74 Funny Quotes

_______Wow!! I'm really good at making people angry... is there a job for that? (funny job quote)
_______Apparently playing "YMCA" while DJing the amputee support group dinner wasn't very well received.
_______Now I'm not saying my girlfriend is unstable, but she sat her cat down last night and made it watch a PETA video with her to show him how good his life was. (funny quote about girlfriend and life)
_______Someday I'm gonna be rich enough to have my own facebook group ;p (funny status for Facebook)
_______Did you know that if you mix Tea and coffee together, it doesn't taste like Toffee. (funny stupid quote)
_______I like to learn as much as I can about a girl before asking her out, but these nights sleeping in a tree outside her window have been rough! (funny quote about stalking girl)
_______I am so proud of myself. I have not made one typo all day. (funny typo quotes)
_______You mean the world to me, I would be so lost without you, I think about you all day, every day, you taught me what true love is, you complete me tuna fish sammich with lettuce, tomato, swiss, pickles on toast, I love you........ (funny quotes about Love)
_______I am hereby nominating myself for the Facebook Humanitarian Award... for the multitude of times I have bitten my tongue, and chose to not post a searing, apt comment in reply to some of the inane, tasteless and downright stupid posts I've encountered...  (great funniest quote status for Facebook)
_______I TRULY, don't care, if YOU, "like".... My POSTS or not..... (funny Facebook post)
_______I love my music loud. It makes people STFU! (awesome sarcastic quote)
_______on a scale of 1 to 10, the answer of how much would I like to meet you is NO (funniest insulting quote)
_______80 years in a life time....now math that shit up. Most people work 8 hours a day....most people sleep 8 hours a night....that leaves 8 hours of YOU time, oh wait, minus 1 hour on the way to work, and 1 hour on the way home....so 6 hours a day of free time....that translates to only 13 years of life you actually live....DISGUSTING, isn't it? (disgusting life quotes)
_______So, Barack Obama is in favor of gay marriages. This isn't surprising considering the fact that he's already f**ked us all (funny presidential debate quotes)
_______I hate it when I want a drink of water but am too lazy to get a cup so I just turn the kitchen faucet on and drink straight from the tap and then stand up and bust my scalp open on the kitchen cabinet.......again! (nice funny quote)
_______These gangsters that hang outside my place really make my neighborhood feel unsafe..... Old people can be such troublemakers! (funny gangster quote)
_______When I love someone, I love them forever and never them go.......Just ask the woman in my basement (funny quote about Love)
_______I went to the doctor today with severe headaches. He asked me if I'd suffer any memory loss. How the hell would I know? (funny memory loss quote)
_______It has been so long since I trained a puppy, I am actually gonna have to call my ex-girlfriend to see how I got her to behave in public. (funny quotes about ex)
_______You know, some of you are actually quite attractive. If I didn't read your timelines I'd have no idea why you were single. (funny quote status about single friends)
_______I like my napkin placed on my lap just so.. so it catches all my missed hopes and dreams..... (quote about hopes and dreams)
_______God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things... Right now I am so far behind I will probably live to be 200. (clever funny quote)
_______Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so. (funny living life quotes)
_______i don't like when people assume i have a heart, soul and dignity.. Misconceptions people develop.. (quotes about soul dignity)
_______In an effort to not intimidate people with my perpetual brilliance and dazzling wit, this status update is intentionally shite. You're welcome.  (brilliant funny quotes)
_______If I like your status, consider yourself hugged.... (funny romantic status)
_______If you are wondering where the funny people went I was at lunch (funny people quote)
_______My rib cage is very near and dear to my heart. (funny quote about heart)
_______I avoid apathy, boredom, doldrums, dullness, ennui, flatness, irksomeness, monotony, sameness, tediousness, tedium and weariness through the examination, inspection, perusal, review, scrutiny and study of my thesaurus. (awesome funny thesaurus quotes)
_______I just thought of something that really sucks.How are you? (best sarcastic quote status)
_______Just a note of warning: Do not forget the "L" when you google Grandfather Clock" (hilarious joke)
_______Better check up stairs to make sure (___) is not supplying the Y chromosome for your next brother (sarcastic insulting punch line)
_______I am a GREAT LEADER..........................................to the path of destruction!!! (funny leader quotes)
_______Those people that likes people comments under my posts and don't like my post......yeah you.........f the hell off!!
_______If you don't want to get it 'on', then why the hell did you make eye contact ? (funny quote about eye contact)

