54 Funny Quotes

_____ If you are a passenger in my car and you start singing along to what ever the hell I may be listening to... I will drive that car right off a f**king cliff!

_____ My family didn't even know I was a drinker... until I went to the reunion sober!

_____ Listen lady... When I say "You're beautiful!" The correct response should be "Thank you." Not, "Why is your hand down your pants!?"

_____ Just made a wish by throwing a coin in the fountain.... Guess it didn't work, cause all these people are still staring at me in the mall food court while I take a bath!

_____ Well, I did it... I took the bull by the horns. Now I sh!t myself and walk with a limp

_____ My medicine cabinet looks a lot like my liquor cabinet... minus the medicine (funny liquor quote)

_____ Insulting me will get you nowhere... plus it makes you look like a f**ktard! (insulting quotes)

_____ I get so damn nervous when driving past a cop... I put a seat-belt around my case of beer, slam the open one, swallow the roach and do 4 miles an hour, and just smile and wave! :)

_____ The Internet has totally ruined nudity for me. :(

_____ I'll admit it, I get a little nasty every time I see a camel wearing yoga pants around their feet.

_____ Honey, I'd feel a lot better if you wouldn't chop cucumbers like that... while I'm sleeping in bed!

_____ Building for Rent is the stupidest name change I have ever heard of, for my local Blockbuster.

_____ Is it just me or does Stevie Nicks look like sh!t in that Burger King commercial?

_____ Sometimes, when I'm feeling really old school... I'll pull out a pair of gloves, and smack you across the face.

_____ Whenever someone stops and asks me for directions... I like to punch em in the face, knocking them unconscious, then drive to the liquor store, get drunk, puke in their car, drive back, wake them up and say... No. (funny drunk quote status)

______ I hate in when I see a hot girl, friend request her, text for weeks, decide to meet... and find out its my wife... again! (funny wife quote)

_____ Too many romantic movies and too few hanging ropes

_____‎"I need help".   Ok let me know if you need help - fb friends.

_____You're a f**king idiot, not to be rude or anything

_____If a girl you like rejects you,accuse her of witchcraft,and have her burned at the....no wait,this one's out of date...so nevermind

_____They are saying that the guy who is making jokes about Mark Zuckerberg's marriage will be banned from Facebook. But he is still a Mystery

_____I need a lifeguard in my life because some friends be killing me, especially the ones with bad breath!

_____Most funny people use humor to mask pain and I am no exception. All of my life I have been made fun of...for having a freakishly large organ

_____If your dad asks I was with you last night ok?

_____If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

_____The thing I like about masturbating is that it turns premature ejaculation into effective time management.

_____If having kids has taught me anything, is that it's never too early to get a Vasectomy.

_____I don't want to sound racist or anything, but I'll bet black construction paper prefers white crayons

_____Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to end anytime soon. (funny Siri quote)

_____So as I found myself drunk again on my birthday, I had to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror...then wonder why I was peeing in the sink.....again.....and what happened to my underwear anyway?

_____The only negative thing about not wearing' any underwear is.. zipper chaffage. :(

_____Looks like all the pictures of the sun in my news feed today will ECLIPSE all the pictures of talking cats (funny solar eclipse quote)

_____There was a blackout in my neighborhood this morning.He was just walking his dog but I still locked my doors

_____So there I was sitting in the restaurant having a wank..................when I thought............that's a weird name for a sandwich

_____Do they let you select your own color when they put you in a straight jacket?......asking for a friend.....

_____I missed the eclipse yesterday...... But if you cross your eyes and squint, it looks like there's an eclipse all the time.......... I'm kind of a scientist........ (funny eclipse quote)

_____my friends think so low of me.. which proves they know me well.. :-D

_____Whenever someone brags about their diet, I send a cookie request from 'bakerytown'

_____The East Coast couldn't see the solar eclipse. That is prejudice, eclipse. Prejudice. (funny eclipse quote status)

_____I asked my son if he wanted a better view of the eclipse. When he said yes I mooned him. Get it? The moon was in front of the son. Yeah he didnt laugh either (Solar eclipse quote status joke)

_____My friend is so fat the only thing that fits him at the mall is the cologne

_____They raised her up a lady but there's one thing they couldn't avoid.. ladies love biker boys! :)

_____They say that 43% of the hot chicks on Facebook are really guys thats why I only jack off to the ugly ones

_____I don't know which is gayer... This post or you liking it?

_____Well, if you didn't want me to joust your kid while riding this ostrich... then you should of took him off the f*cking playground!

