75 Funny Quotes

_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.  (funny women quotes)

_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed.  (funny inspirational quote)

_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire.  (funny love quotes)

_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar sh!t-monster peppered with motherf**king profanity?  (best funny quotes status ever)

_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (funny heart quotes)

_______I'm well known for my ability to not finish the things that I begin. In fact, I'm so good th  (funny ability status)

_______"What's the worst that could happen?" - What I'm guessing my last words will be (funny last words)
_______I am not trying to save the planet but could you please use less hot water when you shower? The steam is fogging up the lens of the camera I installed  (funny stalker)

_______The first time I met you, I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my money with.  (funny loving quote)

_______They say you need to intake lots of water to stay alive but the body floating in my pool disagrees (funny sci-fi quotes)

_______Bet you can't guess what I'm doing tonight. Here's a hint... it begins with G and ends with 'ettingcompletelyfuckingwasted'.  (funny bored quotes)

_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy but lets go drinking its black Friday baby (funny black Friday quotes)

_______My internet's been down for over 10 hours now. But on the plus side, I've just discovered my right hand can be used as a cup holder. (internet addiction quote)

_______STRESS: The inner conflict that occurs when the "voice of reason" over-rides urgent desire of wanting to strangle the living sh!t out of some a**hole who desperately needs it! (funny stress quotes)

_______My boss called me Stupid this morning. I gotta say, I was a little insulted. Been working for the man for 3 years and he still doesn't know my name (funny boss insulting quote)

_______One more time you call me a freak, and I'll take my gun out, and stab you with my knife till you choke out 'cause of the rope around your neck and eventually get drowned in pool. (freaking quote)

_______To help reduce cost this quote was typed in China  (made in china quote)

_______I don't charge you to read my statuses so feel FREE to like them

_______After not being able to sleep at very well at night I am thankful for my naps at work (work nap quote status)

_______Was thinking about shoving a beer can up a chicken's a** but that's a waste of beer.

_______You say you hate the way you look. After viewing the 683 photos you posted of your face so do I (sarcastic quote)

_______I have been called a lot of things in my life but a nice guy isn't one of them (life facts quote)

_______I sure would like to know who that mysterious photographer is that keeps taken pictures of people holding their phones up by their face. (funny self photographer quote)

_______The duration of my bowel movement is based on how interesting my news feed is (funny newsfeed quote)

_______Just for the record, each and every Quote I post here is my own original. Which should explain why they're not funny.

_______Whoever quoted,  'Never say never', said it twice in a sentence. (never say never quote)

_______That's the last time I got caught sleeping with a girl...I'm never gonna attend History class ever. (funny history quote status)

_______Kids are lucky these days.... Back when I was a kid, I had to walk to a girls house to "poke" her!  (funny poke quote)

_______‎Objection! Thats allegedly killed the cat your honor ~ Curiositys lawyer (curiosity killed the cat quote)

_______Yes, I exercise...I exercise my right not to exercise. (exercise quote)

_______Ate too many apples and now I can't find a doctor.

_______I'm like a hero or something. I disarmed a gunman today...well it was my nephew, and it was a water gun, and why the hell is he crying, doesn't he know I"m a hero?

_______You must have missed mentioning it on your 'about me' section, that you are an a**hole. (sarcastic insulting quote)

_______Just for the record - When in court accused of indecent exposure, 'There's no business like show business' is not considered to be a suitable line of defense. (funny self defense quote)

_______I really want to ask this girl that I like on a date but I am afraid that if I crawl out from under her bed I will scare her (stalker status)

_______So I connected a New mouse in my computer today and it said "Found Human interface". No you Idiot... IT'S A MOUSE!!! (funny tech quotes)

_______For those who are dyslexic, today is Friday the 13th (dyslexic quotes)

_______Ok I am confused. The girl at the end of the bar only has one eye and I can't tell if she is winking and blinking (confused quotes)

_______For now on...whenever any of my friends invite me to their kids B-Day parties, I'm going to gift wrap empty boxes, cuz I know for damn sure they're not teaching them about life's disappointments! (funny birthday status)

_______When it come to exercise, the only running I do lately is running out of money. Doesn't make my gut disappear but my bank account looks smaller. (funny money shortage quote status)

