Funny Airport Jokes

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious and funny. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Womens logic are funny

Women's logic are sometimes funny for men and others.. ;)

Ebay secret language

Untested - defect

No idea if it works - The part is total scrap

Only worn once seemed hard to believe - I can not really see the part

Is too big for me - Had to finally sort out grandmas old things

Is too small for me - Over the years, one grows out of everything
Rar - Is not it in the mom-and-pop store

Collectible - Messie I collect everything

See Figure (1) Either you see the same flaws or you've just been unlucky - (2) Today I my lazy day, but has nevertheless times
Floor Fund - (1) taken for little money at the last garage sale - (2) Does not by me, the thing that I'm clean

I know it is not - know me too well so from

Used - Can you offer just barely

Ebay charges I assume - but is purely calculated in the cost of packaging

Buyer pays postage - at least!

Retail price was 100 euros - Got it for 50 but by Grabbeltisch

If I fell down during packing - Went off to me but cheap

I've Packed it two weeks ago - Should it go gradually but once the post office

Cleaned after Ebay rule - was badly needed

Here from 1 euro - My buddy's will push already high

Only 3 days - Let's see how fit the ebay control weekend

Fixed price - Every day is a Dummer

Collectible - I can not believe what you so you get into the house of promotional gifts

Only serious bids - I know that is the shit. But let but the newbies a chance to learn what

Happy bidding! - But zag zag, if you please

Brand new and boxed - Fallen from the vice

Guaranteed original - People in Hong Kong are more adept

Not available in stores - in the Bavarian Forest, the Ore Mountains and the Mecklenburg Lake District

Adult Rated 16 - 0190 TV commercial would be sharper

Fun bidder pointless - Work with Russian collection together

Delivery time: 14 days - then I hope I'm on time with ALDI in line before the store opens

Hardware box for hobbyists - Why pay those high fees at recycling yard ...?

Super Crate Mobile Accessories, NEW!, Lots, at least 25 pieces! - 2 dozen mobile phone cases from 1993

1 x worn - was my favorite part, it has not got the body, until it had to be washed but finally

Was always very happy with that part, I have always served well - until it broke

The game is really great! - If you are just switched from C64

The digicam was in all tests performed very well - was as 1 megapixel still top class

Experts know what this device can - Did not stand to look for the technical data

Information to the best knowledge and belief - I know how irresponsible I am

Suitable for decorative purposes - to the thing does nothing, but can stand it's still

Top floors Unique item - does not work, is scruffy, but there are people who are on the strangest things

Siemens S45 OVP - OVP a Siemens S45

Due to bad experiences with bidders fun ... - If one pushes here, then I am!

Was originally intended as a gift - but then I wanted to spoil the friendship

Nostalgic - Painfully look old

Restoration needy - replacing all parts necessary

Small defect - Ten experts have tried in vain to repair the part

1A - This was the primary school, in which I was enrolled

With serial number - man, did it take until I have found on the net

Very small spot goes to washing out safely - with hydrochloric

We love Top / sugary / romantic - If anybody can see pink floret on purple fabric, my little sister has a little something in child size 146, which goes through smoothly but as Standard

Top modern - Hopefully believes me something like a country bumpkin

Elementary school students quotes

Confession of a elementary school teacher in Germany, some are really funny and hilarious ...

I am a teacher of elementary school ... sometimes it can be very hard. Here are some examples of student essays that I've collected over the last 2 years:

