Tips on making man and woman happy

Well on the eve of Easter and April Fools day, you want to make your man or woman happy right ? Following are the tips on making it happen.
Happy Easter and April Fools Day from http://itshumour.blogspot.com

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (sms messages)
5. Don't bother him with his movements

So whats so hard about that ?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's really not too difficult but.... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. Go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT

53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentines day

*arrangements she makes.

Funny and hilarious insults

Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...

You're red shirt goes well with your eyes...

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.

All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.

I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.

You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.

If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!

You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - your face.

You got a face only a mother could love...unfortunately she too hates it!

I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?

Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...

Well, they do say opposites attract...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.

I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

You started at the bottom...and it's been downhill ever since!

I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.

I know what sign you were born under...'RED LIGHT DISTRICT'.

Lights on, door open, nobody at home.

As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

He's as happy as a Pig in $hit.

About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box.

About as subtle as a flying brick.

She's got more wrinkles than an Elephant's scrotum.

She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs.

As tight as a Camel's arse in a Sand-storm.

She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

About as interesting as watching paint dry.

I've seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard.

I've seen better hands on a clock.

As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market.

He's as baffled as Adam on Mother's Day.

She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits.

As nervous as a turkey at Christmas.

She's seen more ceilings than Michaelangelo.

She ran off quicker than sh*t off a shovel.

She's as fit as a butcher's dog.

She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag.

As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse.

His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender.

Uglier than a hat full of assholes.

As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks.

As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.

This guy is all foam, no beer.

As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

About as useless as a jam sandwich to a drowning rabbit.

A legend in his own mind...

He's an expert on padded cells.

He couldn't engineer his way outta paper bag!

April Fools Joke or Prank

My mother lives 10 minutes from me and i drove to her house well she was at work went in and cut the power to her house by simply turning off the breakers..
Mom got home from work and instead of checking the breaker box she calls penalec..
3 hours later they show up test her lines and everything saying power is coming into the house and the guy checks the breaker box.. he said ma'am your breakers were all turned off..

So he simply flipped them back on and gave my mother a slip of paper.. This paper stated "40 dollar truck charge." I call my mom and found out what happened and I told her April Fools.. She tells me about the slip of paper with the ammount need to pay for it.. I felt bad went over and gave her the 40 dollars and she takes it and looks at me and says april fools and slams the door in my face!

:)

I told my mate that I was going to be a daddy (I'm 17) and she believed me till i said 'APRIL FOOLS' like 4hrz later. wbu wbb?