_______''Is it hot in here, or is it just me ?''........what I like to say when I walk into a room full of people who aren't hot. (funny hot quote)
_______I am not afraid of the storms that life throws my way for I am learning to sail my ship and I know I can seek refuge in the safe harbor of our friendship. (nice friendship quote)
_______The best thing about working tomorrow is I don't have to (funny quote for sunday)
_______‎'hello, can i help you?' No, i just stood in the line for 30 minutes to say 'Hi.' (funny help quote)
_______People who exercise often live longer, but those extra years are spent in the gym so really, what's the point (funny quote about gym exercise)
_______A girl told me I am cute like a puppy, so I humped her leg and bit her. (funny puppy quote)
_______The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. This is why I have no friends. (friends quote)
_______I post to inspire. So to the seven people who read my posts... I hope I inspired you to drop kick a midget or someone you hate, but hopefully a midget, cause that would be funnier.
_______My vodka just told me to smoke some weed, so I'm gonna... because my vodka has never steered me wrong. :) (funny vodka quote)
_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants. (funny pants quote)
_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed. (funniest inspiring quote)
_______We really need to start using this page for something more important... There are many critical issues in this world and we owe it to ourselves, to our communities, to our very SOCIETY to have intelligent discussions on relevant topics... So, with all this in mind... What's your opinion on b job ...
_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire. (quotes about LOVE)
_______I haven't got her number yet, but she likes my statuses a lot! (funny Facebook status)
_______Just sitting here quietly, looking out the window at a lone bird soaring in the sky, wondering to myself, what would happen if I died. Where would you get your witty statuses from.... (hilarious witty quotes statuses)
_______Attitude is everything. F**k off. (hilarious attitude quote)
_______So I am staying with this very beautiful one-in-a-billion girl, pretty eyes, always smiling. She cooks and cleans, makes me sammich, never argues with me. Her parents named her IMAGINARY. (hilarious imaginary girlfriend status)
_______There,they're and their are constantly being misused.to help people figure it out keep this in mind... See them hot chicks over THERE.I think THEY'RE sexy.I wish THEIR clothes would fall off   (funniest awesomest quote status for Facebook)
_______‎I always put periods in my posts... So the ladies don't feel left out and the gentleman know when to take a pause. (hilarious quote about period )
_______who over here is 36-24-36?? Coz i will be hunting you down and probably feed u McD till you put some weight..! Malnourished b!tches! (funny figure quotes)
_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar shit-monster peppered with mother f**king profanity? (witty status for Facebook)
_______Not everything I laugh at is necessarily funny. I just find it quicker and easier than explaining to people why they're complete and utter twats (best sarcastic insulting quotes)
_______A hot chick caught me watching her eat a banana, so she took a vicious bite out of it and spit it on the ground. I gave her the thumbs up. (hilarious eating a banana quote status)
_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (hilarious quote about heart)
_______I've been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it's all your fault.

50 Funny Quotes

_____The wife said she wanted me to do something to make her feel special, so I bought her a foam helmet (funny wife quote status)

_____I can make sandwiches while face down or on my back. just consider me the perfect woman.

_____Hey kids, it is easier to make a fake state liquor inspectors ID than a 21 year olds' ID, and a hell of a lot more fun.

_____I just opened an advice booth... and the answer is always "F**k yeah!" NEXT!

_____Kissing things better is for babies. If I'm sad you should lick me better.

_____I finally found LOVE!!! Page 803 in the dictionary.

_____I still think that if people put "what's on their mind" and were honest---statistically the most popular status update would be lust.

_____Just found out that Google searches stay on your hard drive forever.. Needless to say my PC will never be for sale.. (funny Google quote status)

_____Great news everyone, my grandma' turns 103 next month ................................. Maybe.

_____In a survey it was assessed that apparently 100% of the guys who have seen me with or without clothes wish that i should try wearing Cat-woman or super-woman outfits.. :-D

_____things you play with excessively sometimes break.. like toys.. someday it will be your p*n!s.. :))

_____i run away from alot of things in life.. Reality is just one of them..

_____Pop music wouldn't be so bad, but they want you to do so much shit. I just don't wanna "smack it up, flip it or rub it down."

