49 Funny Quotes

_____My friends are like a box of Cracker Jacks. The nuts are my favorite

_____Holy shit, John Travolta? No wonder why you're such an awesome dancer. (funny John Travolta quote status)

_____Sometimes I talk to myself and laugh because I'm just that hilarious (hilarious quote)

_____i dont get it - females these days are becoming teen moms or they maintain themselves too well.. !! :-/

_____Totally forgot that there is no auto correct when hand writing, doubt the boss is going to like my report!!

_____Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop. Though I prefer acid....

_____I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me...moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'.

_____They say you should never go to bed angry. But then they say if you have a problem, you should sleep on it, so how does that work?

_____I don't care if you know what I did last summer, just tell me what the hell I did last night!!

_____The best thing to do to look Happy is to make everyone around you look miserable.. Magic

_____I like my boss like I like my alcohol…Shot

_____it's so pathetic that we have to work for money to buy important stuff that we need to survive.. i wish barter system would still work... cuz i can offer to perform a snake dance for some beer... :-)

_____I would never sell my soul to the Devil. But I'm pretty open to leasing it to him.

_____This bed is far too comfy to get out of to pee... ahhh.... I feel better (lazy quote)

_____either be mine.. Or you shall not see the sunshine.. ~ romantic talk with the guy in the basement ;-)

_____When I told you I liked you better au naturale I didn't mean without makeup.. I meant without clothes.. so umm... Not to sound rude but before the latter could you perhaps fix the former? yeah... Ill miss her.

_____Men. I have all secrets on how to woo a woman. Rule 1. Stop trying to woo more than one at a time.

_____It's a shame I don't have a reflection in the mirror because I'm so pretty.

_____Great. If gays can get married they won't have time to plan straight weddings.

_____an eye infection due to sperm in the eye is cumjunctivitis

_____sometimes I hear a voice telling me to stop drinking. Found out during an ultrasound, it was my liver.

_____your face isn't anything a bottle of tequila cant fix

_____I might find my soulmate if I actually had a soul

_____When I post a status and get only two "likes", it really pisses me off to have a friend steal it and get 20. I think I need a better class of friends!

_____Sarah jessica parker was so cute when she was only a pony (funny Sarah Jessica Parker quote status joke)

_____I always do what makes me happy..........whether its right or wrong............or legal

_____It may be the alcohol talking, but you are sexy as hell!!. Wait, yup, its the alcohol

_____I guess haha you clutz! was an insensitive response to my friends story about how he lost his leg.

_____If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces........ they always seem to attract trouble

_____Sometimes, I like to go to T.G.I. Fridays on Sunday and get sh*t faced... just to prove that us real drunks still exist.

_____I carry redbox movies in my purse for weeks...thug life

_____I would make a post about having a drink but I don't drink so screw you! (that's the alcohol talking)

_____I am so clever sometimes........ Just wish other people were around when I am..

_____I suck at saying goodbyes...thus is why I stalk

_____I cant make you love me, but I can sure as hell test the restrictions on that restraining order.

_____I wish they would make, "faces of death" where you could choose the face.

_____I met a beautiful girl last night. She was quite a squirter. So what if she was squirting pepper spray. It still counts

_____I must taste freakin' awesome! My dog wont stop licking me!

_____ Be careful what you wish for. One time I was going on a date and I wished that she would want to have kiss. She did want to...just not with me

_____Better late than never................ Period probably.

_____If you don't like peeing alone, get a dog.

_____You can't put a value on a human life, but my wife's life insurance company made a pretty fair offer.

_____The doctor told me that I should watch my waist line, so I put it out where I could keep an eye on it. (funny Doctor quote status)

_____Don't be silly, of course I don't hate you,if I hated you, I wouldn't make fun of you.....

_____I got a tattoo of the Facebook logo on my arm and now my arm doesn't work....

_____My grandpa is insisting on buying a guitar.. I think he's gonna start a new genre of music.. "near death metal"

_____i only work so i can earn money.. Money for all my bills.. Like beer, joints, friends, pizza and gadgets...  Am i forgetting anything..??

_____My doctor tries so hard to be hip. I was being examined for a bad case of compacted fecal matter in my colon, and as he looked at the results he proclaimed that shit is tight! (funny doctor status joke)

_____Useless scientists !! They say smoking weed causes short term memory loss......next they will be saying that smoking weed causes short term memory loss ...

