58 Funny Quotes

_____My coworker said he misses being in high school so I took his lunch money and gave him a wedgie (funny quote about coworker)

_____Barack Obama's initials are B.O. No wonder he stinks as a president (funny quotes about Barack Obama)
_____You know it's not officially considered a good night until you throw up in your mouth a little (funny quote status about night)
_____When someone bullsh!ts me I leave a real sh!t on their pillow. (funny insult quote)
_____Once upon time, bathrooms were used to take shit. Not pictures. (famous funny quote)
_____Had to break out the ouija board and hold a seance... coffee just ain't cutting it this morning! (funny bilingual quote)
_____Don't criticize me. That's my family's job. (great funny quote)
_____you scratch my back.. I will make sure u don't need to scratch yours'.. (hilarious quote status)
_____When my old posts don't receive any "Likes"... I donate them to Goodwill. (great funny status)
_____My records seem to indicate that I really need to upgrade my stereo system (funny quote status about stereo system)
_____I was doing some filing at work today and now my nails look great
_____The first thing a man notices on an attractive woman are her eyes. Then, when they aren't looking, her breasts. (famous funny quote, autocorrect)
_____ I can only speak in my "native tongue". This is why I sound funny on the phone.....I'm licking it.
_____My cell phone is the second hardest thing in my pants right now (Witty quote,the punchline)
_____I don't need to post pictures of what I do on the weekend because you already know what your mom looks like (funny quotes about your mom)
_____Something about seeing a sexy woman riding a bicycle that makes me wish my face was the seat (great funny quote)
_____Here's a tip guys. When you get angry at someone, start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat...they will never expect that. (funny inspirational quote)
_____What is so similar between facebook and my life? - Almost everyone uses it.  (Awesome     

great quote)
_____I might as well change my bucket list into my f**k it list because your mom is the only thing on it (funny yo mama quote)
_____I wish my wife went down as much as my mobile internet does (hilarious quote status)
_____If anyone is wondering' why I keep smelling' my fingers today.. it's because I can't stop touching' myself. Yeah.. it's that good. :) (creepy quote)
______I thought I stepped in dogshit turns out I just stepped on my boss (Great funny quote about boss)
______Living for what tomorrow has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away, but today I'm getting drunk. (funny drunk quote status)
______Oh, was that your status. I'm sorry I thought it was just your computer being retarded. (retarded quote,the punchline)
_____I was really dumb at school..I use to always have a hole in my pocket... or else I would have never been able to count to 6. (funny quote status about school)
_____Don't need to worry about zombies coming to my house....no brains. (funny zombie quote)
_____I typed 'Hell' instead of "Michigan" into my GPS. I still got there. (funny GPS quote)
_____My husband said she was leaving me because I overreacted too much. So I punched him in the face with a brick ! (crazy quote)
_____My last girlfriend left me because she said I had no sense of fashion. So I put on my socks and sandals and walked right out the door. (funny quote about fashion)
_____girls are so good at multitasking...my girl used the toaster while having a bath....well that's what I told the cops.  (short joke, funny inspiring words)
_____I wish my dishwasher come with instructions because I can't figure out why she's mad at me. (great funny quote)
_____I sent my wife to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later (funny status about wife)
_____I'm lying in bed thinking and worrying about insomnia. I hope I don't get it. (funny quote about insomnia)
_____Thank you facebook for the "poke suggestions". Now my brother, my cousins, my mom and several male friends have asked me... "WTF, DUDE?" (funny Facebook status)
_____Does anyone know if Peter Gabriel ever became that Sledgehammer? (funny quote about Peter )
_____
The phrase, 'I before E except after C' reminds me to take my insulin before I take ecstasy unless I've been on the cocaine.  (great funny quote)
_____Miley Cyrus is engaged.  So basically the world is coming to an end. (funny quote about Miley Crus)
_____being happy doesn't mean everything is going good. It just means, the meds are working (funny happiness quote)
_____I seriously cannot wait to see the fuckery that will be Britney Spears on The X Factor. (funny quote status about Britney)
_____I might sleep on my couch tonight only because I'm too lazy to walk the five feet to my bedroom. (lazy quote)
_____I was in the garden trying to plant some seeds but it slipped out and ended up on her leg
_____I post jokes about banging your mom so that when I really do it it wont be so shocking to you (funny yo mama joke)
_____I love when cooking directions include Take product out of microwave carefully. It will be hot. Really? Its been in there for 4 minutes. Of course it will be hot
_____your life would have been so boring if i wouldn't have been born.. :-p (funny quote about life)
_____I know I need to be more pacific..but can anyone tell me where is this Specific Ocean ?
_____Just wanted to let you know.. I'm not just liking' your posts because I'm stoned but because you're funny. Well, maybe.. cuz sometimes I lie. :) (sarcastic quote)
_____Heading to the Mall with my bullhorn... to cheer on the morning walkers.
_____I don't know why people say using Splenda is bad for you. Hell.. I don't mind this third ear on my forehead at all. :)
_____I've been paying for my son's tutoring lessons in French, German and algebra. I'm pretty sure he can say a few words in algebrarian by now (funny algebra quote)
_____Coffee in one hand and my bong in the other. F**k you, Folgers.. this is the best part of waking up. :)
_____Show me on this delete button... where I offended you. (offensive quote)
_____If you haven't noticed I'm not an English major and I don't give a fuck where my sentence ends and where it begins so f**k you. :) (insulting quote status)
_____I'm just gonna drag my butt along the carpet like a dog... and see where that gets me.
_____so my tooth needs cavity filling and hurts like crazy.. But i am broke.. So this month.. The filling will be of vodka only.. (funny vodka status)
_____Just walked into a gas station wearing ONLY shirt and shoes... The service was excellent! (great famous funny quote)
_____so i am wearing new sandals today's.. Should i behave like a 'normal girl' and update a pic..?? Tough call for me as a tomboy..
 _____That moment when you realize your pillow gets more head then you do (the moment quote)
_____Going to bed for real now. Well, mostly because all the vodka is gone. (vodka quote)
_____Nicki Minaj should release a dictionary of what all of her songs actually mean. (funny quote about Nicki Minaj)
_____Truly funny statuses are becoming rarer than rocking horse shit.