_____C'mon facebook...just forty more likes and I can save that little girls life..

_____I'm not really into big b**bs, but sometimes my face is!

_____I seem to have this thing for people that annoy the hell out of me. I like to call it a b!tch slap

_____If you're getting the most incredibly smooth shave with a blade ever, put your glasses back on and take the plastic slide cap off.

______My wife says she is leaving me cuz i'm delusional and make things up. Stupid b!tch. Im not even married. (funny wife quote)

_____I just love when the girl at the pharmacy gives me head........and shoulders shampoo for my itchy scalp

_____A good mom will always make sure her kids have marshmallows ready to roast BEFORE setting daddy on fire

_____Look lady I most certainly did not see a "no masturbating " sign so could u do your freaking job and just serve me my coffee!!!!

_____When I was younger I had a 50 cent piece. Then her friend told her she isn't charging enough

_____I'm "Bi-Curious". I'm curious enough to stand bi watching two chicks...in REAL life!

_____I hate when I meet someone my age and I think they're older then me. Makes me wonder how these people see me.

_____If your mind is always in the gutter you must suck at bowling (funny mind quote)

_____How about that Time Magazine cover....yeah that kid when he's in his 20's is going to be at the bar...."Yeah, i've been on the cover of Time Magazine" 

_____Ever wanted to fry some eggs to make a sandwich but it starts to stick to the pan......so u end up with some lovely scrambled eggs!!!

_____Two things I hate worse than anything... Drunk people who misspell siht and I forget the other

_____I ate a box of cereal for dinner and now my Life is in the toilet

_____If someone does the right thing but only has one leg, does that make them a 'goody one shoe' ???

_____This status is just a test to see if anyone is paying attention to me!

_____I sure wish you would figure out if your going to deactivate your account or leave it open, I never know when to stalk you anymore!

_____I sure wish you would figure out if your going to deactivate your account or leave it open, I never know when to stalk you anymore!

_____I saw someone got both their ears pierced yesterday................I'm really shitty at darts

_____Ironic that One Direction goes both ways.

_____The older you get, the better life insurance you have, and the more my doctors tell me that I can not fly.

_____Now thats the 5th time I've had my application for the special olympics declined...it seem that there is no such thing as a giant dwarf :(

_____I saw a smart car on fire as I was driving down the highway... so I spit out the window and put it out.

_____You know all those "Terms of Service" agreements you skip over without reading... Well, you've just adopted my kids! Hey, whatever... I don't make the rules, read that sh*t next time!

_____Well work is now over and its time for me to partaaay!!...........and by that I mean read FB posts!!!

_____I just tagged you in a post and deleted it, because, I like having you wonder what I said about you.

_____Someone told me I was a very Purr-Swaying person... and I don't even own a cat or a hammock!?

_____I smoke flavoured cigarettes because regular cancer is too mainstream

_____There are times when I have more sh!t on my mind than a bug on a windshield

_____My dog is supposed to be my best friend, but that little b!tch would not give me a ride to the airport.

_____   Metaphor - somebody who gave up on meeting a ten and decided to be a bit more realistic.

_____In high school I made the polo team. I wasn't good enough to start thought so I just rode the bench.

_____Feel the curiosity rushing up your nerves as you try to figure the punch line of this post....  ...Now note the pissed off feeling.

_____I would love to have all the relationships in my life be as effective as ketchup. That sh!t makes everything taste better

_____I would eat a lot more salad if it tasted like a cheeseburger.

_____kids, dont do drugs.. Cuz you know i am possessive about my love!! (funny love quote saying)

_____they should just call it wastebook all the time wasted on it i could have read a good book (funny Facebook status)

_____my friend and his girl friend died today.. But the food in their marriage was really nice..

_____I'm angry like Hulk, but only my finger seems to be swelling from getting stuck in between the door.

_____I've got brains, courage, determination and insight. If I  would be a cute chick I would be unstoppable.

_____I think my mom enjoys the pearl necklace I give her for Mother's Day every year. But for some reason it makes my Dad so upset. (funny mother's day quote status)