_____I will always be nice to you but only because you have pictures of me naked.. O_O

_____a school teacher is always drunk..so we call her high school teacher

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47 Funny Quotes

_____You are so vain I bet you always know which way the wind is blowing.

_____Someone dared me to post this and I know it wont get many likes but I am gonna do it any way

_____I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger.  and that was the most natural ingredient in this Burger (funny McDonald quote status)

_____I know it's difficult to see things from my point of view, with your head stuck so far up your a**
_____Did you know why the midget didn't get the joke? It was over his head.  (funny midget status)
_____Out of all the theories on arguing with woman; it seems that no one works. (funny women quote)
_____Gosh!, You are SO attractive, turn around and let me get a look.... Mmmn mmmmm, give it a little shake, uh hu... THAT'S THE STUFF dreams are made of baby~ Me in front of the mirror every morning..
_____Well, it's 5:00 p.m here, so I guess it's time to get out of bed and head to the couch....I almost missed my nap! (funny nap quote)

_____If you are gonna share a link with me make sure its a hot one

_____Your posts are so good that I like them twice. What?? Well, it's not my fault that after the first like, it changes to 'Unlike'

_____why is it so necessary to take a shower every year?

_____If you think your loud car stereo makes you a bad a** why do you turn it down like a b!tch when you see a cop? (funny stereo quote status)

_____Don't be mean to me... It's Saturday.

_____the way your profile pic keeps looking at me....i don't know whether to be creeped out or turned on.

_____I have three credit scores and they are all the same: No money, No money, No money. (funny credit quote status)

_____I ask my buddy to give me a hug and he tells me he doesn't do hugs with guys. What the f**k! Look if you think i'm gonna kiss you then DREAM ON

_____Never...ever...ever...wake a sleeping woman!!!!!!! Because then she'll be awake and wanna talk

_____I was told never to throw the first punch, I was also told that I really suck at counting.

_____i feel like changing my display picture to the real me.. but than i dont want to increase my stalkers and/or break your high expectations ;-)

_____I was talking to this beautiful woman earlier today. She said she was surprised I didn't have a girlfriend because I seemed like such a great guy.....then I sneezed in her mouth and the mystery was solved.

_____Studies show that people who like my posts have an above average IQ

_____Sometimes when I see people badly in need of my help, I just wish I was Superman, that way I wouldn't give a flying f**k!

_____I was in London this morning when a Japanese man approached me."Please......Can you take?" he said, handing me a camera.As he sat on the wall smiling, I got into a taxi and thought, "What a nice feller."

_____I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree you can just call me and I'll probably still tell you to f**k off anyways

_____YouTube is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them.. Whatt the f**king Shitt!! In person!

_____What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and shit? (funny Eminem quote status)

_____Am i the only person who wonders what would happen if I microwave something live? Like a cat or mouse.

_____I overheard some women at the store complaining about the fact that she was getting older and how wished she could stay 39 forever so I walked up to her and snapped her neck.

_____my friend texted me saying what would you recommend as a good book to read.... I replied the Dictionary

_____I'm like a physicist in bed. The more aerodynamic a woman curves the greater the resistance. (funny physicist quote)

_____I ALWAYS believe in giving people second chances….because it is MUCH easier to make someone miserable when you are together!!

_____So I was awake whole  night trying to figure out what Insomnia is (funny insomnia quote status)

_____My low self-esteem sucks almost as much as I do. (funny self esteem quote)

_____All it takes is 10 minutes without Internet to prove my total uselessness as a person

_____No one is born as a leader, situations make them an a**hole.... I mean leader. (funny leader quote)

_____I just accidentally toasted bread that was toasted already.....am I now a re toaster!!

_____first day at yoga class, they told me 'no drinks allowed'.. I couldn't leave my glass unattended.. Hence i and my vodka walked out!! (funny yoga vodka quote status)

_____I got a call today that said my neighbor was involved in a hit and run...I told them that I'd be at the hospital as soon as I get my front bumper repaired

_____The last time a Wednesday was a hump day, was 15 years ago before I said "I do" (funny hump day quote)

_____Although never intentional, I always end up making great speeches on random topics while taking a dump. (funny brag quote status)

