19 Funny,Witty,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______i remember before i started drinking i would finish my sentences but now I (funny drinking status)
_______I can only imagine being full of beer, in line for the bathroom, at The Superbowl, in New Orleans, when the lights went out. (hilarious superbowl status)

_______Just checked my FarmVille for the first time in like a year, it's now a strip mall...(funny status about FarmVille)

_______ The worst thing about being single is having to make your own sandwiches. (funny being single status)

_______ Ironic that Beyonce is doing the Pepsi halftime show after being caught miming. 
Pepsi and Beyonce. Not quite the real thing.  (funny status about Beyonce)
______ Video killed the radio star, but reality TV killed the video star and today's pop music killed the talented musician. (famous funny status)

______My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one. (funny wife status)

______Keep your friends close, your family the closest, your enemies within range and your Facebook friends obsolete. (funny friends status)

______Right away, I knew it was a Secret Service dog, because it always barked into its wrist.  

                                                                                                                                                   ______So tell me again... How you just ain't got no time for that...

______I'm confused... At a 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way, right? (funny status about texting)

______I'm 42 years old and can drink a beer in my new couch cushion fort if I want to mom!

______Quit acting like you didn’t know your mom is a wh*re. Did you really believe that you had that many "uncles"? (you mama jokes)

______Ladies... Handmade gifts are sweet, but using your mouth is better... (funny Valentine status)

______My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile and I thought, wow, that's an awfully big word for a nine year-old. (girlfriend status)

______‎"Other than that, how was the cruise?" Too soon? Ok...I'll just let myself out...

______I just saved $50 on this delightful multi colored assortment of roses for my girlfriend. By not buying them. (funny gf status)

______I'll let a stranger hold my kid before I let them hold my phone, because priorities. (funny phone status)

______Personally I don't give a shit if there are local girls in my area....because I'm busy working from home. (funny net surfing status)

______So there I was making funny faces in the bathroom mirror and I suddenly realized my ol' lady was right....... I ain't never gonna grow up.

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Sarcastic Status
Funny Gasoline Status

61 Funny Quotes

______Never look for the fireworks in your car with a lighter.  Good new is I now have a sunroof.  (funny firework quotes)

______I forgot the rules of Fourth of July until Uncle Jimmy came flying out of the trailer with a AK-47 relieving Vietnam. (funny quotes about  4th of July)

______I went to Google and type in "Gambling" then click "I'm Feeling Lucky". (funny Google quotes)

______rip to all the good statuses that i had in my head but didnt have anything to write them down on (clever status update)

______4th of July. That one day of the year when we hand flaming torches over to our children and encourage them to run around the yard waving it at the other kids. (funny 4th of July quote status)

______It's a bit starting to realize that on some people's friends lists, I'm "the tokin Canadian". And no, I didn't misspelled token.

______Damn. I just sat on my balls. Ladies if you dont know what that feels like come on over and sit on my lap and I will show you (funny status update)

______I am standing outside so if anybody asks I'm getting tired of reading this joke so I went outside  (stupid status update)

______"Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you" ~greedy relative waiting for you to die.  (famous funny status)

______OMG!!! I have such a headache right now. Must be because I am aching for some head (hilarious status update)

______So my girlfriend asked me how we should celebrate 5 years of being together.....I replied, "how about two minutes of silence!  (great funny quote)

______I love taking a piss in the morning! I only wished I would have gotten out of bed :/  (funny piss quote)

______do u poke everyone or am i special??  (funny poke quote)

______I don't wish to brag, but my mom is perfectly capable of banging herself.  (funny brag quote)

______My Internet connection is down. You have no idea how much mental power it took to bring you this status.  (funny quote about internet)

______He put up a hell of a fight but I finally got his eyeballs glued to his leg.. Its harder than people make it sound!  (awesome funny quote)

______Well...at least the mosquitos think I'm attractive :/ (funny quote about mosquitos)

______Writing your name with sparklers is fun... Too bad I'm drunk making snow angels in this corn field. :(  (hilarious quote)

______The first rule of Bang Your Mom club is I am first  (funny yo mama joke)

______‎My nickname is Snooze because I get hit on a lot! - A really funny joke between me and my tenth margarita, as I sit here drinking alone. (funny snooze quote)