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56 Funny Quotes

_____I don't mean to brag or anything, but.. I'm known around the office as Cuntalicious. :) (famous funny quote)

_____My ex-girlfriend was deaf....she left me for a deaf friend of her's...To be honest, I should have paid attention to those signs. (funny deaf quote status)

_____Some people have trust issues....not me, I figure why limit it to just trust, I prefer to just have issues in general (funny trust quote)

_____Women love to drop their laundry around me... which is starting to make these family get togethers awkward  (funny awkward moment quote status)

_____I hate it when I think of something funny while in the shower and I run out to the living room to save it on the laptop and my neighbor starts yelling and screaming "what the hell are you doing here?" (short funny joke)

_____My love for aliens is beyond this planet.  (famous funny love quote)

_____The only time a woman asks me a question I care about, is when she's my waitress and is asking me about what I want to eat.  (funny women quotes)

_____How rude of FB , to notify the whole world it's my birthday except me?!  (funny Facebook birthday quote)

_____i sent a "in-relationship" request but my vibrator declined (funny relationship quote for Facebook)

_____Ladies.. please stop neglecting your elbows! Put some lotion on those before they look like dried up pencil erasers 

_____i wish i was an ugly girl.. i would have had more subjects to make posts about.. like not getting laid.   (funny getting laid quote status)

_____I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I a jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.....  (great funny quote status)

_____I drink 2 beers at a time so I can toast myself. (funny beer quote)

_____Your body is a temple.. and I'm feelin' religious. :)  (famous funny quote)

_____I was in the V.I.P. booth at the club and the last time I had that many women rubbing my thigh was at the family reunion  (hilarious quote status)

_____We used to be friends on facebook, but that was before I banged your dad.  (funny dad quote)

_____I like my womens underwear like how I like the sun.......hot, looks better going down and disappears at night   (funny women quote)

