42 Funny Quotes

_____If your lover makes you an option in their life instead of a priority, it's time to consider other options. (funny love quote)
_____I would give more homeless people money but I'm always worried he'll just go blow it on sharpies and cardboard to make signs. 
_____ Redneck word.              Artichoke. Boy, that was a stupid thing to do I artichoke the living, mess outta you.
_____The UK government has suggested re-using bath water in the current "drought" which I've done but my cup of tea tastes terrible.
_____Who says I am no good at this parenting crap. My girlfriend was complaining that her son was still wetting the bed, the electric blanket should take care of that after he shocks himself a time or two.
_____Whoever came up with the advertising slogan of "Have a happy period!" should have a happy face drawn on their forehead. With bullet holes. 
_____my wife says i always embarrass her out in public  i don’t act weird or anything  its jus that i m hideously ugly!!
_____I don't mean to brag ladies, but I'm pretty much amazing in bed.....I can sleep for hours._____I have a dream that one day, all women will be judged not by their beauty, but by their ability of sandwich making.
_____Can't give a compliment anymore.. all I said was "nice tits" to a coworker. If he's gonna get so offended, then he should button up his shirt.
_____am not gonna buy Samsung Galaxy SIII since its a bit thicker,slower and smaller than Galaxy S4. (funny samsung SIII quote)
_____It's not true that all I think about is myself. Sometimes I think about you thinking about me._____My coworkers thought is was so nice that I wanted to sign Ms. Knowitall's going away card.  "Good Riddance B!tch" kinda snapped 'em back to reality. :) 
_____Sometimes when you turn over a new leaf, you may realize it's been lying on a huge pile of dog shit.
_____The only way I could ever love you more is if you were me. (funny love quote status)_____My foot's about to become a huge part of your a**'s life
_____I told an off color joke at work, and my coworker called me a racist.....I wonder how he knew that I love marathons and biking?
_____If u couldn't tell by how I talk, or how I walk I'll go ahead and wear v neck t-shirt 3 sizes to small just to tip you off.  - Gay Dudes
_____I donated a kidney last week... OK it wasn't mine but still 
_____I was bored while taking a shit so I grabbed this shampoo bottle.. but the damn security at the supermarket threw me out before finishing it
_____I sat behind two girls who were complaining about shy guys and how much work it is to deal with them. I would've said something, but.....Yeah!!!
_____Nothing beats getting paid to do nothing.  (awesome funny quote)
_____Wow, eating Lucky Charms out of your "bowl"... really is magically delicious! ;)_____Sure I think you have great legs but honestly baby those are the first things I get out of my way. 
_____I had to break up with my Chinese Girlfriend, I never get satisfied. Every time I went down on her, I was hungry 30 minutes later.
_____my boyfriend thinks i do everything in extremes.. Shall i agree for a lesbian threesome or burn down his house.. I dont know!! :-/
_____Kind of person I have turned myself into I don't expect no likes on my posts. Unicorns don't.
_____My girlfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove her wrong?_____when she said, "I can drink you under the table!" I thought she was offering me a Bl0wj0b and that's why my pants are down, Officer.
_____I went to a theme park yesterday... the theme was h0rny single mothers
_____I don't always practice safe texts but when I do, I'm usually on public transit.
_____I don't commute to work, I pilot a fighter jet and the cruise and volume controls on my steering wheel are missile launchers.
_____I really need to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up because I'm 100% certain this job ain't it.
_____I fuggin hate these two types of people in the world 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words that aren't actually there.....2) Hippocrites. 
_____I've just ordered the personal number plate 'BAA BAA'....I'm sure it will look cool on my Black Jeep. 
_____With the present economy, bread and water is the new steak and wine. (funny economy quote)
_____When life gives me lemons I put my foot up its a**!
_____My rabbit died today... now its just "Some bunny i used to know"
_____I wish there was a way to notify the cars behind me that it's really not me, it's the a**hole in front of me!
_____My passive aggressive way of telling my co-workers to stop eating my food is putting up "missing" posters around our workplace with a picture of my sandwich on it..
_____OKIE.. I've stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer.. And another Facebook Night begins!
_____I have this condition which prevents me from going on a diet . . . I get hungry
_____I'm running for president... Write me in
_____I was talking to a chick in the bar last night. She said, "If you dressed better, got a shave and a hair cut, you'd look hot."  I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