______If life gives you lemons be thankful, it could have been herpes.  (Awesome funny quotes about life)

______Listen, if I thought carefully about the content of my posts I wouldn't be posting.

______My spirit animal... could use a little more salt and pepper.

______When poking someone for the first time is 2 in the pink 1 in the stink ok or do I have to wait a while?  (funny quote about poking)

______Today my co-worker told me that I'm always flying of the handle and that my violent temper makes me really hard to get along with. So I curse her out and punched her in the face. (funny quote about coworker)

______Whenever anybody takes a picture of me I grab my crotch. I call it my piece sign  (funny pose for picture)

______I've never "bumped uglies". My junk is all pretty and stuff.  (awesome status)

______is busy making a film about short doorways. It's a duckumentary.  (funny film quotes)

______Looks like your mom got her teeth whitened. Of course most of it landed on her chin  (yo mama jokes)

______God grant me something better then serenity. (serenity quote)

______I watch the Discovery channel and I don't know what makes the wind blow but I do know that $20 does the trick with your mom (funny quote about discovery channel)

______When I'm bored I like to get high and write on other people's walls… I'm so glad Zuckerberg created facebook because now I don't have to leave home (funny quote about Mark Zukerberg)

______This young nurse at work was complaining how her mom is such a whore.....Was it wrong if I ask for her mom's number!!?......asking for a friend....  (funny whore quote)

______Just taking it all in. The alcohol, that is.  (funny quotes about alcohol)

______This is only a friendly reminder, only 165 days left till the world as we know it is over... What have you done today ? Me, I slept all day..  (funny quote about end of world)

______When I go down on a girl I just pretend that I'm playing the harmonica.......  (funny go down quotes)

______I just farted so loud at the coffee shop!!!! Thank goodness that I have my headphones on so no one could hear it..  (funny fart quote)

______I'm starting to believe that the last 30 cents of agonizing slowness are the gas stations way of punishing me for pre-paying inside rather than just using a card.  (funny quotes about gas price)

______Task of the day: start humming the Mission Impossible theme and act as if you are a secret agent.  (task of the day quote)

______Ladies, never allow a man to hit you. Cause once he starts, you will be Playing the game of "Duck, Duck, Douche" for as long as you let him.

______Just downloaded instagram! Hate to say it, but its pretty cool.. Don't EVER expect shirtless pics. (funny quotes about instagram)

______Nice guys finish last. Nice girls finish with their mouth  (funny nice girls quote)

______Has anyone seen my morals? They were loose and must've fallen off around here somewhere.  (funny morals quote)

______It's the little things in life that count. At least, that's what I tell myself every time I check my bank account balance.  (funny quotes about balance)

______You'd think that the manufacturers of men's socks would have started selling them in threes instead of pairs by now...  (funny socks quote)

______You know you have made it when your boss feels comfortable enough to fart in your presence..  (funny quote about boss)

______My name aint Fred Flintstone but you mom likes it when I Yabba-Dabba -Do her  (funny Fred Flinstone quotes)

______I'm pretty sure my whistle sinuses pretty much kill any chances I had of being a ninja  (funny ninja quote)

______Weird that they don't ever solve the mystery of a talking dog in Scooby Doo  (funny Scooby Doo status)

______I just pitched a new show American Idle which pretty much is just me sitting around doing nothing. I'll let you know how it goes.  (funny American Idle Quote)

______My ex would probably have made an incredible travel agent based on the number of guilt trips I've been on.  (funny quote about Ex)

______I think I would be more popular with the ladies if I wasn't married, bald, homely and fat. (famous funny quote)

______It's World Kiss Day... and I think I just scared the sh*t out of my co-workers dressed up like Gene Simmons! :(  (funny quote about Kiss day)

______Never hit on cute bank tellers. They know you can't afford to take them to dinner  (funny bank teller quote)

______What weapon do chemists like to use? K-Ni-Fe.  (funny chemist quote)

______Yesterday I saw a guy get hit by a parked car.

______I hate people who procrastinate... and I'm gonna do something about it.... later.  (funny procrastination quote)

______So the other day I bought a book on 'How to manage frustration'.....those pages are all stuck together. (funny quote about frustration)

