_____
I don't wish to brag, but my cell phone has this function where you press a series of numbers and you can actually talk to someone on the other end in real time. (funny cell phone quote)
_____there should be an anti social network for half the people on my list that never post anything.
_____Ok so you went from being 'in a relationship' to being 'single'..I went from 'not giving a damn' to 'not giving a f**k'
_____There you are !!! We were just talking about you.... well, not about you specifically but about whores and hypocrisy. (funny whore hypocrisy quote)
_____are you trying to say that I'm not intelligent.....b!t*h...i went to the School of Hard knocks, University of Life (funny life quote)
_____I suppose one day I'll fall in love again, but I'm just too emotionally stable for that right now. (funny love quote)
_____Her... you have the biggest ego... Me... you misspelled c**k
_____When I'm high, I'll call some customer service number and choose the Spanish option just for the challenge
_____I punched my nieghbors kid in the face today and I told him to keep his goat out of my yard
_____My neighbor must of bought a donkey. She just sent me a text asking if I want to ride her a**
_____If you don't like my posts I have two words for you- WHY NOT?
_____Yes I got your friend request. I didn't see the "Whatever" button and "Confirm" didn't sound right (friend request quote status)
_____I know the exact button to push when I want my girl to disappear. The power button on my modem. Internet love affairs are the best! (funny affair quote)
_____I'd like to say something to all those girls who are madly in love with me, "Please start existing!" (funny love quote)
_____I was looking to buy some new sneakers last night and the guy at the shoe store asked if he could interest me in some running shoes. I laughed until I threw up then left.
_____If I like someone's status on Facebook, that's because I really really ......................................... want you to check out my status.
_____One of my favorite winter activities is wishing you were dead....sort of like all the rest of the seasons. (funny wish)
_____When your world is falling apart, when you need a friend, when it seems like things can't possibly get any worse, please remember....I don't give a f**k
_____What’s big round and hates you? The world (funny hate status)
_____women buy so many shoes because they spend most of their time on their feet walking around the shops…buying shoes
_____Whenever I think life sucks, I look at yours and realize mine's not so bad. (funny life quote)
_____I put my pants on the same way all of you do. I'm just better at doing absolutely everything else
_____If you think I have nothing better to do than to sit around all day logged in to FB, then you are definitely my stalker
_____My mom use to beat me and my younger brother with a telephone.....I was always on the receiving end!
_____I always make sure to be able to live within my means..even If I had to borrow the money to do it (funny borrow quote)
_____"Life is test." and my grade is "F"
_____This beer diet sucks for losing weight... but if you wanna lose your job and your house... it's perfect!
_____I don't ask for much. But please, for the love of Christ, for my own personal well-being, and for the fact that you're annoying the f**king piss out of me.....please.....SHUT.THE.F**K.UP!
_____If I don't get a like within 10 minutes I check outside to see if the zombies have arrived (funny zombie quote)
_____You can really tell who your friends are by looking at your friends list
_____If you think my jokes are tasteless, kiss my a**. That will give them some flavor
_____I would like to apologize about my nacho status joke earlier....I know I'm cheddar than that. (funny nacho status)
_____Should I be worried that whenever someone actually says 'OMG!', I feel compelled to rip off their leg and beat them to death with the wet end?
_____I just got a text message saying that I won a $1,000.00 Walmart gift card. But since I have to actually go there to use it, I decided it wasn't worth claiming and I just hit "delete." (funny Walmart lotto quote status)
_____I hate it when i meaow at cats and they don't meow back. Thats just so rude -__-
_____Wow, I must have super powers, just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would, but..
_____I am hard of hearing, with my earphones plugged in.
_____Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 350 words. (funny inflation quote)
_____I honestly have a fear that one day I'll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
_____I was out shopping with my wife and she asked me to hold her purse.I told her no way in hell...it didn't match my shoes
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_____
I am just a guy standing in front of a girl and asking her to 'Move b***h get out the way'
_____What you people won't do for a "Like" around here . . . If ya all don't like this status you can all kiss my a**!! (funny like)
_____I haven't won any big event today yet the world keeps dumping a giant cooler full of icy haterade down my back... (funny event)
_____I love women and I'm totally against disrespecting them. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends. Go on.. Ask those b***hes!! (funny ex quote)
_____Not everything I post on this page is a joke..some things are serious...for instance...when I say your mom is a whore!! (funny whore quote status)
_____Its getting a bit late....I'm thinking it's about time you close your windows so I can go to my bed!! (funny stalker)
_____If it walks like a duck, acts like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... Then it must be a duck. Same proverb works for sluts too...
_____I know I have been on Facebook for way to long now, I just received an e-mail and instead of looking for the "Reply" button, I found myself looking for a "Like" button. :-/ (funny Facebooking)
_____Yesterday I told a friend to embrace her mistakes. She cried and then hugged her children. (funny mistakes)
_____she says "We just need to be friends", so I said, "What good is a friend if there is no benefits?" (friends with benefits)
_____That awkward moment when I tell you to f**k off when you are telling me one of your awkward moments joke! (funny awkward moment quote status)
_____I hate discrimination. That's why I hate everyone equally. (funny discrimination quote)
_____I ought to stab each one of you for not wishing me Happy Birthday today!!! But I won't, since it isn't my birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____Me: hey beautiful do you have a boyfriend She: no I don't Me: I don't either we have so much in common, maybe we should hook up!!
