Funny Airport Jokes

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious and funny. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Tips on making man and woman happy

Well on the eve of Easter and April Fools day, you want to make your man or woman happy right ? Following are the tips on making it happen.
Happy Easter and April Fools Day from http://itshumour.blogspot.com

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (sms messages)
5. Don't bother him with his movements

So whats so hard about that ?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's really not too difficult but.... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. Go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT

53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentines day

*arrangements she makes.

Ebay secret language

Untested - defect

No idea if it works - The part is total scrap

Only worn once seemed hard to believe - I can not really see the part

Is too big for me - Had to finally sort out grandmas old things

Is too small for me - Over the years, one grows out of everything
Rar - Is not it in the mom-and-pop store

Collectible - Messie I collect everything

See Figure (1) Either you see the same flaws or you've just been unlucky - (2) Today I my lazy day, but has nevertheless times
Floor Fund - (1) taken for little money at the last garage sale - (2) Does not by me, the thing that I'm clean

I know it is not - know me too well so from

Used - Can you offer just barely

Ebay charges I assume - but is purely calculated in the cost of packaging

Buyer pays postage - at least!

Retail price was 100 euros - Got it for 50 but by Grabbeltisch

If I fell down during packing - Went off to me but cheap

I've Packed it two weeks ago - Should it go gradually but once the post office

Cleaned after Ebay rule - was badly needed

Here from 1 euro - My buddy's will push already high

Only 3 days - Let's see how fit the ebay control weekend

Fixed price - Every day is a Dummer

Collectible - I can not believe what you so you get into the house of promotional gifts

Only serious bids - I know that is the shit. But let but the newbies a chance to learn what

Happy bidding! - But zag zag, if you please

Brand new and boxed - Fallen from the vice

Guaranteed original - People in Hong Kong are more adept

Not available in stores - in the Bavarian Forest, the Ore Mountains and the Mecklenburg Lake District

Adult Rated 16 - 0190 TV commercial would be sharper

Fun bidder pointless - Work with Russian collection together

Delivery time: 14 days - then I hope I'm on time with ALDI in line before the store opens

Hardware box for hobbyists - Why pay those high fees at recycling yard ...?

Super Crate Mobile Accessories, NEW!, Lots, at least 25 pieces! - 2 dozen mobile phone cases from 1993

1 x worn - was my favorite part, it has not got the body, until it had to be washed but finally

Was always very happy with that part, I have always served well - until it broke

The game is really great! - If you are just switched from C64

The digicam was in all tests performed very well - was as 1 megapixel still top class

Experts know what this device can - Did not stand to look for the technical data

Information to the best knowledge and belief - I know how irresponsible I am

Suitable for decorative purposes - to the thing does nothing, but can stand it's still

Top floors Unique item - does not work, is scruffy, but there are people who are on the strangest things

Siemens S45 OVP - OVP a Siemens S45

Due to bad experiences with bidders fun ... - If one pushes here, then I am!

Was originally intended as a gift - but then I wanted to spoil the friendship

Nostalgic - Painfully look old

Restoration needy - replacing all parts necessary

Small defect - Ten experts have tried in vain to repair the part

1A - This was the primary school, in which I was enrolled

With serial number - man, did it take until I have found on the net

Very small spot goes to washing out safely - with hydrochloric

We love Top / sugary / romantic - If anybody can see pink floret on purple fabric, my little sister has a little something in child size 146, which goes through smoothly but as Standard

Top modern - Hopefully believes me something like a country bumpkin

Thirty funny reasons why it's wonderful to be a man

Thirty funny reasons why it's wonderful to be a man ...

