72 Funny Quotes

_______I wanted to start procrastinating today.........but I guess I'll just do it next week (procrastinating quote)
_______I know my wife's had an okay day at work if she takes all her rings off before beating me. (funny wife beating quote)
_______I've rode unicycles, motorcycles and bicycles. I need to learn how to ride a menstrualcycle, because my date says she's on hers. Can anyone give me tips. (tips quote)
_______i like my women like how i like my beer..............there is no real comparison.....i just really like women and i really like beer (funny beer women quote)
_______When it comes to women I'm always very selective.......I always go for women......who are willing to sleep with me (funny women sleep quote)
_______Ok, i have 10 slices of cake, and someone asks me for one. how many do i have left? Thats right, i got 10 left. :P (short joke)
_______You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.. (funny restaurant quote status)
_______My friend said onions are the only food that can make you cry so I hit him in the face with a can of corn  (funny onion quote status)
_______When the bank teller started to give me my balance this morning I pressed my fingers to her lips and said sssssssssh. (funniest famous bank balance quote status)
_______I've been using my doctor's diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's to help me get out of certain situations..........Like telling my wife I don't remember marrying her  (funny Alzheimer's quote)
_______This guy I pass every morning on my way to work... always seems to have the day off and a beer in his hand. (funny beer day quotes)
_______That proud, shining moment when your 5 year old answers the phone and tells the telemarketer to hell off and to take whatever he's selling and shove it up his a**.  (famous funny telemarketer quote)
_______I accidentally pocket dialed 911 today. When they called back to ask what the problem was, I told them I must've had an emergency in my pants... (funny 911 pants emergency quote status)
_______I was the kid in band camp that played with his own flute  (famous funny quote)
_______Of course honey.. I understand exactly what you're NOT talking about. ~ every dude going through the "silent treatment".  (funny silent treatment quote)
_______I always get confused when my friend tells me he sees me tomorrow being that he is blind and all.  (confused quotes)
_______Women can be so blind sometimes ......... Apparently they can't see that I'm one of those small packages that good things come in (great funny quotes)
_______I never met a person I did not like, that is until I met you. (shortest sarcastic quote)
_______I'm not a mind reader!!!....and even if I was I wouldn't waste my time on third grade level...  (funniest great sarcastic quote status)
_______Wife said "Who are you texting all the time?" "Are you having an affair?" I said "No, it's more like I'm having one giant comedic 0rgy party in the matrix!" (funny wife status joke)
_______You know u had a rough childhood when u fell asleep on the couch.....and woke up back on the couch (best funny childhood quote ever)
_______I firmly believe that I have been photographed by aliens at night on several occasions but somehow I find comfort in the fact that their technology is not so far advanced that they still require a flash on their camera.  (funny Alien quote status)
________It makes me sad when folks tell me they married their best friend, mostly because marriage between a woman & Vodka will never be legal.  (awesome funny vodka quote)
________The first thing I look for in a girl is creative Facebook Statuses..
________Stay away from the woman who doesn't have at least five pillows on her bed.. She's a dude! (dude quote)
________If you find someone really special don't tell them because you will probably end up ruining them once they find out  (funny life quote)
________Whenever 2 people are off sick on the same day, I start rumors that they're having an affair together cause work is boring and screw coworkers !  (funny coworker affair status)
________My neighbor's kid is at that age where he does annoying things,like breathe (Annoying neighbor quote)
________Sure, I'd love to help the homeless people,i just dont know where they live.... (homeless quote)
________The biggest mistake girls make is thinking they're in love with the poet when they're really in love with the poem.. (Awesome nice love poem poet quote)
________I bought some drugs on the internet that they say make you live forever. Well I must say its working wonders so far  (stupid quote)
________You questioned my intentions. When all the while, I was laughing internally, because I already know them. :)  (funny intentions quote)