_____My ex called me “selfish” this morning….which brought me to the realization….that he was NOT EVEN considering how that might make me feel
_____if you can't write totally and have to shorten it to "totes" you are just giving me one more reason to put my foot up your a**. All the way up your a**, because I don't abbreviate. (funny abbreviation quote)
_____see.. i'm not just a funny sexy intelligent interesting and overall awesome guy.. I'm also modest.... wait what were we talking about (funny modesty quote status)
_____It's not that you always piss me off but sometimes I just wish I could shove an umbrella up your a** and then open it! (funny piss off quote)
_____My therapist told me he has never met anyone like me before. I am still trying to figure out if this is a compliment or an insult. (funny therapist quote)
_____Well I started talking to this girl more than 10 minutes ago and she hasn't slapped me or freaked out.....I hope she's OK with the names I picked out for our kids (funny stalker quote)
_____They say the best thing to do to a woman is to make her laugh,i'd feel better if she laughed after i actually spoke. (funny laugh out quote)
_____I have some friends who don't have a Facebook profile. We have nothing to talk about.
_____I hate when I like your status, then I copy and paste it into Google and find out that you copied and pasted it from Twitter. Then I have to go back and unlike your status cuz you're a idiot.
_____This coffee is not doing its job today. Maybe I should have used Red Bull instead of water. (funny red bull quote)
_____I don't know if it's the shock treatments, intensive psychotherapy or antidepressants but I had an awesome day today!! (funny awesome day)
_____I put all my eggs in one basket because I need the other hand for high fiving. (funny high five quote status)
_____When I find myself liking 10 statuses in a row I stop and think..are these statuses really that funny or is this just one of those moments when I have a low tolerance for humor (humor quote status)
_____you know when you walk into a room and you forget why you went in there?? ok I just forgot where I was going with this joke
_____I'm helping my boy with his algebra homework... this sh*t is difficult... I fell asleep twice... I'm about to just say f**k it! (funny algebra quote)
_____If there is one thing I'm good at it's not being able to discover my talents
_____Life is too short, money is too short, lunch breaks are too short, good tv shows are too short, good conversations are too short, good books are too short, I'm too short, good t...... Hey, all good things are too short!
_____the sun is shining, the weather is sweet, makes me want to kick your a**, with my bare feet
_____I really hope no one thinks my jokes are offensive. Its bad enough no one thinks they're funny
_____So that lady in the elevator feels comfortable enough to tell me I smell like smoke…and yet…she acts TOTALLY offended when I asked if her perfume was called “Obesity”
_____I keep hearing a little voice that says get off FB and get to work.I try to ignore it but then my boss just says it louder
_____If you're thinking I've lost interest in what you have to say, I can assure you I was never interested at all. (funny offensive quote status)
_____"You look incredibly meretricious today" is how I like to compliment ladies who don't have a dictionary handy.
_____my computer can beat me at chess but he was no match for me in original statuses
_____I decided to sit down and make a list of all the things I like about you: 1. nothing
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____Since the internet is blacked out, I think its a good time to listen to my pirated music. (funny internet blackout quote)
_____Of course I'm against PIPA and SOPA, I don't want anyone to take away a bunch of free shit I got from the internet that I had no part in creating or producing. Viva de la Lazy! (funny SOPA PIPA quote)
_____The more I think about it, I think we should black out the entire internet. I just want to be the guy in charge so I can turn it off when I go to bed and turn it back on when I get up. (funny internet blackout quote)
_____Actually doing homework is so 1990s. Tweeting about how much homework sucks is so now. (funny homework quote)
_____I love getting up early in the morning and going for a nice long run, followed by an intense workout at the gym. - Somebody who isn't me. (funny gym status)
_____I put the team in teamwork.. now you do the work (funny teamwork quote)
_____I will never forget that day.....in 1992....when I lost my virginity......to a very aggressive bicycle seat
_____Apparently today is National A$$hole Day and everyone I know is a member.
_____Roses are red....so was my wine...I drank the whole bottle...now things are just fine (funny wine quote)
_____Facebook is perfect for those of us who don't have the attention span for books... Or relationships... Or hygiene. (funny Facebook quote)
_____Never use the phrase "elephant in the room" when fat chicks are present. (funny fat chick quote)
_____Do i know any joke about odium bromate? Na Bro.
_____As far as Google is concerned, if you Google something and it's not on the first page, it doesn't exist. (funny Google quote)
_____Remember this Christmas; "it's not the gift, it's the thought that counts." So, just know that I gave a lot of thought to the gift I was never going to give you. (funny Christmas quote)
_____For Christmas i Wish i could wrap mondays up and give them out to shitty people as gifts (funny Christmas quote, funny quote about Monday)
_____I had a talk with my friend about the past, the present and the future.. it was tense (funny tense quote)
_____I am totally done with Match.com.. this is the last time they try to fix me up with my ex-husband. (funny dating quote)
_____The person above my post likes to be on top (top funny quote)
_____Windows asked me to put in a new password, and i put in penis. It told me to come up with a new fucking joke.
_____That was the LONGEST status EVER!..............................................................but I "liked" anyway because you're hot. And, NO, I didn't read it.(funny status)
_____Don't mistake my silence for a weakness. Most likely I'll be silent farting, and you dont want that (funny farting quote)
_____Desperate times leads to drunken decisions.
_____You're amazing.. just the way you aren't.
_____I don't like your status. I love it! But there's no love button so fuck it. (funny Love quote)
_____You are such a hoot! And by hoot I mean whore. (funny whore quote)
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