______These pancakes I had for breakfast... tastes like burnt icing and melted candle wax! (candle wax quotes)

______according to my weather app, it's 15 degrees cooler in hell than it is here  (funny summer quotes)

______Went to see Magic Mike but only to read the credits...  (funny Magic Mike quotes)

______I've honked my horn three times... and this a**hole in front of me won't take his monster truck off the roof of my car! :(  (Awesome status update)


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_____"THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR"...not with that attitude I won't (funny cops quote)

_____A friend of my was recently hacked...It was sad seeing her head roll down the street. (hacking quote status)

_____Sometimes you guys don't know when my posts are funny, but that's ok. (stupid quote)

_____I've been sober for 136 days now.. not in a row but still  (funny sober quote)

_____Is thinking, I need to check the sights on my gun because every time I shoot a bullet, I miss it (funny inspirational quote)

_____Saw my neighbor's been struggling with a mole problem in his yard... So I decided to help him out and burned his house down! (famous funny inspirational quote)

_____Damnit woman... don't touch me there, you're not my uncle.

_____i have slept around alot.. specially due to my huge stuff toy collection (awesome funny quote)

_____i so want to smack someones' face on the desk.. coz i am tied smacking my own.. ~ mood on Mondays' (funny quote about monday)

_____I'm sorry... You lost me after 420 characters. (420 quote)

_____When I have an erection that last more than 4 hours I call your mom (funny yo mama quote)

_____Trying to go to sleep but I cant...your mom keeps snoring too loud! :/ (your mom quote)

_____Based on the size of the guys on Pawn Stars I bet I can get a lot for this cheeseburger

_____You should be honored. If your mom wasnt so hot I wouldnt be bragging about it

_____task for the day - let monday screw me left; right & centre.. (funny quote about monday)

_____I don't always drink beer but when I do I get more f++ked up than the economy (funny quote about beer and economy)

_____An eye for an eye would be cool... if I was a f*cking pirate or at least looked good with an eye patch!

_____The end to a great weekend came faster than your mom last night  (funny yo mama quotes)

_____I don't have a steady girlfriend........Probably because she has Parkinson's (funny quotes about Parkinson)

_____I'd like to dedicate this status to all the statusless people out there....you know who you are.Hang in there...We're all here for you. (famous funny status)

_____Whats the difference between anything and your mom? I am not doing anything right now (great funny insulting quote)

_____When I'm in a really long line I notice all the super skinny people and I start to feel fat. But as the line gets shorter, I lose wait

_____I want uncertainty and I want it now!!! or maybe later, I'm not sure. :( (uncertain quote)

_____i wish everyone would have been all acceptable to the idea of me ruling the world as much as i am. (funny ideas quote)

_____Whoa! Just because I stalk you... doesn't give you the right to talk to me! (funny quote about stalking)

_____Me and my girlfriend decided to commit suicide together...and guess what...once she'd killed herself....things suddenly looked a lot more positive at my end. (great funny quote status)

_____i would have come up with a few good posts, but i am busy dragging myself through this bloody Tuesday (funny quotes about tuesday)

_____If my neighbors don't stop yelling I am going to put my clothes back on and get off the roof (Awesome funny quote)

_____Never trust anybody that won't lie for you. (great famous quote)

_____Just belched and smoke came out... So yeah, my super power is a dragon.

_____Just to let you know, I'm gonna be bending over soon if you keep giving me 'that' look....

_____I dnt know how people get addicted to wrong things.......I've been doing  it everyday since I was a boy and I'm not addicted (Awesome funny quote)

_____I got fired from my job as an announcer at train station....All I said was "If anyone has lost a small kid, he has been found on platform no 1, 2 and 3."  (short funny joke)

_____I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!  (funny status post)

_____You wont believe, I just saw a butterfly with a whore's tattoo on her back...above her a** crack. 

_____Going to be a great day...made it out of the shower without drowning.  (famous funny quote)

_____‎i don't like the way matter looks at me.. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.. (Great funny quote)

_____Spooning leads to forking. Incompetent forking has been known to lead to knifing. Errr....Stay out of my cutlery drawer if you know what's good for you.