________there are two kinds of women on facebook. The kind that look decent and the kind I like (funny Facebook quote)
________The U.S. Department of Education announced today that 2 of 3 students do badly in grammar, but the other half are doing good in maths  (funny bad grammar math quote)
________My boss said I was acting like a baby and getting on her nerves today... I said "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"...  (funny boss quotes)
________Dear people who post pictures of cats and type in a way that gives them that lame-a** accent that you think is cute. Stop it. Stop it now.  (sarcastic quote)
________There's nothing quit like having a co-worker hold your beer... while you piss out their windows during the carpool on the way to work.
________Ok listen ladies.....we love you.....but please don't call when u know I'm watching football and expect me to talk to you!!!!  (funny football quote)
________If you have looked for the like button in an email message, you need an intervention.  (funny intervention quote)
________Statistically, only half of the things I have to do I always delay till a later time......so u could say I'm a semi-procrastinator
________I make it a rule to never answer calls from a number I don't know and then spend the rest of the day wondering who it was and what they wanted.. (funny anonymous calls)
________There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you..  (funny mirror photo quote status)
________I don't want to be one of those people who's on his death bed and says "I wish I would have spent more time on the Facebook!" (funny Facebook addiction quotes)
________I really think I could get a lot for myself on the black market if someone would just tell me where it is, dammit. (funny black market quotes)
________I was on a plane last week and the flight attendant asked "Would you like some headphones?". I said "Sure miss, but my name is Eddie, not phones".  (funny air hostess quote)
________‎I always think about my ex.....whenever I hit a speed bump..... (funny ex quotes)
________Instructions: 1. Drink some beers 2. Write some posts 3. Go to bed  4. Wake up 5. Delete some posts (funny instruction status)
________I am really pissed that the doctor had to amputate my pinky toes due to diabetes. I am definitely lack toes intolerant.  (funny diabetes quote)
________They say blood is thicker than water but sometimes I swear some family members are taking blood thinners!
________My friend was just telling me that he thinks I am too stupid at times...I said well yea...let's see who's stupid.."If u can guess how many doughnuts I have in my bag u can have both of them" (short joke)
________I've got the ignorance part covered. Now where is all of this bliss people have been telling me about? (ignorance quote)
________It's cute how some of you pretend to be friends..  (funny friends quote)
________Mental Note: Women don't find the word "Rapealicious" to be a compliment...... (funny compliment quote)
________My ex-girlfriend liked my comment on a mutual friend's status.. Way to make it so obvious that she still wants me!  (funny girlfriend quote)
________Is a real gentleman, why just yesterday I took the dishes out of the sink before I peed in it  (funny gentleman quotes)
________No I do not want to watch your sister's wrestling match, but I'd love to see her box.
________I was watching women's softball on TV last night and I was very interested in the batter's box. (funny tv quotes)
________I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys Tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of NSync.
________This morning I told my neighbors they needed to buy a new bed. 
________Sometimes I love Japanese food and other times I hate it. I'm very tempura-mental  (funny Japanese food quote)
________Just heard that apple has developed a new informant device for the police......I hear they are going to call it the 'iWitness' (funny quotes about Apple Inc)
________I am not a narcissist! I swear to you on my mirror!  (narcissist quotes)
________If you're a heavy drinker, then you should read the novel, "Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai  (funny Hope quotes)
________One thing I'll never understand is how anyone could ever hurt a child or not like my status. :p (funny Facebook status)
________Hey! In case you don't see or hear from me in awhile, it is because there was a "Where in the hell have you been all night?" note left on the door. So I think I am in a little trouble....maybe. (funny door notes)
________Do you know what I just found out? I found out my new neighbors don't like me singing in the front yard at 3:30 in the morning.  (funny singing quote status)
________I have a feeling I would be more successful had I worked harder, invested wisely and had rich parents to inherit from  (funny hard working quotes)
________pretending to fake a stroke is an easiest way out of your moms' sight when drunk.. But getting disgonsed for mental illness isnt what i was looking for.. I knew returning home drunk was a bad idea!! (bad funny sick ideas)
________i want to go back in time and kill the guy who said ''i am done enough of being drunk and fun over the weekend.. lets go on work on monday".  (funny monday quotes)
________The other day, I was on a date with a really hot model. We had dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed. (funny dating quotes status)
________I can't afford to go on a vacation. So, I just get really drunk and forget where I am.  (funny vacation quote)


You May Also Like25 Funny Quotes

70 funny Quotes

_______Whenever I see a lame status with no likes I want to give it a pity like but I cant...because it is usually one of mine (funny Facebook status)

_______I'm one of those people that can't hide their feelings,so when I'm upset about something people close to me usually know.Today was one of those days... When my friend asked me "Are you ok?'',while tilting her head slightly.I looked her in the eye and said ''Mind your own f**king business !!!!!"......... noisy b!tch ! (funniest quote status ever)

_______Whenever I feel like being in a horrible mood.. I crank up Brittany Spears on my way to work. By the time I get there, I'm ready to shove my foot up someone's a**. Works. Every Time. :) (funny bad mood quote)

_______I'm not very good at doing' push-ups.. I'm much better with push-downs. (famous funny quote)

_______My wife is like the sun.......................She makes my eyes hurt when i look at her (funny wife quote)

_______Isn't it annoying when you're having lunch with your in-laws and they don't exist because no one loves you enough to marry you (funniest love quote ever)