1. Phone calls only last 30 seconds.

2. For 5-day vacations you need only ONE suitcase.

3. You do not treat the sex life of your friends.

4. The queues at the toilet are 80% shorter.

5. Old friends, it does not matter whether you have increased or decreased.

6. If you are zapping through TV channels, you need not stop when you see someone crying.

7. Your org-as-ms are not faked.

8. You do not need you to hold the rock, if you go up a flight of stairs.

9. You do not go in groups to the toilet.

10. You can shower in the morning and be ready in 10 minutes.

11. During s-e-x, you must not be worried about your reputation.

12. Your underwear costs $ 20 in packs of three.

13. It makes anyone a thing when you're 34 and not married yet.

14. You can 90% of your time after getting in sex thinking.

15. You have three pairs of shoes which is more than enough.

16. You can take off your shirt easy if you feel too hot.

17. You do not clean your apartment every time company comes.

18. Auto mechanic lie to you.

19. You can spend hours watching TV with a friend without saying a word, without thinking, "he's mad at me."

20. You can sit with her ​​legs spread, without thinking about it, what you're wearing now.

21. You get more money for the same work.

22. People look you not in the hole, when you talk with them.

23. You can visit a friend, without him to take a present.

24. You can buy condoms without the seller imagines how well you look naked.

25. P0-rn movies are made ​​for YOU.

26. You that a person is not sympathetic to say, still does not mean that you can imagine not having sex with her.

27. The remote control is yours alone.

28. There is always a TV channel that runs on just sports.

29. You know just a state of mind.

30. You you do not have to shave your legs ...

Google yourself

Sometimes Googling yourself could be a funny way to lol. Here i found a funny picture on internet about googling yourself. Characters involved in the funny photo are Jack and Tracy, Tinay Fey and Tracy Morgan who are very hilarious

Al Bundy Quotations Women and Sex

Al Bundy's quotes/quotations about women and sex, some of em are very funny and hilarious. Some are really hard ones, ladies please don't mind... Its just for humor.


Women, you can not live WITH them ... End.

Bed them, but do not wed them.

Six dollars is too much dough, to waste on a woman.

Only widowers have angels as women.

Sex gets better every time ... as long as it is not always with the same woman.

That's no lady. That's my wife!

Wife standing near, soon comes a tear.

Women, what are they good for? 2 C's: cooking and kitchen.

The women need us as much as we need them. And why? We can get it to them. Her mother and she can not imagine a battery.

As long as I do not pay for it, to me nothing is too good for my wife.

Women have it like to be staring at her like a piece of beef.

I HAVE to sleep after sex does not sleep ... I WILL! I long for the darkness.

Ah! The home shopping channel! Man! That's a good idea for women. It was always hard to go with a sofa strapped to my ass in the department stores.

If there was no beer, there were at least three people who were not married: me, Jefferson, and possibly Lisa-Marie Presley.

There is only one kind of kiss. The man stands with eyes closed before the woman and imagines it would be different.

I feel like a shipping company whose tanker has caused an environmental disaster: An unwanted effusion and I paid for it 'till the end of my life.

We all have to live with our disappointments ... I have to sleep with mine.

Coffee after sex? How will that work? How can you drink in a deep sleep?

If you want to have sex, the children must go out. If you want to have great sex, you have to go out!

If I only one of the children from marrying forbid, I have done my duty as a father.

It's okay to drive a gas-guzzlers, if you can tear it bitches.

I guess it's true what they say: You are what you marry.

I have lived, I have loved ... and later I even got married!

Christmas is not a time to repent. For this wedding days are there.

Many a time I look at my wife sitting there much like you and I think 'Go home.' Then the horror hits me. She is home. Now I'm depressed, Steve.

My driver's license has expired? Why can not run even a marriage certificate?

Funny part 2

Funny people are fun to be with. Everyone enjoys their company. Learn how to be funny and you'll be the life of the party. At parties you'll be surrounded by a circle of friends, eager to listen to your funny stories and laugh at your jokes. People want to be entertained.

Some people find it easy to be funny. It seems to be a natural gift. In actual fact it's a skill they learnt as children. Children love to do funny things in order to be the centre of attention. They learn to attract attention by making funny faces, dressing up with funny clothes or saying funny things.

It's quite natural to want to be popular; to be noticed, admired and accepted. Perhaps you may be a quiet, modest, retiring sort of person, prepared to always be in the background while others get all the attention. But think how nice it would be to change your image.