_____I recently bought a guard dog and he is really awesome... I haven't been able to get into my house for 3 days now!

_____if i poke you means i like you.. if i try to kill you.. its probably love

_____My roommate said to me, Im sick of you being so lazy...just pack your bags and leave...and I was all You pack them. (lazy quote)

_____If writing statuses were an Olympic sport some of you wouldn't qualify for the Special ones (funny Olympic quote status)

_____Sometimes the best advice comes from the most unsuspected people............Just last night a hooker told me "I wouldn't lick there if I was you"

_____call the cops on me for driving over your grass with my four wheeler? Just wait to see what 50 pounds of flour does to your swimming pool.

_____I hope my online gf never finds out that there is no wife and that I'm only leaving my stuffed animals behind.

_____Don't let anyone tell "YOU" you're not good enough. Let me. Trust me, I wouldn't steer you wrong.

_____Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to go to a public place and eat a banana really slow while making eye contact with everyone. Everyone.

_____People always say its a small world but I never run into Beyonce

_____My car broke down so my wife gave me a lift to work today.................I don't know why people thought it was so strange for her to be carrying me in her arms! (funny quote status about wife)

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45 Funny Quotes

______If you wake me up while I'm sleeping, I'll lay you out like a carpet

______I hate when its this late at night and I'm sitting on the couch having a cold beer and people come in the room start questioning me like......who the f**k are u and how did u get in my house

______FINALLY figured out why you won't go out with ME....  YOU, couldn't handle me, if I came, with INSTRUCTIONS!

______When I sent out that friend request your Timeline asked me "do I know you" my answer to that is I want to. (funny timeline quote status)

______The worst part about banging a fat chick is when your dad comes home early

______Just accidentally walked into a womens restroom but I apologized to all the women inside, one by one, so everything's ok.

______Dear people who underestimate me just because I'm completely useless, totally crap, and an absolute failure at everything I've ever attempted... er... um... carry on.

_____Someone texted me Hi the other day...I finally texted them back "high" today.

_____I will be tied up having a life this evening :(  I will miss you.

_____Half a joint ago, I had a really good status in my head..and now I have no idea what it was.

_____The weekend is here but remember Monday comes faster than a nerd during a lap dance (funny monday quote)

_____Hope for the best, prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse.... 

_____I bet Helen Keller would do well in a blind taste test (funny Helen Keller quote)

_____my doctor recommended me to try a drink called water.. Any idea wtf is that, i forgot!!?? :-?

_____What is really sad? When the only thing smart about some people is either their mouth or their phone!

_____Being in a relationship depends on one basic question.... Do you wanna be happy or right? (funny relationship quote)

_____If beauty wasn't as important Disney would have instead made "sleeping great personality" and "great personality and the beast" (funny Disney quotes)

_____ People who make food puns donut make me laugh

_____I saw my friend's name on a milk carton the other day. It isn't easy being named Skim.

_____I want to use instagram but I really shouldn't do drugs, besides I have a runny nose.

_____I just want to thank everyone who still understands a post with a typo. You guys are real class acts... and for those of you who point them out... Flunk you!

_____I don't believe in the statement same ol' shit, different day. My shit is different everyday; different shape, different color, whoever came up with that statement did not know shit.

_____Why do people who wear a TAPOUT Tshirt get mad when I put them in a choke hold?

_____I'm a very impatient doctor. I always run out of patience whenever a patient of mine dies

_____If you Google the word tardy you won't see a picture of me. I was late to the photo shoot.

_____Nobody likes me, nobody wants to be my friend, nobody wants me around...all I want is a little acceptance. ~Pain maybe.

_____Once my teacher told me You are such a loser and you will get nowhere in life if you can only count to ten!....you shouldve seen his face today when I told him that Im a boxing referee now.

_____There's a woman where I work that wears too much makeup, has big shoes and tries to be funny. I'm pretty sure she has Clowns Syndrome? (funny Clown quote)

_____I know a lot about a woman from the way she walks...like If she walks away she's definitely not into me

_____I think people who wait until halfway into their turn to put the turn signal on should not overreact when I pass them and slam on the brakes

_____I was going to post a picture of what I ate last night but Facebook doesn't allow nudity

_____If "b!tch" was a profession, I would know a lot of successful people.........

_____i prefer "high" as an important concept in all my relationships.. one night stands is a relationship too..!

_____I like my women how I like my toilet, able to take a lot of sh!t from me.

_____Complete and finished are very similar.. If you connect with the right person you're complete, the wrong one and you're finished!

_____I was looking at a crucifix and I remembered, I need to do something about this hangnail

_____So now your dying of cancer huh, well I don't think being a stupid asshole is exactly "cancer" but we don't argue semantics.