_____I'm tired from all this procrastination... so I'm just going to sit here and think about taking a nap.

_____I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it

_____What did I do last night? I climbed a mountain and wrestled a tiger. What do you think I did? I f**ked my hand and fell asleep.. WTF! ;)

_____I find the fact that some people don't have a Facebook account highly suspicious

_____But officer she said make it rain!!!  sir you pissed on her head ... And ladies and gentlemen this is the reason Im not back allowed in the strip club

_____I love everyone...I love women...I love my friends...I love to punch stupid MFers in the face...

_____My boss said she likes seeing me hard at work... so I'm taken my pants off to try and get a little ahead!

_____My girlfriend wore so much perfume that I stuck her in a clay pot and set fire to her hair. She was incensed.

_____I was just about to write something inspiring but then I stopped and realized I am not that kind of person!

_____I prefer 77 over 69 cuz you get eight more....

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45 Funny Quotes

______If you wake me up while I'm sleeping, I'll lay you out like a carpet

______I hate when its this late at night and I'm sitting on the couch having a cold beer and people come in the room start questioning me like......who the f**k are u and how did u get in my house

______FINALLY figured out why you won't go out with ME....  YOU, couldn't handle me, if I came, with INSTRUCTIONS!

______When I sent out that friend request your Timeline asked me "do I know you" my answer to that is I want to. (funny timeline quote status)

______The worst part about banging a fat chick is when your dad comes home early

______Just accidentally walked into a womens restroom but I apologized to all the women inside, one by one, so everything's ok.

______Dear people who underestimate me just because I'm completely useless, totally crap, and an absolute failure at everything I've ever attempted... er... um... carry on.

_____Someone texted me Hi the other day...I finally texted them back "high" today.

_____I will be tied up having a life this evening :(  I will miss you.

_____Half a joint ago, I had a really good status in my head..and now I have no idea what it was.

_____The weekend is here but remember Monday comes faster than a nerd during a lap dance (funny monday quote)

_____Hope for the best, prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse.... 

_____I bet Helen Keller would do well in a blind taste test (funny Helen Keller quote)

_____my doctor recommended me to try a drink called water.. Any idea wtf is that, i forgot!!?? :-?

_____What is really sad? When the only thing smart about some people is either their mouth or their phone!

_____Being in a relationship depends on one basic question.... Do you wanna be happy or right? (funny relationship quote)

_____If beauty wasn't as important Disney would have instead made "sleeping great personality" and "great personality and the beast" (funny Disney quotes)

_____ People who make food puns donut make me laugh

_____I saw my friend's name on a milk carton the other day. It isn't easy being named Skim.

_____I want to use instagram but I really shouldn't do drugs, besides I have a runny nose.

_____I just want to thank everyone who still understands a post with a typo. You guys are real class acts... and for those of you who point them out... Flunk you!

_____I don't believe in the statement same ol' shit, different day. My shit is different everyday; different shape, different color, whoever came up with that statement did not know shit.

_____Why do people who wear a TAPOUT Tshirt get mad when I put them in a choke hold?

_____I'm a very impatient doctor. I always run out of patience whenever a patient of mine dies

_____If you Google the word tardy you won't see a picture of me. I was late to the photo shoot.

_____Nobody likes me, nobody wants to be my friend, nobody wants me around...all I want is a little acceptance. ~Pain maybe.

_____Once my teacher told me You are such a loser and you will get nowhere in life if you can only count to ten!....you shouldve seen his face today when I told him that Im a boxing referee now.

_____There's a woman where I work that wears too much makeup, has big shoes and tries to be funny. I'm pretty sure she has Clowns Syndrome? (funny Clown quote)

_____I know a lot about a woman from the way she walks...like If she walks away she's definitely not into me

_____I think people who wait until halfway into their turn to put the turn signal on should not overreact when I pass them and slam on the brakes

_____I was going to post a picture of what I ate last night but Facebook doesn't allow nudity

_____If "b!tch" was a profession, I would know a lot of successful people.........

_____i prefer "high" as an important concept in all my relationships.. one night stands is a relationship too..!

_____I like my women how I like my toilet, able to take a lot of sh!t from me.

_____Complete and finished are very similar.. If you connect with the right person you're complete, the wrong one and you're finished!

_____I was looking at a crucifix and I remembered, I need to do something about this hangnail

_____So now your dying of cancer huh, well I don't think being a stupid asshole is exactly "cancer" but we don't argue semantics.