Wouldn't you like people to find you amusing and entertaining? Wouldn't you like to have people crowd around you at parties, laughing at your funny stories?

Being funny is a skill. Fortunately it's a skill you can learn. It's never too late to start learning to be funny. Knowing the best way to tell funny jokes and funny stories is easier than you think. It does take a little bit of effort and practice, but learning to be funny is not as difficult as you think.

Make a point of remembering jokes you've heard or read recently. They don't have to be vulgar to be funny. In fact it is probably not a good idea to tell a dirty joke unless you are absolutely sure that all the people who are listening to you enjoy this type of joke.

There are hundreds of really funny jokes on the internet. Choose jokes that really amuse you. If you find them really funny yourself, you are going to find it easy to memorize them. A good way to memorize jokes is to practice saying them to yourself in front of a mirror, just as you would do if you had to deliver a speech.

In telling a joke, remember that timing is everything. Make sure you deliver the punch line at the right time. How do you do this? Practice. Before you tell the joke to even a few friends, make a point of practicing it in private.

In addition to remembering funny jokes that you have heard recently, make a point of remembering funny quotes and funny remarks. Try and remember as many as you can and then use them at appropriate times.

Here again, the internet is a wonderful source of extremely clever and funny quotes. Very often these funny quotes were made by famous people. In using the quotes, at an appropriate time at a party, it's not necessary to pretend that the remark is something you made up yourself. If the remark is really clever and witty, it will be just as funny if you acknowledge the source.

Funny part 1

Being funny is one great skill that can attract people to you. Of course, we all love to laugh and we love company who can make us laugh. With laughter, we feel a positive vibe between us, break awkwardness, make people want you, and of course, it makes us get rid of or problems. If you want to learn to be funny and be more attractive to people around you, read on for more tips.

Learn it. Yes, it can be a natural talent for some but if you want to learn to be funny, you can at least learn it or cultivate your sense of humor. Learn how to see the funny side of things and learn when to give a witty remark. Learn from funny people. Watch funny movies and shows. Learn the things that many people find funny and make sure you learn from the best comedians. You can also get yourself some funny books to read and get ideas. Try to learn some funny words as well. Expressions can also be funny.

Be keen and observant. You can actually find a lot of funny materials that you can use from everyday activities and even from your own mistakes, to celebrities, to your job... you can actually find a lot of good material for humor. If you have learned from best comedians and from the movies you watch and funny stories you've read, you will have an idea what to find in a humorous story. Lies can be funny. Political lies can be funny as well. The unexpected is funny a groom that slipped on the way to the altar, and sometimes even pain can be funny.

Find proper timing. Timing is important also if you want to learn to be funny. Punch lines should be given at the right timing. When you just had a hilarious conversation with your friends and an hour later you have thought about something that is funny, saying it after everything has calmed down and the laughter has died down may not be funny anymore. To be funny, you have to be quick as well.

Practice delivering funny lines. To learn to be funny is not just about gathering funny materials that you can share. Even if you do think you have the funniest jokes collected, if you don't know how to deliver them, they may end up just like an ordinary story. You can make funny faces, have a distinct style or something unconventional in your ways, or get some props for your 'funny image'.

Know your audience. Aside from proper timing, you also have to get familiar with your audience. Of course, funny lines and jokes that are not inappropriate for the audience may not be funny to them after all. Sex jokes, stereotypes and ethnic jokes may not be appropriate for certain audiences, so make sure also that you are in the right place for such jokes.

Have fun. If you are having fun with your funny stories and jokes, you end up vibrating a positive atmosphere to our audience and that alone can make a big difference in being funny.

Funny

I find it funny that I am about to tell you why humor is such a great tool in the art of persuasion. It just seems so obvious. After all, humor speaks in universal truths about human existence, and invites people to laugh at themselves and even laugh with others at themselves. Or laugh at others in blissful ignorance that the joke is really about themselves.

