52 Funny Quotes

_____I don't like it when my wife calls me names..........she knows my name is --------..but for some reason 'names' is what she prefers to call me!!!!

_____ i really like my men as i like my pets... alive and begging to be released... :))

_____If you will give an elderly rabbit a viagra, he will die....didn't you hear that saying 'Old rabbit die hard' (funny viagra quotes)

_____I liked my dad's wife a lot more back when she was just my mom's best friend... 

_____with all these comebacks i am coming up with.. my mood is getting better and better.. obviously yours is going bad to worst..

_____i go for 1/2 hour yoga session.. And sleep 3 hours after coming home.. Cuz you know my body needs resting (funny yoga quote)

_____I don't ever want any of you to take offense at me asking you to kiss my butt, It's all tongue in cheek fun

_____No one cares about your problems. Take your clothes off

_____I wish I was still a baby sometimes cause my widdle fist would fit right into someone eye socket and plus I could get away with punching people.

_____My girlfriend says she wants to start seeing other people....................reasonable enough.....considering how long she's been locked up in my basement!!!!

_____i am not always correct......but when i am not..... o am still f**king right!!!!

_____When the f**k are they gonna figure out how to fax a beer.:/

_____I kill mosquitoes with my bare hands... So yeah, I'm gang ready.

_____I can honestly say, I have no desire to wear clothes around you.

_____I love how my car goes from 0 to 60 in 2.5 minutes.

_____I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat (funny tyre quote)

_____Whenever I'm at work I like to stay on facebook all day just to see all of my friends who are wasting time (funny Facebook status)

_____I accidentally dropped my ink pen in the toilet today..darn thing writes like absolute crap now.

_____Hit a skateboarder with my truck, he was ok, then read his shirt "Skate or Die"... So I backed over him!

_____Use other people's stuff carefully, especially when they don't know that u're using it.

_____Facebook android app is slower then shit...takes 17 mins to see a lame ass photo of food that was posted 2 hrs ago. Epic fail. (funny android quote)

_____most times i find it is my sober activity that is highly inappropriate.

_____I just opened my credit card bill and everything around me died.

_____I hope this cop don't pistol whip me sober... I've worked to hard to get this drunk and steal his car.

_____Her Brown Eye has tunnel vision........ ;-)

_____I never got beat as a child. The hell is still in me.

_____It would be nice if once in a while Alex Trebek overrode the time clock and just read the final clue....

_____I don't understand these "Slow Children" signs.......If they're really slow, I'll see them coming with plenty of time to react!!!...

_____The girl I met at the bar must of been a magician because when she texted me that she was pregnant I disappeared (funny magician quote)

_____I leave all the tough decisions in life up to my magic 8 ball and the answer is always Stop doing so much cocaine

_____It's raining/snowing/sun shining.......I can't wait to update my status and alert all my friends who don't have any windows! (funny status)

_____I wake up people in the wee hours of the morning so I can flip them the early bird.

_____My feet are killing me from wearing these stripper heels all day . And I'm not even a stripper !!........Respect. (short joke pun)

_____It doesnt matter if the glass is half empty or half full as long as Lupita washes it when I am done using it

_____Sometimes I wonder how many awesome prizes I've missed out on winning simply because I'm too lazy to enter the code under the Coca-Cola bottle cap.

_____Having romance and tellin your friend over the phone that you're in the middle of something isn't totally a lie (funny romantic quote)

_____This status was constipated until everyone liked the shit out of it

_____i cant believe people are so always pretending to be someone else.. Have i ever go ahead and claimed to be superman?? Noh.. Coz i am Batman..!! (funny batman quote)

_____For people I don't really love: <NO3

_____I went to town on those beautiful breasts and magnificent thighs, now what shall I do with this greasy box? - me after a 5 piece chicken dinner from KFC (funny KFC quote)

_____That awkward moment when you spent hours trying to remember that one good joke to tell your friends... and you punch up the mess line!

_____I tried to rob a train old school, but they didn't have any money, so I shot the horse... Now I don't have any money, and I'm stuck with a horse with a gun shot wound. :(

_____Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so.

_____After all the times people have said I was boring it's nice to hear today that the police have classified me as a person of interest.

