24 Legendarily Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Epic Facebook statuses

______I'm not a professional helicopter pilot... but I can strap myself to a ceiling fan and spin around on the highest setting for like 45 minutes.

 

_______I always look the other way when my dog does "his business" 'cause, you know, he needs a little privacy while he pays bills and takes care of his banking and stuff.

 

_______I'm going to walk a mile in my own shoes thank you very much.

 

_______As I stood there recording my microwave meal, I suddenly realised that 'remove cardboard and film' meant something else....

 

________Too many human piñatas, and me without a bat...

 

________It's a beautiful day to go outside and stare at your phone.

 

________I tried to order "The Ultimate Dallas Cowboys Fan Guide" off of Amazon to give to a friend. A message from Amazon popped up that said "customers who bought this product also bought "How to Act Like a Total Douche for Dummies."

 

________You know you're gonna have a interesting day when you place both contacts in the same eye, and then realize that you don't even wear contacts.

 

________ENOUGH WITH THE RAINBOWS! You're gay, we get it!

 

________Jehovah's Witnesses don't like it when they ask if you have a relationship with God and you say, "Only when I'm having an orgasm''

 

 

________They say "its the thought that counts", I don't think my bank understands the concept.

 

 

________You know that feeling you get when you KNOW you are about to get laid? Can someone describe that to me? I heard it was pretty exciting.

 

________Two things that will always be there for you when you fall, the ground and the floor.

 

________where I'm from, if walks like a duck and talks like a duck, we steal it.

 

________They say a lady should look at herself in the mirror before going out and remove one piece of jewellery. For me, it was always my wedding ring.....

 

________If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.

 

________I think it's nice that we have this day to to recognize, and celebrate fools, because there are so bloody many of them.

 

________If you see a porcupine in your yard, don't panic, that's just my cat. We're not done with our acupuncture session yet, so I'd be much obliged if you'd return him.

 

________You know you're about to have an interesting day when you look out the window and see a SWAT team and TV news crews barricading off the street in front of your house.

 

________This one time... I skipped school for like 12 years.

 

________Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram

 

________To be or not to be, that is........ Not a question at all. More like an ambiguous statement. William Shakespeare was obviously smoking something.

 

________Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible...

 

________remember the time I watched you shower? ..of course you don't.

 

______If you carry on speaking after using the expression 'needless to say...', I will attempt to dislocate your jaw with my elbow.

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22 Funny Witty Hilarious and clever Facebook Status Updates

_______This one time... I curled my hair for like nine hours until I realized I was bald.

_______I have the madness all year round, not just March.

_______In a strange turn of events, my homework just ate my dog.

_______I don't always drink milf, but when I do it squirts all over me.

_______Nicki Minaj fired her makeup artist. So, if you've ever dreamed of loading blush, foundation and eyeliner into a cannon and firing it from point-blank range, have I got a job for you!

_______Sitting around with your thumb up your a$$ is a cute little sarcastic saying until it becomes your idea of a romantic evening.

_______That’s funny, my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I'm on my way home.

_______Excuse me Ma'am, I think that red nail polish you have in your front pocket, is open. You're welcome.

_______A woman got on the elevator, and said, "Going down." So naturally I started to unbuckle my pants. Apparently, that's not what she meant. She wanted me to push the button for the basement.

_______When people tell me they stopped drinking. My response is always, "Sorry to hear that."

_______I don't smoke, so every 45 min. I ask for a phone break. Fair is fair!

_______‎"Good things come to those who wait."  I call Bullshit! I've been sitting on this couch for 2 years and I still haven't found a job!

_______Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.

_______Self medication ..the reason for my happiness..

_______After all that we've been through together, the least you could do is f**k off....

_______They say that playing an instrument fosters the mind of a gifted child .. and I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at playing the spoons.

_______Women are the foundation of our society; Every foundation has to be laid...

_______In honor of International Women Day, I am going to give every woman I can a pearl necklace tomorrow, because they deserve it.

_______You know you're growing up when you stop clubbin and start pub'in. :/

_______My old lady just slapped me so hard, I thought I went blind at first. I quickly realized when she slapped me a second time, it was the Clappers that I installed all over the house.

_______This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.

_______going in for a colonoscopy soon,not that i need one,but i have looked everywhere else for the guest tv remote and it is a free exam since i turned 50 recently.