Everyone loves quotes. And all speakers use them. What is so funny about quotes? How about quoting myself? Because, as I say quite often, "United we stand, but divided, we can not stand each other!" And I could not agree more. Humor breaks down the barriers that keep us divided and polarized. Humor builds bridges to bring us together. Humor attracts interest, puts people on common footing, and creates an atmosphere of goodwill that is conducive to meaningful communication. Humor discharges resistance, overcomes stubbornness, and creates opportunity for dialog. Humor has such a positive impact on people that more and more businesses (not the dead-serious ones though!) use it to train and retain employees. Humor is a powerful tool for the person serious about creating positive change. Why? Well, in case I haven't made the point, not because I say so. It's a fact. Humor is persuasive.

But let's be honest. Not all humor is equally funny. In fact, bad humor is also one of the fastest ways to put people in a bad mood, undermine relationships, create hard feelings, offend sensibilities, poison an atmosphere and destroy what could have been a great event, project, team, business, or community.

And I'd say that it is safe to say that not all funny is funny to all. In-jokes are usually only funny to the people in on the joke, the people who shared the experience with you. They tend to leave everyone else drawing a blank. But sometimes, you tell an in-joke, the people who are in start laughing, and the people who aren't in on the joke start laughing too! All the while, they are wondering, and maybe even saying, "What's so funny?" because they want to know why they are laughing.

Still, you just can't please all the people all the time. If it is tasteless, spare us. Unless you know us and know that our taste runs all the way to tasteless. And really, the only way to know what is and isn't funny is to know as much as you can about who you are talking to and find out what you can about what they find funny.

So just how do we use our wits to keep our wits about us? How do we use humor in our communications in order to foster goodwill, camaraderie and common ground? How do we persuade with humor?

For starters, be non-verbal! No, no, I don't mean don't say anything! Although there are people who, without saying a word, can make people laugh, and even change people's minds, because they're funny to watch. Just as there are people who provoke laughter in others by acting funny, looking funny, and sounding funny, regardless of what they say. But I'll say this about the way people look and sound. Nonverbal humor makes verbal humor funnier. And a nonverbal lack of humor can make verbal humor as flat as a pancake, flat as a board, as flat as a tropical ocean on a hot windless day when the sweat pouring from your skin is hot enough to make tea but you have no water to drink because someone convinced you that taking a walk under the cloud cover that is now gone would be great exercise, and you find yourself shouting to the heavens 'THIS IS A VACATION? DEAR LORD, WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE?" and your anguished cry has no echo and falls flat and the silence makes the heat seem even hotter than had you said nothing at all. But I digress.

The point I'm trying to make is that verbal humor, without nonverbal humor to support it, can be risky business, like writing that previous sentence. It was really funny when I was saying it, but you couldn't see me. I could. Trust me, it was VERY funny. But all you have are the words. In fact, one of the un-funniest things you can try to do with words is write about what is funny. It's painful! But the good news is, pain is funny. Keep laughing at me or with me and I'll explain in a moment.

Funny Jokes part 4

Stand-up comedy has evolved in harmony with the cosmic blueprint and there's an interesting story attached to this. It's more than just funny jokes for adults, but a Long, long time ago before our time, and before people as we know them existed on Earth, our planet was formed from a cataclysmic "bang" out in the cosmos.

The cosmic blueprint: Comedy and funny jokes for adults was fused into the very material that went into making our own planet. Much, much later when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, they themselves were destined to suffer the consequences of this cosmic idleness. Consider why those mammoth creatures disappeared, again the answer is clear, they died of boredom.

Why they didn't have television. It is said that evidence exists to suggest that man did, in fact, survive the ice-age. True, most died in that endless cold, but the clever ones stayed at home in their caves in front of a cozy fire making up funny jokes for adults which is One Theory of how stand-up comedy first started off!

Let us consider: Before stand-up comedy and funny jokes for adults, there were other startling fundamentals of our planet's development. Firstly we will consider Newton's first law of relativity,, for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. We can best illustrate this by observing the very length of time our planet took to develop life forms. For a long, long time nothing happened, so what was the reaction? Nothing! Eventually microscopic unicellular organisms were in existence, but they got tired of floating around in a massive ocean, so they teamed up to form the first species of fish.