-The train stopped with a screech of brakes and the passengers evacuated on the platform.
- "Last week, we took a field trip to Castle Wolfenstein, the class teacher, Miss Mueller joined us at this old ruin we saw the old chipped front and rear walls ... the loopholes.."
By-state rooms, the Knights also had heated woman.
-Everyone listened, as Luther in 1642 his 95 prostheses knocked at the Castle Church in Wittenberg.
Caesar made ​​the stock fully and everyone stood at attention in his pile.
Graf Zeppelin was the first to set sail in different directions.
-The pasture is located high in the mountains. There is the shepherd, and the dairymaid. In the spring becomes distended, abortion in the fall.
-Our school used to be an orphanage. It above the entrance reminds one hewn woman front receives a boy and a girl behind.
-A Catholic sister can not escape because they have to live his life in the monastery.
-The power of water is so great that even the strongest man can not hold it.
-We went to the zoo. It was a big monkey in the cage. My uncle was also there.
-With a strong, wide beam give the firefighters from their water.
-The Minister of Agriculture gathered together the farmers, as the pigs were eating too much.
-The Red Cross is dedicated to the men and women love. Some do it for free, others get paid.
-When the hunter saw the belly of the grandmother, he knew immediately what had happened. (from Little Red Riding Hood)
-Where now stand the ruins were, once proud and damsels in distress waiting for their extended knight.
-After the men had scratched 100m, the women wrapped from her 200m breaststroke.
-The matches must be well hidden, so they get no small children.
- ... and we went with our teacher walks in the park. Opposite the park was a house where the mothers give birth to their children. A uterus looked out the window and waved joyfully.
-Spring is the first of the 4 seasons. In the spring put the chicken eggs and potato farmers.
From the pig-uncle was taken to the barn and there summarily slaughtered with grandfather.
8 days ago, my father sat a tame goldfinch on the head. This was just on my way to work.
-My sister is very sick. She takes a pill every day. But does it secretly so that my parents not to worry.
-When our dog started barking at night, my mother went out and nursed him. The neighbors would otherwise upset.
-The moon is smaller than Earth. This was partly because he's so far away.
-The captain drew his sword, and shot the assailant.
-My aunt had such severe joint pain that she could barely lift his arms over his head. With it went her legs well.
-The period of Queen Elizabeth, took 30 years.
-If my mother had not made an escapade, she was the traffic accident to the victim. But it came with a black eye at the knee.
-When the men came back, they were frozen stiff. They stood around the crackling fire and warmed their stiff limbs.
-In the Middle Ages, people were not as old as today. They had also not as heavy traffic.
-I do not like when in an old movie only dead actor to play.
-Almost all breeds were represented. For review, the owners had their dogs come before the jury, most of them waving it joyfully with the tail.
-Then came the age of enlightenment. Since the people finally learned that one does not propagating through the bee or the stork, but how the children themselves make.
-When Mozart died, one has counted all his compositions and numbered and made a list. It is called the ankle directory.
-One of the most useful animals that we possess is the pig. From it, you can use everything as the meat from front to back, the skin for leather, bristles for brushes and the name of abuse.
Organ and piano differ primarily in that the organ pipes, the larger sit.
-The St. Lawrence River is in America. It is so long and wide that it would have no place in Europe.
-A Catholic sister can not escape because they have to live his life in the monastery.
-Etna is a very active volcano. Only last year, he again had a huge erection.
-A peninsula is an island that is not quite finished.
-Now Tell hid behind a bush, pulled the trigger and the work of liberation was done.
-Many dogs like to go into the water. Some even live there forever, these are the seals.
Schiller would have ended the drama with pleasure, but working on his bride stopped him.
Last Sunday, my father came home very late. He had passed away in the city park.
The figure skater-turned her pirouettes, while her skirt lifted own wind.
-The women's equality was realized. This also applies to traffic. Here, too, it takes the same position.
-Christians wanted that to love all people, and they did so at every opportunity. However, since the Romans had something about it.
-The problem with the old people will not die although less so many. But it grow for ever new.
-Today everyone can study without having to look at the bag to his father.
-During the Thirty Years War was known as the best and toughest soldiers muscular animals.
-People were formerly not so old, even though they had less traffic.
-A circle is a round square.
-All fish lay eggs. The Russian even caviar.
Butter is made ​​from cows. Otherwise it is margarine.
-The zoo is great. As you can see animals that are not's.
-My summer resort on the Baltic Sea was lovely. When I got up in the morning in bed, there was a wonderful sight.
-At the pond was a maid and was milking a cow. In the water it was vice versa.
-The horses wore rosettes in the national colors on the head, and dishes to the tails. Each man was decorated similarly.
-My aunt gave me a piggy bank. She was a pig and had two slots. One for the front and rear paper for Harte.
-Yesterday we had youth skiing. All minutes let the teacher drive one. If in an early came out, he sent it back.