_______Sometimes I like to do amazing nice things for crappy, ungrateful people... because it pisses them off.

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19 Funny,Witty,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______i remember before i started drinking i would finish my sentences but now I (funny drinking status)
_______I can only imagine being full of beer, in line for the bathroom, at The Superbowl, in New Orleans, when the lights went out. (hilarious superbowl status)

_______Just checked my FarmVille for the first time in like a year, it's now a strip mall...(funny status about FarmVille)

_______ The worst thing about being single is having to make your own sandwiches. (funny being single status)

_______ Ironic that Beyonce is doing the Pepsi halftime show after being caught miming. 
Pepsi and Beyonce. Not quite the real thing.  (funny status about Beyonce)
______ Video killed the radio star, but reality TV killed the video star and today's pop music killed the talented musician. (famous funny status)

______My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one. (funny wife status)

______Keep your friends close, your family the closest, your enemies within range and your Facebook friends obsolete. (funny friends status)

______Right away, I knew it was a Secret Service dog, because it always barked into its wrist.  

                                                                                                                                                   ______So tell me again... How you just ain't got no time for that...

______I'm confused... At a 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way, right? (funny status about texting)

______I'm 42 years old and can drink a beer in my new couch cushion fort if I want to mom!

______Quit acting like you didn’t know your mom is a wh*re. Did you really believe that you had that many "uncles"? (you mama jokes)

______Ladies... Handmade gifts are sweet, but using your mouth is better... (funny Valentine status)

______My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile and I thought, wow, that's an awfully big word for a nine year-old. (girlfriend status)

______‎"Other than that, how was the cruise?" Too soon? Ok...I'll just let myself out...

______I just saved $50 on this delightful multi colored assortment of roses for my girlfriend. By not buying them. (funny gf status)

______I'll let a stranger hold my kid before I let them hold my phone, because priorities. (funny phone status)

______Personally I don't give a shit if there are local girls in my area....because I'm busy working from home. (funny net surfing status)

______So there I was making funny faces in the bathroom mirror and I suddenly realized my ol' lady was right....... I ain't never gonna grow up.

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18 Funny and Hilarious most Facebook Statuses

_______If I had to choose between my kids and a million dollars...............it would probably be very hard................to decide which car to buy first! (funny money status)
_______Fool people into thinking you are a meteorologist by posting weather updates on Facebook
_______Boss: Let me make myself clear.  Me: I wish you would because I'm tired of looking at you. (funny status about Boss)
_______If I had a choice between Parkinson's and Alzheimer's I'd choose Parkinson's...because I'd rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it. (funny status about Parkinson's )
_______Bad pick up line : I have all this birth control and I don't want it to go to waste.
_______People need to stop sending me invites for games..........I'm currently in a unfriending mood (funny game invite status)
_______Holy Shit! I just noticed something that will blow your mind. Did you guys know that Facebook has a "sign out" button?  (funny Facebook Status)
_______Am I the only person who thinks the guy that came up with rumble strips on the road was just trying to enhance road head?
_______On this date next year, I am going to scroll down to this status and leave myself a comment. Can't wait to find out what my future self has to say.
_______First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today (most hilarious status ever)
_______I'm currently saving myself a fortune by not actually having any money to spend. (funny fortune status)

_______I always automatically assume, when meeting people for the first time, that they are complete and utter twats until proven otherwise. That way, I'm either always right, or pleasantly surprised. (best funny hilarious status)
_______I'm imagining skipping rocks over a pond... when in reality I'm actually tossing bricks over the fence into my neighbors pool. (funny offensive status)
_______Hey I chopped off your nose... It was in my business again. (funny business status)
_______I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you f**k with me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body
_______Listen you punk..I am not gay! I am only wearing pink in the support for the fight against breast cancer......and these heels I have on just means...........uhmmm..........well u just f**k off and mind your own business! (funny gay status)
_______I would rather break both legs than spill my beer! - everyone that has fallen with a beer in their hand. (funny beer status)
_______Running from your problems doesn't help. Unless your problem is being fat... (funny fat status)

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75 Funny Quotes

_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.  (funny women quotes)

_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed.  (funny inspirational quote)

_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire.  (funny love quotes)

_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar sh!t-monster peppered with motherf**king profanity?  (best funny quotes status ever)

_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (funny heart quotes)

_______I'm well known for my ability to not finish the things that I begin. In fact, I'm so good th  (funny ability status)

_______"What's the worst that could happen?" - What I'm guessing my last words will be (funny last words)
_______I am not trying to save the planet but could you please use less hot water when you shower? The steam is fogging up the lens of the camera I installed  (funny stalker)

_______The first time I met you, I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my money with.  (funny loving quote)