_____The only thing that's hot when I pleasure myself in the shower is the water.

_____yesterday was Cinco de Mayo.For many people today is Toileto de Puko

_____Dear Youtube, I let your videos load 100%, then I make it full screen and it starts over, WTF!! (WTF quote status)

_____So this is what being single feels like? Damn I miss this shit!! WoOoHoOo

_____Well, it took me a few hours, but I eventually found a woman in the club who would give me head for a Klondike Bar.

_____After being on Facebook for hours, I will find myself wanting to click like on things I encounter in the real world ... Mostly cleavage

_____Yes I've lost weight......if you find it I don't want that sh!t back.

_____It took my Asian girlfriend the entire song to figure out how to back that thang up.

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43 Funny Quotes

_____I don't get why my friend keeps talking about his "Trophy Wife". "Honorable Mention Wife" at best I think.
_____I tried to express my feelings with dance moves but no one understood me. Next time I will hire an interpreter 
_____I had somethin' good to say but.. well, I'm kinda baked. Yeah, mon! :) 
_____I was in a very committed relationship.. till my wife found out.. now.. not so much..._____My pet rock doesn't look too well today. I think he's stoned. 
_____I may not be a taxidermist but I will still mount your a** 
_____I am wearing a hospital gown and my wife is wearing a sexy nurse outfit because that is how we role-play 
_____I've found that writing 'I know you wanted to keep it a secret, but congratulations on your new baby!' on a random friend's wall really livens up a boring Wednesday night on the Net._____I post at least once a day... just to let my friends and family know I'm still alive. 
_____If you play the lotto while sitting down, you don't stand a chance. (funny lotto quote)
_____Somewhere in a parallel universe everything is side by side and the same distance apart.. (awesome funny quote status) 
_____I went to go jogging this morning, got all the way to the mailbox, and realized I was naked... and I had no where to put my cigarettes. 
_____It's a good thing that "Pokes" don't show up in the news feed... or your mom would be pissed! 
_____You guys should watch the Asian version of "How I Met Your Mother". It's a single episode called "I Met Her At Our Wedding". (How i met your mother quotes) 
_____I think it's been too long since I've gotten laid. I saw 262 clouds today and every single one looked like a you. 
_____I went to this fat lady and told her wow you're fat..she said tell me something I don't know..I told her:"salad tastes nice" 
_____I've just read a book on the tallest building in the world.......................................u should see people going all crazy trying to get me from off the top of there 
_____If you judge my personal life solely by how many Facebook event invites I receive, I look pretty f**kin' popular!!!!.... 
_____I am Mr. Right Now. True story :( 
_____I've decided that there's only one thing better than watching Nascar.......that would be not watching Nascar. (funny NASCAR quote) 
_____My boss is in a bad mood So I tried to lighten it. By holding her down and painting a white out smile on her face. It didn't work. 
_____I was beginning to get a bit drunk yesterday , at my 44th birthday party. Next year I'll stick to just the one , like everybody else 
_____why don't people stop posting their pictures in their workplace on facebook? Dear Strippers this isn't about you of course (funny stripper quote status) 
_____Bipolar????? NOOOoooooo...... I prefer the phrase "emotionally undecided". (bipolar quote status) 
_____Last night I was so high, I attempted to eat my bowl of fruity pebbles with a fork (Short jokes) 
_____I think those people that like to go out and feel the cool breeze and smell the roses and all that other nature shit ......have not yet discovered the internet and facebook!! 
_____Boss just told me I've been making a lot of bad decisions lately... I said, "It's probably just the alcohol talking." 
_____ I fell into a burning ring of fire, ya I was way to drunk for flaming shots._____All I want is a car horn that says f#ck you! 
_____I never pass up a chance to hold bees. Cuz you know, beauty is in the eye of the beeholder. 
_____Is it just me or does whenever someone says premature.....u just feel the need to quickly jump up and say 'ejaculation' 
_____Hey I didnt mean to say her nose is big ....I just meant to say that she could smoke a cigarette in the shower.
_____I should just strap my phone to my hubby's forehead just so it looks like I'm paying attention to him
_____In YOUR case, stupidity is genetic. Sooooo.... now, you really can blame YOUR parents. Hope I helped.
_____I picked up a hitchhicker for the first time today just to prove what a bada** I can be.
_____I have a friend that lost 2 legs at war, I always feel like an a**hole when I introduce him as a "stand up guy.
_____Mothers Day already? shit, I gotta think of a good gift for Mom! I mean, I know what I'm giving to your Mom on Mothers Day, but I really can't give that to mine.
_____Today at work I noticed a sign that said "Why Do You Go to Work?" Under it on the large piece of paper I wrote, "It's better than being waterboarded."
_____I am going to teach my son some of the important life lessons that my dad never taught me, and I learned the hard way. For example, do not jack into the same sock you will be wearing the next day.
_____There are no good statuses... No bad ones either... Just statuses... –Buddha
_____I completely humiliated my ex's new boyfriend. I made him look worthless, weak, and girly, like he wasn't even a man. Then I realized my ex had not arrived yet and I had wasted the whole thing ... damn premature emasculation.
______I misread my stupid lease and moved out two weeks before I had to ... I hate premature evacuation.
______Sometimes I look at the sky......marvel at its beauty.......and realize I passed out on the lawn again......
______I think it is really rude that people around here will not click "like" on my statuses just because they are not funny, clever or original.
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_____I tell my husband "your so handsome" He turns and tells me "you too" He so sweet. He didn't have to compliment me back, I already know I'm handsome.