_____This weekend I hope I am as wasted as my time spent on Facebook

_____If we are just subscribe and "Like" each others statuses but aren't friends... are we having a secret Facebook affair?  (funny affair quote)

_____Weird how an attractive face is criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.  (great funny famous quote)

_____I went down on an Indian chick once and my breath still smells like curry

_____Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons....they don't have a wife to go home to or they have a wife to go home too (funny wife quote)

_____I met a girl at a bar and after a few drinks her pants dropped faster than Facebooks stock value  (funny quote about Facebook stock value)

_____Today I held the elevator door for a retard.. Oops sorry maybe i shouldn't say this word.. I meant the 'lift'  (funny retard quote)

_____The sun's out and girls are wearing skirts today. The probability of me getting laid still hasn't changed though!  (funny getting laid quote)

_____Hey dumb  Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb  (famous funny quote, the punchline)

_____When you finish reading this you will have read what I wrote when I was writing this  (dumb quote)

_____I asked a homeless guy where he was from. He said, "I'm originally from just outside

_____Do you know what goes great with having dinner on the floor... a straw to suck up the vodka you spilled next to it!

_____Well, I balanced my check book.....on the edge of the table for 3 seconds before it fell

_____I just found a $100 bill that I forgot I had. Its from the electric company and if I dont pay it tomorrow they will shut my lights off

_____I took a free test today to see how smart I am and it only cost me $5  (stupid quote)

_____Some jacka** just tripped and fell on his face. I was laughing pretty hard until I noticed I was bleeding.  (dumb quote)

_____I am either having an off day or a bunch of my friends forgot how to read  (awesome funny quote status)

_____‎"Not tonight, honey. I've got cephalgia." - Why I don't date doctors.  (funny quote about cephalgia)

_____I almost got into a car accident,because I was reading a sign that told me to keep my eyes on the road...  (awesome creepy quote status)

_____You know the reason why Adele is still at the top of the chart....lol...because no one can move her.  (funny quote about Adele )

_____behind every successful man is that word successful.  (famous quote)

_____No silly im not a whore i just look that way on facebook. Giggles  (funny Facebook status)

_____You know I'm not supposed to be talking or texting while you are driving me crazy!

_____I hate how I have to hold a fart in until my guests have to go to the bathroom....

_____Drinking is great for my health. It takes me three times longer to walk home from the bar (great hilarious quote status)

_____People at work don't like me because apparently they think I'm conceited....I doubt that's the reason tho..........its probably cuz I'm too awesome  (conceited quote)

_____There are few things in this world that can't be solved with a swift kick to the head. (creepy quote)

_____Be careful when getting set up on blind dates. Dimples and a personality is code for a 60 inch waist and schizophrenic. (be careful quote)

_____Frosty beverages, in twelve packs I buy thee, when the time is right, usually at night, I pledge to consume thee

_____Every time I see a sad, bitter, lonely old lady I want to hug her and ask "you know cats exist, right?"

_____When a guy says ”no homo” it usually is homo (funny homo quote)

_____All I want is some peace & quiet around here... you give me a piece & then I'll be quiet. :p  (awesome funny quote status)

_____I just stole a smart car... you should see all these bicycle cops behind me!

_____I am having the best f**king day; I called my Mother-in-law a b!tch and now my wife is giving me the silent treatment ... twice blessed.  (short funny joke, the punch line)

_____Sometimes I get distracted by Facebook. My wife just texted me asking what I want to eat for dinner. My response.... your mom. I am afraid to answer my phone (one liner joke)

_____I just ate salmon and now my breath smells like cat food.  In related news.. I'm still single.

_____So last year 700,212 got killed by passive smoking....personally I think that it served them good for not buying their own  cigarettes (funny statics quote)

_____Last night they threw me out of the hospital....They shouldn't have those signs which says 'Stroke patients here' (funny patient quote)

_____You think my posts suck, you should see my ransom note... just ask this elephant in my basement! (LOL quotes)

_____Before you make a wish on a star make sure its not a police helicopter


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46 Funny Quotes

_____I'm doing my best to keep up with my daily habit of positive thinking, for instance, instead of the word stalking, I prefer to use the phrase careful surveillance, it sounds so much professional. (funny stalking quote)

_____No honey, I will not cut the grass, god himself said today is a day of rest.........as I'm "working" on a twelve pack.....