_______They say you need to intake lots of water to stay alive but the body floating in my pool disagrees (funny sci-fi quotes)

_______Bet you can't guess what I'm doing tonight. Here's a hint... it begins with G and ends with 'ettingcompletelyfuckingwasted'.  (funny bored quotes)

_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy but lets go drinking its black Friday baby (funny black Friday quotes)

_______My internet's been down for over 10 hours now. But on the plus side, I've just discovered my right hand can be used as a cup holder. (internet addiction quote)

_______STRESS: The inner conflict that occurs when the "voice of reason" over-rides urgent desire of wanting to strangle the living sh!t out of some a**hole who desperately needs it! (funny stress quotes)

_______My boss called me Stupid this morning. I gotta say, I was a little insulted. Been working for the man for 3 years and he still doesn't know my name (funny boss insulting quote)

_______One more time you call me a freak, and I'll take my gun out, and stab you with my knife till you choke out 'cause of the rope around your neck and eventually get drowned in pool. (freaking quote)

_______To help reduce cost this quote was typed in China  (made in china quote)

_______I don't charge you to read my statuses so feel FREE to like them

_______After not being able to sleep at very well at night I am thankful for my naps at work (work nap quote status)

_______Was thinking about shoving a beer can up a chicken's a** but that's a waste of beer.

_______You say you hate the way you look. After viewing the 683 photos you posted of your face so do I (sarcastic quote)

_______I have been called a lot of things in my life but a nice guy isn't one of them (life facts quote)

_______I sure would like to know who that mysterious photographer is that keeps taken pictures of people holding their phones up by their face. (funny self photographer quote)

_______The duration of my bowel movement is based on how interesting my news feed is (funny newsfeed quote)

_______Just for the record, each and every Quote I post here is my own original. Which should explain why they're not funny.

_______Whoever quoted,  'Never say never', said it twice in a sentence. (never say never quote)

_______That's the last time I got caught sleeping with a girl...I'm never gonna attend History class ever. (funny history quote status)

_______Kids are lucky these days.... Back when I was a kid, I had to walk to a girls house to "poke" her!  (funny poke quote)

_______‎Objection! Thats allegedly killed the cat your honor ~ Curiositys lawyer (curiosity killed the cat quote)

_______Yes, I exercise...I exercise my right not to exercise. (exercise quote)

_______Ate too many apples and now I can't find a doctor.

_______I'm like a hero or something. I disarmed a gunman today...well it was my nephew, and it was a water gun, and why the hell is he crying, doesn't he know I"m a hero?

_______You must have missed mentioning it on your 'about me' section, that you are an a**hole. (sarcastic insulting quote)

_______Just for the record - When in court accused of indecent exposure, 'There's no business like show business' is not considered to be a suitable line of defense. (funny self defense quote)

_______I really want to ask this girl that I like on a date but I am afraid that if I crawl out from under her bed I will scare her (stalker status)

_______So I connected a New mouse in my computer today and it said "Found Human interface". No you Idiot... IT'S A MOUSE!!! (funny tech quotes)

_______For those who are dyslexic, today is Friday the 13th (dyslexic quotes)

_______Ok I am confused. The girl at the end of the bar only has one eye and I can't tell if she is winking and blinking (confused quotes)

_______For now on...whenever any of my friends invite me to their kids B-Day parties, I'm going to gift wrap empty boxes, cuz I know for damn sure they're not teaching them about life's disappointments! (funny birthday status)

_______When it come to exercise, the only running I do lately is running out of money. Doesn't make my gut disappear but my bank account looks smaller. (funny money shortage quote status)

_______As I get older, the longer I look at what I drop and wonder if it's worth bending over to pick up.......Anyways......my wife is pissed!  (pissed quotes)

_______Sometimes I feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something. (fat  quotes)

_______She posted her status "Life is a bitch"...I commented "You're my Life" (life quotes)

_______Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.  (hangover quotes)

_______You'd be prettier if you grew your hair really long and wrapped it over your face several times and hung yourself with it (sarcastic insulting punchline)

_______A guy can drop his pants and show his junk, people will just walk away fast, but when a woman pulls up her skirt and shows her stuff....people will stand and stare. (double standard quote)

_______Everything was better in the good old days. For example, 5 days ago, it was Friday (friday quote)

_______I just realized it's not a good idea to sneeze when facing directly in front of a fan, while it's on high. That is all (funny sneezing idea)

_______My one regret is that I never learned how to fly a plane, but I can live with that. Just as long as my passengers on this Boeing 787 never find out.  (funny regret quote)