_____Since arriving here on earth, I have come to the conclusion that since the beginning of time, no matter what the event was, a pair of b**bs were involved in some way.
_____Come on, come on, come here, come on... Sigh*... Come on, come on, come on, come here... Sigh* Come on, come on, come here, damn it come on, Sigh* Seriously? Will you come on!? Hurry up! Come on, come on, come here... Sigh* This is me every time I try to get my damn stupid dog to come back in the house!
_____My neighbor is very disappointed with her plastic surgeon but to be fair she did let him make all the decisions. Her mother taught her that it was impolite to pick her nose.
_____I am too nice to unfriend anyone. So I just post offensive stuff on their wall until they block me
_____LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A LITTLE FACE ON YOUR MAKE-UP THERE (funny make up quote)
_____My main goal in life is to find out what my main goal in life is. Er... that was easy (funny life quote)
_____I don't hate you..I'm in hate with you
_____For those who put their Text Massages as Facebook status.... "do you think only you are smart enough to have a Mobile Phone......??..,get a Mirror! and look how 'BIG A**' you are."
_____Roses are green, Violets are pink Rhymes are hard to find when you're colorblind.. :D
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue can I touch your butt cause I know you're gonna say you sure can do!!
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue you are so bad and i'm gonna kill you..
_____Roses are red, violets are blue... I'll kill myself and put the blame on you.
_____Hey, I haven't seen you in years...*walks away* OMG! THEY'VE GOTTEN HOT!!
_____This goes out to all the chicks out here.. I can be your facebook stalker! I can click away the pain, I'll be on your wall forever.. You can't take my mouse away.. ♥
_____Confession: I'm nt really a good speller I just type something kinda close to what I want to say and let my phone correct it (funny confession)
_____When faced with a difficult task...always find a lazy person, because they will find the easiest way to accomplish it.
_____And never start a sentence with a conjunction because that's bad grammar! (funny grammar quote)
_____Women and logic are three different thing.
_____My neighbor thinks I have been watching her. I have no idea what she stalking about
_____Migraines don't happen by themselves. They're usually coupled with obnoxious people. And having a job. (funny job quote)
_____If you won't judge me because I am single, I promise not to judge you because you've settled:)
_____Sometimes I keep Facebook open in two browsers to remind myself I'm worthless
_____My Doctor this morning:"Ever have thoughts of hurting yourself?" Me:"Nope." Doc:"Any idea why not?"
_____It's really kinda strange how my phone drops calls whenever someone calls to ask me a favor
_____Even the f**k that I don't give doesn't give a sh*t, which in turn doesn't give a f**k of its own. Questions?
_____When she said she was blowing bubbles, I had no clue that was the name of her lover. :'(
_____Whenever one of my post doesn't get any likes it makes me think you people are being judgemental
_____The temp job agency said that they found a perfect job for me! Where I could f**k strangers all day for money. I love being a gas station manager! (funny gas station quote)
_____That awkward moment where we're walking toward one another and I go left and you go right then I go right and you go left and then we laugh and I kick you in the groin and continue on my way
_____it's difficult to say what my wife does..she sells sea shells by the sea shore
_____I thought and thought and thought and thought, but I couldn't remember the past tense of "Think".
_____I think I need smarter friends. One of them asked me the other day which was closer to South Florida - Philadelphia or the moon. I said: “Duhhhh, can you SEE Philadelphia from here?!?” Idiot.
_____People who are perpetually positive, have obviously never been in a real relationship
_____Haven't even gone on a date yet and just got a text that said "Love You".. so yeah, we are so over
_____Well I'm just sitting here wishing I had something better to do than sitting here wishing
_____''OMG, your so pretty!'' -No! I'm not. (-_-) Listen b*tch, STFU & accept the compliment!
_____I'm sexy and I know it...just don't know why nobody else knows it.
_____Dear Creative team of Facebook, take a vacation. Not because I think you deserve it, but because even though it was Your Boss who approved the Timeline.. It was your a** that brought it to him. So for that, enjoy yourselves and I hope you get lost! Sincerely, not a fan.
_____Instead of a like button I wish there was a push button so I could push you right off the wall.