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43 Funny Quotes

_____I don't get why my friend keeps talking about his "Trophy Wife". "Honorable Mention Wife" at best I think.
_____I tried to express my feelings with dance moves but no one understood me. Next time I will hire an interpreter 
_____I had somethin' good to say but.. well, I'm kinda baked. Yeah, mon! :) 
_____I was in a very committed relationship.. till my wife found out.. now.. not so much..._____My pet rock doesn't look too well today. I think he's stoned. 
_____I may not be a taxidermist but I will still mount your a** 
_____I am wearing a hospital gown and my wife is wearing a sexy nurse outfit because that is how we role-play 
_____I've found that writing 'I know you wanted to keep it a secret, but congratulations on your new baby!' on a random friend's wall really livens up a boring Wednesday night on the Net._____I post at least once a day... just to let my friends and family know I'm still alive. 
_____If you play the lotto while sitting down, you don't stand a chance. (funny lotto quote)
_____Somewhere in a parallel universe everything is side by side and the same distance apart.. (awesome funny quote status) 
_____I went to go jogging this morning, got all the way to the mailbox, and realized I was naked... and I had no where to put my cigarettes. 
_____It's a good thing that "Pokes" don't show up in the news feed... or your mom would be pissed! 
_____You guys should watch the Asian version of "How I Met Your Mother". It's a single episode called "I Met Her At Our Wedding". (How i met your mother quotes) 
_____I think it's been too long since I've gotten laid. I saw 262 clouds today and every single one looked like a you. 
_____I went to this fat lady and told her wow you're fat..she said tell me something I don't know..I told her:"salad tastes nice" 
_____I've just read a book on the tallest building in the world.......................................u should see people going all crazy trying to get me from off the top of there 
_____If you judge my personal life solely by how many Facebook event invites I receive, I look pretty f**kin' popular!!!!.... 
_____I am Mr. Right Now. True story :( 
_____I've decided that there's only one thing better than watching Nascar.......that would be not watching Nascar. (funny NASCAR quote) 
_____My boss is in a bad mood So I tried to lighten it. By holding her down and painting a white out smile on her face. It didn't work. 
_____I was beginning to get a bit drunk yesterday , at my 44th birthday party. Next year I'll stick to just the one , like everybody else 
_____why don't people stop posting their pictures in their workplace on facebook? Dear Strippers this isn't about you of course (funny stripper quote status) 
_____Bipolar????? NOOOoooooo...... I prefer the phrase "emotionally undecided". (bipolar quote status) 
_____Last night I was so high, I attempted to eat my bowl of fruity pebbles with a fork (Short jokes) 
_____I think those people that like to go out and feel the cool breeze and smell the roses and all that other nature shit ......have not yet discovered the internet and facebook!! 
_____Boss just told me I've been making a lot of bad decisions lately... I said, "It's probably just the alcohol talking." 
_____ I fell into a burning ring of fire, ya I was way to drunk for flaming shots._____All I want is a car horn that says f#ck you! 
_____I never pass up a chance to hold bees. Cuz you know, beauty is in the eye of the beeholder. 
_____Is it just me or does whenever someone says premature.....u just feel the need to quickly jump up and say 'ejaculation' 
_____Hey I didnt mean to say her nose is big ....I just meant to say that she could smoke a cigarette in the shower.
_____I should just strap my phone to my hubby's forehead just so it looks like I'm paying attention to him
_____In YOUR case, stupidity is genetic. Sooooo.... now, you really can blame YOUR parents. Hope I helped.
_____I picked up a hitchhicker for the first time today just to prove what a bada** I can be.
_____I have a friend that lost 2 legs at war, I always feel like an a**hole when I introduce him as a "stand up guy.
_____Mothers Day already? shit, I gotta think of a good gift for Mom! I mean, I know what I'm giving to your Mom on Mothers Day, but I really can't give that to mine.
_____Today at work I noticed a sign that said "Why Do You Go to Work?" Under it on the large piece of paper I wrote, "It's better than being waterboarded."
_____I am going to teach my son some of the important life lessons that my dad never taught me, and I learned the hard way. For example, do not jack into the same sock you will be wearing the next day.
_____There are no good statuses... No bad ones either... Just statuses... –Buddha
_____I completely humiliated my ex's new boyfriend. I made him look worthless, weak, and girly, like he wasn't even a man. Then I realized my ex had not arrived yet and I had wasted the whole thing ... damn premature emasculation.
______I misread my stupid lease and moved out two weeks before I had to ... I hate premature evacuation.
______Sometimes I look at the sky......marvel at its beauty.......and realize I passed out on the lawn again......
______I think it is really rude that people around here will not click "like" on my statuses just because they are not funny, clever or original.
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39 Funny Quotes