_____I make my own sammich and masturbate because if you want something done right you have to do it yourself 

_____You know when your old when an etch-a-sketch is easier to use than an Ipad. (the punchline)

_____Was getting ready to have my review at work today... I just wrote THEM a check and said "See ya tomorrow!" :)  (best funny quote status)

_____If I ever get rich, I will start a fortune cookie company and I will hire some of you to write messages for my fortune cookie company

_____There is a fast food place called ChikFillet. Well I am opening one called ChickFiller. Its in my pants and its all you can eat (the oneliner punch)

_____In case no one has noticed I am about 69 degrees beyond crazy  (Famous funny quote)

_____I googled the word sexy and it said see mirror for details (great funny quote)

_____If I owned a store and had to close it due to the bad economy I would have a Thanks For None Of Your Business sale and tell everyone to f**k off when they came in (short joke)

_____Sometimes I'm an as*hole but thats just my opinion (funny opinion)

_____OMG! This womans camel toe is so big it looks like someone hit her with a machete (funny camel toe quote)

_____When you are sad just sit on a happy face. You will be smiling in no time (funny inspirational status

_____I just saw a really hot chick walking down the street so I gave her a bottled water and told her to stand in the shade for a while (short joke)

_____I worked at Burger King for one day and quit. I kept the uniform though. Now I get free soda for life (funny burger king quote status)

_____Rigged my sprinkler to my doorbell and have two of them aimed at my front door. Cant wait for a Jehovahs witness to stop by (funny quote about Jovah's Witness)

_____Uno, dos, tres and quatrro are the only words I understand in a Pitbull song (funny quote about pitbull)

______I hate when I hold the door open for a woman and she still wont get in the back of my van (i hate quotes)

______I put flour and yeast in my yard yesterday so I will be raking in the dough today

_____Lets play farmer. You choke my chicken and I will check you for eggs (famous funny quote)

_____Never beat around the bush with a woman. If you are that close just stick it in (great famous funny quote)

_____I tried to get some road head but she kept saying it was just a test drive and against company policy


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52 Funny Quotes

_____I don't like it when my wife calls me names..........she knows my name is --------..but for some reason 'names' is what she prefers to call me!!!!

_____ i really like my men as i like my pets... alive and begging to be released... :))

_____If you will give an elderly rabbit a viagra, he will die....didn't you hear that saying 'Old rabbit die hard' (funny viagra quotes)

_____I liked my dad's wife a lot more back when she was just my mom's best friend... 

_____with all these comebacks i am coming up with.. my mood is getting better and better.. obviously yours is going bad to worst..

_____i go for 1/2 hour yoga session.. And sleep 3 hours after coming home.. Cuz you know my body needs resting (funny yoga quote)

_____I don't ever want any of you to take offense at me asking you to kiss my butt, It's all tongue in cheek fun

_____No one cares about your problems. Take your clothes off

_____I wish I was still a baby sometimes cause my widdle fist would fit right into someone eye socket and plus I could get away with punching people.

_____My girlfriend says she wants to start seeing other people....................reasonable enough.....considering how long she's been locked up in my basement!!!!

_____i am not always correct......but when i am not..... o am still f**king right!!!!

_____When the f**k are they gonna figure out how to fax a beer.:/

_____I kill mosquitoes with my bare hands... So yeah, I'm gang ready.

_____I can honestly say, I have no desire to wear clothes around you.

_____I love how my car goes from 0 to 60 in 2.5 minutes.

_____I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat (funny tyre quote)

_____Whenever I'm at work I like to stay on facebook all day just to see all of my friends who are wasting time (funny Facebook status)

_____I accidentally dropped my ink pen in the toilet today..darn thing writes like absolute crap now.

_____Hit a skateboarder with my truck, he was ok, then read his shirt "Skate or Die"... So I backed over him!

_____Use other people's stuff carefully, especially when they don't know that u're using it.

_____Facebook android app is slower then shit...takes 17 mins to see a lame ass photo of food that was posted 2 hrs ago. Epic fail. (funny android quote)

_____most times i find it is my sober activity that is highly inappropriate.

_____I just opened my credit card bill and everything around me died.

_____I hope this cop don't pistol whip me sober... I've worked to hard to get this drunk and steal his car.

_____Her Brown Eye has tunnel vision........ ;-)

_____I never got beat as a child. The hell is still in me.

_____It would be nice if once in a while Alex Trebek overrode the time clock and just read the final clue....

_____I don't understand these "Slow Children" signs.......If they're really slow, I'll see them coming with plenty of time to react!!!...