_______Got two pieces of bad news today.   First, my 22 year old next door neighbor is pregnant and secondly, my passport is out of date. (funny bad news quote)

_______Its funny how a picture can spark a memory. When I see yours I am reminded that I need to see a doctor to remove this boil from my a** (funny memories quote)

_______My wife wants to travel to third world countries and teach them how to get water out of a 'hole' in the ground.........I'm sure she means well. (funny third world countries quote)

_______73% of women buy clothes but never wear them. I'd like to meet those women (funny women quote)

_______There are times I flip a table over at a restaurant just to prove that I can......I tip well..... (funny tip quote)

_______Women aren't always right, but they are certainly never wrong. (funny women quote)

_______Friends tend to bend when you in need of their help... Split personalities... I'll be friends with myself.. (funny Friend quote)

_______At work I always get in trouble for two things  1...The things I've done 2....The things I'm not doing. (funny work quote)

_______Wow.. I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look. (funny stupid quote)

_______The quickest way to a woman's heart is through your own pocket. (funny heart quote)

_______Sometimes I wish all ten of my fingers were middle ones. (funny wish )

_______Don't worry if that beautiful girl you've had your eye on doesn't know that you exist......You're less likely to become a suspect if she ''disappears ''. (funny beautiful girl quote)

_______This prostitute's business is growing so fast now she's in retail and whoresale (funny business quote)

_______Okay, since you won't go away, at least "like" my posts.

_______the part where i start giving a f**k to your issues.. Well, i haven't reached that part of the conversation as yet.. :-p (funny issues quotes)

_______I reached my limit in appropriate life choices for the day when I got out of bed.. this afternoon. (funniest life quotes ever)

_______Just want to remind all the blond ladies about tomorrow. TGIF. When you are putting on your shoes Toes Go In First (funny blond quotes)

_______I was told by my Doctor to do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day....so does having panic attacks count (funny Doctor quotes)

_______She is not ugly........she is a beautiful piece of sh!t  ! 

_______My friend wants me to go clubbing but I don't want to get baby seal blood on my new shoes (funny clubbing quote)

_______When someone writes that they lost a loved one, with a very nice tribute to that person. I never know if I should click "like" or not. sooooo....I comment with, "is this good or bad?" please circle one. (funny loved one quote)

_______you know how babies suck their thumbs for comfort? When I'm out of beer I just carry the empty bottle everywhere. (funny beer quote)

_______Just saw my ex at a bar. Asked her if she wanted to come over and hook up just like old times. She said, "Over my dead body". I said, "Yep...just like old times". Not sure what she was drinking but it sure was sticky. (funny ex joke)

_______Zuckerberg got you to devote your life to facebook. Let's see what happens when Zuckerberg tells you to like my status.

_______I'm not really afraid of drowning. I'm just afraid of not having enough air to breathe. In the water. That's totally different. (funny drowning quote)

_______cast iron pans are the way to go. They cook the best, are the easiest to clean and also make a great weapon. (funny weapon quote)

_______Seriously, trust me.. i was kidding when i said.. i will NOT kill u... (kidding quotes)

_______Depression - this is when you login into Facebook see all the notifications and you do not know what to do. (funny Facebook depression quote)

_______My psychiatrist was really pissed at me when I was complaining to him today about how I had problems hearing people but couldn't see them...he was astonished and said when does this happen.....I said over the phone (funny psychiatrist quote)

________I just found a fruit roll up in my pocket which means I left my blunt wrap at work on my desk. (funny work quotes)

________The wife's watching lifetime, the kids asleep and the dogs licking his nuts....all is right with the world (funny world quote)

________I entered a competition and won 2 buns and 6 soft rolls....then again, I always have been the Bread winner..

________I was just labeled as a case of mistaken obscenity (funny labels)

________If I were a poet and you were a llama you couldn't read this and know that it was stupid and doesn't rhyme..

________My coworker keeps playing all his annoying ringtones on his phone. I hope he likes the tone my ring makes when I punch him in the face (funny coworker quote)

________In honor of celebrating 420, I'm going to drink 420 ounces of beer. (funny 420 quotes)

________He said that she said that stuff that was said, so I said that she said the stuff that he said was enough said. There, I have said enough. (funny tongue twist quote)

________I like to sit in front of random people, preferably men, take out my big long banana, peel it, slowly, and then eat it, nice and slow, see that's the way to do it, nice and slow.