_______ went from 'being in a relationship' to 'stopped believing in imaginary girlfriends' (imaginary girlfriend quote)

_______As soon as find this Wisdom person... I'm going to give them some words of my own! (funny words of wisdom)

_______Hey people that say "Just saying", you should probably stop that... just saying. 

_______I've finally met a lady that "tugs on my heart strings". But I've decided not to tell the heart surgeon this....until she sews me up! (funny heart quotes)

_______My Girlfriend wouldn't go hiking with me because she doesn't exist (funny girlfriend quote)

_______Restaurant said "No sleeveless shirts". I have the right to bare arms.

_______If falling asleep at work is wrong.....I don't wanna be caught. (funny nap at work quote)

_______Some days I sit around and think about how great it would be to be married again...and then I laugh and laugh and laugh because I'm such a kidder.

_______I sneeze a lot just to find out which of my friends are religious. 

_______I dont care what women say,size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around (best funny quote)

_______Unfortunately I think I've reached a point in my life where the word "frisky" only refers to my cat's food :(

_______Wish they made glad press n seal for lips so i could make you stfu! (STFU quotes)

_______"you make me feel like a wrestler. Can I body slam you?" is not a good pick up line. (funny pickup line)

_______I was talking to this girl at the beach today. She asked me if I was the type of person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Hello...I have no shirt on. What sleeves...don't be stupid.  (funny heart status)

_______OK I have made plenty so I could probably be a millionaire if I could just find these people that wanna "pay for your mistakes." (funny mistake quotes)

_______Finally I joined a Gym..its a page on Facebook..I feel so fit n fine. (funny facebook status)

_______I saw this woman staring me down in the supermarket today!!! I don't know if she was attracted to me or just amazed by how ugly I am!  (funny confusion )

_______I hate when people think they're better than other people. I never do that. I'm better than those people. (superiority complex quote)

74 Funny Quotes

_______Wow!! I'm really good at making people angry... is there a job for that? (funny job quote)
_______Apparently playing "YMCA" while DJing the amputee support group dinner wasn't very well received.
_______Now I'm not saying my girlfriend is unstable, but she sat her cat down last night and made it watch a PETA video with her to show him how good his life was. (funny quote about girlfriend and life)
_______Someday I'm gonna be rich enough to have my own facebook group ;p (funny status for Facebook)
_______Did you know that if you mix Tea and coffee together, it doesn't taste like Toffee. (funny stupid quote)
_______I like to learn as much as I can about a girl before asking her out, but these nights sleeping in a tree outside her window have been rough! (funny quote about stalking girl)
_______I am so proud of myself. I have not made one typo all day. (funny typo quotes)
_______You mean the world to me, I would be so lost without you, I think about you all day, every day, you taught me what true love is, you complete me tuna fish sammich with lettuce, tomato, swiss, pickles on toast, I love you........ (funny quotes about Love)
_______I am hereby nominating myself for the Facebook Humanitarian Award... for the multitude of times I have bitten my tongue, and chose to not post a searing, apt comment in reply to some of the inane, tasteless and downright stupid posts I've encountered...  (great funniest quote status for Facebook)
_______I TRULY, don't care, if YOU, "like".... My POSTS or not..... (funny Facebook post)
_______I love my music loud. It makes people STFU! (awesome sarcastic quote)
_______on a scale of 1 to 10, the answer of how much would I like to meet you is NO (funniest insulting quote)
_______80 years in a life time....now math that shit up. Most people work 8 hours a day....most people sleep 8 hours a night....that leaves 8 hours of YOU time, oh wait, minus 1 hour on the way to work, and 1 hour on the way home....so 6 hours a day of free time....that translates to only 13 years of life you actually live....DISGUSTING, isn't it? (disgusting life quotes)
_______So, Barack Obama is in favor of gay marriages. This isn't surprising considering the fact that he's already f**ked us all (funny presidential debate quotes)
_______I hate it when I want a drink of water but am too lazy to get a cup so I just turn the kitchen faucet on and drink straight from the tap and then stand up and bust my scalp open on the kitchen cabinet.......again! (nice funny quote)
_______These gangsters that hang outside my place really make my neighborhood feel unsafe..... Old people can be such troublemakers! (funny gangster quote)
_______When I love someone, I love them forever and never them go.......Just ask the woman in my basement (funny quote about Love)
_______I went to the doctor today with severe headaches. He asked me if I'd suffer any memory loss. How the hell would I know? (funny memory loss quote)
_______It has been so long since I trained a puppy, I am actually gonna have to call my ex-girlfriend to see how I got her to behave in public. (funny quotes about ex)
_______You know, some of you are actually quite attractive. If I didn't read your timelines I'd have no idea why you were single. (funny quote status about single friends)
_______I like my napkin placed on my lap just so.. so it catches all my missed hopes and dreams..... (quote about hopes and dreams)
_______God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things... Right now I am so far behind I will probably live to be 200. (clever funny quote)
_______Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so. (funny living life quotes)
_______i don't like when people assume i have a heart, soul and dignity.. Misconceptions people develop.. (quotes about soul dignity)
_______In an effort to not intimidate people with my perpetual brilliance and dazzling wit, this status update is intentionally shite. You're welcome.  (brilliant funny quotes)
_______If I like your status, consider yourself hugged.... (funny romantic status)
_______If you are wondering where the funny people went I was at lunch (funny people quote)
_______My rib cage is very near and dear to my heart. (funny quote about heart)
_______I avoid apathy, boredom, doldrums, dullness, ennui, flatness, irksomeness, monotony, sameness, tediousness, tedium and weariness through the examination, inspection, perusal, review, scrutiny and study of my thesaurus. (awesome funny thesaurus quotes)
_______I just thought of something that really sucks.How are you? (best sarcastic quote status)
_______Just a note of warning: Do not forget the "L" when you google Grandfather Clock" (hilarious joke)
_______Better check up stairs to make sure (___) is not supplying the Y chromosome for your next brother (sarcastic insulting punch line)
_______I am a GREAT LEADER..........................................to the path of destruction!!! (funny leader quotes)
_______Those people that likes people comments under my posts and don't like my post......yeah you.........f the hell off!!
_______If you don't want to get it 'on', then why the hell did you make eye contact ? (funny quote about eye contact)

