Today's Funny Quote

'Enjoy our daily up-to-date funny quote of the day and much more related to humor.'

Funny Quote: 12th May 2013

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
- Mitch Hedberg

"Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children."
- J. Paul Getty

"One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued."
- Benjamin Franklin

"An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself."

"People like you are the reason people like me take pills!"
- Neva Faith Linn
When I was a kid, "I am going to tell your mom" was the ever scariest sentence for me.

"There are three ways of losing money: racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain."
- Lord Amherst

"I'm so poor I can't even pay attention."
- Ron Kittle

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
- Woody Allen

"Silence is golden but duck tape is silver."
- Anonymous

continue reading more funny quotes

99+ All Time Most Funniest Quotes

A well said quote clicks on the mind and inspires but when, at the same time, it is funny, it makes the day bright too.

So for the all those surfers who look for entertainment (well all), these 99 funniest, spicy, juicy and hilarious quotes can really prove good help when they scroll on.

0. Being Lazy and getting award

If there was an award for laziness... I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me.

1. Think Negative

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
~Jerry Seinfeld

2. Someone Needs You? Naaaaah..

When I'm available no one texts me. But when I'm busy... BAM! ... still no one texts me.

3. How they Named?

Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?

4. When Laughter becomes Uncontrollable

That awkward moment when you want to laugh but it's completely inappropriate.

5. Defining Comedy

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov

6. Comment Review

"No comment" is a comment



7. Rules of Success

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

8. Try to Be Bad

I heard that you like bad boys. At wall-mart, I enter through the exit doors.



9. Who cares

Don’t like me? Aw cute, how you thought I cared!

10. Toilet talk

What did one toilet say to another? You look flushed.

11. Formula of Becoming Billionaire

I can be a billionaire if I get success in inventing that formula that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet.

12. Being Cheater

Don't forget my name because, later, you'll need it while screaming.

13. Thinking You're Funny

That weird moment when you realize that you were the only person who thought your punch was funny.

14. Affording Ability

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

15. Misunderstanding

Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

16. My Unique Handwriting

They say your handwriting is horrible but they don't understand my creativity. I have invented my unique font style.

17. Yes, Today It is True

Today's Reality:- Big house, Small Family. More Degrees, Less Common sense. Advanced Medicines, Poor Health. Reached Moon, Neighbor Unknown. High income, Less Peace of Mind. High IQ, Less Emotions. Good knowledge, Less Wisdom. Lots on friend on social networking sites, No best fast friend. Increasing population, Less Humanity. Costly Watches, No Time!

18. Studying, Cheating and Repeating

Miss: Do study hard and never cheat. Because It is better to fail than to cheat! Kid: Sorry miss but our philosophy is different. We believe that it is best to cheat than to repeat.

19. Guess and Hope

Confusing moment when you can't hear someone, you just laugh and hope it wasn't a question.

20. Messy Room, Ha Ha

My cousin: How Horrible! Your room is so messed up? Me: This little mess up making you so uncomfortable - Thank God, you have not seen my life yet.

21. Writing Competition

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

22. Giant's Gossip

Search engines: We have everything. Social networks: We know everybody. Connectivity: Without us you guys are nothing. Electricity: How funny!(ROFL)

23. Don't Bother

Oh lots of shits happen. So just flush and move on. (Laughing Really Loud)

24. Reminding of you

Today morning, I saw a piece of shit on the ground and it instantly reminded me of you.

25. That Irritating Friend

Everyone has that friend who borrows your stuff and keeps it as long as borrow it back. (Youngsters most-liked funny quote)

26. Ready to Die

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die.

27. Don't Interfere

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.

28. Don't Pressure me

Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

29. About Ignorance

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

30. Almost Done

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

31. Doing Nothing is Possible

Who says nothing is impossible.. I've been doing nothing for years!

32. Not Locking Bathroom Door

That awkward moment when you forget to lock your bathroom door and someone opens and finds you..

33. Dating My Ex?

So you're having dates with my ex? Good. See I am eating in a restaurant, do you want some leftovers too?

34. Jumping Around At School

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.

35. Worst is Yet to Come

If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week.

36. Good Health

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

37. Admiring Your Ugliness

Why are you staring. Nope, I am just admiring how absolutely unattractive you are.