_____The only thing that's hot when I pleasure myself in the shower is the water.

_____yesterday was Cinco de Mayo.For many people today is Toileto de Puko

_____Dear Youtube, I let your videos load 100%, then I make it full screen and it starts over, WTF!! (WTF quote status)

_____So this is what being single feels like? Damn I miss this shit!! WoOoHoOo

_____Well, it took me a few hours, but I eventually found a woman in the club who would give me head for a Klondike Bar.

_____After being on Facebook for hours, I will find myself wanting to click like on things I encounter in the real world ... Mostly cleavage

_____Yes I've lost weight......if you find it I don't want that sh!t back.

_____It took my Asian girlfriend the entire song to figure out how to back that thang up.

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22 Funny Quotes

____I listen to stranger's conversations and give my opinion... "does this dress make my butt look big?" "no but your butt makes that dress look big!" (best funny quote, status, joke)
_____Forget about wanting a *dislike* button added to Facebook. I want the ability to toilet paper someone's wall. (funny Facebook status)
_____I wish I lacked confidence & talent so I could become successful by kissing people's a$$e$ instead of working hard & earning it. (hilarious, witty quote)
_____I'm very concerned by the fact that I actually understand, and can somewhat relate to, the things you people are saying.(funny quote of the day)

_____You know how sometimes you spit while running and it’s perfectly normal? Well the guy on the treadmill next to me was annoyed (funny quote, joke)
_____A gallon of fuel cost more than my Crown and Coke at the bar, The world has now officially gone to hell. (top funny quote, hilarious status)
_____as long as its not in my a$$, I simply DON'T CARE! (hilarious ,witty quote, funny joke)

_____Please stand back I am a professional. I am a humor status specialist. (top funny quote, funny status, short joke)
_____I don't care if you call me a narcissist.. at least we’re talking about me (funny quote, status)
_____My status would be a lot funnier if I could do it in another font. (funny status, quote)
_____My doctor asked me if I was a heavy drinker.

Me: No.... I only buy a 6 pack 4 times a day.... it's lighter to carry that way.  (short funny joke, funny status)

_____I can never remember- is it two pills three days a week or three pills twice a day. Labels. (best funny quote , hilarious status)
_____If you're paying a penny for my thoughts you're paying way too much. (awesome funny quote)
_____I'm not 'unemployed', I just have earning difficulties. (funny unemployment quote , status)
_____You can't be ugly and mean...Be ugly and jolly or a gorgeous bi**h. (hilarious witty quote, joke)
_____Don't hate on me....because I have the balls to speak my mind (best funny quote)
_____Two things in this world speak of how many loads they can handle... Laundry detergent and pornstars. (witty quote, short joke)
_____The way this fly is rubbing its hand together I'm sure it's planning something evil  (witty quote, hilarious status)
_____I've found that left-handed people just aren't right  (funny quote)
_____I've been watching the TV for the past three hours... I think it's time to turn it on.. (funny TV quote)
_____This status is based on actual facts: you're an a$$hole  (witty quote, hilarious status)
_____Nothing reminds me how often I'm wrong more than the question "Guess what?!"  (awesome funny quote, best status, joke)

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21 Funny Quotes

____The probability of me having a Good Night is equal to the probability of you wishing me a Good Night.. (funny quote)
_____I don't care to date the most beautiful woman in the world.. I want the woman who makes the world the most beautiful to me (top funny quote, short joke)
_____‎3 Advice for Life