_______''Is it hot in here, or is it just me ?''........what I like to say when I walk into a room full of people who aren't hot. (funny hot quote)
_______I am not afraid of the storms that life throws my way for I am learning to sail my ship and I know I can seek refuge in the safe harbor of our friendship. (nice friendship quote)
_______The best thing about working tomorrow is I don't have to (funny quote for sunday)
_______‎'hello, can i help you?' No, i just stood in the line for 30 minutes to say 'Hi.' (funny help quote)
_______People who exercise often live longer, but those extra years are spent in the gym so really, what's the point (funny quote about gym exercise)
_______A girl told me I am cute like a puppy, so I humped her leg and bit her. (funny puppy quote)
_______The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. This is why I have no friends. (friends quote)
_______I post to inspire. So to the seven people who read my posts... I hope I inspired you to drop kick a midget or someone you hate, but hopefully a midget, cause that would be funnier.
_______My vodka just told me to smoke some weed, so I'm gonna... because my vodka has never steered me wrong. :) (funny vodka quote)
_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants. (funny pants quote)
_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed. (funniest inspiring quote)
_______We really need to start using this page for something more important... There are many critical issues in this world and we owe it to ourselves, to our communities, to our very SOCIETY to have intelligent discussions on relevant topics... So, with all this in mind... What's your opinion on b job ...
_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire. (quotes about LOVE)
_______I haven't got her number yet, but she likes my statuses a lot! (funny Facebook status)
_______Just sitting here quietly, looking out the window at a lone bird soaring in the sky, wondering to myself, what would happen if I died. Where would you get your witty statuses from.... (hilarious witty quotes statuses)
_______Attitude is everything. F**k off. (hilarious attitude quote)
_______So I am staying with this very beautiful one-in-a-billion girl, pretty eyes, always smiling. She cooks and cleans, makes me sammich, never argues with me. Her parents named her IMAGINARY. (hilarious imaginary girlfriend status)
_______There,they're and their are constantly being misused.to help people figure it out keep this in mind... See them hot chicks over THERE.I think THEY'RE sexy.I wish THEIR clothes would fall off   (funniest awesomest quote status for Facebook)
_______‎I always put periods in my posts... So the ladies don't feel left out and the gentleman know when to take a pause. (hilarious quote about period )
_______who over here is 36-24-36?? Coz i will be hunting you down and probably feed u McD till you put some weight..! Malnourished b!tches! (funny figure quotes)
_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar shit-monster peppered with mother f**king profanity? (witty status for Facebook)
_______Not everything I laugh at is necessarily funny. I just find it quicker and easier than explaining to people why they're complete and utter twats (best sarcastic insulting quotes)
_______A hot chick caught me watching her eat a banana, so she took a vicious bite out of it and spit it on the ground. I gave her the thumbs up. (hilarious eating a banana quote status)
_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (hilarious quote about heart)
_______I've been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it's all your fault.

