_____My friends are like a box of Cracker Jacks. The nuts are my favorite
_____Holy shit, John Travolta? No wonder why you're such an awesome dancer. (funny John Travolta quote status)
_____Sometimes I talk to myself and laugh because I'm just that hilarious (hilarious quote)
_____i dont get it - females these days are becoming teen moms or they maintain themselves too well.. !! :-/
_____Totally forgot that there is no auto correct when hand writing, doubt the boss is going to like my report!!
_____Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop. Though I prefer acid....
_____I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me...moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'.
_____They say you should never go to bed angry. But then they say if you have a problem, you should sleep on it, so how does that work?
_____I don't care if you know what I did last summer, just tell me what the hell I did last night!!
_____The best thing to do to look Happy is to make everyone around you look miserable.. Magic
_____I like my boss like I like my alcohol…Shot
_____it's so pathetic that we have to work for money to buy important stuff that we need to survive.. i wish barter system would still work... cuz i can offer to perform a snake dance for some beer... :-)
_____I would never sell my soul to the Devil. But I'm pretty open to leasing it to him.
_____This bed is far too comfy to get out of to pee... ahhh.... I feel better (lazy quote)
_____either be mine.. Or you shall not see the sunshine.. ~ romantic talk with the guy in the basement ;-)
_____When I told you I liked you better au naturale I didn't mean without makeup.. I meant without clothes.. so umm... Not to sound rude but before the latter could you perhaps fix the former? yeah... Ill miss her.
_____Men. I have all secrets on how to woo a woman. Rule 1. Stop trying to woo more than one at a time.
_____It's a shame I don't have a reflection in the mirror because I'm so pretty.
_____Great. If gays can get married they won't have time to plan straight weddings.
_____an eye infection due to sperm in the eye is cumjunctivitis
_____sometimes I hear a voice telling me to stop drinking. Found out during an ultrasound, it was my liver.
_____your face isn't anything a bottle of tequila cant fix
_____I might find my soulmate if I actually had a soul
_____When I post a status and get only two "likes", it really pisses me off to have a friend steal it and get 20. I think I need a better class of friends!
_____Sarah jessica parker was so cute when she was only a pony (funny Sarah Jessica Parker quote status joke)
_____I always do what makes me happy..........whether its right or wrong............or legal
_____It may be the alcohol talking, but you are sexy as hell!!. Wait, yup, its the alcohol
_____I guess haha you clutz! was an insensitive response to my friends story about how he lost his leg.
_____If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces........ they always seem to attract trouble
_____Sometimes, I like to go to T.G.I. Fridays on Sunday and get sh*t faced... just to prove that us real drunks still exist.
_____I carry redbox movies in my purse for weeks...thug life
_____I would make a post about having a drink but I don't drink so screw you! (that's the alcohol talking)
_____I am so clever sometimes........ Just wish other people were around when I am..
_____I suck at saying goodbyes...thus is why I stalk
_____I cant make you love me, but I can sure as hell test the restrictions on that restraining order.
_____I wish they would make, "faces of death" where you could choose the face.
_____I met a beautiful girl last night. She was quite a squirter. So what if she was squirting pepper spray. It still counts
_____I must taste freakin' awesome! My dog wont stop licking me!
_____ Be careful what you wish for. One time I was going on a date and I wished that she would want to have kiss. She did want to...just not with me
_____Better late than never................ Period probably.
_____If you don't like peeing alone, get a dog.
_____You can't put a value on a human life, but my wife's life insurance company made a pretty fair offer.
_____The doctor told me that I should watch my waist line, so I put it out where I could keep an eye on it. (funny Doctor quote status)
_____Don't be silly, of course I don't hate you,if I hated you, I wouldn't make fun of you.....
_____I got a tattoo of the Facebook logo on my arm and now my arm doesn't work....
_____My grandpa is insisting on buying a guitar.. I think he's gonna start a new genre of music.. "near death metal"
_____i only work so i can earn money.. Money for all my bills.. Like beer, joints, friends, pizza and gadgets... Am i forgetting anything..??
_____My doctor tries so hard to be hip. I was being examined for a bad case of compacted fecal matter in my colon, and as he looked at the results he proclaimed that shit is tight! (funny doctor status joke)
_____Useless scientists !! They say smoking weed causes short term memory loss......next they will be saying that smoking weed causes short term memory loss ...
_____I will always be nice to you but only because you have pictures of me naked.. O_O
_____a school teacher is always drunk..so we call her high school teacher
You May Also Like
66 Funny Quotes
67 Funny Quotes
68 Funny Quotes
You May Also Like
66 Funny Quotes
67 Funny Quotes
68 Funny Quotes