_____I tell my husband "your so handsome" He turns and tells me "you too" He so sweet. He didn't have to compliment me back, I already know I'm handsome.
_____Since arriving here on earth, I have come to the conclusion that since the beginning of time, no matter what the event was, a pair of b**bs were involved in some way.
_____Come on, come on, come here, come on... Sigh*... Come on, come on, come on, come here... Sigh* Come on, come on, come here, damn it come on, Sigh* Seriously? Will you come on!? Hurry up! Come on, come on, come here... Sigh* This is me every time I try to get my damn stupid dog to come back in the house!
_____My neighbor is very disappointed with her plastic surgeon but to be fair she did let him make all the decisions. Her mother taught her that it was impolite to pick her nose.
_____I am too nice to unfriend anyone. So I just post offensive stuff on their wall until they block me
_____LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A LITTLE FACE ON YOUR MAKE-UP THERE (funny make up quote)
_____My main goal in life is to find out what my main goal in life is. Er... that was easy (funny life quote)
_____I don't hate you..I'm in hate with you
_____For those who put their Text Massages as Facebook status.... "do you think only you are smart enough to have a Mobile Phone......??..,get a Mirror! and look how 'BIG A**' you are."
_____Roses are green, Violets are pink Rhymes are hard to find when you're colorblind.. :D
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue can I touch your butt cause I know you're gonna say you sure can do!!
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue you are so bad and i'm gonna kill you..
_____Roses are red, violets are blue... I'll kill myself and put the blame on you.
_____Hey, I haven't seen you in years...*walks away* OMG! THEY'VE GOTTEN HOT!!
_____This goes out to all the chicks out here.. I can be your facebook stalker! I can click away the pain, I'll be on your wall forever.. You can't take my mouse away.. ♥
_____Confession: I'm nt really a good speller I just type something kinda close to what I want to say and let my phone correct it (funny confession)
_____When faced with a difficult task...always find a lazy person, because they will find the easiest way to accomplish it.
_____And never start a sentence with a conjunction because that's bad grammar! (funny grammar quote)
_____Women and logic are three different thing.
_____My neighbor thinks I have been watching her. I have no idea what she stalking about
_____Migraines don't happen by themselves. They're usually coupled with obnoxious people. And having a job. (funny job quote)
_____If you won't judge me because I am single, I promise not to judge you because you've settled:)
_____Sometimes I keep Facebook open in two browsers to remind myself I'm worthless
_____My Doctor this morning:"Ever have thoughts of hurting yourself?" Me:"Nope." Doc:"Any idea why not?"
_____It's really kinda strange how my phone drops calls whenever someone calls to ask me a favor
_____Even the f**k that I don't give doesn't give a sh*t, which in turn doesn't give a f**k of its own. Questions?
_____When she said she was blowing bubbles, I had no clue that was the name of her lover. :'(
_____Whenever one of my post doesn't get any likes it makes me think you people are being judgemental
_____The temp job agency said that they found a perfect job for me! Where I could f**k strangers all day for money. I love being a gas station manager! (funny gas station quote)
_____That awkward moment where we're walking toward one another and I go left and you go right then I go right and you go left and then we laugh and I kick you in the groin and continue on my way
_____it's difficult to say what my wife does..she sells sea shells by the sea shore
_____I thought and thought and thought and thought, but I couldn't remember the past tense of "Think".
_____I think I need smarter friends. One of them asked me the other day which was closer to South Florida - Philadelphia or the moon. I said: “Duhhhh, can you SEE Philadelphia from here?!?” Idiot.
_____People who are perpetually positive, have obviously never been in a real relationship
_____Haven't even gone on a date yet and just got a text that said "Love You".. so yeah, we are so over
_____Well I'm just sitting here wishing I had something better to do than sitting here wishing
_____''OMG, your so pretty!'' -No! I'm not. (-_-) Listen b*tch, STFU & accept the compliment!
_____I'm sexy and I know it...just don't know why nobody else knows it.
_____Dear Creative team of Facebook, take a vacation. Not because I think you deserve it, but because even though it was Your Boss who approved the Timeline.. It was your a** that brought it to him. So for that, enjoy yourselves and I hope you get lost! Sincerely, not a fan.
_____Instead of a like button I wish there was a push button so I could push you right off the wall.