38. In Boxer Only

The awkward moment when you come out from your bathroom in boxer only and your sister's friend stares at you.

39. Not Funny at All

That embarrassing moment when you show someone something really funny and they don’t think it’s funny at all.

40. Death and Statics

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

41. On My Birthday

They hug me, post on wall and treat me like a king/queen on that day. I miss that that one-day popularity on rest of all 364 days. My Birthday. :-(

42. My Imaginations

I think I have some super powers, but just don't know how to activate them?

43. Romance with Cousin

She has stolen my boyfriend's number from my mobile. She is unbelievable. Ha ha ~ Now she is sending romantic texts to her cousin brother.

44. Very Careless Boyfriend

She left me. Why? She said I don't pay any attention to her or something like that, I wasn't really listening.

45. Mosquitoes and Blood

Him: Why there are different types of blood group? Me: Because our dear mosquitoes love variety of flavors.

46. My Tricks

The trick behind my messy room is if someone attempts to harm me he'll trip over and will be caught instantly.

47. Ground Hates

For heaven's sake, keep your head held high because even ground hates to see your face.

48. Being Awesome

When you are good, you are good, when you are awesome you are me.

49. Caps Lock Off

Funniest question ever seen - 'How Do I Turn Off Caps Lock?'

50. Right Brain Left Brain

After starting Engineering - I really like my brain.- Which is divided into 2 parts. Right & Left. In Right nothing is Left and in Left nothing is Right!

51. My Ideas

I hate when others steal my Idea.. Before I think of them.

52. Dreaming a Better Tomorrow

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

53. Marriage - A Trap

Very tough to live life without marriage but after marriage life becomes tougher.

54. My Food Love

You have no idea how happy I get when the microwave beeps and my food is ready. Lmao

55. Monday Stress

Murder should be legal on Mondays.

56. Unavailable Lifestyle

Sorry - The lifestyle you ordered is currently out of stock!

57. Your Parent's Mistake

When I see you - I get angry with your parents for not using precautions.

58. Standing with Dashing Friend

That hateful moment when your friends look so good and you're just standing besides them, feeling so restless.

59. On Television

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

60. Laughter Com out From Hips

If you suppress your laughter It goes back down to your hips.

61. Too Young

Dear doll, You're 13. Go and blow bubbles.. not boys.

62. Your Importance

You're as meaningful as the 'P' in psycho. (Rolling On Laughing Floor)

63. Changing Answers

That scary moment when you change the answer on test and realize the original answer was right.

64. Your Existence

The only problem with you is that you exist.

65. Under 30

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

66. Worst Date

On date: Fuel: $50 Movie and Burger: $50 Lunch: $30 Entertainment: $50 Room Rent: $200. And the reaction on his face when she reveals she's on her 2nd day.. Speechless!

67. Don't Love me

Don't fall in love me because I can't wake up every day to please you.

68. No More Good Days

Forget about "happily ever after". Nowadays it doesn't exist.

69. On Valentine's Day

I can already smell all the roses I'm not going to receive on Valentine’s day. :-)

70. Like Rest

The reason I fell for you so hard, was that you're not like the rest.

71. Error in Typing

You always remove entire words If you feel You might have mistyped one letter.

72. Continue Laughing

Got hit your head accidentally on something and continue laughing hard.

73. Laughing Alone

That strange moment when you are the only one laughing in the movie.

74. Nothing to Say

Why do people write LOL, when they have nothing else to say.

75. Realizing You are wrong

Confusing moment when you're having an argument with someone and halfway through you realize you're wrong.

76. Making Mistakes again and Again

Hey listen - I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like ten or twenty times, you know, just to be sure.

77. For You I Hate

I dedicate 3 words, 8 letters to you. Go to hell.

78. Getting Drunk

I just wanna get drunk to make bad decisions with you.

79.Mobile is Missing

It makes your heart beat faster when you Check your right pocket and find that your phone is not there.

80. Shut Up Please

I want top play that shut up game with you. You go first.

81. Why The Hell They Live

The problem with some people is that they are breathing.

82. Chap and Hard

You often buy cheaper phones because they are harder to break.

83. Checking Something

I don't stalk - I observe.