_____If its an open bar, why are they getting so upset with me drinking straight from the tap? (funny bar quote)

_____I always talk to myself cause I give the best advice....

_____If your happy and you know it, get on your knees and make me happy!

_____I hate it when a woman asks me to find a strong man to open a jar for her... go find him yourself

_____I think my friends on facebook are stalking me how else would u explain them knowing when i am online.

_____Don't Ask Questions..FIND MY PANTS AND HELP ME OFF THE ROOF!!!!!!!

_____Yes mom yes... Everybody i talk to is my girlfriend

_____Some people write the most pointless status'.. like this one..

_____When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad........this may or may not be about food

_____I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

_____If I only had one wish; I would wish that my wife didn't get half of that wish.

_____I'm pretty SURE, that I would get more enjoyment out of sipping toilet water out of a shot glass, than reading YOUR posts.

_____Marriage? yeah, it's a lot like tennis.  All about the back hand baby. (funny marriage quote)

_____I hope you know that when I post about banging your mom I am only joking.I would never bang your mom in real life. She's too nasty

_____I was having such a great day..... until I logged in and saw that we were still friends.:(

_____It's awesome to see people getting better at writing coherent sentences on FB. Soon, they'll make sense too.....

_____My doctor said I have never put that many checks on someones chart in my life, you owe me a pen.

_____If you have never rear ended someone just to get their address you are NOT a true stalker (funny stalker quote)

_____I think my friend is gay. I saw him working out inside of a Jim

_____I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria

_____"I don't know how to say this." - People with lisps

_____If I'm ever on MTV cribs, I'm pointing at my computer chair and saying "this is where the magic happens"

_____Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendy's back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.

_____All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing..I was drunk had money to blow.

_____i am so stressed that i have turned forgetful.. Its a pain.. Especially for the guy whom i forgot in my basement for a week.. :-/

_____My wife has done everything to make me a better person, but after 3 years I'm divorcing her... ...Now I'm too good for her.

_____‎If I make eye contact with you and say "Good morning".. consider that a sincere "F**k You." :)

_____I think some people are really slacking here tonight, what if this was an emergency?

_____Sometimes I abuse the system, by deleting my notifications before I read them.

_____Why does everyone want me to do stuff for the love of god? I thought he was supposed to love me no matter what.

_____I "liked" YOU, sooooOooo much more.....  When I didnt even KNOW you.

_____So you're on facebook moaning about facebook, and now I'm on facebook moaning about you being on my facebook. Damn this irony! (funny facebook status)

_____Chick at work said I should attend church because I swear a lot and it would be good for me. Yeah, I told her to fuck off.
_____Just when we thought there was nothing more to like, you came along, and now there's more of nothing to like.
_____Honey you've never looked better(oh God did i just say that?)
_____If it doesn't kill me the first time... ya damn right I'm gonna do it again!!!
_____Just spent 1/2 an hour typing 2 envelopes in case you were wondering how busy I am
_____Working from home is great, but I guess when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.
_____I was pretty sure I knew everything, then someone told me "omniscient" was a real word. (funny grammar quote)
_____One of my greatest nightmares is when that girl whose status I've been liking of, start asking me why I liked it, why I liked it. (funny nightmare)
_____This new chick at work has a huge crush on me...*she hasn't received it Yet tho*
_____what would you do if i didn't know what to do but what you thought you wanted to do but didn't know what to do then why am i typing this shit.
_____How life fakes an orgasm..? My weekdays last for 6 days and weekend is for 1 day!! (funny life quote)
_____I must remember to put pants back on when I go outside to smoke....especially on the front porch.

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