62 Funny Quotes

______I hope this doesn't make things 'weird ' between us, but sometimes I think of you, to get myself 'going'. (awesome status update)

______I hope fox news is the only media outlet to break the impending zombie apocalypse so all the libs get eaten first. (funny status update about zombie apocalypse)

______Who says there's nothing positive about a heroin addiction? I'll bet those bastards can open the hell out of a Capri Sun. (funny quote about Capri Sun)

______We all know that ONE person, whom we can rely on whenever we need them, who's got our backs, who would do anything for us no matter what......I am not that person.  (Famous funny status update)

______The awkward moment you tinkle on yourself a lil' bit (awkward moment quote)

______This razor/scissor/knife/axe/saw combo I invented is cutting edge 

______I'll scratch your back if you throw me down on mine.

______I knew I had this one in the bag the moment she told me that her favorite Duke Boy was Uncle Jesse. (funny quotes about Uncle Jesse)

______So, based on the new movie John Wilkes Booth was a vampire right? Just trying to help my son with his history paper. (funny quotes about John Wilkes)

______That weird moment when you realise you won't be able to pay your prostitute for her services. (the weird moment quote)

______Go ahead and lower your expectations. If you think I'm going to care, you're asking too much.  (famous funny quote)

______One of the best feelings in the world is the ''I'm sexy and I know it'' feeling......looks like some of you can't quite pull it off.... (funny quotes about LMFAO)

______how would you like your death to be as - look like an accident or a suicide?? I need to work on it accordingly :-D  (funny quote about death)

______Excuse me, you have something on you’re a**...... My eyes (great funny quote)

______My wife said she wanted me to be more romantic, so I am writing her a poem. What rhymes with threesome?  (funny quote about threesome)

______I am going to marry a man with lots of kids. I can use them as shields and decoys when fightings zombies. (funny update about zombies)

______I heard my new neighbor is from Hawaii. Everyone who visits gets 'laid. I am taking him some cookies right now (Funny quotes about Hawaii)

______Ladies, I am a sensitive guy, so when you wash my clothes for me use Tide ONLY....everything else irritates my skin. (funny status update)

______I am going to start a new company and name it 'None of your business' (sarcastic quote)

______I try to stay positive about my job. Like right now, I am positive that it is killing me.  (Funny optimistic quotes)

______Awkward moment when your midget colleague tells you not to go over his head. (funny quotes about midget)

______Apparently, 'keep it in your pants' is an inappropriate thing to say to a 9 month pregnant lady.  (sarcastic status update)

______I've never seen the movie "I Know What You Did Last Summer" I mean what's the big deal?  All I have to do is go on Facebook, and I know what everybody did last summer. (funny movie quotes)

______Years of putting my best foot forward has only served to give my other foot a complex :( (famous funny status update)

______I believe if there were 1,000 bathrooms in my home my wife would still need to be in the one I'm using..... (funny status about wife)

______Oh, smartphone.. you're so f**kin' silly. You know I didn't mean coco when I typed in cock. :) (great funny sarcastic quote)

______Sitting in my car in my pajamas waiting for the liquor store to open.... DONT JUDGE ME... I'm already judging myself ...... (Funny stupid status update)

______I may not know the meaning of self control but I do know it has gotten me into some interesting situations.  (funny self control quotes)

______Remember the times you could run through the sprinklers naked. My neighbor said now is not that time....So did the wife....and their kids...and the cops. oh, and youtube.....

______I'm trying to come up with a new title for my autobiography, because the publisher said "50 shades of Brown! sounds like Sh!t...  (funny quotes about 50 shades of gray)

______SO when Justin sings If I was your boyfriend, he's being hypothetical.. about being a boy  (funy quotes about Justin Bieber being Gay)

______I always turn my home A/C unit off at night because I love to wake up in a prehistoric swamp with giant ferns and flesh eating dinosaurs looming over me. (funny stupid quote)

______Hey you !! get a life. ~ Earth to other planets. (get a life quotes)

______i like a little bacon on my bacon on top of my bacon over bacon before i asked for bacon before i ever even said bacon .. yeah (funny bacon quotes)

______My idea of "Happy Feet" is when my feet are up by his ears. (famous funny quote)

______Fortune teller told me a needed a Psychologist. Psychologist told me I need a Hypnotist. Hypnotism told me I needed a fortune teller. So the Bartender told me I need to go home. I went home and .... (funny psycho quotes)

______It's pretty messed up on how my 6 year old kid can come up with better statuses than me, that little sh!t. (awesome status update)

______Did anyone watch the All Star game last night? The American League really took it on the chin....just like your mom.(Funny quote about American League)

______word to the wise....if u haven't seen your friend Jack in a while and u suddenly realize he is on the same flight as urs....NEVER and I say NEVER get surprised and shout out "HI JACK" (funny quotes about Jack)

______Finally got to make a couple posts today, haven't been posting much lately......I've noticed a few new people......well for all of you that don't know me.....I'm the guy that's totally awesome!!!  (Awesome status update)

______If at first you don't succeed, beat the piss out the son of a b!tch that held you back (if at first u don't succeed quotes)

______I was trying to fart in your beer. I don't care how it looked when you walked in. (funny fart quotes)

______See that big puffy cloud right there? It looks just like that load I shot on your moms back last night (yomama quotes)

______How bored I am seems to be directly linked to how many bars I'm currently kicked out of. (funny bar quotes)

______Holding' his stick while beating' his balls to relieve some stress... at the driving range. :) 

______No no honey you definitely heard me wrong. I definitely said beach. You are a cold heartless beach.....I would never call you a bitch. (Bitch please quotes)

______I'm dusting, mopping, cleaning, I don't understand why they call this housework, that house did not do any work at all. (great funny status update)