84. Relationship's Life

Relationships nowadays: First week: I love you honey. Second week: Together forever. Third week: Single and In search.

85. Sing of Over drunk

You know you are drunk when your cat barks.

86. Always Hungry

I'm so hungry. Didn't you just eat? Yeah, so?

87. For Singles

Singles always love to mingle.

88. When They Ignore You

I love when they ignore me.. It really makes me feel so special.

89. Hating Morning

I don’t like morning people... or mornings... or people.

90. Flirty Girls

The girl who looks so simple and sweet is the girl who has 4 boyfriends.

91. Not liking someone but still you have to be nice

I really feel helpless when I have to be nice to someone I really want to throw a brick at.

92. Disliking You

I really dislike you from the bottom of my heart.

93. Insulting them

If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

94. SO Confused

That awkward moment when you can't decide if you're sad or mad.

95. Being Lazy

You tend to say 'I don't know' when you just too lazy to think.

96. Looking Suspiciously

Why do they look at me with suspicious eyes when I get good marks on a test.

97. My Capabilities

I may look nice to you but don't underestimate me. You have no idea what I'm capable of.

98. Girls Behavior

Girls hate each other for no reason.

99. Ignoring Someone

"Call you later" simply means "Stop talking to me".

100. One Bad Person

There is always one person in everyone's life who ruins their whole entire day or week or year.

101. Annoy Me

Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.

102. Note On Beauty Parlor

Note written at wall of beauty parlor "Do not whistle at the girl going out from here because she might be your grand mom.

I am really very good, nice and silent while sleeping.

Their thumb automatically dance when they don’t know how to answer anything.

Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in.

---

Read more related humor stuff at Short Hilarious Jokes Quotes and Funny Quotes for having ultimate enjoyable time ever.

Fifteen Funny Quotes For Day To Day Life

'15 Hilarious Funny Quotes to have enjoyment, laughter and fun in day to day life. Amusing quote i.e. Sometimes I Laugh so hard that I feel like six pack is coming on.'

• If I die today, for the love of God, someone please clear my browser history.
• I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
• 
• I trust my dog to guard home but never when it comes to pizza.
• Admit it.. You've Googled yourself.
• Mae were born between a woman's leg and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them There is not place like home.
• Farts: The screams of trapped poop.
• That awkward moment when a teacher tries to be funny.
• Vodka mixes well everything, except decisions.
• Sometimes I Laugh so hard that I feel like six pack is coming on.
• I am not a slow person. I just have a speed limit.
• No matters how old you are, when ketchup bottle farts, It's funny.
• Forgetting to remove you contact lenses and waking up the next morning thinking your blindness was cured.
• I wish I could forgot you like i forget everything I studied right before exams.
• I am actually not funny. I am actually really mean and people just think I am joking.
• I was born a week early, so I have been running late ever since to make up for it.
  

#. Don't smoke cigarettes there are cooler ways to die.

#. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

#. Excuse me, I found your nose. It was in my business.... again.

#. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes!

#. Maybe I’ll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I’ll feel better.

#. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

#. My Reality Check bounced.

#. My life’s really not so awful–it just seems that way when I’m awake.

#. Never trust a person who isn’t having at least one crisis.

9 Realistic Funny Friendship Quotes

'Share and enjoy these most realistic hilarious quotes about friendship to spend good times with them.'

"I don't even need to insult you. Your face speaks for itself."

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat." - Erma Bombeck

"Best Friends.. They know how crazy you are and still choose to be you in Public."


"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate
- Charles Dickens"


"How do I look? Friend: Fine. Good Friend: Really Perfect. Best Friend: You look so strange! Lol"

"Lord if I can't be skinny, Make my friends look fat."

"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies."
- Aristotle

"Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything."
- Muhammad Ali

"She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind."
- Toni Morrison

"Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts."
- Margaret Lee Runbeck



"To cement a new friendship, especially between foreigners or persons of a different social world, a spark with which both were secretly charged must fly from person to person, and cut across the accidents of place and time."
- Cornelia Otis Skinner

"Friendship's the privilege of private men; for wretched greatness knows no blessing so substantial."
- Nahum Tate

"I think in friendship, you want to be there for your friend, and sometimes you just don't know what to do or the relationship you have with them is not clear enough for you to know what to do."
- Marion Cotillard

"One friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim."
- Henry Adams

"The rule of friendship means there should be mutual sympathy between them, each supplying what the other lacks and trying to benefit the other, always using friendly and sincere words."
- Marcus Tullius Cicero

Everyone has that one friend who you greet with an insult.