1- never be afraid to say what's on your mind

2- never be afraid to do what's on your mind

3- never take life advices from a facebook status .............. (funny status)
_____I want you to sensually harass me......... (best funny quote, status)
_____I'm nothing like a cat... I have 5 facebook accounts but no life     (funny Facebook status)
_____It would be great that before going to bed life asks us if we want to save the changes.... (funny life quote, status , joke)
_____I made many mistakes in my life recently..If you don’t hear from me soon... you are one of them (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____Just got some awesome wheels for the car! Gas is to high to drive it but I can only imagine how cool I'm gonna look when I push it to town. (Funny gas quote, status, joke)
_____I Always make sure to click like on my pics and statuses... I also enjoy a great self high five. (funny high five quote, status)
_____I have to go to court for stalking pretty girls like you - pick up line I will never use again..... (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____If I'm in a bar and a girl asks me where the bathroom is, I just point to my face and wink at them. (funny bar status, short joke)
_____It's physically impossible to be a sack of shit and a piece of shit at the same time. One must always choose wisely. (funny shit quote,status, joke)
_____Today I am thankful for involuntary hospitalizations and psychiatric nurses with no professional boundaries... (funny medical joke, quote, status)
_____Someone once asked me what I thought of apathy, I told them I don't much care for it. (funny apathy quote, status, joke)
_____I'm going to start carrying around a note book shaped like an eye. I've always wanted an Eye Pad.. (funny iPad quote , status)
_____I'm a gentleman. I'll file the restraining order myself.. (funny quote, hilarious status)
_____Girl at the grocery asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I replied "I don't care, I'm bisacktual". (witty quote)
_____girls don't listen to me, which is really frustrating when I'm trying to tell one that we're meant for each other. (best funny quote, witty status, short joke)
_____When my ex left me, she had a lot of junk in the trunk......it was all mine and now I don't have a trunk :( (funny ex quote, hilarious 
status)
_____  If you can't read my misspelled jokes and incorrect punctuated statements then too bad ....I'm still laughing. (funny status, joke)
_____My sense of humor is bein' shaped by people I never have to meet.. I wouldn't have it any other way. (funny quote status)

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20 Funny Quotes

____I'm so hot while cleaning the house I make the floor wet. (funny quote, funny status)

____Its 2:30 you know what that means? That's right... Its no longer 2:29...... (funny time quote, short joke)
_____I did everything on my to do list today. It started with nothing & ended with nothing & I did it all. (funny daily quote, funny joke)
_____A girl can go from a perfect 10 to a modest 4 by taking off her over sized sunglasses. (funny quote, funny status)
_____Well, I have more cavities than I thought....... those customs agents do a pretty thorough job :( (funny custom agent quote,joke)
_____You can tell a lot about a person by putting little video cameras throughout their house. (funny quote, funny status)
_____I don’t have trust issues, I just don’t trust you. (funny trust quote, hilarious status)
_____I was told to always speak my mind...but I was also told if I don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Do you see my problem here? (top funny quote, funny status)
_____This day couldn't possibly get worse - me, right before being called to work urgently, being pulled over by a cop for "accidentally" showing him the finger, and updating this status instead of using my one phone call to call my lawyer. (funny daily status, joke)
_____Today, I decided to face all my problems head on.. therefore unblocking everyone previously blocked. Let the games begin. (funny status, funny Facebook quote)
_____There is not ONE person reading this, right now, who doesn't need some sort of therapy (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____The thing about dignity and self respect is I don't have either, which is why I'm on f**king Facebook.. (funny Facebook quote)
_____Serious WARNING : Objects in pants are larger than they appear.......... (best hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____The dedication to work is inversely proportional to square of the distance to the deadline. (funny work quote, awesome quote)
_____I can't believe people still read the newspaper to find out how f**ked up people are.. I just log into Facebook. (funny Facebook quote, funny Facebook status)
_____My girlfriend asked me if I love Facebook more than I love her...I said, I'm sorry, but I don't talk to people who don't like my statuses. (funny Facebook quote, Funny Facebook status)
_____So. I got the boys together last night for a game of poker...........she was such a great sport. (hilarious quote, hilarious status)
_____‎2012 will be the end…of that theory (top funny 2012 quote, best funny quote)
_____Most people don't pay my bills so I don't give a shit about what most people do.  (funny bill quote, funny status)
_____My typical day: 1. wake up 2. realize I have so much to do I don't know where to begin 3. spend the rest of the day on Facebook....... (funny Facebook quote, Funny daily quote)
_____If being a friend was a job… you’re fired (funny friend quote, funny work quote)