_______As I get older, the longer I look at what I drop and wonder if it's worth bending over to pick up.......Anyways......my wife is pissed!  (pissed quotes)

_______Sometimes I feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something. (fat  quotes)

_______She posted her status "Life is a bitch"...I commented "You're my Life" (life quotes)

_______Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.  (hangover quotes)

_______You'd be prettier if you grew your hair really long and wrapped it over your face several times and hung yourself with it (sarcastic insulting punchline)

_______A guy can drop his pants and show his junk, people will just walk away fast, but when a woman pulls up her skirt and shows her stuff....people will stand and stare. (double standard quote)

_______Everything was better in the good old days. For example, 5 days ago, it was Friday (friday quote)

_______I just realized it's not a good idea to sneeze when facing directly in front of a fan, while it's on high. That is all (funny sneezing idea)

_______My one regret is that I never learned how to fly a plane, but I can live with that. Just as long as my passengers on this Boeing 787 never find out.  (funny regret quote)

_______ went from 'being in a relationship' to 'stopped believing in imaginary girlfriends' (imaginary girlfriend quote)

_______As soon as find this Wisdom person... I'm going to give them some words of my own! (funny words of wisdom)

_______Hey people that say "Just saying", you should probably stop that... just saying. 

_______I've finally met a lady that "tugs on my heart strings". But I've decided not to tell the heart surgeon this....until she sews me up! (funny heart quotes)

_______My Girlfriend wouldn't go hiking with me because she doesn't exist (funny girlfriend quote)

_______Restaurant said "No sleeveless shirts". I have the right to bare arms.

_______If falling asleep at work is wrong.....I don't wanna be caught. (funny nap at work quote)

_______Some days I sit around and think about how great it would be to be married again...and then I laugh and laugh and laugh because I'm such a kidder.

_______I sneeze a lot just to find out which of my friends are religious. 

_______I dont care what women say,size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around (best funny quote)

_______Unfortunately I think I've reached a point in my life where the word "frisky" only refers to my cat's food :(

_______Wish they made glad press n seal for lips so i could make you stfu! (STFU quotes)

_______"you make me feel like a wrestler. Can I body slam you?" is not a good pick up line. (funny pickup line)

_______I was talking to this girl at the beach today. She asked me if I was the type of person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Hello...I have no shirt on. What sleeves...don't be stupid.  (funny heart status)

_______OK I have made plenty so I could probably be a millionaire if I could just find these people that wanna "pay for your mistakes." (funny mistake quotes)

_______Finally I joined a Gym..its a page on Facebook..I feel so fit n fine. (funny facebook status)

_______I saw this woman staring me down in the supermarket today!!! I don't know if she was attracted to me or just amazed by how ugly I am!  (funny confusion )

_______I hate when people think they're better than other people. I never do that. I'm better than those people. (superiority complex quote)

52 Funny Quotes

_____I don't like it when my wife calls me names..........she knows my name is --------..but for some reason 'names' is what she prefers to call me!!!!

_____ i really like my men as i like my pets... alive and begging to be released... :))

_____If you will give an elderly rabbit a viagra, he will die....didn't you hear that saying 'Old rabbit die hard' (funny viagra quotes)

_____I liked my dad's wife a lot more back when she was just my mom's best friend... 

_____with all these comebacks i am coming up with.. my mood is getting better and better.. obviously yours is going bad to worst..

_____i go for 1/2 hour yoga session.. And sleep 3 hours after coming home.. Cuz you know my body needs resting (funny yoga quote)

_____I don't ever want any of you to take offense at me asking you to kiss my butt, It's all tongue in cheek fun

_____No one cares about your problems. Take your clothes off

_____I wish I was still a baby sometimes cause my widdle fist would fit right into someone eye socket and plus I could get away with punching people.

_____My girlfriend says she wants to start seeing other people....................reasonable enough.....considering how long she's been locked up in my basement!!!!