Funny Quotes by Ralph, Homer & Mr. Burns

'Enjoy these rib-tickling funny quotes by famous fiction characters of animated television series.'

---

Funny Ralph Wiggum's Quotes:

"Lisa: Players play and managers manage.
Ralph: Do alligators alligate?"

"Ralph: I wanna go back inside mommy."

"The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there."

"Me fail English? That's unpossible."

"Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office."

"My cat's breath smells like cat food!"

"Sticks ice cream cone to forehead."

"Grandma had hair like that when she went to sleep in her forever box."

"Bart: How'd a pull up like you get a great card like that?
Ralph: My not-dead grandma sent it from Tokyo.
Bart: Ralph, I will play you for that card.
Ralph: Okay, but if I win, you'll have to teach me how to play this game"

Funny Homer Simpson's Quotes:

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

"Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"

"Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."

"If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing"

"Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow! Oww!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow."

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Money comes and money goes. What I have is my daughter which will be for eight more years."

"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"

"To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?"

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President."

"Oh, Marge don't you know kids today? Bad means good and shake your booty means wiggle your butt."

"But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder."

"Our forecast calls for flurries of passion followed by an extended period of gettin' it on."

"Let's just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV."

"Hey, can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once!"

"Black, marbleized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit 'em."

Funny Mr. Burns Quotes:


"Smithers: I'm so happy I could hug you.
Mr. Burns: And have me smell like cheap drug store cologne the rest of the day? You may hug my shadow."

"I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant."

"I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again. Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is - bolo."

"Guard: It's time for a cavity search.
Mr. Burns: Oh, I haven't cavity in forty years.
Guard: I wasn't talking about your teeth.
Mr. Burns: Nor was I."

"Is it a crime to want nice things and then to steal them from a public museum where any gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket can gawk at them? I think not."

"Carl: Sir, your spare ribs, cooked just the way you like them.
Mr. Burns: Spare ribs eh? I've played around with ten pins a time or two in my life and, to me, the term spare reeks of second best. Give me ten full frames of strike ribs. [to Lenny]: And you, find my doctor and find out why I'd ask for something as insane as strike ribs."

Most Hilarious Quotes

'Bringing the Extremely Funny Hilarious Quotes ever to make your hours full of enjoyments. So Ha Ha as loud as possible so that your neighbor could hear sounds and get jealous of your happiness.'

1. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
   - Ann Landers
2. I'd love to mess everything up.
3. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
4. Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
   - Jo Brand
5. Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
   The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
6. I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide is a crime.
7. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
8. Stop me before I start making sense.
9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
10. I slept like a baby last night.. Waking up every 2 hours crying for food.
11. If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.
    - Jennifer Jones
12. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
13. If you should die before me ask God if you can bring a friend?
14. Warning: You have entered a Tact Free Zone.
15. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
16. If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I'd start thinking about you.
17. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
    bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
18. You're 15... You should be feeling butterflies in your tummy, not a baby kicking.
19. We've come in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
20. When I cross a one way road, I still look both sides. Just in case, there are any girl driving.
21. That boring moment when you looks at the menu for 10 minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
22. The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.
23. They say Magnet attracts. So is that mean if I swallow magnets, will I be attractive?
24. Making a ton of plans then ending up doing nothing.
25. Will you please introduce your top lip to your bottom lip and shut the hell up!
26. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
27. If two things don’t fit, but you believe both of them, thinking that somewhere, hidden, there must be a third thing that connects them, that’s credulity.
28. Death is hereditary.
29. I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of William Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
30. I would like to be able to admire a man’s opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with me.
31. Getting married at 20 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:00pm.
32. 
33. Sunglasses to protect my eyes from the sun and to protect others from seeing the storm behind them.
34. That angry moment when you're walking around the house with socks on and you step on a random wet spot.
35. I don't get why people have to lie to sound important. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to fight crime with The Avengers.
36. The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh.
37. Get married.. because your shitty day doesn't have to end at work.
38. I've just realized that 400 of my 650 friends are actually my own fake profiles.
39. Don’t be so humble - you are not that great.
40. Don’t drink and park – accidents cause people.
41. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
42. Smile. Your enemies hate it.
43. That extremely annoying moment when you are behind a slow walker and there is nothing you can do to get around them.
44. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
45. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
46. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
47. In theory, everything works.
48. Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.
49. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
50. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
51. Deep down I'm a very shallow person.
52. Guys who have big muscles and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature.