65 Funny Quotes

______If I dress up for you in my little French maids outfit you'd better be prepared to play dirty.... (funny outfit quotes)

______I would be really upset if you broke one of my fingers, but on the other hand I would be okay. (Awesome funny quote)

______I want to live in a Foster home...... because they probably have tons of beer there.......because Foster's is Australian for beer....... (Foster Quotes)

______Got High!!!....Ordered Pizza!!!....then forgot who was knocking at the door 45 minutes later...... (funny Facebook status)

______Hey, ugly people who wear sunglasses.......it doesn't help ! (sarcastic tweet quote)

______I'm done poking you guys.. I just can't handle the abandonment when I poke and you disappear (poke quotes)

______Visiting the optometrist can be considered a vision quest. (vision quest quote)

______If we go to war together, I'm not taking a bullet for you. But I will comfort your hot wife at your funeral, though (funny sarcastic quote status)

______Sometimes you just have to judo chop your kid when they disrespect you in public (funny Facebook status)

______If we’re going to keep socializing after we break up then I’m going to try and hit that at least once a month… (funny socialize quote)

______"Can I crash here?" is a funny thing to say after an accident. (funny things to say)

______My friends call me the Bermuda Triangle because I can make beer disappear fast (funny quotes about Bermuda Triangle)

______I always feel sorry for the person behind me at the bottle return line (famous funny status)

______If you ever need a place to stay you can always crash here....not too sure about the 'sleeping ' part though... (funny crash quote)

______My mom always told me if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all… And all this time people just thought I was shy. (funny Mom quotes)

______The first thing I do when I wake up is whip it out & start playing with it..... how else am I gonna get better at guitar? (funny quote status about guitar)

______Debate (noun) - Used to catch defish. (debate quote)

______This strip mall isn't at all what I thought it was... Well, this is embarrassing. (strip mall quote status)

______I wrote a touching autobiography. At least that's what most of it was about (funny autobiography quotes)

______You ever been so high that you had to turn down your TV 'cause you couldn't taste your food (funny getting high quote status)

______Never sniff test chloroform while holding taser. (funny precautions)

______I know we just met and this may sound crazy, but you wouldn't happen to have your missing DVD player remote would you? (funny quotes about Carly Rae Jepsen songs)

______Behind it all I'm actually quite shy which is unusual for a pole dancer (famous funny quote)

______There sure are some ugly people in this world. I wonder what it feels like to be ugly... (awesome sarcastic status)

______My colleagues at work recently told me that I am too obsessed with Superman. Well they didn't actually tell me, Super-hearing is one of my powers. (superman quote status)

______You know you're spending too much time eating at Subway when you stop calling the ladies by their first names. You just walk in and say; "Make me a sammich b!tch!" (subway quote status)

______If you think no one likes you..... well at least you're right about something. (sarcastic tweet status)

______Many people don't know about his lesser known brother, but Jack the Rapper only assaulted women with horrible lyrics and lack of rhythm (jack the Rapper quote status)

______My friend drinks her whiskey neat. I tend to spill mine after a while... (friend quote status)

______You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........we always have trouble finding shoes that fit (funny big feet quote status)

______With a north and south pole, the fact is, the whole world is bipolar. (famous bipolar quote)

______I like half of the bi-polar jokes. (bipolar tweet status quote)

______This boy just broke up with my daughter via text. I have a question, should I throw his body in a dumpster or the woods? (breakup status)

______I'm not saying I'm having a bad week, but I put the issues in tissues (funny issues)

______I'm gonna get a tattoo of an Angry Bird, right on my middle finger. (hilarious tweets statuses)

______My husband said he was going to leave me, and my daughter said she was going to run away. These thoughts are the only thing that keep me warm at night. (funny Facebook status)

______I'm about to go out today, but before I put on my makeup I put on my favorite face cream. It's called, Oil Of Ez-Lay. (getting laid tweets quote)

______I'd like to remind all men out there that it's called "Fantasy Football" as in, you should relax because none of it really matters (fantasy football quote)

______At work during break, I sometimes stand by the coffee machine and wonder if a beautiful co-worker will come by and pour coffee over herself in slow-mo. That'll be hot! (funny Facebook status ideas)

______How much longer before all of our periods sync up? (funny period tweet status)

______Umm.....apparently using the phrase "the elephant in the room" in front of a fat person does, in fact, create an elephant in the room...... (funny phrase tweets quotes)