_____The girl I met at the bar must of been a magician because when she texted me that she was pregnant I disappeared (funny magician quote)

_____I leave all the tough decisions in life up to my magic 8 ball and the answer is always Stop doing so much cocaine

_____It's raining/snowing/sun shining.......I can't wait to update my status and alert all my friends who don't have any windows! (funny status)

_____I wake up people in the wee hours of the morning so I can flip them the early bird.

_____My feet are killing me from wearing these stripper heels all day . And I'm not even a stripper !!........Respect. (short joke pun)

_____It doesnt matter if the glass is half empty or half full as long as Lupita washes it when I am done using it

_____Sometimes I wonder how many awesome prizes I've missed out on winning simply because I'm too lazy to enter the code under the Coca-Cola bottle cap.

_____Having romance and tellin your friend over the phone that you're in the middle of something isn't totally a lie (funny romantic quote)

_____This status was constipated until everyone liked the shit out of it

_____i cant believe people are so always pretending to be someone else.. Have i ever go ahead and claimed to be superman?? Noh.. Coz i am Batman..!! (funny batman quote)

_____For people I don't really love: <NO3

_____I went to town on those beautiful breasts and magnificent thighs, now what shall I do with this greasy box? - me after a 5 piece chicken dinner from KFC (funny KFC quote)

_____That awkward moment when you spent hours trying to remember that one good joke to tell your friends... and you punch up the mess line!

_____I tried to rob a train old school, but they didn't have any money, so I shot the horse... Now I don't have any money, and I'm stuck with a horse with a gun shot wound. :(

_____Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so.

_____After all the times people have said I was boring it's nice to hear today that the police have classified me as a person of interest.

_____I think it's fair enough to say that 1 out of one hundred eye drops landed in my eye at one time.

_____I just got a request from my son who doesnt know this is me. Hope he likes my jokes about banging his mom

_____i get many pokes a day... But yours' is always special... ; )

_____I am working on a Bruno Mars parody. Here is a sample. I want to be a billionaire so freaking bad. I'll bang your mom and you can call me dad. Pretty good so far right? (funny Bruno Mars quote)

_____I'm logging out.... then, I'll wipe and flush. No worries, I'll keep FB open, during the process.

_____Ok no more jokes tonite about your mom. I have to take a shower before she gets here (your mom quotes)

_____Next time you get mad at your mom inbox me her address. (your mom quotes)

_____Just got back from my High School reunion... I celebrated by staying home, getting drunk and burning my yearbook page by page! (funny reunion quote)

_____I wish everything in life was as easy as your mom (your mom quotes)

_____The other day, I helped my neighbor clean his yard, I took all his split wood and burned it for him

_____Bad news, the vicar of my local church died today of Organ Failure, half way through the Sunday service the organ fell on him (funny organ)

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_____Some guys have "six-pack abs", but it takes a real man to carry around a 2-pack and keg.

_____The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again..... I should really consider canceling that newspaper subscription.... Rude little bastard.......

_____If I had a penny for every time someone called me a retard, I'd buy a smartphone. (funny smartphone quote status)

_____Let me get this straight.----------------------------------- that's better.

_____if your hotness caused global warming.. I am the reasoning for The Big Bang..!!! (hot quote status)

_____i don't know why guys are so afraid to go into my basement!! :-/

_____Don't ask God to help you come up with a good status because he doesn't work that way. Just steal this one and ask for forgiveness.

_____Someone very close to me died today. But with all due respect, I told the idiot not to come close to me or I'd shoot! (funny idiot quote status)

_____Ladies ... If you are even moderately attractive, then all of your male friends, including the married ones, have thought about you while pleasuring themselves. Try not to let that freak you out next time you see them.

_____At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMMIT! PROVED! (autocorrect quotes)

_____Well, Hell yeah. If you take the alcohol, the laughter, and the coming home naked out of the story. I guess I was an a**hole last night. me to my wife. 