Read more hilarious Jokes and Quotes to giggle with friends or family. I gonna make the atmosphere very enjoyable.

12 Short Jokes with 15 Funny Quotes

'Enjoy the rare combination of 12 short jokes with 15 funny quotes. Humor, to us, is like oxygen in water which keeps us live and healthy. Just kidding but you really gonna experience it here - It's a cinch'

About: It is up to us how we deal with life. Exact same moment, for two different people, can be funny or sad. It is totally depend on their attitude, habits and sense of humor. Some people try to find reasons for laughter in every situation while others tend to look for problems. Creating humor, sharing jokes and funny quotes can be very tactful way of coping hurdles of life. See, at the end of it, no one gonna live forever. So it is really wise to not to take much pressures and tensions. Always give your 100% on every task and leave everything on to 'Karma'. Someone has rightly been said that "Life is very simple but we insist on making it complicated" So take the oath from now to enjoy every present moment and celebrate the blessing of God. By doing so, you can gain and hold attention of everyone around. We are trying to put an effort to make you laugh with below written hilarious jokes and quotes and don't worry as we keep them brief and short.

1-12 Short Jokes

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

1a. Money can't buy poverty.

1b. Skinny jeans are like calories. Easy to put on but impossible to take off.

1d. He Meets an Accident with his new Mercedes.
Him while crying: Officer! See what happened with my luxury car!!
Police: You're Such materialistic. You Even haven't noticed that your right leg has been cut off.
He looks at his right leg and yells - Oh No My Nike shoes..

1c. Known as an Ice-cube?

2. "Insufficient funds"

3. I got a mini heart-attack

4. Pl quit smoking. 100% of all smokers die. So what - Do 100% of all non-smokers stay alive?

4a. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

5. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

5a. The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

6. Guy: Will you be my girl? Girl: Excuse me! Him: Listen to me. I’m rich. She: Oh hi I’m Sara, 20 yrs old. Him: Hi Beauty, My name is Rich, 22 yrs old, single!!

6a. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

6b. It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.

6c. I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

7. Answer in Brief

8. Live till 57

9. Right to remain silent

10 Sometime I think that Bill Gates last name is GATES.. so why in the world does he sell Windows?

11. Why can't I remember the moments of my childhood everyone keeps on talking about. It is like being drunk - They remember everything what I did, except me.

11b. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

12. A Japanese woman must be having one birthdays because all others are anniversaries!!

12a. That one person you wish to punch on face without getting in trouble.

12b. Dad: How will you separate a mixture of sand and sugar?
Son: Simple, I will give the mixture to the ants. they will take the sugar and leave the sand.

These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

What is the meaning of coincidence?
24 Hours in a day, 24 beers in a case!

Oh, you're 100% useless. No, you can use me as a bad example!

Q: Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the volume of the radio down?
A: To hear the cars behind you brake! 5 STAR Funny Question & Answer!

I feel so happy from inside when a teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs!

Once a horse walks into a bar? The barman says why the long face!

Keep Flushing!

Do not try at Home

Then why they select toppers?

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

And which dwarf are you?

A crow says to a woodpecker 'what are your eating habits?' and the woodpecker replied 'well, I am a bit of a PECKY eater.'

A joke is a very serious thing.
- Winston Churchill

My friend Dang is really so short that he makes me wonder like he works at piggy bank!

To be or not to be... I think its a trick question.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A Zebra.

Yo mama hair so short that she curls it with rice.

I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's mind. Then I opened an account into social network site and now I am over it.

Him: Hello, My name is cliff.
Me: Go and drop over on sometime else.

Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.

Beware of the Dog.. The Cat is not trustworthy either.

Q: Why do they call it a pair of pants, a pair of shoes, and pair of spectacles but a bra is just a bra?
A: Speechless!

