl can go from a perfect 10 to a modest 4 by taking off her over sized sunglasses. (funny quote, funny status)
_____Well, I have more cavities than I thought....... those customs agents do a pretty thorough job :( (funny custom agent quote,joke)
_____You can tell a lot about a person by putting little video cameras throughout their house. (funny quote, funny status)
_____I don’t have trust issues, I just don’t trust you. (funny trust quote, hilarious status)
_____I was told to always speak my mind...but I was also told if I don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Do you see my problem here? (top funny quote, funny status)
_____This day couldn't possibly get worse - me, right before being called to work urgently, being pulled over by a cop for "accidentally" showing him the finger, and updating this status instead of using my one phone call to call my lawyer. (funny daily status, joke)
_____Today, I decided to face all my problems head on.. therefore unblocking everyone previously blocked. Let the games begin. (funny status, funny Facebook quote)
_____There is not ONE person reading this, right now, who doesn't need some sort of therapy (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____The thing about dignity and self respect is I don't have either, which is why I'm on f**king Facebook.. (funny Facebook quote)
_____Serious WARNING : Objects in pants are larger than they appear.......... (best hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____The dedication to work is inversely proportional to square of the distance to the deadline. (funny work quote, awesome quote)
_____I can't believe people still read the newspaper to find out how f**ked up people are.. I just log into Facebook. (funny Facebook quote, funny Facebook status)
_____My girlfriend asked me if I love Facebook more than I love her...I said, I'm sorry, but I don't talk to people who don't like my statuses. (funny Facebook quote, Funny Facebook status)
_____So. I got the boys together last night for a game of poker...........she was such a great sport. (hilarious quote, hilarious status)
_____‎2012 will be the end…of that theory (top funny 2012 quote, best funny quote)
_____Most people don't pay my bills so I don't give a shit about what most people do.  (funny bill quote, funny status)
_____My typical day: 1. wake up 2. realize I have so much to do I don't know where to begin 3. spend the rest of the day on Facebook....... (funny Facebook quote, Funny daily quote)
_____If being a friend was a job… you’re fired (funny friend quote, funny work quote)

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19 Funny Quotes

____A mind is a terrible thing to waste. A dirty mind is terrible thing to hide :D (funny mind quote, hilarious quote, funny status)
_____I guess the biggest reason why every other driver out there pisses me off so much is that I am the best driver in the world. (funny driver quote, funny quote, funny status)
_____I wish I could Google anything. I'd search "WHERE THE HELL IS MY I POD?" and it would be like "UNDER THE COUCH YOU DUMB A$$" (hilarious quote, funny Google quote, funny iPod quote)
_____‎"My pen ran out".........."Well go on, you better chase after it.. (best funny quote, top funny quote, joke)
_____I know my profile pic/avatar makes me look like a douchebag a**hole. That's intentional. (hilarious funny quote, funny avatar quote)
_____Its amazing how traffic splits when you're firing your weapon out the window. (top funny quote, best funny quote, funny status)
_____Dear girls who are in a 'complicated relationship. Cut that shit out and be with me (funny relationship quote, funny status, joke)
_____I just read somewhere that smoking pot causes amnesia and some other things I can’t seem to remember. (funny amnesia quote, funny status, joke)
_____If you really want to impress them at your job interview. Give them the sense of importance when they are talking to you and finish all of your sentences with "or some shit like that". (funny shit quote, status , joke)
_____Life shouldn't be about seeking other peoples acceptance and approval! Don't you agree?...DON"T YOU? (funny life quote, top funny quote, funny status)
_____Ever have a day when you wake up and just wanna punch something?..........My brother hates those days... (funny daily quote, funny status, short joke)
_____someone called me old fashioned from a rotary phone.......... eh talking about me duh ..... (funny rotary quote, best funny quote, funny fashion quote)
_____I never question authority because it's quite clear that they don't have a freaking clue. (funny authority quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____If you've ever blamed your attitude on your zodiac sign.. then it's written in the stars for you to step in front of a moving  train. (funny attitude quote, funny zodiac quote, funny star quote)
_____My toilet is half full............................... optimistic plumber (top most funny quote, funny toilet quote, best funny quote)
_____I experimented with drugs so much that my hypothesis of why.. eventually had an outcome of why not. (funny drugs quote, funny status, joke)
_____People who believe that children are our future should also know that some of them are already pregnant and will soon have children of their future. (funny children quote, funny future quote, joke)
_____I love sitting on my couch and playing scrabble....and by "scrabble" I mean "with myself."  (funny scrabble quote, top funny status)
_____Everyone doesn't copy paste status' you know..... some just reads carefully, then types it in. (funny status, best funny status, funny quote)

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18 Funny Quotes

____Sometimes people say something so stupid, I roll my eyes with such force that I actually travel 60 seconds back in time. Then I have to endure your stupidity all over again. (funny quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____Every time someone honks at me 0.008 seconds after the light turns green, I get out of my car and tie my shoes. (funny quote, funny status, witty status)
_____I guess that pearl necklace I gave my wife last night while she was sleeping wasn't exactly what she meant when she said she loves jewelry as a surprise. (funny wife quote, funny status, hilarious status)
_____OK let me put it this way.. If arm hair were currency.. You’d be bill gates. (funny quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____Me to my therapist: Doctor People are always ignoring me............Therapist: Next (funny doctor quote joke)
_____So the truth is, I am planning to break-up with your girlfriend. (best funny quote, top funny quote, funny status)
_____Every time a guy I am dating tells me that he thinks we might be soul mates…I drop him. If that shit is true…he must be one hell of a heartless asshole too. (funny status, funny joke)
_____People get so irritated when I ride up beside them and honk my horn. But they never do anything to me, because I'm super fast on my push bike. (funny quote, funny status, funny joke)
_____I hate those people who takes drugs...for example Custom Officers.  (funny drug quote, status, joke)
_____I invited my girlfriend to have dinner with my family. I thought it went well, but my wife was pissed. (funny wife quote, funny gf quote, funny status)
_____As an ideal student, I think that the time we waste watching TV and do Facebook could be effectively used for sleeping. (funny student quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____What? You're married? That's cool. I'm not the jealous type. (top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____I can only understand simplicity and straightforwardness in people and not their complexities and manipulations ...I am a minor dyslexia case . (funny quote, funny status, joke)
_____If you tell me that you've lost your home I'm gonna' assume you live in a trailer and someone just drove off with it. (funny quote, funny  status, joke)
_____So This time I added 7up to my Vodka.. long story short I got my first Period (funny stupid quote)
_____It may just be jealousy but I can't stand LUCKY Bastards. The regular ones are fine in my book. (top funny quote, funny status)
_____It’s not possible that you tell people that you have a broken heart because then it can't pump fresh blood through your body and you DIE! (funny love quote, funny heart quote)
_____Listen up kids, it's really important that you go to college so you can get a good job and be able to afford to pay for your kids to go to college or pay me back, I'm just saying. (funny quote, funny status, joke)

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