_______I'm going to ride this horse off this cliff until it turns into a pegasus... if it's the last thing I do!

_______Your mom is like my new carpet.... Just got laid by 3 guys  (yo mama joke)

_______I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying (funny sleep quote)

_______Being married is like the smell of a hot pizza pie when you are dieting... (funny marriage quote)

_______Does this knife I'm holding to my Jugular make me look married? (funny marriage quote)

_______I got a warning for using 911 improperly because at Micky D's I ordered a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn’t make those I got a little pissed. (funny 911 joke)

_______I am single now, however, I was living with a girl for about four months recently, until she found out I was there. (funny being single quote)

_______All I need is 24 hours of alone time per day & I am good to go! (funny time quote)

_______Everyone using ASAP... needs to calm the f*ck down!

_______No no, I'm sorry for thinking that ur mom acts like a whore............maybe its just a case where all the whores act like your mom!! (funny whore quote)

________I really don't know much about you, but I think we're in for a bad spell of weather.

________If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don't miss twice

________So I found a tumor on my ex's lung. If I would of let her live that would of been some bad news.

________This old lady dropped her bag outside the mall... My girl looked at me and said, "Come on, don't just stand there."...So I started doing star jumps. (short joke)

_______If my dog wakes me up by licking me one more time... I swear to God, I'm gonna buy another one!

_______Boys will be boys, and men will be... Well I don't really know much about mythological creatures. (funny men quote)

_______Do I miss being married? Sure, what could be better than being in a relationship with a female, bipolar version of Darth Vader (funny bipolar quote)

_______Teaching your kids to swim isn't hard .. You just throw them in the deep end either they learn to swim or you get your social life back

_______I just watched a Glade air freshener disintegrate right before my very eyes here in the bathroom....I think I just discovered my super power. (funny super power quote)

_______Tried to record the Justin Bieber special tonight. My TiVo suggested I might also want to punch myself in the throat. (funny quote about Justin Bieber)

_______In ten years, there will be kids walking around thinking Dre is only famous for headphones (funny Dre quote)

_______I'm currently dating a wealthy midget. She is Short on money. (funny midget quote)

_______So I went to the gym today.............and by gym I meant mcdondalds................and by today I mean everyday! (funny gym quote)


You May Also Like
8 Funny Quotes

9 Funny Quotes

10 Funny Quotes

64 Funny Quotes

______After much thought and consideration, I decided to consider the decision to give more thought and consideration to whole thought and consideration process (funny tongue twist quote)

______I tried cow tipping once but it didn't work because your mom has good balance  (Yo Mama jokes)

______When Life hands you lemons... I suggest you check the expiration date on that particular brand of cereal. (funny life quotes)

______Sometimes I stroke my morning wood...... to prepare it for the nights bon fire. (famous funny quote)

______  Just a note to all you teachers. Summer is half over. (funny summer quotes)

______Just watched my marriage video... I tried to skip to the end in hopes of finding alternate endings along with my own version of deleted scenes. (funny marriage quotes)

______Hell, the only ring my ex ever gave me is the one I had to scrub around the toilet! (funny ex quotes)

______How come all the nurples are purple? Is it a survival of the fittest thing? Were all the green and blue nurples killed in a volcanic eruption? More reasons I don't get much done at work. (survival of the fittest quotes)

______I keep telling my psychiatric that his services are no longer needed, because I'm not crazy. I'm f**king BATMAN! (psycho quotes)

______Hey dude flirting with my girlfriend, you might have the 'American height' but I have the African Length’. (Flirting quotes)

______I used to dream of success but now success is not enough. Last night I added a fridge full of six packs (success quote)

______I did not say I want to break up with you, I said I want to break you up, then I break up with you. (break up quotes)

______So last night I went through four magazines back to back in the bus...then somehow people grabbed the gun from me and threw me out. (short joke)

______ Isn't it a coincidence that I don't know the meaning of words? (coincidence quotes)

______While on my way to work this morning, I started to think....the lip gloss is just a little weird. (weird quotes)

______I'm organizing a smash mob. Where everyone meets up to punch you in the face. (sarcastic quote)

______Ever notice Mormon is Just Moron with an extra M? (moron quote)

______Food prices are forecasted to go up. Pretty soon cereal will come in an envelope. (inflation quote)

______Guess who's got an amazing sense of direction? That's right...─────> (stupid quotes)

______Although I have never officially been interrogated, I have ordered a sandwich at Subway so I think I am prepared. (Subway quotes)