_____i am not always correct......but when i am not..... o am still f**king right!!!!

_____When the f**k are they gonna figure out how to fax a beer.:/

_____I kill mosquitoes with my bare hands... So yeah, I'm gang ready.

_____I can honestly say, I have no desire to wear clothes around you.

_____I love how my car goes from 0 to 60 in 2.5 minutes.

_____I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat (funny tyre quote)

_____Whenever I'm at work I like to stay on facebook all day just to see all of my friends who are wasting time (funny Facebook status)

_____I accidentally dropped my ink pen in the toilet today..darn thing writes like absolute crap now.

_____Hit a skateboarder with my truck, he was ok, then read his shirt "Skate or Die"... So I backed over him!

_____Use other people's stuff carefully, especially when they don't know that u're using it.

_____Facebook android app is slower then shit...takes 17 mins to see a lame ass photo of food that was posted 2 hrs ago. Epic fail. (funny android quote)

_____most times i find it is my sober activity that is highly inappropriate.

_____I just opened my credit card bill and everything around me died.

_____I hope this cop don't pistol whip me sober... I've worked to hard to get this drunk and steal his car.

_____Her Brown Eye has tunnel vision........ ;-)

_____I never got beat as a child. The hell is still in me.

_____It would be nice if once in a while Alex Trebek overrode the time clock and just read the final clue....

_____I don't understand these "Slow Children" signs.......If they're really slow, I'll see them coming with plenty of time to react!!!...

_____The girl I met at the bar must of been a magician because when she texted me that she was pregnant I disappeared (funny magician quote)

_____I leave all the tough decisions in life up to my magic 8 ball and the answer is always Stop doing so much cocaine

_____It's raining/snowing/sun shining.......I can't wait to update my status and alert all my friends who don't have any windows! (funny status)

_____I wake up people in the wee hours of the morning so I can flip them the early bird.

_____My feet are killing me from wearing these stripper heels all day . And I'm not even a stripper !!........Respect. (short joke pun)

_____It doesnt matter if the glass is half empty or half full as long as Lupita washes it when I am done using it

_____Sometimes I wonder how many awesome prizes I've missed out on winning simply because I'm too lazy to enter the code under the Coca-Cola bottle cap.

_____Having romance and tellin your friend over the phone that you're in the middle of something isn't totally a lie (funny romantic quote)

_____This status was constipated until everyone liked the shit out of it

_____i cant believe people are so always pretending to be someone else.. Have i ever go ahead and claimed to be superman?? Noh.. Coz i am Batman..!! (funny batman quote)

_____For people I don't really love: <NO3

_____I went to town on those beautiful breasts and magnificent thighs, now what shall I do with this greasy box? - me after a 5 piece chicken dinner from KFC (funny KFC quote)

_____That awkward moment when you spent hours trying to remember that one good joke to tell your friends... and you punch up the mess line!

_____I tried to rob a train old school, but they didn't have any money, so I shot the horse... Now I don't have any money, and I'm stuck with a horse with a gun shot wound. :(

_____Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so.

_____After all the times people have said I was boring it's nice to hear today that the police have classified me as a person of interest.

_____I think it's fair enough to say that 1 out of one hundred eye drops landed in my eye at one time.

_____I just got a request from my son who doesnt know this is me. Hope he likes my jokes about banging his mom

_____i get many pokes a day... But yours' is always special... ; )

_____I am working on a Bruno Mars parody. Here is a sample. I want to be a billionaire so freaking bad. I'll bang your mom and you can call me dad. Pretty good so far right? (funny Bruno Mars quote)

_____I'm logging out.... then, I'll wipe and flush. No worries, I'll keep FB open, during the process.

_____Ok no more jokes tonite about your mom. I have to take a shower before she gets here (your mom quotes)

_____Next time you get mad at your mom inbox me her address. (your mom quotes)

_____Just got back from my High School reunion... I celebrated by staying home, getting drunk and burning my yearbook page by page! (funny reunion quote)

_____I wish everything in life was as easy as your mom (your mom quotes)

_____The other day, I helped my neighbor clean his yard, I took all his split wood and burned it for him

_____Bad news, the vicar of my local church died today of Organ Failure, half way through the Sunday service the organ fell on him (funny organ)

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49 Funny Quotes

_____My friends are like a box of Cracker Jacks. The nuts are my favorite

_____Holy shit, John Travolta? No wonder why you're such an awesome dancer. (funny John Travolta quote status)

_____Sometimes I talk to myself and laugh because I'm just that hilarious (hilarious quote)

_____i dont get it - females these days are becoming teen moms or they maintain themselves too well.. !! :-/

_____Totally forgot that there is no auto correct when hand writing, doubt the boss is going to like my report!!

_____Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop. Though I prefer acid....

_____I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me...moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'.