_____The secret of staying young is to never say things like "I remember when...", "When I was your age...." or "These kids nowadays..."

_____I don't think you understand!! We would get along perfectly..... if you would kindly just walk heart first into a sharp knife!!

_____What's the magnet limit before your refrigerator tips over?

_____Mother's Day is very hard on Bambi........

_____I've been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for a while........till her husband found out (funny Jenny Craig quotes)

_____I'm going to try and be totally classy this summer..... First step, not peeing in an overcrowded, public pool....... We'll try again next week......

_____I am throwing a party for people who love to have orgasms and I was wondering if you can come

_____Have you heard the latest about Alice in Chains? She has lost a lot of weight in my basement

_____My friend said she wanted to lose 10 pounds of ugly fat so I told her to chop off her head

_____Screw walking away from an explosion in slow motion...... I want to crush someone's c-spine with my foot while shaking violently and screaming ooooooooohwhaaaaaaa!

_____It is very hard to coach my 9 year old son's soccer team when all I can think about is how badly I want a motor boat the MILF in a tank top sitting next to the field.

_____The worst thing I have ever done for money was your mom (funny mom quotes)

_____You're taking that long walk into a room with confidence, head held high then you enter the room and that moment you wonder...What the f*&k did I come in here for?

_____I've been flirting with disaster... and now disaster won't stop stalking me. :( (funny disaster quotes)

______I just went out and bought a new cock ring  But my chickens still refuse to fight !!!

______IM NOT SAYING YOU'RE A SLUT, I'M JUST SURPRISED THAT FACEBOOK HASN'T BANNED YOU FROM USING THIS JOKE AGAIN

______I think there should be a filter to catch all Facebook re-posts and Twitter retweets... And once caught, it's two weeks probation back on MySpace!

______Sometimes you just have to LOL @ some people.

______Why is it that when I say I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow.. I do and I'm never good at work tomorrow

_____It wouldn't hurt you to at least like one of my posts tonight.

_____my neighbor called my dog an ankle biter, so i picked my dog up and let him bite her in the neck.....i hate stereotypes..

_____I saw a homeless person today, he was all bummed out.

_____when people say i'm the sh!t, i get so excited that sometimes i me myself

_____You can tell a lot about a woman by.............well........sneaking in and reading her diary!!

_____So tonight there I was sitting on the toilet seat......doing some deep thinking.........it really got me wondering....who really is the gossip girl?

______How to make $$$$: press shift-4 4 times

______I can tell by the way you did not like my posts today that your mom told you about me banging her last night (funny mom quotes)

_____The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid  profile picture next to it

_____We are having a formal party at work on Friday and the boss said to Dress to Impress so I am gonna take a Viagra and wear my birthday suit

_____If you have never worn parachute pants... then chances are you have never done a back spin on a piece of cardboard in the middle of the street either.

_____Just clogged the toilet at work. Looks like I can go home early.. my work here is done. :)

_____I watched my husband bite into an apple and swallow a worm. I would have warned him if I cared.

_____I never believed in the saying "Actions are louder than words". If you beat the heck out of someone, the scream will definitely be louder than the beating.

_____The difference between a motorcycle "club" member and a motorcycle "gang" member is about 500 cc's.

_____I respect that you told me your body is your temple.. That's why I removed my shoes before I came inside. (funny temple quotes)

_____You have got to be joking .. Gas is 4.39 a gallon and she still thinks I'm just coming over to "chill"

_____Sticks and stones may break my bones. So stop hitting me with them stupid

_____Have you tried the new seafood diet? I see you eating food and I slap the crap outta you.

_____My dream is to buy a cheap car and ram into every car and pedestrian I can find......

_____I headed to the local club and immediately started chatting to the 1st girl I saw and got right to the point. Hey beautiful, how do you like your eggs in the morning?   Unfertilized. she replied.

_____After a heated intervention, I decided to get help for my gambling problem. I called the number and said, Hit me. Im all in.