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19 Funny Quotes

____A mind is a terrible thing to waste. A dirty mind is terrible thing to hide :D (funny mind quote, hilarious quote, funny status)
_____I guess the biggest reason why every other driver out there pisses me off so much is that I am the best driver in the world. (funny driver quote, funny quote, funny status)
_____I wish I could Google anything. I'd search "WHERE THE HELL IS MY I POD?" and it would be like "UNDER THE COUCH YOU DUMB A$$" (hilarious quote, funny Google quote, funny iPod quote)
_____‎"My pen ran out".........."Well go on, you better chase after it.. (best funny quote, top funny quote, joke)
_____I know my profile pic/avatar makes me look like a douchebag a**hole. That's intentional. (hilarious funny quote, funny avatar quote)
_____Its amazing how traffic splits when you're firing your weapon out the window. (top funny quote, best funny quote, funny status)
_____Dear girls who are in a 'complicated relationship. Cut that shit out and be with me (funny relationship quote, funny status, joke)
_____I just read somewhere that smoking pot causes amnesia and some other things I can’t seem to remember. (funny amnesia quote, funny status, joke)
_____If you really want to impress them at your job interview. Give them the sense of importance when they are talking to you and finish all of your sentences with "or some shit like that". (funny shit quote, status , joke)
_____Life shouldn't be about seeking other peoples acceptance and approval! Don't you agree?...DON"T YOU? (funny life quote, top funny quote, funny status)
_____Ever have a day when you wake up and just wanna punch something?..........My brother hates those days... (funny daily quote, funny status, short joke)
_____someone called me old fashioned from a rotary phone.......... eh talking about me duh ..... (funny rotary quote, best funny quote, funny fashion quote)
_____I never question authority because it's quite clear that they don't have a freaking clue. (funny authority quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____If you've ever blamed your attitude on your zodiac sign.. then it's written in the stars for you to step in front of a moving  train. (funny attitude quote, funny zodiac quote, funny star quote)
_____My toilet is half full............................... optimistic plumber (top most funny quote, funny toilet quote, best funny quote)
_____I experimented with drugs so much that my hypothesis of why.. eventually had an outcome of why not. (funny drugs quote, funny status, joke)
_____People who believe that children are our future should also know that some of them are already pregnant and will soon have children of their future. (funny children quote, funny future quote, joke)
_____I love sitting on my couch and playing scrabble....and by "scrabble" I mean "with myself."  (funny scrabble quote, top funny status)
_____Everyone doesn't copy paste status' you know..... some just reads carefully, then types it in. (funny status, best funny status, funny quote)

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17 Funny Quotes

____Every woman needs a guy to listen to her problems.. and it's usually her gay friend. (funny gay quote, funny woman quote)
_____Nothing says 'my job sucks' more than being a door-to-door salesman who sells doors. (funny quote, funny status, top funny quote)
_____Instead of working hard, I like to make hard things work. just saying... (top funny quote, best funny quote, stupid quote)
_____If your tormented by insecurities being my friend is strongly ill advised. (best funny quote, top funny quote, awesome funny quote)
_____If I left you out in traffic, it's either because I'm feeling generous, or someone saw me forcing you into my van. (funny quote, funny status , funny joke)
_____Obviously he's a good businessman, his face is advertised on a bus bench. (funny business quote, top funny quote)
_____I am currently attempting to enjoy the simpler aspects of life because the complexities of life are too confusing to contend with and quite frankly they suck balls. (funny life quote, top funny quote)
_____Any time some one ask me if I have a minute to spare I always sigh and look back at my phone. (top funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____I went to my Girl and gave her flowers and a diamond ring and she had the nerve to tell me "who are you?" (funny love quote, top funny quote, best funny status)
_____Learning the difference between an exotic dancer and an erotic dancer could save you from getting eaten by a python. (funny quote, funny dancer quote, funny status)
_____From now on I will never let my heart make decisions for me, I'm going to let my twisted mind run this show! (funny heart quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____I accidentally said “LOL” today. I think I deserve to be shot. (funny lol quote, best funny quote)
_____One of my teachers told me "repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition" was the best way to learn. I had to have her repeat that for me. (funny teacher quote,top funny quote)
_____I'm going to give cyanide or arsenic as a wedding gift from now on. You know... something she can use later on. (funny quote, funny status)
_____I am not equipped to handle other people's tantrum ... I am too busy throwing my own! (top funny quote, funny status)
_____It was 2 years ago on this date when I did something, I think. (funny life quote, top funny quote)
_____I got my mind on my muffin and my muffin on my mind.