______NOOO...I don't like travelling!! I just like sitting.....in a moving bus. (funny travelling quotes)

______The only good thing about a hemorrhoid flare up is.. the sound of your farts. :) (fart quotes)

______Oh you just want to come over and talk at 1 am? I'm sure it will be a meaningful conversation (sarcastic quotes)

______You notice the people on those workout shows have nothing better to do. (workout shows quote)

______If I had a head like yours I'd pull the skin back and piss from it (sarcastic quotes)

______You'd have to be nuts to be between a guys legs 24/7. (hilarious quote)

______My boyfriend is such a great guy. Sometimes I think my husband would really like him (great quotes)

______Like a good neighbor, this State Farm office has free Wi-Fi for me to use. (State Farm Quotes)

______Next time a blocked number calls your phone answer like this, "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. Can I help you?" (funny call blocker quote)

______I feel really bad for that hitchhiker, but then again he should of known he was worth 50 points (hitchhiking quote)

______So I went for a blind date at this skating rink...trust me breaking the ice was the worst job I've ever done.. (blind date quotes)

______If I invite you in, please leave your morals at the door. (funny morals)

______My cell phone calendar goes up to 2036....Wonder if Sprint knows something the Mayans didnt? (Mayans quotes)

______I think my ability to make myself look busy with more work than I can handle is probably my one and only super power. (super power quotes)

______If my name doesn't come up when you go to therapy, I have failed.

______Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. Its just a picture book with women b!tching. (50 shades of gray quotes)

______I am always getting junk mail and I open it right up, but there are no pictures of said junk (junk quotes)

______ Need someone to come help me smash my head in the filing cabinet. I can't do this alone! (funny quote status)

______I changed all the clocks to 5:00 and my boss is still a douche (quotes about boss)

______When prices rise it causes a chain reaction and my foot also rises (funny inflation quote)

______If anyone is looking for a lawyer for defective orthodontic work, I know a great one.....I'll warn you though, he works on retainer (lawyer quotes)

______Those born again people should have to bust through saran wrap or something.

______After I delivered my presentation to the board of directors the president looked at me and said, “HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING BEHIND THAT PROJECTOR SCREEN?” (funny presentation)

______If the man is going to hold me down, he at least should pull my hair or spank me. (hilarious quote)

______Time heals all wounds....well unless it's infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse. (time quotes)

______ Please. Don't feel threatened by my awesomeness. (awesome quote)

______OK learn from me guys. If plan on barging into your boss's office to demand a raise, wear pants, and don't be "noticeably" drunk. (funny boss quotes)

______My doctor told me I should start drinking almond milk for my health. I think I have a defective batch of almonds though....I can't find the udders (funny doctor quotes)

______I'm getting so good at looking like I'm doing something when I'm really not that I'm thinking about running for Congress. (funny quotes about Congress)

______ A good wife waits for her husband at the door to say welcome home may I take your pants? (welcome quotes)

______ You know.... "False information" spelled backwards is "Fu** you" (witty quote)

______Never take advice from me, you'll only end up drunk...... (funny Advice)

______I am currently accepting donations for a beer run so inbox me your credit card number and I'll get more (beer quotes)

______I would love to go down on a gay guy just once, just so I could say I tasted the rainbow (gay quotes)

______I always cry a little inside whenever people say that I'm too soft (great funny quote)

______Just saw a kid put his drink in the fridge so it would still be cold after he got done puking. He's a pro at this. (drink quote status)

______ Take a ticket. You are #1420 on the give a f**k waiting list (funniest sarcastic quote)

______Silly boss thinks I'm coming into work tomorrow......you just paid me and I got lots of alcohols (boss work quote)

______That wide awake song by Katy Perry always puts me to sleep (funny quote about wide awake Katy Perry)

______I have a thing for fat girls ... And that thing is called a diet and exercise program. (funny quote about fat girls)

______i used to be a psychotherapist.. Life has turned me into a psycho! (psycho quotes)

______Giving up doesn't mean you're weak. At times it just means you're too drunk and lazy (drunk lazy quote)

______Someday this flirty banter between us is going to reach a new level..........I'll be waiting. (flirt quote)

______It's always a struggle to get the first one off in bed, but it sure does feel good once both of my socks are off.

______What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions.  It turned out to be a book on chess! (101 positions quotes)


You May Also Like

26 Funny Quotes

27 Funny Quotes

28 Funny Quotes

62 Funny Quotes

______I hope this doesn't make things 'weird ' between us, but sometimes I think of you, to get myself 'going'. (awesome status update)

______I hope fox news is the only media outlet to break the impending zombie apocalypse so all the libs get eaten first. (funny status update about zombie apocalypse)

______Who says there's nothing positive about a heroin addiction? I'll bet those bastards can open the hell out of a Capri Sun. (funny quote about Capri Sun)

______We all know that ONE person, whom we can rely on whenever we need them, who's got our backs, who would do anything for us no matter what......I am not that person.  (Famous funny status update)