_____I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone... (funny cellphone status)

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48 Funny Quotes

_____My wife has done everything to make me a better person, but after 3 years I'm divorcing her... ...Now I'm too good for her. (funny wife quote status)

_____‎If I make eye contact with you and say "Good morning".. consider that a sincere "F**k You." :) (hilarious good morning status)

_____I think some people are really slacking here tonight, what if this was an emergency?

_____Sometimes I abuse the system, by deleting my notifications before I read them.

_____Why does everyone want me to do stuff for the love of god? I thought he was supposed to love me no matter what.

_____I "liked" YOU, sooooOooo much more.....  When I didnt even KNOW you.

_____So you're on facebook moaning about facebook, and now I'm on facebook moaning about you being on my facebook. Damn this irony! (irony quote)

_____Today I set my clock back 5 minutes slow......I felt so powerful.......u know......"Turning back the hands of time" (funny time quote status)

_____Could this day possibly get any worse........for these people around me.........I really need ideas how to make them miserable

_____I like to be polite by giving your crotch a handshake before we get acquainted.

_____Almost all of my jokes are dirty. So what. So is your mom (yoo mama quote status)

_____Some people on here write so eloquently that I can't help but step back and say "Shiiiiit."

_____ I guess I'll have to be the one who says what everyone is secretly thinking - You're a twat.

_____I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the bratz next door left in my yard.

_____I don't believe in wearing real animal fur. Its such a waste. You should wear the whole carcass

_____i really wish my ex-boyfriend doesn't come to know the lies i've told.. Especially the ones that involved burning down his house.. ; )

_____i am going to be available on skype, coz i have got my nails done and i want to show off.. :-p

_____I never had imaginary friends........ I was the imaginary friend....

_____I put the "f" in safety.. seriously, f**k that shit! :)

_____If I had a penny for every time someone has called me lazy...I'd have... Oh fugg it... I will count it later.

_____My sick friend was praying for a cure. I can't do that so I gave him a Keurig.

_____my girl said...."your obsession with cats is totally driving me crazy, so just get out from here ."....and I was all " dont kick meeeeeowt "

_____I won't "like" a picture of your kids unless they are crying

_____I worked so hard last month so I can be able to pay the hip replacement surgery for my grandma.. as they say you break it you buy it

______what's good about hockey is that when you take a punch and fall you'll have ice on it right away

______My collection of other peoples lighters... is now available on eBay. (funny eBay quote status)

______Hey people, who wished me 'happy birthday' in small letters...get a life........also thank you. (funny birthday quote)

______I am desperately waiting to head towards the Church.. 2 minutes away is the new Bar which offers Happy Hours during lunch break !! :-D

______I requested December 21st and 22nd off of work... They said you'll have to work Xmas.... Hahaha they'll be working the last weekend on earth...

______Now that I'm getting older, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka. (funny vodka joke)

______Why the hell do they only 'break the mold' on good people, yet the stupid people mold is used over and over?

______The look in your eyes tell me that you are going to love living in my basement so much!

______This is the time of night where you're pretty much alone and you can take advantage of it and babble all you want.

______Animals can be homosexual. I just saw a goat with the same hairstyle as Ryan Seacrest

______So, Barack Obama is in favor of letting guys fuck other guys. This isn't surprising considering the fact that he's already f**ked us all (funny Barack Obama gay marriage quote status joke)

______I always like to give people a choice................the choice to do whatever the f**k I say that is!!

_____The narcissism levels of a person are directly proportional to the amount of time they spend on their own Facebook page, admiring their own posts.

_____It's really not a joke....I'd really love it, if you would just take that "POKE" I sent you seriously!

_____I know they mean well but the next person that tells me "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is going to see how strong I am....when I punch them in the throat

______Watching Avengers, I turned all green. Wondering when will these muscles grow. (funny avenger quote status)

______I am not a bad person. That's why when I am done with finishing your voodoo doll, I am just gonna tickle it hard.

_____Don't you hate it when you lean into kiss someone REALLY SEXY, and you hit your head on the mirror. Dammit man.

_____My face will be the last thing you see......when I turn off the lights and kiss you goodnight. (funny goodnight quote)

______Computer technology used to be a hard...when I was growing up, mice had balls!

______Despite what people may tell you it's the fat that makes you look fat not the dress.

______I got a tickle me Emo doll. It slits on wrists when you tickle it.

_____Vacation for me is putting an umbrella in my beer bottle.

_____Everyone has homicidal thoughts about the person bragging about going on vacation right?

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