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40 Funny Quotes

_____I don't wish to brag, but my cell phone has this function where you press a series of numbers and you can actually talk to someone on the other end in real time. (funny cell phone quote)
_____there should be an anti social network for half the people on my list that never post anything.
_____Ok so you went from being 'in a relationship' to being 'single'..I went from 'not giving a damn' to 'not giving a f**k'
_____There you are !!! We were just talking about you.... well, not about you specifically but about whores and hypocrisy. (funny whore hypocrisy quote)
_____are you trying to say that I'm not intelligent.....b!t*h...i went to the School of Hard knocks, University of Life (funny life quote)
_____I suppose one day I'll fall in love again, but I'm just too emotionally stable for that right now. (funny love quote)
_____Her... you have the biggest ego... Me... you misspelled c**k
_____When I'm high, I'll call some customer service number and choose the Spanish option just for the challenge
_____I punched my nieghbors kid in the face today and I told him to keep his goat out of my yard
_____My neighbor must of bought a donkey. She just sent me a text asking if I want to ride her a**
_____If you don't like my posts I have two words for you- WHY NOT?
_____Yes I got your friend request. I didn't see the "Whatever" button and "Confirm" didn't sound right (friend request quote status)
_____I know the exact button to push when I want my girl to disappear. The power button on my modem. Internet love affairs are the best! (funny affair quote)
_____I'd like to say something to all those girls who are madly in love with me, "Please start existing!" (funny love quote)
_____I was looking to buy some new sneakers last night and the guy at the shoe store asked if he could interest me in some running shoes. I laughed until I threw up then left.
_____If I like someone's status on Facebook, that's because I really really ......................................... want you to check out my status.
_____One of my favorite winter activities is wishing you were dead....sort of like all the rest of the seasons. (funny wish)
_____When your world is falling apart, when you need a friend, when it seems like things can't possibly get any worse, please remember....I don't give a f**k
_____What’s big round and hates you?  The world (funny hate status)
_____women buy so many shoes because they spend most of their time on their feet walking around the shops…buying shoes
_____Whenever I think life sucks, I look at yours and realize mine's not so bad. (funny life quote)
_____I put my pants on the same way all of you do. I'm just better at doing absolutely everything else
_____If you think I have nothing better to do than to sit around all day logged in to FB, then you are definitely my stalker
_____My mom use to beat me and my younger brother with a telephone.....I was always on the receiving end!
_____I always make sure to be able to live within my means..even If I had to borrow the money to do it (funny borrow quote)
_____‎"Life is test." and my grade is "F"
_____This beer diet sucks for losing weight... but if you wanna lose your job and your house... it's perfect!
_____I don't ask for much. But please, for the love of Christ, for my own personal well-being, and for the fact that you're annoying the f**king piss out of me.....please.....SHUT.THE.F**K.UP!
_____If I don't get a like within 10 minutes I check outside to see if the zombies have arrived (funny zombie quote)
_____You can really tell who your friends are by looking at your friends list
_____If you think my jokes are tasteless, kiss my a**. That will give them some flavor
_____I would like to apologize about my nacho status joke earlier....I know I'm cheddar than that. (funny nacho status)
_____Should I be worried that whenever someone actually says 'OMG!', I feel compelled to rip off their leg and beat them to death with the wet end?
_____I just got a text message saying that I won a $1,000.00 Walmart gift card. But since I have to actually go there to use it, I decided it wasn't worth claiming and I just hit "delete." (funny Walmart lotto quote status)
_____I hate it when i meaow at cats and they don't meow back. Thats just so rude -__-
_____Wow, I must have super powers, just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would, but..
_____I am hard of hearing, with my earphones plugged in.
_____Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 350 words. (funny inflation quote)
_____I honestly have a fear that one day I'll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
_____I was out shopping with my wife and she asked me to hold her purse.I told her no way in hell...it didn't match my shoes