Google yourself

Sometimes Googling yourself could be a funny way to lol. Here i found a funny picture on internet about googling yourself. Characters involved in the funny photo are Jack and Tracy, Tinay Fey and Tracy Morgan who are very hilarious

Funny questions which don't have answer

What is the speed of darkness?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Tips to survive in a Scary Movie

Rules:

If the room has blood, chains and tools in it, for heavens sake - don't walk into it.

if you hear a noise...do not investigate

if the lights go out...do not go try and fix the fuse

do not leave your curtains open

Never walk backwards
Don' t ever, ever have sex

A world where all white women are extinct is scary enough

Don't be a virgin
Don't be drunk
oh, and don't be a black guy.
Don't go downstairs
Don't run through the woods
Don't go back to help someone who falls
Don't go in the basement or attic

Don't go to sleep

Don't watch the tv (especially if a little girl is crawling out of a well)

Don't open any boxes or closet doors

Don't look out the window

woods, avoid them
also, farms

also avoid:
old camp grounds
country houses away from civilization

If something scary is happening, for god's sake GET THE FORK OUT OF THERE! Don't just stand there looking at it! 

Avoid waiting 28 weeks.

Avoid Freddy (hence never fall asleep).

Don't go swimming in the water.

Don't answer the door late at night.

Never, ever go investigate a strange noise.

Don't summon the dead.

Don't go swimming at night.

Don't flash your lights at cars driving at night with their lights off.

Don't show a weird video tape with a loved one.

Don't hide under a bed.

Don't be blonde beautiful and a cheerleader-

Don't be a night watchman in a morgue, doll factory or any human science lab-

Don't even be vaguely humourful, funny people always end up dead near the end-

Don't have sex, discuss sex or try to encourage anyone else to have sex-

Don't go back to save a friend, you will only get your other friends killed-

Don't go into the disused mental hospital for a dare-

Don't try to flirt with a woman on a boat that's been adrift for over 40yrs. unless she came on your boat with you-

Don't adopt weird little Orphans that can play the Piano and paint like Monet-
Don't go into the bathroom and lock the door! 

Don't drive alone at night (and if you do, always check the back seat before you get in the car!!)

Don't answer the phone over and over again if the first message is "have you checked the children."

Don't fall asleep EVER....

Don't say Bloody Mary three times into a mirror.

Don't celebrate Halloween.

Don't remember what you did last summer ;p

Don't videotape the paranormal.

Don't go on a witch hunt.

Never look under the bed

Never look behind the shower curtain

Never go anywhere without a cell phone a gun and some duck tape.

Don't count on the police or any form of law enforcement to save you

Don't walk around in a parking garage by yourself.

Don't touch the leprechaun's pot of gold.

Don't say the name CandyMan 5x while in the bathroom in front of the mirror with the lights off. 

A comet falls outta the sky and land/crashes close to you. Don't walk up on it and poke it with a stick.

Don't bury you loved ones in an old Indian burial ground.

When it gets around the anniversary time of when the killings happen, GTFO of dodge.
Stay as far away from the intended target as possible.
If you do go somewhere make sure there is good reception (for cell phone usage).
Travel in groups, as your friend Billy with the limp will increase your chance of survival

Become the hunter. Turning the tables on the monster, psycho or supernatural force will take them off guard, giving you the advantage. Remember, they don't expect you to fight back!

Conquer any fear of heights. As you may need to climb some 30 feet or so up a ladder to get to safety.

When going camping or visiting a tourist attraction, LISTEN to the crazy old man or lady telling stories of legend about a crazed killer with a hook for a hand. Because it's probably true.

Avoid guys with leather masks & chainsaws in Texas 

If you're drinking by yourself, get rid of the bottle. I watched that shitty Sorority Row movie and this chick laid down on the couch and as she took a sip, the killer punched that bottle down her throat. The alcohol proceeded to drain down her throat. It was one of those hell long bottles too. It was brutal and bad arss. 

Don't hang out with white high school or college kids. Do this, and you won't have to give a damn about these other rules, because you won't be the one getting chased by some dude that know what you did last summer.

If the killer has a mask you find funny, even though he has a weapon in his hand, don't poke at him and give him shit. He's gonna give you plenty of shit in a few seconds.

If you are told about some urban legend like Candyman, believe in it and do nothing past that.

Funny Pictures

In this article I will explain to you how to sell funny pictures online for a big profit.

Perhaps you don't know it but if you have some original funny pictures you are sitting on a gold mine.

