57 Funny Quotes

_____"THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR"...not with that attitude I won't (funny cops quote)

_____A friend of my was recently hacked...It was sad seeing her head roll down the street. (hacking quote status)

_____Sometimes you guys don't know when my posts are funny, but that's ok. (stupid quote)

_____I've been sober for 136 days now.. not in a row but still  (funny sober quote)

_____Is thinking, I need to check the sights on my gun because every time I shoot a bullet, I miss it (funny inspirational quote)

_____Saw my neighbor's been struggling with a mole problem in his yard... So I decided to help him out and burned his house down! (famous funny inspirational quote)

_____Damnit woman... don't touch me there, you're not my uncle.

_____i have slept around alot.. specially due to my huge stuff toy collection (awesome funny quote)

_____i so want to smack someones' face on the desk.. coz i am tied smacking my own.. ~ mood on Mondays' (funny quote about monday)

_____I'm sorry... You lost me after 420 characters. (420 quote)

_____When I have an erection that last more than 4 hours I call your mom (funny yo mama quote)

_____Trying to go to sleep but I cant...your mom keeps snoring too loud! :/ (your mom quote)

_____Based on the size of the guys on Pawn Stars I bet I can get a lot for this cheeseburger

_____You should be honored. If your mom wasnt so hot I wouldnt be bragging about it

_____task for the day - let monday screw me left; right & centre.. (funny quote about monday)

_____I don't always drink beer but when I do I get more f++ked up than the economy (funny quote about beer and economy)

_____An eye for an eye would be cool... if I was a f*cking pirate or at least looked good with an eye patch!

_____The end to a great weekend came faster than your mom last night  (funny yo mama quotes)

_____I don't have a steady girlfriend........Probably because she has Parkinson's (funny quotes about Parkinson)

_____I'd like to dedicate this status to all the statusless people out there....you know who you are.Hang in there...We're all here for you. (famous funny status)

_____Whats the difference between anything and your mom? I am not doing anything right now (great funny insulting quote)

_____When I'm in a really long line I notice all the super skinny people and I start to feel fat. But as the line gets shorter, I lose wait

_____I want uncertainty and I want it now!!! or maybe later, I'm not sure. :( (uncertain quote)

_____i wish everyone would have been all acceptable to the idea of me ruling the world as much as i am. (funny ideas quote)

_____Whoa! Just because I stalk you... doesn't give you the right to talk to me! (funny quote about stalking)

_____Me and my girlfriend decided to commit suicide together...and guess what...once she'd killed herself....things suddenly looked a lot more positive at my end. (great funny quote status)

_____i would have come up with a few good posts, but i am busy dragging myself through this bloody Tuesday (funny quotes about tuesday)

_____If my neighbors don't stop yelling I am going to put my clothes back on and get off the roof (Awesome funny quote)

_____Never trust anybody that won't lie for you. (great famous quote)

_____Just belched and smoke came out... So yeah, my super power is a dragon.

_____Just to let you know, I'm gonna be bending over soon if you keep giving me 'that' look....

_____I dnt know how people get addicted to wrong things.......I've been doing  it everyday since I was a boy and I'm not addicted (Awesome funny quote)

_____I got fired from my job as an announcer at train station....All I said was "If anyone has lost a small kid, he has been found on platform no 1, 2 and 3."  (short funny joke)

_____I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!  (funny status post)

_____You wont believe, I just saw a butterfly with a whore's tattoo on her back...above her a** crack. 

_____Going to be a great day...made it out of the shower without drowning.  (famous funny quote)

_____‎i don't like the way matter looks at me.. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.. (Great funny quote)

_____Spooning leads to forking. Incompetent forking has been known to lead to knifing. Errr....Stay out of my cutlery drawer if you know what's good for you.

_____I make my own sammich and masturbate because if you want something done right you have to do it yourself 

_____You know when your old when an etch-a-sketch is easier to use than an Ipad. (the punchline)

_____Was getting ready to have my review at work today... I just wrote THEM a check and said "See ya tomorrow!" :)  (best funny quote status)

_____If I ever get rich, I will start a fortune cookie company and I will hire some of you to write messages for my fortune cookie company

_____There is a fast food place called ChikFillet. Well I am opening one called ChickFiller. Its in my pants and its all you can eat (the oneliner punch)

_____In case no one has noticed I am about 69 degrees beyond crazy  (Famous funny quote)

_____I googled the word sexy and it said see mirror for details (great funny quote)

_____If I owned a store and had to close it due to the bad economy I would have a Thanks For None Of Your Business sale and tell everyone to f**k off when they came in (short joke)

_____Sometimes I'm an as*hole but thats just my opinion (funny opinion)

_____OMG! This womans camel toe is so big it looks like someone hit her with a machete (funny camel toe quote)

_____When you are sad just sit on a happy face. You will be smiling in no time (funny inspirational status

_____I just saw a really hot chick walking down the street so I gave her a bottled water and told her to stand in the shade for a while (short joke)

_____I worked at Burger King for one day and quit. I kept the uniform though. Now I get free soda for life (funny burger king quote status)

_____Rigged my sprinkler to my doorbell and have two of them aimed at my front door. Cant wait for a Jehovahs witness to stop by (funny quote about Jovah's Witness)

_____Uno, dos, tres and quatrro are the only words I understand in a Pitbull song (funny quote about pitbull)

______I hate when I hold the door open for a woman and she still wont get in the back of my van (i hate quotes)

______I put flour and yeast in my yard yesterday so I will be raking in the dough today

_____Lets play farmer. You choke my chicken and I will check you for eggs (famous funny quote)

_____Never beat around the bush with a woman. If you are that close just stick it in (great famous funny quote)

_____I tried to get some road head but she kept saying it was just a test drive and against company policy


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