My Dog Can Lick Anyone!

Admit it that you try to listen what strangers are talking about and mentally give your opinions.

Some people laugh is really funnier than any joke.

My life is short. I can't listen to banality.

When they say "I'll think about it", what they really mean is, "I'll forget about it completely until you bring it up again."

Him: Why are you looking so sad. Stop crying?
Me: Nope, I'm just having an allergic reaction.
Him: For what?
Me: That teasing Life!

Everyone has someone in their life whose laugh is funnier than the jokes they crack.

Blonde goes to a pizza shop and orders one pizza. the person at the counter asks her: "would you like your pizza cut in 6 slices or 12?" and the blonde said "Six please! One couldn't possibly eat 12 slices!".

1-15 Funny Quote

-3 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx

-2. That moment when you meow at cat and they don't meow you back!

-1. I really need a week off from this damn reality, a enjoying week without any shocking news and all those bullshits that run through my mind all the time.

0. Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown.
- Fanny Brice

1. You and me are perfect and cutest. Ha Ha just kidding. you're really useless.

2. I have sure forecast for tonight - Yes It is going to be so dark!

3. Her FB status - "I'm Sitting" - 126 likes - 65 comments. His status - "Just got Proportion" - 1 likes - 2 comment!

4. 95 percent of all constipated people do not give a crap.

4a. I'm 47, You learn life is short and it's not worth doing something if you don't enjoy it.
- Trisha Yearwood

5. Their horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

6. The toughest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China.

7. You learn a new word and suddenly start listening it everywhere.

8. I am fearing of growing up because it's a Trap..

9. When you hear yourself eating crunchy food, You often wonder if people can hear it too.

10. Does fuzzy logic tickle?



11. There's always that one friend who catches you doing something weird.

12. Looking at someone too gorgeous and beautiful - thinking "Wow, let me serve you"

13. How can you go 10 days without sleeping? Because I sleeps at night.

14. "Draw a blank"? Better to ask my bank a/c manager!

15. Do you exercise? Yes if it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all!

"K" = the most powerful way to piss someone off while messaging..

I am actually a really nice good person But I simply do not like other people.

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
- Miguel De Cervantes

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
- Joe E. Lewis

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
~ John Barrymore

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
- Aldous Huxley

If Couples that are in love are called ‘Love Birds’ then couples that always argue should be called
‘Angry Birds’...


Girl: Professor, Do you remember me? You asked me to marry you some years ago!
Professor: Yes I remember but did you?

Fame means millions of people have the wrong idea of who you are. - Erica Jong

Popular Quotes

'The collection of all best, famous and popular Quotes to live by. They gonna charge you for better life.'

Accept what you cant change, and change what you cant accept.

Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did'.
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are.
- Max De Pree

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Albert Einstein

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.
- R. D. Laing

The world of achievement has always belonged to the optimist.
- Harold Wilkins

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
- William Gibbs McAdoo (1863-1941)

Wise men are not always silent, but they know when to be.

It's always too early to quit.
- Norman Peale

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Seuss

It a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
- W. Sommerset Morgan



You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.
- Albert Einstein

There are three things that are certain in life: death, taxes and change. You can't avoid change, it's mandatory, progress however is optional.

I consider those are rich who are doing something they feel worthwhile and which they enjoy doing.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.
- Bruce Lee

Each person must live their life as a model for others.
- Rosa Parks

Genius is essentially creative; it bears the stamp of the individual who possesses it.
- Madame de Stael

The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.
- William Shakespeare

I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.
- Jim Carrey

Man’s highest joy is in victory: to conquer one’s enemies; to pursue them; to deprive them of their possessions; to make their beloved weep; to ride on their horses; and to embrace their wives and daughters.
- Genghis Khan (c.1155/1162/1167-1227)

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.
- Jess C. Scott

Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.
- Albert Einstein


A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
- John Ciardi (1916-1986)

Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.
- W. C. Doane

May you live every day of your life.
- Jonathan Swift

Experience is the child of thought, and thought is the child of action.
- Benjamin Disraeli

Education is not the filling of a bucket, but the lighting of a fire.
- William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
- Jimi Hendrix

Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself.
- Bill Gates

Every true man who is a little above the level of the beasts and plants, lives so as to give a meaning and a value to his own life.
- Luigi Pirandello