______"GET A LIFE!!!" Ok is there an app for that? (Life quotes,awesome life tweet)

______It's simple. My fist + your face= me happy. (sarcastic tweet, status)

______I'm not saying she's a loose woman, but she makes a huge popping sound every time she gets out of her seat. (funny tweet, status, quote)

______Fun Fact: Teenagers in the 80's were not textually active. (fun facts)

______A woman with a lot of 'Booty' is a Pirates Dream. (booty quotes)

______Just so I know, How many midlife crisis's are you allowed and do they hold up in court (funy crises quotes)

______I'm not sure why but I really get along with nerds... Nerds and hookers (famous funny tweet, status, quote)

______I hate it when I'm picking my nose while I'm driving and I hit a pothole, and my finger goes all the way up (funny one liner joke)

______I find my job very rewarding. Today I whacked my boss in the face with a swivel chair and I feel great. (funny job boss tweet status)

______Don't be shy....I won't bite...well..not too hard.. (shy quotes)

______Life was much simpler when we just had rocks as pets (quotes about life)

______If am at a party and i send u a text saying "LOL",am either telling you there's lots of liquor or lots of ladies. (LOL  tweet, status quote)

______Does slipping Rohypnol into my own drink make me look desperate (funny Qs)

______Apparently, 'a one-legged, hunchbacked, lesbian dwarf with halitosis' is not the answer my boss was looking for when she asked me who the hell I thought I was talking to. (funny boss status quotes)

______I have to say.....weed and wine compliment each other beautifully.... (compliment quotes)

______If Kristen Stewart wants to issue a public apology for something, it should have been for making the twilight movies... (funny tweet, status , quotes about Kristen Stewart)

_______whenever a facebook friend shares bad news like a divorce, illness or cancer...i try to cheer them up by hitting the "like" button and commenting 'lmao'! (LMAO quotes)

______I wanted to make a joke on Kristen Stewart. But Twilight has already been made. ;) (Jokes on Kristen Stewart )

______I cant wait to start getting head...where's my coin? (funny status ideas)

______I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I passed up the chance to take a pic next to a toilet on the side of the road. (funny Facebook Status

______My new business venture of breeding cows never took off. I was arrested for attempted murder. (funny attempted murder quotes)

______An easy way to 'have your cake and eat it' is to buy two cakes... (funny tweet)

______I vow to make fun of you and neglect you emotionally, until death do us part.

______Only loser use the drugs... said the dyslexic person. (funny dyslexia quote status)

______I swear I'm not judgmental... I just observe any & all details, while making brutally honest comments. :)  (funny judgment quote status)

______I can't wait for all this hard work to pay off. I really hope the "fruits of my labor" include strawberries...I love strawberries. (funny labour quote status)


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_____My coworker said he misses being in high school so I took his lunch money and gave him a wedgie (funny quote about coworker)

_____Barack Obama's initials are B.O. No wonder he stinks as a president (funny quotes about Barack Obama)
_____You know it's not officially considered a good night until you throw up in your mouth a little (funny quote status about night)
_____When someone bullsh!ts me I leave a real sh!t on their pillow. (funny insult quote)
_____Once upon time, bathrooms were used to take shit. Not pictures. (famous funny quote)
_____Had to break out the ouija board and hold a seance... coffee just ain't cutting it this morning! (funny bilingual quote)
_____Don't criticize me. That's my family's job. (great funny quote)
_____you scratch my back.. I will make sure u don't need to scratch yours'.. (hilarious quote status)
_____When my old posts don't receive any "Likes"... I donate them to Goodwill. (great funny status)
_____My records seem to indicate that I really need to upgrade my stereo system (funny quote status about stereo system)
_____I was doing some filing at work today and now my nails look great
_____The first thing a man notices on an attractive woman are her eyes. Then, when they aren't looking, her breasts. (famous funny quote, autocorrect)
_____ I can only speak in my "native tongue". This is why I sound funny on the phone.....I'm licking it.
_____My cell phone is the second hardest thing in my pants right now (Witty quote,the punchline)
_____I don't need to post pictures of what I do on the weekend because you already know what your mom looks like (funny quotes about your mom)
_____Something about seeing a sexy woman riding a bicycle that makes me wish my face was the seat (great funny quote)
_____Here's a tip guys. When you get angry at someone, start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat...they will never expect that. (funny inspirational quote)
_____What is so similar between facebook and my life? - Almost everyone uses it.  (Awesome     

