17 Funny,Witty,Cool,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______They say a change is around the corner and they were right. I turned the corner of this building and fall into a deep deep hole. (funny change status)
_______I just got gas. So I drove to the gas station to let everyone know what I think of the gas prices. (funny gasoline status)
_______If at first you don't succeed......Just say "f**k it" and move on to something else. 
_______I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I've started to only fight 'downhill' battles.
_______If I can't be the first one to like a status then I don't because I am a leader not a follower (funny Facebook status)
_______You know how people say "Hurry up and tell me! The suspense is killing me!"?
Well, you're not going to believe what else I found out today... (funny suspense status)
_______If there's one thing I've learned from watching Saturday morning cartoons... it's to always carry a short bamboo stick in case you get attacked by a swarm of bees, you can jump into a pond and still breathe. (funny cartoons status)
_______This wonderful dinner I just ate at this exquisite restaurant tastes like I'm gonna be locked up for not being able to pay for the check! (funny dinner status)
_______When I see a girl with a whole lot of makeup on, I want to use my finger & write "WASH ME" on her face. (funny status about girls makeup)

_______Good News guys! I'm an official member of the neighborhood watch, I'll be able to get my drug cartel up and running without interference :D (hilarious status update)
_______You poke me like you know me (funny poke status)
_______So I beat up a guy who likes to reply with 'K' to every message. Don't worry, he's k. (annoying status)
_______When people say "you're just not right" that's a compliment, isn't it?.... I'm thinking it is...
_______I always keep my middle finger well manicured because it's the one people see the most. (hilarious sarcastic status)
_______Why don't you put on some lipstick so it will be pretty when you kiss my a**...
_______I wish I could travel faster than the speed of sound. Then I couldn't hear all the things that my wife wants me to do today  (funny status about wife)
_______i really love all my friends on facebook :)........i mean.......it doesn't even bother me that you are all so ugly! (funny status about Facebook friends)
_______Considering the fact that my phone just autocorrected "hug" to "huh", you tell me how my personal life is going.

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_______At times I really wish I should just sleep through all the weekdays and wake up directly on weekends... (funny weekend wish status)
_______Ladies, if you notice me looking at you and then......I get this discouraged look on my face.........it's because I'm undressing you in my mind but I got stuck at your bra...
_______So apparently today is my wife's birthday and she wants to go out tonight. I hate it when she springs sh!t on me like this. (funny status about wife and birthday)
_______That moment when you text someone a long detailed message and they respond with "what?" Sending you into a state where you want to uncontrollably slap them in the face.  (WTF moment status)
_______If I were a meteorologist I'd smile while reporting good weather for the day like I have something to do with it. (funny meteorologist status)
_______Just tried cooking in an Easy Bake Oven but it took too long, so I stuck it in the microwave... now I'm outside with the fire department roasting marshmallows over my living room. :(Funny Oven status)

_______I don't believe in "dreams can come true"... Coz half of the people I work with should be dead by now...! (funny status about coworkers)
_______Someone just called me a sarcastic a**hole. His tone of voice seemed to suggest that he was under the impression that he was the first to do so. Weird.

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