24 Legendarily Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Epic Facebook statuses

______I'm not a professional helicopter pilot... but I can strap myself to a ceiling fan and spin around on the highest setting for like 45 minutes.

 

_______I always look the other way when my dog does "his business" 'cause, you know, he needs a little privacy while he pays bills and takes care of his banking and stuff.

 

_______I'm going to walk a mile in my own shoes thank you very much.

 

_______As I stood there recording my microwave meal, I suddenly realised that 'remove cardboard and film' meant something else....

 

________Too many human piñatas, and me without a bat...

 

________It's a beautiful day to go outside and stare at your phone.

 

________I tried to order "The Ultimate Dallas Cowboys Fan Guide" off of Amazon to give to a friend. A message from Amazon popped up that said "customers who bought this product also bought "How to Act Like a Total Douche for Dummies."

 

________You know you're gonna have a interesting day when you place both contacts in the same eye, and then realize that you don't even wear contacts.

 

________ENOUGH WITH THE RAINBOWS! You're gay, we get it!

 

________Jehovah's Witnesses don't like it when they ask if you have a relationship with God and you say, "Only when I'm having an orgasm''

 

 

________They say "its the thought that counts", I don't think my bank understands the concept.

 

 

________You know that feeling you get when you KNOW you are about to get laid? Can someone describe that to me? I heard it was pretty exciting.

 

________Two things that will always be there for you when you fall, the ground and the floor.

 

________where I'm from, if walks like a duck and talks like a duck, we steal it.

 

________They say a lady should look at herself in the mirror before going out and remove one piece of jewellery. For me, it was always my wedding ring.....

 

________If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.

 

________I think it's nice that we have this day to to recognize, and celebrate fools, because there are so bloody many of them.

 

________If you see a porcupine in your yard, don't panic, that's just my cat. We're not done with our acupuncture session yet, so I'd be much obliged if you'd return him.

 

________You know you're about to have an interesting day when you look out the window and see a SWAT team and TV news crews barricading off the street in front of your house.

 

________This one time... I skipped school for like 12 years.

 

________Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram

 

________To be or not to be, that is........ Not a question at all. More like an ambiguous statement. William Shakespeare was obviously smoking something.

 

________Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible...

 

________remember the time I watched you shower? ..of course you don't.

 

______If you carry on speaking after using the expression 'needless to say...', I will attempt to dislocate your jaw with my elbow.

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22 Funny Witty Hilarious and clever Facebook Status Updates

_______This one time... I curled my hair for like nine hours until I realized I was bald.

_______I have the madness all year round, not just March.

_______In a strange turn of events, my homework just ate my dog.

_______I don't always drink milf, but when I do it squirts all over me.

_______Nicki Minaj fired her makeup artist. So, if you've ever dreamed of loading blush, foundation and eyeliner into a cannon and firing it from point-blank range, have I got a job for you!

_______Sitting around with your thumb up your a$$ is a cute little sarcastic saying until it becomes your idea of a romantic evening.

_______That’s funny, my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I'm on my way home.

_______Excuse me Ma'am, I think that red nail polish you have in your front pocket, is open. You're welcome.

_______A woman got on the elevator, and said, "Going down." So naturally I started to unbuckle my pants. Apparently, that's not what she meant. She wanted me to push the button for the basement.

_______When people tell me they stopped drinking. My response is always, "Sorry to hear that."

_______I don't smoke, so every 45 min. I ask for a phone break. Fair is fair!

_______‎"Good things come to those who wait."  I call Bullshit! I've been sitting on this couch for 2 years and I still haven't found a job!

_______Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.

_______Self medication ..the reason for my happiness..

_______After all that we've been through together, the least you could do is f**k off....

_______They say that playing an instrument fosters the mind of a gifted child .. and I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at playing the spoons.

_______Women are the foundation of our society; Every foundation has to be laid...

_______In honor of International Women Day, I am going to give every woman I can a pearl necklace tomorrow, because they deserve it.

_______You know you're growing up when you stop clubbin and start pub'in. :/

_______My old lady just slapped me so hard, I thought I went blind at first. I quickly realized when she slapped me a second time, it was the Clappers that I installed all over the house.

_______This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.

_______going in for a colonoscopy soon,not that i need one,but i have looked everywhere else for the guest tv remote and it is a free exam since i turned 50 recently.

_______Sometimes I like to do amazing nice things for crappy, ungrateful people... because it pisses them off.

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16 Funny,Witty,Cool,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______I was out job hunting and I took a break at the park. Glad I did. I found your mom and she gave me one (sarcastic status)

_______Google+ is now the fannypack of the internet. (google+ status)

_______You see, I don't take orders from anyone....and that's another reason why my Restaurant is closed. (hilarious status)

_______The only time I ever go postal is when I have something to mail.

_______When I'm pissed off I like to exhale my cigarette smoke through my nose because it makes me feel like a dragon, like every moment to be exact

_______I think it's a bit unfair to call me arrogant. I'd like to see how you fare, making your way through life without a single thing to be modest about.

_______Never give up on your dreams, and never let anyone tell you there's something you can't do. Because, you know, you're already enough of a whiny little b!tch as it is. (funny dream status)

_______Avoid the awkward silence on a first date by asking her if she wants to see the coat you made from human skin (funny awkward status)

_______I hate that I'm not invited to things that I would never go to anyway. (funny hate status)

_______Nothing brings forth my creative genius more than being stuck in the middle of nowhere with a craving for a cigarette and no lighter handy. (funny genius status)

_______I'm a little worried that my crotch has been burning lately.....I guess that just means someone has been talking about it

_______I don't always post negative... but when I do, only sum of you will know the difference. (funny tricky status)

_______My wife is leaving me because I am apparently too apologetic, ........well 'I'm sorry' that's just how I am! (funny wife status)

_______This morning I asked my doctor why I still keep imagining I'm a telephone.  He wouldn't answer me.

_______Woke up late for work again... they were like "Sir, guns and alcohol are not allowed and for the last time, you do not work here!" (funny work status)

_______I don't always personalise my status updates, but when I do it's because f**k you, short-sighted early-morning jogging man. And f**k your dog too.

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