______The awkward moment you tinkle on yourself a lil' bit (awkward moment quote)

______This razor/scissor/knife/axe/saw combo I invented is cutting edge 

______I'll scratch your back if you throw me down on mine.

______I knew I had this one in the bag the moment she told me that her favorite Duke Boy was Uncle Jesse. (funny quotes about Uncle Jesse)

______So, based on the new movie John Wilkes Booth was a vampire right? Just trying to help my son with his history paper. (funny quotes about John Wilkes)

______That weird moment when you realise you won't be able to pay your prostitute for her services. (the weird moment quote)

______Go ahead and lower your expectations. If you think I'm going to care, you're asking too much.  (famous funny quote)

______One of the best feelings in the world is the ''I'm sexy and I know it'' feeling......looks like some of you can't quite pull it off.... (funny quotes about LMFAO)

______how would you like your death to be as - look like an accident or a suicide?? I need to work on it accordingly :-D  (funny quote about death)

______Excuse me, you have something on you’re a**...... My eyes (great funny quote)

______My wife said she wanted me to be more romantic, so I am writing her a poem. What rhymes with threesome?  (funny quote about threesome)

______I am going to marry a man with lots of kids. I can use them as shields and decoys when fightings zombies. (funny update about zombies)

______I heard my new neighbor is from Hawaii. Everyone who visits gets 'laid. I am taking him some cookies right now (Funny quotes about Hawaii)

______Ladies, I am a sensitive guy, so when you wash my clothes for me use Tide ONLY....everything else irritates my skin. (funny status update)

______I am going to start a new company and name it 'None of your business' (sarcastic quote)

______I try to stay positive about my job. Like right now, I am positive that it is killing me.  (Funny optimistic quotes)

______Awkward moment when your midget colleague tells you not to go over his head. (funny quotes about midget)

______Apparently, 'keep it in your pants' is an inappropriate thing to say to a 9 month pregnant lady.  (sarcastic status update)

______I've never seen the movie "I Know What You Did Last Summer" I mean what's the big deal?  All I have to do is go on Facebook, and I know what everybody did last summer. (funny movie quotes)

______Years of putting my best foot forward has only served to give my other foot a complex :( (famous funny status update)

______I believe if there were 1,000 bathrooms in my home my wife would still need to be in the one I'm using..... (funny status about wife)

______Oh, smartphone.. you're so f**kin' silly. You know I didn't mean coco when I typed in cock. :) (great funny sarcastic quote)

______Sitting in my car in my pajamas waiting for the liquor store to open.... DONT JUDGE ME... I'm already judging myself ...... (Funny stupid status update)

______I may not know the meaning of self control but I do know it has gotten me into some interesting situations.  (funny self control quotes)

______Remember the times you could run through the sprinklers naked. My neighbor said now is not that time....So did the wife....and their kids...and the cops. oh, and youtube.....

______I'm trying to come up with a new title for my autobiography, because the publisher said "50 shades of Brown! sounds like Sh!t...  (funny quotes about 50 shades of gray)

______SO when Justin sings If I was your boyfriend, he's being hypothetical.. about being a boy  (funy quotes about Justin Bieber being Gay)

______I always turn my home A/C unit off at night because I love to wake up in a prehistoric swamp with giant ferns and flesh eating dinosaurs looming over me. (funny stupid quote)

______Hey you !! get a life. ~ Earth to other planets. (get a life quotes)

______i like a little bacon on my bacon on top of my bacon over bacon before i asked for bacon before i ever even said bacon .. yeah (funny bacon quotes)

______My idea of "Happy Feet" is when my feet are up by his ears. (famous funny quote)

______Fortune teller told me a needed a Psychologist. Psychologist told me I need a Hypnotist. Hypnotism told me I needed a fortune teller. So the Bartender told me I need to go home. I went home and .... (funny psycho quotes)

______It's pretty messed up on how my 6 year old kid can come up with better statuses than me, that little sh!t. (awesome status update)

______Did anyone watch the All Star game last night? The American League really took it on the chin....just like your mom.(Funny quote about American League)

______word to the wise....if u haven't seen your friend Jack in a while and u suddenly realize he is on the same flight as urs....NEVER and I say NEVER get surprised and shout out "HI JACK" (funny quotes about Jack)

______Finally got to make a couple posts today, haven't been posting much lately......I've noticed a few new people......well for all of you that don't know me.....I'm the guy that's totally awesome!!!  (Awesome status update)

______If at first you don't succeed, beat the piss out the son of a b!tch that held you back (if at first u don't succeed quotes)