_____They say you should never go to bed angry. But then they say if you have a problem, you should sleep on it, so how does that work?

_____I don't care if you know what I did last summer, just tell me what the hell I did last night!!

_____The best thing to do to look Happy is to make everyone around you look miserable.. Magic

_____I like my boss like I like my alcohol…Shot

_____it's so pathetic that we have to work for money to buy important stuff that we need to survive.. i wish barter system would still work... cuz i can offer to perform a snake dance for some beer... :-)

_____I would never sell my soul to the Devil. But I'm pretty open to leasing it to him.

_____This bed is far too comfy to get out of to pee... ahhh.... I feel better (lazy quote)

_____either be mine.. Or you shall not see the sunshine.. ~ romantic talk with the guy in the basement ;-)

_____When I told you I liked you better au naturale I didn't mean without makeup.. I meant without clothes.. so umm... Not to sound rude but before the latter could you perhaps fix the former? yeah... Ill miss her.

_____Men. I have all secrets on how to woo a woman. Rule 1. Stop trying to woo more than one at a time.

_____It's a shame I don't have a reflection in the mirror because I'm so pretty.

_____Great. If gays can get married they won't have time to plan straight weddings.

_____an eye infection due to sperm in the eye is cumjunctivitis

_____sometimes I hear a voice telling me to stop drinking. Found out during an ultrasound, it was my liver.

_____your face isn't anything a bottle of tequila cant fix

_____I might find my soulmate if I actually had a soul

_____When I post a status and get only two "likes", it really pisses me off to have a friend steal it and get 20. I think I need a better class of friends!

_____Sarah jessica parker was so cute when she was only a pony (funny Sarah Jessica Parker quote status joke)

_____I always do what makes me happy..........whether its right or wrong............or legal

_____It may be the alcohol talking, but you are sexy as hell!!. Wait, yup, its the alcohol

_____I guess haha you clutz! was an insensitive response to my friends story about how he lost his leg.

_____If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces........ they always seem to attract trouble

_____Sometimes, I like to go to T.G.I. Fridays on Sunday and get sh*t faced... just to prove that us real drunks still exist.

_____I carry redbox movies in my purse for weeks...thug life

_____I would make a post about having a drink but I don't drink so screw you! (that's the alcohol talking)

_____I am so clever sometimes........ Just wish other people were around when I am..

_____I suck at saying goodbyes...thus is why I stalk

_____I cant make you love me, but I can sure as hell test the restrictions on that restraining order.

_____I wish they would make, "faces of death" where you could choose the face.

_____I met a beautiful girl last night. She was quite a squirter. So what if she was squirting pepper spray. It still counts

_____I must taste freakin' awesome! My dog wont stop licking me!

_____ Be careful what you wish for. One time I was going on a date and I wished that she would want to have kiss. She did want to...just not with me

_____Better late than never................ Period probably.

_____If you don't like peeing alone, get a dog.

_____You can't put a value on a human life, but my wife's life insurance company made a pretty fair offer.

_____The doctor told me that I should watch my waist line, so I put it out where I could keep an eye on it. (funny Doctor quote status)

_____Don't be silly, of course I don't hate you,if I hated you, I wouldn't make fun of you.....

_____I got a tattoo of the Facebook logo on my arm and now my arm doesn't work....

_____My grandpa is insisting on buying a guitar.. I think he's gonna start a new genre of music.. "near death metal"

_____i only work so i can earn money.. Money for all my bills.. Like beer, joints, friends, pizza and gadgets...  Am i forgetting anything..??

_____My doctor tries so hard to be hip. I was being examined for a bad case of compacted fecal matter in my colon, and as he looked at the results he proclaimed that shit is tight! (funny doctor status joke)

_____Useless scientists !! They say smoking weed causes short term memory loss......next they will be saying that smoking weed causes short term memory loss ...