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33 Funny Quotes

_____With the advance of modern technology like the computer, Internet websites like Facebook and Google have shown us a lot.  Shown us how many weird looking dumb f**kers are out there.
_____I know I just got back from my eye doctor appointment and all but look these are not artificial tears-- > :' (
_____Fat people drive fast because that's the Only time they can go fast! (fat people quote)
_____Wish some people would stop being useless and start being beer. (funny beer quote)
_____'love' comes from the heart.. But i suspect 'boobs' in front contribute a lot! ;-)
_____I think I've figured out why people think I've got a superiority complex. It's because I'm better than them
_____"Do not mess with me unless you are highly intelligent, which youre not, because if you were, youd know not to mess with me, which you are, so don't." - Me, three seconds before getting my ass kicked by someone not as easily confused as Id hoped.
_____You are dead to me!! ~ my speech statement whenever a guy friend gets married.. (funny marriage quote)
_____It's pretty ironic that everyone I see with a walker is a fan of tennis
_____I'm no Doctor, but I know Virginity can be cured.
_____I like the Valentines cards that say "Will you beer my Valentine" (funny valentine quote)
_____The day the music really died was the day someone thought Paris Hilton could sing. (funny Paris Hilton quote)
_____I can't wait for the timeline so I can figure out where I've been and what the Hell I've been doing for the last year!
_____I think I'm ready for a second career. My first career is unemployment (funny unemployment quote)
_____I never re post, first of all because I'm too lazy to copy and paste, secondly because I'm too busy flying my spy plane over your house in the hopes you'll say something witty and clever that I can use as a status.
_____Will Facebook allow me to use a naked picture as a cover for my timeline profile? I mean its all about art!! Also, its me in the nude (funny timeline cover quote status)
_____Lost my friend in the airport today, so I quickly took my phone logged on to Facebook and went to Find Friend...............thanks for nothing Mark! (funny Mark Zukerberg status joke)
_____Behind every great man, there's a woman who knows he occasionally likes to pee sitting down.
_____I stopped poking you 3 days ago. How long before this rash goes away? (funny poke quote status)
_____ATTENTION!!!! For your safety and well being I offer the following advice: Deeper, Harder, and Faster are NOT the best "safe words" to use!!!!!
_____Just so nobody felt left out, I "poked" your mom and sister too......
_____Tried to be an organ donor in high school...but the ladies said no.
_____It’s true! A picture is worth a thousand words. I saw this girl’s pic and I repeated "f**king ugly" 500 time
_____I went out this morning and got donuts for the kids but ate them all on the way back home....f**k them.
_____they say beauty is on the inside...well someone needs to turn my ugly wife inside out
_____Accidentally took an Ambien instead of a Claritin today. Should make for an interesting night at work. (funny drug quote)
_____if a girl gets 200 likes and 300 comments the only thing missing is her clothes
_____If you're contemplating suicide, call me, I can help.  I have guns, knives, axes, rope (funny suicide quote status)
_____I don't understand why people don't like me. I do everything I can to piss them off.
_____I was reading our local paper the other day....had a funny comment....there was no like button to hit...WITH!
_____Eight.... It took me eight tries to get the USB drive in the right hole. No wonder my girlfriend shouts at me so much.
_____Decided to try being as honest as possible with everyone today. So now I'm single, homeless, unemployed, banned from our local church, pub and supermarket, and on the run from the law. Best policy, my arse.
_____I may not be the sexiest woman out there but DAMMIT I'M FUNNY and I have big tits!
_____I hate it when I meet someone new and they say "don't worry, I don't bite", ya cause the first thing I think when I meet a person is "HOLY SHIT that bitch is gonna bite me"

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25 Funny Quotes

____To stay as my kids leading role model, I changed the covers of their "Superheros" comic books, to pics of ME with the title of, "below average and happy"
_____Life's all about knowing how long to wait before liking someone's new status so they don't find out that you're stalking them. (funny life  
quote)
_____I have way better statuses then all of you here... I'm just too selfish to share any of them with you (funny facebook status)
_____None of your statuses are original..they are just statuses I haven’t thought of yet (funny status)
_____I can't understand why some people take "I hope you die a horrible and painful death, you fat, ugly twat" so personally (hilarious quote)
_____They say my dear that "absence make the heart grow fonder"........so what I am trying to say is.....get the f**k away from me (funny quote)
_____My phone keeps saying "out of service area" when in my lap. It's starting to sound a LOT like my ex-girlfriend
_____Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was too busy imagining you sitting on my face
_____I wish I had tits so people would at least act like they give a shit about what I say.
_____I'm going to sit here and wink at you. It's going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story
_____I don't like to send friend requests to anyone unless we have 30 or more friends in common, so if you still receive a request from me, you've got tits
_____I just couldn't wait to get here for thanksgiving so I can hear what everyone will say about why they're thankful for me (funny thanksgiving quote)
_____asked the gf what she wants for her bday, she said "Something that comes from the heart"...I dont think Blood is a proper bday present though
_____always thought patience comes with age

went to a hospital and realised patients comes with age
_____ It’s so cold I can’t even feel my penis…. Oh sorry dude I thought that was mine (funny cold quote)
_____ I am optimist.. you guys are half full of shit (funny optimist quote)
_____ It’s not easy being that humble when you have no flaws
_____ If I could just make one thing very clear at this point..................................... I would.
_____ ‎98% of all problems can be fixed with the common household hammer
_____ I can't believe I just spent 15 seconds of my life writing this useless status. Worse yet is the fact that I spend hours reading YOURS
_____ Sometimes when I’m having dinner I fantasize about other dinners
_____ Seriously I’ve been on facebook for quite a time and I’ve seen everything at least twice..even this status (funny status)
_____ My therapist told me that I have an ego problem…. oh yeah she wants me
_____ I'm not a hypocrite, I just want to punch people in the face so they don't make the same mistakes that I did
_____ I have huge balls - A bowler. (funny cricket quote)