______I just ate two doughnuts. I'm pretty much an official cop now, right (funny quotes about cops)

______My dad always told me, No matter what you do, make sure you give it your all so I decided that I haven't been trying hard enough at this whole drinking thing....off to the bar. (funny bar quotes)

______Am I the only one who is sure that Dr. Seuss used "There's a wocket in my pocket" as a pickup line? (funny pickup lines)

______I do this little trick where i juggle 3 oranges, and punch you in the throat (funny trick)

______I'm not a celebrity, but I act like one. I drink too much, have crashed my car a few times, and have little to no self-respect. (funny quotes about celebrities)

______I just rubbed a magic lamp and a genie came out. Except it wasn't a magic lamp. And I need some tissues. (hilarious status update)

______I stand a chance of winning Mr Universe this year provided they are measuring by surface area. (funny quotes about Miss Universe)

______Our relationship was doomed ... she had a foot fetish, but all I could give her was nine inches. (funny relationship quotes)

______Monica Lewinsky turns 50 this week. If they don't put 50 d!*k candles on her cake to blow out, she's going to be disappointed. (funny quotes about Monica Lewinsky)

______Global warming will not kill us. It will just adjust the food chain so that every other animal dies and we resort to eating each other. That's where the zombie apocalypse comes in... (funny quotes about global warming)

______If I had to fight an alligator, I would fight to the very end. I would use every offensive and defensive tactic I had. Mainly shitting myself. That is offensive and defensive. (great hilarious witty status update)

______If this chick at Starbucks does not hurry up & make my Caramel Frappuccino... I swear, I'm going to be forced to stand here & wait for my Caramel Frappuccino... MOVE IT! (funny Caramel Frappuccino quotes)

______I can now proudly say I have a little weiner........dog that is, she's the cutest little thing!

______You know that thing you just did there...that made my eyes water... (witty status update)

______Wow, chicks and their make up, I just wanna write "Wash me" on their forehead! (funny chicks quotes)

______If the letters ORPN on your keyboard are worn out, you are doing it right. (sarcastic status update)


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32 Funny Quotes

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33 Funny Quotes

_____With the advance of modern technology like the computer, Internet websites like Facebook and Google have shown us a lot.  Shown us how many weird looking dumb f**kers are out there.
_____I know I just got back from my eye doctor appointment and all but look these are not artificial tears-- > :' (
_____Fat people drive fast because that's the Only time they can go fast! (fat people quote)
_____Wish some people would stop being useless and start being beer. (funny beer quote)
_____'love' comes from the heart.. But i suspect 'boobs' in front contribute a lot! ;-)
_____I think I've figured out why people think I've got a superiority complex. It's because I'm better than them
_____"Do not mess with me unless you are highly intelligent, which youre not, because if you were, youd know not to mess with me, which you are, so don't." - Me, three seconds before getting my ass kicked by someone not as easily confused as Id hoped.
_____You are dead to me!! ~ my speech statement whenever a guy friend gets married.. (funny marriage quote)
_____It's pretty ironic that everyone I see with a walker is a fan of tennis
_____I'm no Doctor, but I know Virginity can be cured.
_____I like the Valentines cards that say "Will you beer my Valentine" (funny valentine quote)
_____The day the music really died was the day someone thought Paris Hilton could sing. (funny Paris Hilton quote)
_____I can't wait for the timeline so I can figure out where I've been and what the Hell I've been doing for the last year!
_____I think I'm ready for a second career. My first career is unemployment (funny unemployment quote)
_____I never re post, first of all because I'm too lazy to copy and paste, secondly because I'm too busy flying my spy plane over your house in the hopes you'll say something witty and clever that I can use as a status.
_____Will Facebook allow me to use a naked picture as a cover for my timeline profile? I mean its all about art!! Also, its me in the nude (funny timeline cover quote status)
_____Lost my friend in the airport today, so I quickly took my phone logged on to Facebook and went to Find Friend...............thanks for nothing Mark! (funny Mark Zukerberg status joke)
_____Behind every great man, there's a woman who knows he occasionally likes to pee sitting down.
_____I stopped poking you 3 days ago. How long before this rash goes away? (funny poke quote status)
_____ATTENTION!!!! For your safety and well being I offer the following advice: Deeper, Harder, and Faster are NOT the best "safe words" to use!!!!!
_____Just so nobody felt left out, I "poked" your mom and sister too......
_____Tried to be an organ donor in high school...but the ladies said no.
_____It’s true! A picture is worth a thousand words. I saw this girl’s pic and I repeated "f**king ugly" 500 time
_____I went out this morning and got donuts for the kids but ate them all on the way back home....f**k them.
_____they say beauty is on the inside...well someone needs to turn my ugly wife inside out
_____Accidentally took an Ambien instead of a Claritin today. Should make for an interesting night at work. (funny drug quote)
_____if a girl gets 200 likes and 300 comments the only thing missing is her clothes
_____If you're contemplating suicide, call me, I can help.  I have guns, knives, axes, rope (funny suicide quote status)
_____I don't understand why people don't like me. I do everything I can to piss them off.
_____I was reading our local paper the other day....had a funny comment....there was no like button to hit...WITH!
_____Eight.... It took me eight tries to get the USB drive in the right hole. No wonder my girlfriend shouts at me so much.
_____Decided to try being as honest as possible with everyone today. So now I'm single, homeless, unemployed, banned from our local church, pub and supermarket, and on the run from the law. Best policy, my arse.
_____I may not be the sexiest woman out there but DAMMIT I'M FUNNY and I have big tits!
_____I hate it when I meet someone new and they say "don't worry, I don't bite", ya cause the first thing I think when I meet a person is "HOLY SHIT that bitch is gonna bite me"

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