I know.. you're f**kin' shocked, right? ;p (funny quote, funny status, funny joke)

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16 Funny Quotes

____Son, cleavage is like the Sun, you can see it but you cant stare at it. (hilarious funny quote, witty quote, witty status)
_____ the power of the lottery....it actually gives people hope... that is more powerful than the president. (funny president quote, funny daily quote, funny lottery quotes)
_____When you try the "pull my finger" joke with security agents at the airport, they pull the "this guy needs a full cavity search" joke. (funny security joke, funny status)
_____If any of you are stalking me, can you please tell me where I LEFT MY F**KING KEYS? (funny status, hilarious status)
_____One night does not a relationship make..so get out and stop talking about a connection. We connected last night, and the connection broke after the second coming. (funny Facebook status, witty status)
_____Here in Mississippi  we say “here in Mississippi” a lot (funny Mississippi quote)
_____Walks on the wrong side of the road just so i can see what hit me. (funny quote, Stupid funny quote, crazy funny quote)
_____The world needs dirty talking telemarketers. (funny telemarketer quote, joke)
_____What about a shoulder tattoo that says: 'legs go Here' (funny tattoo quote)
_____I once killed somebody with kindness. It was an accident, I swear! (funny quote, awesome funny quote)
_____This day has REALLY tested my patience, and when I say "tested my patience", what I'm trying to say is SOMEONE FIX ME A DRINK. (funny patience quote, funny drink quote joke)
_____Massage oils & candles may aid "the mood", but open flame & oil can also lead to burnt pubic hair which apparently kills "the mood" (funny massage quote, stupid funny status)
_____If this church service goes much longer, I'm totally shattering my Angry Birds record! (funny church quote, funny angry bird status)
_____I am not looking for queen of my heart right now, just a girl in clear heels who likes to do naughty things. (funny heart quote, funny love quote)
_____If you're looking for someone with absolutely nothing to offer, well....I'm your man. (funny quote, funny status)
_____Today the world's most hardest question came to my mind...Should I feel sorry for the people that know me or the people that don't? (best funny quote, funny world quote)

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14 Funny Quotes

____I wonder why actors can’t act clean and sober? (funny quote, quote about actors)
_____I am really sick of thinking and worrying so from now on I shall be mostly drinking and forgetting (funny quote, drinking quote)
_____I really need to workout tomorrow, but then again, so do you. Look at yourself. (funny quote, witty quote, hilarious quote)
_____‎'hold it together'! - me talking to my zipper on my pants (funny quote, funny status)
_____You should like this status because all your wildest dreams will come true. (funny status, funny quote about status)
_____I don't mean to sound easy but, please use me whenever you want. ........Sincerely, ............................punctuation (funny quote about punctuation, top funny quote)
_____Lost a lot of faith in humanity tonight...........Someone got offended from my post. We're doomed. (funny status, funny quote)
_____If at first you don't succeed then your a failure....go stand in the corner loser. (funny quote, hilarious quote, witty quote)
_____It’s so weird how your voice controls my middle finger. (funny quote about middle finger, witty quote)
_____I saw a sign on the way to the shop today it said, "Draw Bridge A Head"...I didn't have a pencil...so I kept driving. (funny quote of the day, top funny quote, awesome funny quote, happiness quote)
_____Don't hate me becose I'm gorgeous....hate me cuz I sit around in my underwear on the computer all day and lie about how gorgeous I am.  (top funny quote, best funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____Making people scratch their head and say "what the hell", just another service I provide. (funny quote, funny quote about employment, crazy quote)
_____Anybody has some statuses I can borrow?? I want to feel how to be lame. (funny status, funny quote)
_____Remember: There's only one you, and for some of you, I thank GAWD that's true. (funny quote, daily funny quote, funny status)

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13 Funny Quotes

____The first person who heard "you look like a monkey and you smell like one too" - must have been really pissed on their birthday. (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote)
_____Lawn darts are more fun when you throw them overhand...at traffic. (funny quote, daily funny quote, funny status)
_____I am a master Facebook event planner - someone probably (funny Facebook status)
_____My psychiatrist told me I have to take stronger medicine to get rid of the voices in my head.. I think he is just jealous I have more friends than he does who talk to me all the time. (funny quote, funny joke, funny status)
_____‎"You can't have your cake and eat it too." -~People who obviously don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake. (funny quote, crazy quote, hilarious quote)
_____If I was going to commit suicide I would jump off a building with a boom box playing "Believe it or Not I'm Walking on Air. That would at least give the people down below a smile. (funny quote, happiness quote, funny status)
_____Just got an text from a woman. She says her vibrator has challenged me to a duel. (witty quote, hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____I am going on a date with a girl I met on Facebook. I warned her that she better look like her profile photo, or she's buying me beer until she does. (funny Facebook status, funny quote about Facebook)
_____Sometimes it's fun working with golfers. I get to hear things like "I was stroking my balls" and it makes me giggle. (funny quote, funny quote about golf, witty quote)
_____I didn't call your mom a whore..... well..... Okay I did, but that was before I realized she really was one. We're cool now right? (witty quote, hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____I don't like threats unless I'm the one making them. (funny quote about daily life, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____There is a fine line between a social hobby and insanity, some of you may have crossed that line. (funny quote, stupid quote, funny social quote)
_____You know your reputation precedes you when the cops taze you before asking for your license and registration. (funny quote about cops, hilarious quote, awesome funny quote)