______I was trying to fart in your beer. I don't care how it looked when you walked in. (funny fart quotes)

______See that big puffy cloud right there? It looks just like that load I shot on your moms back last night (yomama quotes)

______How bored I am seems to be directly linked to how many bars I'm currently kicked out of. (funny bar quotes)

______Holding' his stick while beating' his balls to relieve some stress... at the driving range. :) 

______No no honey you definitely heard me wrong. I definitely said beach. You are a cold heartless beach.....I would never call you a bitch. (Bitch please quotes)

______I'm dusting, mopping, cleaning, I don't understand why they call this housework, that house did not do any work at all. (great funny status update)

______I just ate two doughnuts. I'm pretty much an official cop now, right (funny quotes about cops)

______My dad always told me, No matter what you do, make sure you give it your all so I decided that I haven't been trying hard enough at this whole drinking thing....off to the bar. (funny bar quotes)

______Am I the only one who is sure that Dr. Seuss used "There's a wocket in my pocket" as a pickup line? (funny pickup lines)

______I do this little trick where i juggle 3 oranges, and punch you in the throat (funny trick)

______I'm not a celebrity, but I act like one. I drink too much, have crashed my car a few times, and have little to no self-respect. (funny quotes about celebrities)

______I just rubbed a magic lamp and a genie came out. Except it wasn't a magic lamp. And I need some tissues. (hilarious status update)

______I stand a chance of winning Mr Universe this year provided they are measuring by surface area. (funny quotes about Miss Universe)

______Our relationship was doomed ... she had a foot fetish, but all I could give her was nine inches. (funny relationship quotes)

______Monica Lewinsky turns 50 this week. If they don't put 50 d!*k candles on her cake to blow out, she's going to be disappointed. (funny quotes about Monica Lewinsky)

______Global warming will not kill us. It will just adjust the food chain so that every other animal dies and we resort to eating each other. That's where the zombie apocalypse comes in... (funny quotes about global warming)

______If I had to fight an alligator, I would fight to the very end. I would use every offensive and defensive tactic I had. Mainly shitting myself. That is offensive and defensive. (great hilarious witty status update)

______If this chick at Starbucks does not hurry up & make my Caramel Frappuccino... I swear, I'm going to be forced to stand here & wait for my Caramel Frappuccino... MOVE IT! (funny Caramel Frappuccino quotes)

______I can now proudly say I have a little weiner........dog that is, she's the cutest little thing!

______You know that thing you just did there...that made my eyes water... (witty status update)

______Wow, chicks and their make up, I just wanna write "Wash me" on their forehead! (funny chicks quotes)

______If the letters ORPN on your keyboard are worn out, you are doing it right. (sarcastic status update)


You May Also Like

32 Funny Quotes

33 Funny Quotes

34 Funny Quotes

60 Funny Quotes

_____ It took me exactly a day to realize.. i don't give a flying f*ck if i offend anyone.. unless i really like them..  (sarcastic quote)

______ Got my unicorn wasted last night and watched it puke rainbows... It was so disgustingly pretty! (funny unicorn quote)

______ Ok, let’s play a game. You ask me anything and I shoot you. (hilarious quote)

_____ Many people come to me and say How does it feel to be so f**king awesome?.. and by many people I mean me. :) (funny inspirational quote)

______ i had forgoten my cell phone at home.. The doctor diagnosed the symptoms as severe panic attack.. (funny cell quote)

______ My midget friend and I went out to dinner and he didn’t have enough to pay his half. I kept trying to make him say he was a little short but he just got mad (funny quote about midgets)

______ There's this one thing that I can do with my tongue, that drives women crazy.  I never stop TALKING. (Famous funny quote)

______Laughter is the best medicine but slaughter works faster (great funny quote)

______My favorite song is Giving The Dog A Bone by AC/DC. It is what I listen to when I bang your mom (yomama jokes)

______Wow this cash that someone put in the mail sure looks like mine. (funny quote about mails)

______I need a midget to help me add up these checks. Because they say "its the little things that count". (funny quotes about midget)

______Well just to let you know, I think women are hilarious. (This is how you get laid guys) (funny inspirational quote)

______I want to leave my mark on the world one bruise at a time. (funny moving quote)

______You know you are bored when you try to see a rainbow in your pee arc. (witty quote)

______I'm not gonna lie, I probably love my pillow more than most of the people I know.  (funny quotes about love)

______In case anyone was wondering...the vodka appears to be working fine this morning....which also means I am not. (funny quotes about vodka)

______I went to the used car lot today... and am now the proud owner of a huge inflatable giant f*cking gorilla! :) (funny quote about life)