If you do a Google search for funny pictures you will find more then thirty five millions of results for that keyword alone.

Such large numbers may impress you but after all everybody wants to be entertained.

In this article I will explain to you how to sell funny pictures online.

Funny Pictures

A great place to sell funny pictures online is by registering a free account on break.com.

If your pictures make it to a gallery you get paid a cool 25$ bucks.

If you have some original funny videos make sure that you submit hem as well.

Break gives you an awesome two thousand dollars for this kind of videos that make it on their homepage.

The best thing you can do is submitting your funny pictures or videos to break.com right away.

But keep in mind that it is break's staff who decided if your pictures will make it trough the gallery or not.

Funny Pictures Of People

When the economy looks gloomy, everyone needs some humor for a good laugh. As the saying goes, "Laughter is the best medicine." That's probably true to a certain extent. Laughter can most certainly help relieve stress. And as we all know, too much stress can be harmful to health. Fortunately, there are tons of free resources on the Internet that will have you in stitches in no time. Let's take a look at some of these resources.

There are all kinds of funny pictures on the Internet. Some are based on true events, while others are created just for a few good laughs. For instance, you can find entertainment images of your favorite celebrities. Mostly, these are images that are edited by fans and posted on various humor sites. There are literally hundreds (or thousands) of such images on the web. You just have to know where to look.

Funny Pictures Of People

Cool stuff is entertaining as well. These are pictures that may or may not be funny. But there are very interesting. People tend to circulate such pictures via email to their family and friends because these images look cool. Looking cool means the subject of focus is something that is out of the ordinary. For instance, you may see a picture of a cool robot that is created from scrap metal.

Illusions can provide hours and hours of entertainment. These images are created with the intention of fooling the perception of the viewer. The illusions are mostly created with clever image editing tricks. A single image can be used to represent more than one view - depending on how you look at the picture. Usually, you will need to spend a few minutes on each picture just to be able to see the optical illusion.

Children are always fun to have around. They get into lots of funny situations because of their innocence. Many children photos don't even need to be edited. The original photos are already pretty funny. Besides, children have the liberty to do anything they want without getting into trouble. So the possibilities for great pictures are endless. For example, a young child posing as a football fan can show the middle finger and look cute. An adult showing the middle finger will certainly come across as offensive!

Really Funny Pictures

Everyday, funny pictures are used by people for several varying purposes. Pictures can be very entertaining especially in occasions intended to bring fun to those attending them.

You may want to spice up the jovial mood of such occasions by making people laugh their lungs out by using pictures that are extremely funny. The only problem might be where to get these pictures. This article will therefore give you six tips you can use to get yourself some of the funniest pictures.

One, know precisely what you want the picture to contain. Where you will use the picture and the reasons for which you will use it are all points you should seriously consider. Being precise about the effects, design type and colors used in the picture will go a long way in providing the direction to go in order to get the best and funniest pictures. You should take into consideration the people that will view the picture as different people are excited by different things.

Two, with your need for a funny picture or pictures in mind, you can start collecting pictures as you come across them and keeping them in a safe place. People usually stumble across hundreds of funny images in our daily lives. If you strive to collect the pictures you come across or even ask a friend to help you, you will have a collection big enough that you are less likely to miss a picture suiting the occasion you want it for.

Really Funny Pictures

Three, find magazines, books and printed advertisements and go through them. Such materials carry lots of funny photographs, drawings and paintings. The magazine you bought years back may contain the picture that you are seriously looking for. Children literature books and magazines specifically will have quite a good number of such images. This can be a very easy and cheap source of funny images.

Four, with just a few clicks on the popular search engines you will find yourself a large collection of extremely funny images. On the internet, one can find thousands of all sorts of images to choose from. Colors, quality and themes are in thousands so that you can get what you actually wanted. Some websites will even produce pictures that are specifically tailored to your needs. You may even use your image to come up with a really funny picture. Such websites only require you to upload your picture and in just a short while you get your image modified you can even laugh at it yourself.

Five, you can also consider contracting the skills of an artist to get you the funny images specifically produced for you. The picture may be drawn, painted, designed or simply modified by use of a computer. Although you may have to pay for such a service, it in the end gives you a picture with every detail exactly how you wanted it.