That makes a lot of sense: But what has funny jokes for adults and stand-up comedy got to do with fish? Now if you've been attentive, you'll be able to discern the makings of a pattern here... Yes, that cosmic blueprint was in evidence again. The fish had to keep swimming to survive and like the little amoeba, the fish got well and truly bored with swimming; just so they could breathe.

It took one enterprising little fish. The fish went up on to the beach and what was the first thing he did? Yes, he had a rest, but very shortly after this he developed lungs, so he could stay on the beach - resting. Now if it wasn't for the fact that the fish got hungry he might never have developed lungs or legs and they are the main ingredients for Stand-up comedy and funny jokes for adults. And that's how it all started.

Consider the obvious parallel. With the development of the walking fish, the cosmic die was firmly cast. As with the fish, man's very physical configuration was determined by his most basic needs and legs provided the mobility which was needed for man to gather and hunt food, walk around making up funny jokes for adults to laugh at with their developed lungs.

Funny Jokes part 3

Jokes jokes and more jokes means more laughs laughs laughs. Laughter is a sure sign of jolliness, happiness and enjoyment, so if telling jokes can create emotions and atmospheres as such then why is the whole world not telling more funny jokes at every opportunity

Even in the most miserable of mundane surroundings you can bet a bottom dollar if good jokes or gags are cracked then the atmosphere changes from gloomy into a jolly ambiance.

If you are in charge of an entertainment plan for a wedding, birthday party or anniversary, then, for the celebration to be a success you will need a good script of funny jokes. Jokes are funnier if actions are applied. Remember, actions speak louder than words. If it is your choice to take the part of a stand up comedienne, then so be it. If you are afraid of making a fool of yourself on stage, then better still because the more you act the goat the laughter gets louder when the punch line is delivered.

To keep the air filled with laughter keep the jokes rolling. When telling jokes. clean or dirty, you have to bear in mind that not everyone shares the same sense of humour, meaning, seeing the funny side of things, so therefore do a little research on what you feel is appropriate for your guests. Clean jokes are just as funny as dirty jokes. People can also be easily offended and embarrassed at joke material - so this is why it is important to check out your audience first. Racist's jokes should be avoided, telling racist's jokes can be disastrous which is understandable with the world as it is today, where sadly we have more crying than laughing.

Okay back to planning what party jokes you tend to use and how to present them, once again remember, actions speak louder than words when telling jokes and so do costumes. Dressing up can have your onlooker now see your funny jokes as being hilarious. Choosing the right costume will make all the difference so be careful at this point because, no matter how funny your jokes are, your outfit can send out other signals. For example: Take coco the clown who we expect to throw buckets of water over people, topple and take tumbles, okay this is fine if you want to play funny pranks on people, however it is not often you see a stand up comedienne dressed as a clown unless telling kiddies jokes.

Comediennes are usually remembered for their jokes and how they dress. Drag queens like Lily Savage, Danny La Rue and Dame Edna Everage became famous for their false identities (opposite sex). Then we had Max Wall famous for his walk and Freddie Frinton for his role of a drunk on stage. These are just a few ideas, however the more unique you are under the spotlight may just keep you in the spotlight if you wish to make a career out of telling funny jokes.

If you selected different jokes like Irish jokes, Scottish jokes or even parrot jokes, then at your side have a case filled with assorted wigs or instruments to use; these will help make your hilarious jokes come to life.

Some people are naturally talented when telling jokes, however for those who are not and find they have been nominated to entertain need not fret. All you do is watch a video of how other entertainers perform when telling jokes. Duplicate the jesters actions by standing in front of the mirror and practice, who knows you may even laugh at yourself at this point.

If you want the event to be a success then audience participation is definitely the way forward for guaranteed laughs. When calling upon a guest to join you on stage to help out with a trick or you tend on them being on the brunt end of your joke, then you must select that person with carefully, meaning, "Can they take a joke."