______I love all you guys/gals equal.....but some of you definitely way more than others.......and some of you not at all..... (funny love quote)

______They probably call it 'making fun of people' because it actually really is a lot of fun.

______My hair is dirty ... My mind must be leaking. (dirty minded quotes)

______Feeling a little gasy today. Anyone wanna hang out? (funny hangout quotes)

_____My memory is so bad; that if you borrow my status, I will steal it from you, and ty for it ten minutes later.  (funny quote about bad memory)

______I've never seen a buffalo fly... but these wings are delicious! :)

______I'm not a team player.. everyone else can pretty much go f**k themselves. :) (sarcastic quote)

______When I'm in the shower, rinsing off my hair dye I sometimes act out scenes from a low budget slasher movie.... (funny shower quotes)

______My marriage is failing....... I'm a complete mess and I'm not even married ;-) (funny quotes about marriage)

______After all of these years of hardwork and dedication I am finally one of the guys!!!! .............. That f**ked your mom.  (yomama status)

______I always deliver profanity eloquently and using correct pronunciation, because I'm f**king sophisticated.  (funniest quote cheesy grammar)

______The posts those dont get any likes are like abandoned kids. They need some love.

______I only eat the shafts of my asparagus. 

______I don't get it. The police just came and said they had a report of domestic violins. That's just stupid....everybody knows I prefer brass instruments. (hilarious happening)

______You know you took a massive sh!t if you felt obligated to give it a name. (sarcastic quote)

______Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse...you came along. (funny quote about love)

______I call bullsh!t! When you love someone you love all of them, not just parts. F**k that.. I only love certain parts of some people.  (hilarious love quote)

______Every time I drink I get a headache. Every time my wife drinks I get head.Works for me

______If you've never written "Hammer Time" under the "STOP" on a stop sign, you probably haven't been arrested as often as me. 

(great funny quote,funny status)

______Loving you is like getting into heaven. I probably could, but God knows I won't. (famous funny quote about love)

______i always wonder how it feels like to date someone super awesome.. Hmm.. I should totally ask this to my ex-es.. They know better about me ;) (Awesome funniest quote ever)

______I can't wait to go to work!! Seriously... If I wait any longer, I'll probably be late. (funny quote about work)

______I just tripped over a huge crack on the sidewalk. I didn’t know your mom was homeless (funny quote about your mom)

______I'd just like to take a moment & apologize for my hotness causing all this global warming. (Funny Facebook status idea)

______I carry a baseball bat around and tap stupid people on the forehead with it. It is my dislike button. (funniest status ever)

______I'd like to carry a gun, but I don't because I'm sure I'd use it. Like every day. (sarcastic status)

______This pool party sucks. I was standing next to Mr T and the water got really warm. When I asked him he said I peed the pool (funny quote about Mr T)

______I feel like my decisions lately haven't been "hit or miss", they've been more like "miss or miss terribly"

______I met a girl at the bar last night and I tried to give her my digits but her panties kept getting in the way (funniest quote status about stalking)

______If you're ever in my room, lying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and you listen closely... you can hear me down the hall calling the cops to report an intruder. (funny inspiring status)

______Apparently, every cigarette you smoke takes eight minutes off your life. In a couple more weeks, I should be back in my dad's ball-sack.  (Awesome funny quote about smoking)

______Healthy is just the slowest rate at which you can die... (famous funny quote)

______I just got a second opinion... and I was right, your an a**hole. (the punchline)

______My strongest critics claim I've accomplished nothing in my life. Huh. I'd like to see them organise a 39-year-long drunken orgy. (funny quote about critics)

______As I get older I am having trouble with premature ejaculation and loose stools ... Easy come; easy go.  (hilarious facebook ideas)

______According to my news feed... you make going outside these days seem scary as f*ck! (the punchline quotes)

______My wife said, You’re really slow in bed...if ya know what I mean. Turns out she means Im a f*cking retard. (funny quotes about wife)

______The other day my girlfriend said she can do anything twice as well as me....so I donated one of my kidney (funny status about girlfriend)

______No, no I am not a doctor, but I play one on one of my facebook accounts. (funny quotes about doctor)

______If you weren't so damn selfish with the share button... we would find each other a lot faster. (the best funny pickup line)

______I lost my job because of this bad memory...actually I'm still employed...I just can't remember where. (funny quote about bad memory)

______Aww....a cute nurse said I have a beautiful smile.....making wedding plans as I post this status  (funny cutest status ever)

______I guess the easiest way to sympathize with an arson victim is NOT to ask them to burn you a CD. (funny quotes about arson victim)

You May Also Like

38 Funny Quotes
39 Funny Quotes
40 Funny Quotes