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34 Funny Quotes

_____I wish they put a LIKE button on the "People You May Know" notification I don't know you, I probably don't want to know you, but I like that FB thinks we should be friends (funny i wish quote)
_____Sometimes I try to extrapolate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean
_____You've got to admire the skill of pro athletes. Imagine convincing somebody to pay you a million dollars to play a game
_____Don't you just hate people who put random, vague and abusive statuses on Facebook clearly directed at an individual but without having the guts to say it to their face...You know who you are (top best funny quote)
_____I don't know about you but I get 'nervous' a lot
_____You really do believe in everything.. if you believe size doesn't matter
_____Sometimes I wish I had an INTERESTING, and EXCITING job like maybe being the person who test toys....NO, not THAT kind of toys!!!!!
_____I like to see the nervous smiles when I walk up to strangers to see if they will let me take a picture of them standing next to me.
_____Once I asked "Why do I have such bad luck with women?" And a voice answered "Because you're an a$$hole!" And I was like "Shut up mom, I wasn't asking you!" Then she's like "Then hang up the phone dumbass!"
_____I've decided that I am going to teach my c**k how to cook breakfast since it insist on being up way before me very day anyways
_____I try really hard to be as transparent as possible when dealing with women, but usually they can still see me and then I get in trouble
_____The only person who listen to both sides of an argument are the next-door neighbors. (funny neighbor quote)
_____I can't reach you from here so, do me a favor and put your hands around your neck and strangle yourself. Thanks!
_____I suspect that I only really have 6 facebook friends with 100 accounts each..
_____If a conjoined twin tells you that she loves you is the correct response, I love you too. or I love you two. ?????
_____What a weird coincidence yesterday! I asked a girl out just a second before she asked me to get out.
_____The most important and meaningful relationship you can have is the one with yourself. So if you excuse me I'm going to have "relations" with myself.
_____I take pride in never copying and pasting, or reposting, a status. Mine are all original and written by me. Which should answer your question - Why are your posts so shit?
_____naked legs are my favorite, i don't mind if the above parts are also naked
_____Trust me when I say ..... Oh never mind ... Don't trust me .... I'll fucking annihilate you if I get the chance
_____You should not trust me .. trust me (funny Trust Quote)
_____Men, there is only one thing you need to be able to please a woman...  STAMINA (funny women quote)
_____Don't say you're "addicted" to chocolate unless you have sucked a d**k to get some (funny chocolate quote joke)
_____After how many months of poking each other on facebook does it finally constitute a "relationship"? (funny relationship quote)
_____I appreciate that you have opinions, I just don't appreciate that you're sharing them with me.
_____"Nice breasts and legs, Oooh, I'd like a little of that on the side" Sexual harassment must be a tricky subject at KFC (funny KFC quote)
_____My boss looked at me and said; "please, get off of facebook and do your job!" I said; "dammit it's called multitasking........LOOK IT UP!" He said; "my God man, you're a doctor performing open heart surgery!"
_____totally ignored ... actually cuz i'm new here ... and that's how new comers are welcomed nowadays
_____i have finally accepted the fact that i have no life so suicide is no longer an option! (funny suicide quote)
_____They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but not if you take a picture of this sentence.
_____Listen honey, you may only be half my age now, but in 10 years time you'll be 2/3 my age. Stick with me and I'll teach you the power of math (funny math quote status)
_____I've got my phone sitting on my lap set to 'vibrate' in case you're wondering why I'm not answering calls right now...... But by all means KEEP CALLING.... thanks;)
_____I HATE it when girls….. have this attitude like they are prettier, smarter, skinnier and more successful than me….and they ARE (funny hate quote)
_____This status is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet (funny status quote)
_____I behaved myself once... it was a long time ago, but I'm still very proud