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35 Funny Quotes

_____If people dont like my likes, then likes wont get liked by my liking
_____SCIENTIFIC FACT: if you delete your Facebook account, you will reactivate it within five business days. Don't FUQ with science! (funny science quote)
_____Whenever you feel like you're useless, just remember ..... I told you first and I deserve some credit, Damn It!!!! (funny useless quote)
_____I'm proud of all of you guys that gave up drugs and alcohol. I don't want to hang out with you, but I'm proud. (funny drugs quote)
_____I don't understand those abbreviations can someone tell me what the f**k does 'wtf' mean? (funny wtf quote status)
_____I have nothing sarcastic to say. Besides f**k you
_____If you are not so happy with life, Come join us on Google+. We'll make you forget you ever had one. (funny Google+ Quote status)
_____Hey...Don't listen to what these bastards tell you. You're ugly and don't let anybody tell you any different. (funny ugly quote)
_____I am also a non computer person...I am more the Facebooky type...and yes they are words.
_____"I've been all over the world baby! Egypt, Paris, Cuba, Moscow." This is what I said in the club last night. "Google is a powerful search engine." This what I didn't say last night in the club. (funny club joke status)
_____The fact that most of my profile photos are a bit provocative. ....only means don't judge a book by its cover a$$holes.
_____I didn't mean to offend anyone tonight. I was only trying to have fun....but if I did offend you, please....go f**k yourself.
_____At first i thought you were talking shit then realized you were stating facts. Carry on. (shitty quotes)
_____I was investigating a terrorist who was telling me that he kills people because nobody cares about other people! He said his next plan was to kill 4000 people and a donkey, I said y the fucking donkey, he said that's what I'm fucking talking about!!
_____Christ, these people at the mall act like they've never seen a guy masturbating in the fountains before
_____Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 10 times... you're probably my Girl Friend (girl friend status quote)
_____I have been posting here for almost a year and not one of you has a racist comment or joke on me. Quite frankly I'm offended and will be packing my bags and taking my elephant elsewhere
_____How to save the WORLD! Step 1:open a folder and name it "WORLD"  Step 2: then Save it
_____If you and I were equal, I would have to subtract you from the equation. (funny math quote)
_____If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to give each and every one of you absolutely nothing. (funny lotto quote)
_____This waitress is unbelievably sexy and man look at that luscious mouth and piercing eyes and killer body and the way she masterfully handles and twists that pepper grinder like she really knows what she's doing.... Oh! When! When! This is gonna be a spicy meal, can I have extra water? (funny waitress)
_____I don't know why people make such a big deal about me drinking alcohol in a taxi. I just wish they would sit there and shut up until I drop them off (funny taxi status quote)
_____It's been a while since something warmed my heart. But just about every day somebody makes my blood boil. (funny heart quote)
_____Sometimes I don't know where I've been, sometimes I don't know where I'm going....And sometimes I don't know where I'am at.
_____Next time someone ask me where I'm from, especially after accepting their friend request and you can clearly see all that info on my page I'm just going to tell them that I'm from my mom & dad and I've cum a long way!
_____I fear everybody on here is actually one single person logged into multiple accounts simultaneously. (funny social networking)
_____I look at the pics online and realize i wear too much clothes.. I should change the homepage to some non-prono website
_____If I write a status and you make a witty comment which gets more likes..trust me I will hunt u down and kill you!
_____Just because I can't play guitar...and I don't have a beautiful voice....doesn't mean you shouldn't have to listen to my shitty poetry about how life isn't fair (funny life quote)
_____When someone says to me"I need to ask you something" I think of all the bad things I've done recently
_____I was going to remove a bunch of lame statuses that didnt get any likes but I dont know your password
_____People say that i don't know how to express myself but I don't agree with them so I tell them "You are right."
_____Just finished my morning exercise routine I did 4 sit ups in bed to hit the snooze button! Tomorrow we will go for 5!
_____Many people come to me and they say, "Hey!".. then they just walk away.
_____I wanted to go for a run but couldn't. It started to rain. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse either. I just didn't want to get wet...well not in that way at least.

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