_____I will always be nice to you but only because you have pictures of me naked.. O_O

_____a school teacher is always drunk..so we call her high school teacher

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41 Funny Quotes

_____I'm very good at graphic design and calligraphy, and I have certificates in biochemistry, biology, quantum physics, math and rocket science to prove it.
_____They say: "the freaks come out at night". This is why I stay indoors until it's dark. I don't want to screw up the eco-system. (freaking quote)
_____Please let me know if and how, I offended you in any of my postings. It makes it a lot easier to target those weaknesses for up-coming posts
_____It's stupid how some people break into a song out of nowhere, I swear sometimes it's like I waited my whole life for this one night, Its gonna be me you and the dancefloor.
_____If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, then give me a call. I'll reaffirm that for ya
_____Sometimes I feel guilty if there is a comment on a status that has no likes while the rest of the comments have several. So...if I like your comment and nobody else does...it's more than likely a 'sympathy like'.
_____I hate to say I told you so, because I have a lisp and it sounds stupid.
_____You know, when I'll have children I'm gonna force them to watch the movie 2012 and tell them I fuggin survived this whole movie !! (funny 2012 movie quote status)
_____That awkward moment when you post inspirational thoughts on Facebook… and your comments are filled with: “That’s deep!”, “Who hacked into your account?”, “I don’t get it.”, “Did the aliens get you?”, “Drink another one!”, “Where’s the punch line?” etc… (awkward moment joke)
_____My boss suggested me to start the presentation with something funny and practical.... So I attached my salary slip on the very first slide.
_____It takes *time to understand women.  *FOREVER
_____If I write your name on my notebook, that means I like you. If I write it in blood, that means I love you to death. (funny love quote)
_____Keep your friends close, and your enemies oh, hey! I didn't even see you there! How are things? Good, good.
_____Why is it whenever someone in here calls someone stupid, I assume they are talking about YOU? (funny offensive quote)
_____I don't mean to brag, but I was just surfing the net, and I found out that there are several single women in my area dying to meet me.
_____I got on my jogging suit, tennis shoes, headband, pedometer, and bottle of water, I'm ready...to get on the computer and do some facebooking...ooooh, what a workout.
_____I see your name written in the stars. Actually, when I "connect the dots" it spells out "f**king b!t*h." Close enough.
_____I just found out it takes exactly 14 frozen potatoes thrown from 200 feet to completely destroy my neighbor's shed.
_____The iPhone 5 is like constipation. Stop waiting for it. It ain't gonna happen. (funny iPhone quote status)
_____Why do women live a longer, better and peaceful life? Cuz women don't have a f**king wife!
_____Today I met eyes with a beautiful lady. She looked at me, it felt like love & time stood still for a second. But then she closed her blinds.
_____If you get a friend request from me its because I like funny people. If you dont get one its because I like funny people
_____My wife constantly complains and whines about me not giving her enough time. Thank god my girlfriend is not like that.
_____Yesterday was my best friend's best day. So I asked him to be patient till i log on facebook so i can wish him a Happy Birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
_____Sometimes I like your Post to give you a hug ;)
_____If at first you don't succeed, I'd suggest you hurl yourself into traffic. I saw your first attempt and dude, you suck.
_____I'm a fair weather friend. Don't ask me to do shit unless it's nice out. :)
_____Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn!
_____You can actually fall in love with your own Wife/Girlfriend if some other man describes her to you.
_____Why do girls pluck their eyebrows first... and then draw them with eyebrow pencil & liners and stuff.
_____Me: Nice monkey. Woman at store: That's my baby! Me: Oh. <walks away>
_____I'm going out shopping today... to try and find a new Facebook outfit.
_____i woke up all peace and calm today, googled my symptoms and realized i might be dead.. :-/
_____The only time I make someone hot and bothered is when I'm burning their house to the ground. (funny offensive quote)
_____To the people who don't like me.. suck it. To the people that do like me.. same thing. :)
_____The weather man said tomorrow is gona b twice as cold as it is today....but its now 0˚ so how cold will it be? (funny weather quote status)
_____Know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy ---------->
_____Every time I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside
_____Sometimes I like to just stop everything I'm doing and reflect on the life I have lived...but I'm always interrupted by the people in the back of the bus telling me to watch where I'm f**king driving
_____I'm so paranoid half of the time I'm worried about what's gonna happen the other half of the time (funny paranoid quote status)
_____I was going take a photo of myself in front of my bathroom mirror, but then I remembered, I'm not a douchebag

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