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____No, officer. I don't need a phone call, but could I update my fb to "it's complicated"? (funny cop quote)
_____My car broke down today. I didn't even know it was depressed :(
_____thinks she who laughs first has the dirtiest mind!! ;)
_____there is an unwritten rule that
_____The only people you'll have problems within life are the people who you allow to be problems.
_____Please, I'll only put it in for a minute and I'll remove it quickly ~ Me talking to Microwave.
_____There are 2 things that really drive me insane, hypocrites (funny hypocrites quote)
_____My wife had a day off and I came home and ask her if she thought the vacuum cleaner would run itself. That's when it hit me.
_____I hate when people tell me how to do my job,...........................especially my boss. (funny boss quote)
_____It's hard to get over a girl, especially when she likes being on top.
_____I can count my real friends on one hand and my enemies on one middle finger
_____it's just a “like”, it's not like your donating a kidney!
_____Every time you block me, I find 36 new ways to stalk you.
_____people say: "It's NOT the size of the boat, but the motion in the ocean." But, Do you really want to go to Hawaii in a dingy OR a Luxury Cruise Ship?
_____ACTING bad is a moment....BEING bad is an addiction.
_____Way to disappoint me, pretty girls with horrible teeth.
_____I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet... like my girlfriends toothbrush.
_____Whenever you use a hotel towel to wash your face try not to think about the fact that thousands of people have dried their asses with it.
_____I just watched a film casted entirely by midgets. It was pretty short. (funny midget quote)
_____If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute, you're not a good one.
_____I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. I still haven't figured out how to get them down (funny Christmas quote)
_____‎"I want you to make love to me right this minute." - every girl I've never met.
_____You're mean- says mean people.
_____Took years to admit it, but my uncle really does take the sexiest photos of me.
_____is very good at things people normally get sent to mental asylum for. ;)
_____I miss being in Love. At least that's what I think her name was. (funny love quote)

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15 Funny Quotes

____The best way to guarantee that you get that important phone call you have been waiting for is to go to the bathroom. (funny quote, stupid quote, funny status)
_____If anybody is interested, I'll be signing books at Times square  from 7p.m. till I'm removed by security. (short funny quote, funny life quote, stupid funny quote)
_____If you trip and fall hard on your behind and your own child laughs so hard they cry before asking if you're okay, then you have raised that child right. (funny quote saying, funny quote about child, funny status)
_____That banana I had for dinner last night REALLY “hit the spot”! But I don’t run web cam…so you are just gonna have to take my word for it. (funny quote about banana, funny quote life, funny webcam quote)
_____I missed a period in my last status.. thank god I’m a guy. (funny quote, great funny quote, funny quote about period)
_____I saw a guy wearing ' 8 rings. He caught me tryin' to take a pic.. and I'm pretty sure he cast a spell on me and floated away. (funny status, stupid status)
_____If the grass is greener on the other side, it's because someone has been spreading some serious bullshit around. (funny quote saying, great funny quote, crazy quote)
_____What idiot came up with the concept of "going out to work" ? (funny quote about office work, cute funny quote, funny status)
_____My thoughts may be a little manic today... but I'm too busy to put much thought into it. (funny quote saying, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I went to the doctor for a check up. He said, "How many times a week do you masturbate, roughly? "I said, "Never, I always jerk gently." (funny status, funny masturbate quote, funny doctor quote)
_____If I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME to stop flirting with me, that will make once (funny quote saying, funny beer quote, funny status)
_____It's sad how I finally poured my f**king heart out to someone special, and all she had to say was, "Do you have any idea why I pulled you over (funny quote saying, funny chick quote, funny status)
_____My wife keeps calling me a f**k up.. I keep telling her that I am not a f**k up, I am just making conversational topics for the judge. (funny status, funny wife quote)
_____Imagine that you constantly have an epiphany but then lose that train of thought. Awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing. That's what it is like to be me but they tell me that my facial expressions are golden. (Awesome funny quote, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I enjoy making relatively simple concepts confusing by using obscure analogies. A bit like riding through outer space on a llama with amnesia. (funny amnesia quote, funny status)

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