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21 Funny Quotes

____The probability of me having a Good Night is equal to the probability of you wishing me a Good Night.. (funny quote)
_____I don't care to date the most beautiful woman in the world.. I want the woman who makes the world the most beautiful to me (top funny quote, short joke)
_____‎3 Advice for Life

1- never be afraid to say what's on your mind

2- never be afraid to do what's on your mind

3- never take life advices from a facebook status .............. (funny status)
_____I want you to sensually harass me......... (best funny quote, status)
_____I'm nothing like a cat... I have 5 facebook accounts but no life     (funny Facebook status)
_____It would be great that before going to bed life asks us if we want to save the changes.... (funny life quote, status , joke)
_____I made many mistakes in my life recently..If you don’t hear from me soon... you are one of them (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____Just got some awesome wheels for the car! Gas is to high to drive it but I can only imagine how cool I'm gonna look when I push it to town. (Funny gas quote, status, joke)
_____I Always make sure to click like on my pics and statuses... I also enjoy a great self high five. (funny high five quote, status)
_____I have to go to court for stalking pretty girls like you - pick up line I will never use again..... (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____If I'm in a bar and a girl asks me where the bathroom is, I just point to my face and wink at them. (funny bar status, short joke)
_____It's physically impossible to be a sack of shit and a piece of shit at the same time. One must always choose wisely. (funny shit quote,status, joke)
_____Today I am thankful for involuntary hospitalizations and psychiatric nurses with no professional boundaries... (funny medical joke, quote, status)
_____Someone once asked me what I thought of apathy, I told them I don't much care for it. (funny apathy quote, status, joke)
_____I'm going to start carrying around a note book shaped like an eye. I've always wanted an Eye Pad.. (funny iPad quote , status)
_____I'm a gentleman. I'll file the restraining order myself.. (funny quote, hilarious status)
_____Girl at the grocery asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I replied "I don't care, I'm bisacktual". (witty quote)
_____girls don't listen to me, which is really frustrating when I'm trying to tell one that we're meant for each other. (best funny quote, witty status, short joke)
_____When my ex left me, she had a lot of junk in the trunk......it was all mine and now I don't have a trunk :( (funny ex quote, hilarious 
status)
_____  If you can't read my misspelled jokes and incorrect punctuated statements then too bad ....I'm still laughing. (funny status, joke)
_____My sense of humor is bein' shaped by people I never have to meet.. I wouldn't have it any other way. (funny quote status)

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19 Funny Quotes

____A mind is a terrible thing to waste. A dirty mind is terrible thing to hide :D (funny mind quote, hilarious quote, funny status)
_____I guess the biggest reason why every other driver out there pisses me off so much is that I am the best driver in the world. (funny driver quote, funny quote, funny status)
_____I wish I could Google anything. I'd search "WHERE THE HELL IS MY I POD?" and it would be like "UNDER THE COUCH YOU DUMB A$$" (hilarious quote, funny Google quote, funny iPod quote)
_____‎"My pen ran out".........."Well go on, you better chase after it.. (best funny quote, top funny quote, joke)
_____I know my profile pic/avatar makes me look like a douchebag a**hole. That's intentional. (hilarious funny quote, funny avatar quote)
_____Its amazing how traffic splits when you're firing your weapon out the window. (top funny quote, best funny quote, funny status)
_____Dear girls who are in a 'complicated relationship. Cut that shit out and be with me (funny relationship quote, funny status, joke)
_____I just read somewhere that smoking pot causes amnesia and some other things I can’t seem to remember. (funny amnesia quote, funny status, joke)
_____If you really want to impress them at your job interview. Give them the sense of importance when they are talking to you and finish all of your sentences with "or some shit like that". (funny shit quote, status , joke)
_____Life shouldn't be about seeking other peoples acceptance and approval! Don't you agree?...DON"T YOU? (funny life quote, top funny quote, funny status)
_____Ever have a day when you wake up and just wanna punch something?..........My brother hates those days... (funny daily quote, funny status, short joke)
_____someone called me old fashioned from a rotary phone.......... eh talking about me duh ..... (funny rotary quote, best funny quote, funny fashion quote)
_____I never question authority because it's quite clear that they don't have a freaking clue. (funny authority quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____If you've ever blamed your attitude on your zodiac sign.. then it's written in the stars for you to step in front of a moving  train. (funny attitude quote, funny zodiac quote, funny star quote)
_____My toilet is half full............................... optimistic plumber (top most funny quote, funny toilet quote, best funny quote)
_____I experimented with drugs so much that my hypothesis of why.. eventually had an outcome of why not. (funny drugs quote, funny status, joke)
_____People who believe that children are our future should also know that some of them are already pregnant and will soon have children of their future. (funny children quote, funny future quote, joke)
_____I love sitting on my couch and playing scrabble....and by "scrabble" I mean "with myself."  (funny scrabble quote, top funny status)
_____Everyone doesn't copy paste status' you know..... some just reads carefully, then types it in. (funny status, best funny status, funny quote)