_____I think it's fair enough to say that 1 out of one hundred eye drops landed in my eye at one time.

_____I just got a request from my son who doesnt know this is me. Hope he likes my jokes about banging his mom

_____i get many pokes a day... But yours' is always special... ; )

_____I am working on a Bruno Mars parody. Here is a sample. I want to be a billionaire so freaking bad. I'll bang your mom and you can call me dad. Pretty good so far right? (funny Bruno Mars quote)

_____I'm logging out.... then, I'll wipe and flush. No worries, I'll keep FB open, during the process.

_____Ok no more jokes tonite about your mom. I have to take a shower before she gets here (your mom quotes)

_____Next time you get mad at your mom inbox me her address. (your mom quotes)

_____Just got back from my High School reunion... I celebrated by staying home, getting drunk and burning my yearbook page by page! (funny reunion quote)

_____I wish everything in life was as easy as your mom (your mom quotes)

_____The other day, I helped my neighbor clean his yard, I took all his split wood and burned it for him

_____Bad news, the vicar of my local church died today of Organ Failure, half way through the Sunday service the organ fell on him (funny organ)

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______If you wake me up while I'm sleeping, I'll lay you out like a carpet

______I hate when its this late at night and I'm sitting on the couch having a cold beer and people come in the room start questioning me like......who the f**k are u and how did u get in my house

______FINALLY figured out why you won't go out with ME....  YOU, couldn't handle me, if I came, with INSTRUCTIONS!

______When I sent out that friend request your Timeline asked me "do I know you" my answer to that is I want to. (funny timeline quote status)

______The worst part about banging a fat chick is when your dad comes home early

______Just accidentally walked into a womens restroom but I apologized to all the women inside, one by one, so everything's ok.

______Dear people who underestimate me just because I'm completely useless, totally crap, and an absolute failure at everything I've ever attempted... er... um... carry on.

_____Someone texted me Hi the other day...I finally texted them back "high" today.

_____I will be tied up having a life this evening :(  I will miss you.

_____Half a joint ago, I had a really good status in my head..and now I have no idea what it was.

_____The weekend is here but remember Monday comes faster than a nerd during a lap dance (funny monday quote)

_____Hope for the best, prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse.... 

_____I bet Helen Keller would do well in a blind taste test (funny Helen Keller quote)

_____my doctor recommended me to try a drink called water.. Any idea wtf is that, i forgot!!?? :-?

_____What is really sad? When the only thing smart about some people is either their mouth or their phone!

_____Being in a relationship depends on one basic question.... Do you wanna be happy or right? (funny relationship quote)

_____If beauty wasn't as important Disney would have instead made "sleeping great personality" and "great personality and the beast" (funny Disney quotes)

_____ People who make food puns donut make me laugh

_____I saw my friend's name on a milk carton the other day. It isn't easy being named Skim.

_____I want to use instagram but I really shouldn't do drugs, besides I have a runny nose.

_____I just want to thank everyone who still understands a post with a typo. You guys are real class acts... and for those of you who point them out... Flunk you!

_____I don't believe in the statement same ol' shit, different day. My shit is different everyday; different shape, different color, whoever came up with that statement did not know shit.

_____Why do people who wear a TAPOUT Tshirt get mad when I put them in a choke hold?

_____I'm a very impatient doctor. I always run out of patience whenever a patient of mine dies

_____If you Google the word tardy you won't see a picture of me. I was late to the photo shoot.

_____Nobody likes me, nobody wants to be my friend, nobody wants me around...all I want is a little acceptance. ~Pain maybe.

_____Once my teacher told me You are such a loser and you will get nowhere in life if you can only count to ten!....you shouldve seen his face today when I told him that Im a boxing referee now.

_____There's a woman where I work that wears too much makeup, has big shoes and tries to be funny. I'm pretty sure she has Clowns Syndrome? (funny Clown quote)

_____I know a lot about a woman from the way she walks...like If she walks away she's definitely not into me

_____I think people who wait until halfway into their turn to put the turn signal on should not overreact when I pass them and slam on the brakes

_____I was going to post a picture of what I ate last night but Facebook doesn't allow nudity

_____If "b!tch" was a profession, I would know a lot of successful people.........

_____i prefer "high" as an important concept in all my relationships.. one night stands is a relationship too..!

_____I like my women how I like my toilet, able to take a lot of sh!t from me.

_____Complete and finished are very similar.. If you connect with the right person you're complete, the wrong one and you're finished!

_____I was looking at a crucifix and I remembered, I need to do something about this hangnail

_____So now your dying of cancer huh, well I don't think being a stupid asshole is exactly "cancer" but we don't argue semantics.

_____The only thing that's hot when I pleasure myself in the shower is the water.

_____yesterday was Cinco de Mayo.For many people today is Toileto de Puko

_____Dear Youtube, I let your videos load 100%, then I make it full screen and it starts over, WTF!! (WTF quote status)

_____So this is what being single feels like? Damn I miss this shit!! WoOoHoOo

_____Well, it took me a few hours, but I eventually found a woman in the club who would give me head for a Klondike Bar.

_____After being on Facebook for hours, I will find myself wanting to click like on things I encounter in the real world ... Mostly cleavage

_____Yes I've lost weight......if you find it I don't want that sh!t back.

_____It took my Asian girlfriend the entire song to figure out how to back that thang up.

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