73 Funny Quotes

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

41 Funny Quotes

_____I'm very good at graphic design and calligraphy, and I have certificates in biochemistry, biology, quantum physics, math and rocket science to prove it.
_____They say: "the freaks come out at night". This is why I stay indoors until it's dark. I don't want to screw up the eco-system. (freaking quote)
_____Please let me know if and how, I offended you in any of my postings. It makes it a lot easier to target those weaknesses for up-coming posts
_____It's stupid how some people break into a song out of nowhere, I swear sometimes it's like I waited my whole life for this one night, Its gonna be me you and the dancefloor.
_____If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, then give me a call. I'll reaffirm that for ya
_____Sometimes I feel guilty if there is a comment on a status that has no likes while the rest of the comments have several. So...if I like your comment and nobody else does...it's more than likely a 'sympathy like'.
_____I hate to say I told you so, because I have a lisp and it sounds stupid.
_____You know, when I'll have children I'm gonna force them to watch the movie 2012 and tell them I fuggin survived this whole movie !! (funny 2012 movie quote status)
_____That awkward moment when you post inspirational thoughts on Facebook… and your comments are filled with: “That’s deep!”, “Who hacked into your account?”, “I don’t get it.”, “Did the aliens get you?”, “Drink another one!”, “Where’s the punch line?” etc… (awkward moment joke)
_____My boss suggested me to start the presentation with something funny and practical.... So I attached my salary slip on the very first slide.
_____It takes *time to understand women.  *FOREVER
_____If I write your name on my notebook, that means I like you. If I write it in blood, that means I love you to death. (funny love quote)
_____Keep your friends close, and your enemies oh, hey! I didn't even see you there! How are things? Good, good.
_____Why is it whenever someone in here calls someone stupid, I assume they are talking about YOU? (funny offensive quote)
_____I don't mean to brag, but I was just surfing the net, and I found out that there are several single women in my area dying to meet me.
_____I got on my jogging suit, tennis shoes, headband, pedometer, and bottle of water, I'm ready...to get on the computer and do some facebooking...ooooh, what a workout.
_____I see your name written in the stars. Actually, when I "connect the dots" it spells out "f**king b!t*h." Close enough.
_____I just found out it takes exactly 14 frozen potatoes thrown from 200 feet to completely destroy my neighbor's shed.
_____The iPhone 5 is like constipation. Stop waiting for it. It ain't gonna happen. (funny iPhone quote status)
_____Why do women live a longer, better and peaceful life? Cuz women don't have a f**king wife!
_____Today I met eyes with a beautiful lady. She looked at me, it felt like love & time stood still for a second. But then she closed her blinds.
_____If you get a friend request from me its because I like funny people. If you dont get one its because I like funny people
_____My wife constantly complains and whines about me not giving her enough time. Thank god my girlfriend is not like that.
_____Yesterday was my best friend's best day. So I asked him to be patient till i log on facebook so i can wish him a Happy Birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
_____Sometimes I like your Post to give you a hug ;)
_____If at first you don't succeed, I'd suggest you hurl yourself into traffic. I saw your first attempt and dude, you suck.
_____I'm a fair weather friend. Don't ask me to do shit unless it's nice out. :)
_____Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn!
_____You can actually fall in love with your own Wife/Girlfriend if some other man describes her to you.
_____Why do girls pluck their eyebrows first... and then draw them with eyebrow pencil & liners and stuff.
_____Me: Nice monkey. Woman at store: That's my baby! Me: Oh. <walks away>
_____I'm going out shopping today... to try and find a new Facebook outfit.
_____i woke up all peace and calm today, googled my symptoms and realized i might be dead.. :-/
_____The only time I make someone hot and bothered is when I'm burning their house to the ground. (funny offensive quote)
_____To the people who don't like me.. suck it. To the people that do like me.. same thing. :)
_____The weather man said tomorrow is gona b twice as cold as it is today....but its now 0˚ so how cold will it be? (funny weather quote status)
_____Know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy ---------->
_____Every time I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside
_____Sometimes I like to just stop everything I'm doing and reflect on the life I have lived...but I'm always interrupted by the people in the back of the bus telling me to watch where I'm f**king driving
_____I'm so paranoid half of the time I'm worried about what's gonna happen the other half of the time (funny paranoid quote status)
_____I was going take a photo of myself in front of my bathroom mirror, but then I remembered, I'm not a douchebag

You May Also Like

Short Funny Quotes
Funny Ex Quotes
Funny TV Quotes

32 Funny Quotes

_____Temptation is bad... but in a very awesome way :-D (funny temptation quote status)
_____the awkward moment when someone gives a creepy stare and you stare somewhere else (funny awkward moment quote)
_____I thought you were my facebook friend, turns out you're just another facebook "user" (facebook user quote)
_____I like saying inappropriate things around children. It gets them ready for the real world (funny parenting quote status joke)
_____Why the "hell" do people keep "misusing" quotation marks??
_____(I need more) F**K (in) MY LIFE (funny life quote)
_____Sir, can i f**k your daughter? WHAT??? I said, can i have a glass of water? (funny daughter quote)
_____Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again." Most guys probably (funny relationship quote)
_____if anyone asks why I'm groping them, its because love is blind. Yea that's why (funny love quote)
_____Some folks are well off. I'm just well, off.  (funny folk quote)
_____Yes this look on my face does mean " I want to punch you"
_____Good things come to those who 'bait....... So i'll just be here, .... 'waiting till something good comes : )
_____You know how shirts come with an extra button just in case you lose one. I think socks should come with one extra sock just to be on the safe side (funny sock quote)
_____Once a year I do this thing with my ex where I call her in the middle of the night, sing, "♪♫ I just called to say... (long pause).. FUCK YOU BITCH!!!" then hang up (funny ex status quote)
_____I seem to have lost my mind this morning. If you find it, can you please pick it up? I'd put on some gloves first if I were you though...it's a dirty thing (funny mind quote)
_____Question: So when you "poke" someone on Facebook, where exactly are you poking them??? (funny poke status)
_____I woke up this morning, saw that there is a roof over my head ..... life is good! (funny life quote)
_____Out of all the millions of colors the human eye can see... NAKED is the one I see the clearest (funny naked quote)
_____I'm going back to MySpace........ People there actually commented on how hot i was in all my pics. It's like you guys don't care how I feel (funny myspace quote)
_____I'm a great dancer... If you're comparing me to Stephen Hawking (funny Stephen Hawking quote)
_____i am a girl with daddy issues which is the reason for all my boyfriend issues (funny daddy issues quote)
_____i dont know about love.. but am surely falling in lust with you ;-) (funny love lust quote)
_____Tonight I did a little role play....I ate breakfast for dinner...in bed :)
_____7, 3, 11, 9, 5... the lottery numbers. What are the odds? (funny lotto quote)
_____I love that cute little thing you do with your mouth :) You know....when you shut the f**king thing
_____Told my friend today I was feeling lonely. She said, Don't worry, it's probably just an isolated incident.
_____Don't hate the bitch. Hate the d**khead that made her that way
_____I like other people's statuses like I like my Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe......ORIGINAL (funny KFC quote)
_____My brain, my second best organ (funny brain quote)
_____I really dont want to brag about it but as soon as hot girls see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running
_____Looking at where I've come from [~•] to where I'm at now , I'm amazed at how far I've come!
_____To the bitch behind me in the 12 items or less check out line givin' me dirty looks.. my 30 bananas and 20 cucumbers equals 2 muthafuckin' items.. so shutty! :)

You May Also Like

Funny Mobile Quotes
Freaking Funny Quotes