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____Son, cleavage is like the Sun, you can see it but you cant stare at it. (hilarious funny quote, witty quote, witty status)
_____ the power of the lottery....it actually gives people hope... that is more powerful than the president. (funny president quote, funny daily quote, funny lottery quotes)
_____When you try the "pull my finger" joke with security agents at the airport, they pull the "this guy needs a full cavity search" joke. (funny security joke, funny status)
_____If any of you are stalking me, can you please tell me where I LEFT MY F**KING KEYS? (funny status, hilarious status)
_____One night does not a relationship make..so get out and stop talking about a connection. We connected last night, and the connection broke after the second coming. (funny Facebook status, witty status)
_____Here in Mississippi  we say “here in Mississippi” a lot (funny Mississippi quote)
_____Walks on the wrong side of the road just so i can see what hit me. (funny quote, Stupid funny quote, crazy funny quote)
_____The world needs dirty talking telemarketers. (funny telemarketer quote, joke)
_____What about a shoulder tattoo that says: 'legs go Here' (funny tattoo quote)
_____I once killed somebody with kindness. It was an accident, I swear! (funny quote, awesome funny quote)
_____This day has REALLY tested my patience, and when I say "tested my patience", what I'm trying to say is SOMEONE FIX ME A DRINK. (funny patience quote, funny drink quote joke)
_____Massage oils & candles may aid "the mood", but open flame & oil can also lead to burnt pubic hair which apparently kills "the mood" (funny massage quote, stupid funny status)
_____If this church service goes much longer, I'm totally shattering my Angry Birds record! (funny church quote, funny angry bird status)
_____I am not looking for queen of my heart right now, just a girl in clear heels who likes to do naughty things. (funny heart quote, funny love quote)
_____If you're looking for someone with absolutely nothing to offer, well....I'm your man. (funny quote, funny status)
_____Today the world's most hardest question came to my mind...Should I feel sorry for the people that know me or the people that don't? (best funny quote, funny world quote)

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____I wonder why actors can’t act clean and sober? (funny quote, quote about actors)
_____I am really sick of thinking and worrying so from now on I shall be mostly drinking and forgetting (funny quote, drinking quote)
_____I really need to workout tomorrow, but then again, so do you. Look at yourself. (funny quote, witty quote, hilarious quote)
_____‎'hold it together'! - me talking to my zipper on my pants (funny quote, funny status)
_____You should like this status because all your wildest dreams will come true. (funny status, funny quote about status)
_____I don't mean to sound easy but, please use me whenever you want. ........Sincerely, ............................punctuation (funny quote about punctuation, top funny quote)
_____Lost a lot of faith in humanity tonight...........Someone got offended from my post. We're doomed. (funny status, funny quote)
_____If at first you don't succeed then your a failure....go stand in the corner loser. (funny quote, hilarious quote, witty quote)
_____It’s so weird how your voice controls my middle finger. (funny quote about middle finger, witty quote)
_____I saw a sign on the way to the shop today it said, "Draw Bridge A Head"...I didn't have a pencil...so I kept driving. (funny quote of the day, top funny quote, awesome funny quote, happiness quote)
_____Don't hate me becose I'm gorgeous....hate me cuz I sit around in my underwear on the computer all day and lie about how gorgeous I am.  (top funny quote, best funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____Making people scratch their head and say "what the hell", just another service I provide. (funny quote, funny quote about employment, crazy quote)
_____Anybody has some statuses I can borrow?? I want to feel how to be lame. (funny status, funny quote)
_____Remember: There's only one you, and for some of you, I thank GAWD that's true. (funny quote, daily funny quote, funny status)

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