great quote)
_____I might as well change my bucket list into my f**k it list because your mom is the only thing on it (funny yo mama quote)
_____I wish my wife went down as much as my mobile internet does (hilarious quote status)
_____If anyone is wondering' why I keep smelling' my fingers today.. it's because I can't stop touching' myself. Yeah.. it's that good. :) (creepy quote)
______I thought I stepped in dogshit turns out I just stepped on my boss (Great funny quote about boss)
______Living for what tomorrow has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away, but today I'm getting drunk. (funny drunk quote status)
______Oh, was that your status. I'm sorry I thought it was just your computer being retarded. (retarded quote,the punchline)
_____I was really dumb at school..I use to always have a hole in my pocket... or else I would have never been able to count to 6. (funny quote status about school)
_____Don't need to worry about zombies coming to my house....no brains. (funny zombie quote)
_____I typed 'Hell' instead of "Michigan" into my GPS. I still got there. (funny GPS quote)
_____My husband said she was leaving me because I overreacted too much. So I punched him in the face with a brick ! (crazy quote)
_____My last girlfriend left me because she said I had no sense of fashion. So I put on my socks and sandals and walked right out the door. (funny quote about fashion)
_____girls are so good at multitasking...my girl used the toaster while having a bath....well that's what I told the cops.  (short joke, funny inspiring words)
_____I wish my dishwasher come with instructions because I can't figure out why she's mad at me. (great funny quote)
_____I sent my wife to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later (funny status about wife)
_____I'm lying in bed thinking and worrying about insomnia. I hope I don't get it. (funny quote about insomnia)
_____Thank you facebook for the "poke suggestions". Now my brother, my cousins, my mom and several male friends have asked me... "WTF, DUDE?" (funny Facebook status)
_____Does anyone know if Peter Gabriel ever became that Sledgehammer? (funny quote about Peter )
_____
The phrase, 'I before E except after C' reminds me to take my insulin before I take ecstasy unless I've been on the cocaine.  (great funny quote)
_____Miley Cyrus is engaged.  So basically the world is coming to an end. (funny quote about Miley Crus)
_____being happy doesn't mean everything is going good. It just means, the meds are working (funny happiness quote)
_____I seriously cannot wait to see the fuckery that will be Britney Spears on The X Factor. (funny quote status about Britney)
_____I might sleep on my couch tonight only because I'm too lazy to walk the five feet to my bedroom. (lazy quote)
_____I was in the garden trying to plant some seeds but it slipped out and ended up on her leg
_____I post jokes about banging your mom so that when I really do it it wont be so shocking to you (funny yo mama joke)
_____I love when cooking directions include Take product out of microwave carefully. It will be hot. Really? Its been in there for 4 minutes. Of course it will be hot
_____your life would have been so boring if i wouldn't have been born.. :-p (funny quote about life)
_____I know I need to be more pacific..but can anyone tell me where is this Specific Ocean ?
_____Just wanted to let you know.. I'm not just liking' your posts because I'm stoned but because you're funny. Well, maybe.. cuz sometimes I lie. :) (sarcastic quote)
_____Heading to the Mall with my bullhorn... to cheer on the morning walkers.
_____I don't know why people say using Splenda is bad for you. Hell.. I don't mind this third ear on my forehead at all. :)
_____I've been paying for my son's tutoring lessons in French, German and algebra. I'm pretty sure he can say a few words in algebrarian by now (funny algebra quote)
_____Coffee in one hand and my bong in the other. F**k you, Folgers.. this is the best part of waking up. :)
_____Show me on this delete button... where I offended you. (offensive quote)
_____If you haven't noticed I'm not an English major and I don't give a fuck where my sentence ends and where it begins so f**k you. :) (insulting quote status)
_____I'm just gonna drag my butt along the carpet like a dog... and see where that gets me.
_____so my tooth needs cavity filling and hurts like crazy.. But i am broke.. So this month.. The filling will be of vodka only.. (funny vodka status)
_____Just walked into a gas station wearing ONLY shirt and shoes... The service was excellent! (great famous funny quote)
_____so i am wearing new sandals today's.. Should i behave like a 'normal girl' and update a pic..?? Tough call for me as a tomboy..
 _____That moment when you realize your pillow gets more head then you do (the moment quote)
_____Going to bed for real now. Well, mostly because all the vodka is gone. (vodka quote)
_____Nicki Minaj should release a dictionary of what all of her songs actually mean. (funny quote about Nicki Minaj)
_____Truly funny statuses are becoming rarer than rocking horse shit.


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