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12+ Funny Quotes

_____People say I have no taste... I don't take any notice of them...I still like you ... (funny quote, love quote, happiness quote)
_____I turned on answering machine in my phone... But I still don't know what to ask it.. (funny quote, stupid quote, crazy quote)
_____NO, I did not call you FAT! I asked, "how many cows had to die to make your leather pants 4 or 5?" Don't be so sensitive lady! (funny quote, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____When someone types Haa Haa, on a post, I can never tell whether their being sarcastic or your actually laughing :-/ (funny quote, crazy quote, stupid quote)
_____There's a good reason why we are not dating, because you keep saying "No" (funny quote, crazy quote, love quote)
_____You look okay ....depending on the light (funny quote, stupid quote)
_____I signed up for a college class studying black holes...................It's not what I thought it would be a about. (funny quote, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____I am more broke than the f***ing government. (funny quote, stupid quote)
_____Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life. (funny quote, crazy quote, daily quote)
_____It's terrible how much people starts hating you just because you mix up the words "lmao" and "heartfelt condolences". (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote, crazy quote)
_____Someday I'd like to be able to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.  (funny quote, funny quote about job and boss, hilarious quote0
_____No officer...... It's not "bribery" if that $10 bill was stuck to the back of my license..... finders keepers sorta' thing... uh. (funny quote, daily funny quote, hilarious status)
_____why do women always open their mouths when they put on mascara? Is there some invisible d**k or something that goes along with it?  (funny quote, crazy quote, stupid quote)
_____if it looks like a douchebag, and acts like a douchebag, chances are it is my ex-girlfriend. (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote)
_____I just crossed "have an epiphany" off my bucket list because I just don't know what the hell that is and I'm too lazy to Google it. (funny quote, funny status, crazy quote)
_____I like status updates from men and women. I guess I am Bi-Statusable. (funny status)

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10+ Funny Quotes

____It's a good thing that real life isn't a musical because my boss would hear me singing about doing nothing all day. (funny quote, daily quote, daily life quote)
_____I can only imagine how bored that guy was when he invented the jump rope. (funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer. (funny quote, funny status, best funny quote)
_____Girls do get better with age........ when they go from 17 to 18 and 20 to 21. (funny quote, hilarious quote, lol quote, hilarious status)
_____If you don't like it, you have two choices. You can get over it or get! (best funny status, top funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____When I went to college my mum told me to get a lot of sleep and go to all my classes. I managed to do both! Simultaneously. (funny quote, daily life quote, hilarious quote, funny status)
_____Ponderable: If you have 50 odds and ends on a shelf, and you break 49 of them, are you left with an odd or an end? (funny quote, awesome quote, funny status)
_____I still haven’t figured out a way to compliment a woman’s lips without it being obvious where I want them. (hilarious quote, hilarious status, top funny quote)
_____I spend most first dates asking a girl about the street she grew up on & her first pet's name so I'll at least have access to her passwords. (funny status, hilarious status)
_____Next person to call me short will be kicked in the butt!!!....That's all I can reach anyways. (funny quote, hilarious quote, top funny quote)
_____I'm the f***in king of pre-mature good byes at the workplace. (top funny quote, best hilarious quote)
_____The nice part of putting something funny on Facebook is that you don't have to hear the people who have annoying laughs.(funny status, hilarious status)
_____I don't tell people to go to hell, because I don't want to have to deal with them after I die. (funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____I can afford the alcohol to support my drinking problem, it's the stupid legal fees that break the bank. (funny status, funny quote)
_____Spending 20 minutes trying to spell callisthenics also counts. (funny quote)
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