He who stands for nothing will fall for anything.
- Alexander Hamilton

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.
- William James

Problems are messages.
- Shakti Gawain

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Groucho Marx

Hold fast to dreams,For if dreams die, Life is a broken-winged bird, That cannot fly.
- Langston Hughes

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
- Joseph Campbell

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dying my hair tonight.
- Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.- Charles M. Schulz

There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.
- Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear

If you win, you need not have to explain...If you lose, you should not be there to explain.
- Adolf Hitler

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
- Abraham Lincoln

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
- Patrick Henry

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.
- Paul Valery

It is easy to fly into a passion–anybody can do that–but to be angry with the right person and at the right time and with the right object and in the right way–that is not easy, and it is not everyone who can do it.
- Aristotle

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
- Dalai Lama

The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.
- Epictetus

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.
- Cherie Carter-Scott
Follow your dreams, work hard, practice and persevere. Make sure you eat a variety of foods, get plenty of exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
- Sasha Cohen

Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, To everyone you can.
- Ancient Advice

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
– Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald

Success is not measure by the position one has reached in life, rather by the obstacles one overcomes while trying to succeed.
- Booker T. Washington

Life is just a minute only sixty seconds in it, forced upon you, can‘t refuse it. Didn't seek it, didn't choose it, but It‘s up to you to use it. You must suffer if you lose it, give an account if you abuse it, just a tiny little minute, but eternity is in it.
- Dr. Benjamin E. Mays

I have learned there is a gift wrapped inside of every adversity and, if you have faith and hope, you can lose everything and still survive.
- Sandi Bachom

Make at least one definite move daily toward your goal.
- Bruce Lee

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
- Mother Teresa

You have a very powerful mind that can make anything happen as long as you keep yourself centered.
- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So, spread your love everywhere you go.
- Mother Teresa

A great figure or physique is nice, but it's self-confidence that makes someone really sexy.
- Vivica Fox

The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.
- Stephen King

A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Goethe

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure - that is all that agnosticism means.
- Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
- Mark Twain

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
- Mahatma Gandhi

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
- Aristotle Onassis

I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
- Michael Jordan

Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them. But do not let them master you.
- Hellen Keller

It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.
- Arthur Calwell

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
- Mark Twain

Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.
- George Eliot

Make it a point to do something every day that you don’t want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
- Mark Twain

You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.
- Zig Ziglar

I can get sad, I can get frustrated, I can get scared, but I never get depressed – because there’s joy in my life.
- Michael J. Fox

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.
- Anonymous

Life is about increasing understanding by expanding our ability to experience new things. New realities, points of view other than the ones familiar to us.
- Ken Dyers

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
- Anonymous

You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,Love like you'll never be hurt,Sing like there's nobody listening,And live like it's heaven on earth.
- William W. Purkey

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.
- Isak Dinesen

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
- Mae West

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
- Mark Twain

People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success.
- Norman Vincent Peale

Every evil is some good spelt backwards, and in it the wise know how to read Wisdom.
- Coventry Patmore

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.
- Chinese Proverb

It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little - do what you can.
- Sydney Smith

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.
- Charles Dickens

The only mistake in life is the lesson not learned.
- Albert Einstein

After reading above great quotes, you must have understood how to live a perfect life. Further, there are more positive words to bring good change in your habits at Life Quotes and also use Quotes for Birthday for special people in your circle.

32 Cool Mind Blowing Birthday Quotes

'They must be waiting, so just choose from below written relation-wise impressive Birthday Quotes to send them birthday wishes. By doing so, you can make their day. They'll really feel so special.'

For Friends - Belated - For Beloved - Funny - For Boss - For Brother

Daughter - Mother - Husband

For Beloved

For my girl, who helped me define my life, your birthday is an exclusive day for me to let you know that I love you.

Your Birthday is as Special

Happiness and Circumstances

It takes two to create magic. I hope you and your birthday cake have a great time together.

May your birthday be filled with love laughter and happiness. God bless you on this special day.

I may be far from you, but every time I close my eyes, I see you standing right beside me.

Happy birthday to you! Your birthday comes once a year and I want to make it special for you. I hope you like what is in store for you.

Belated

• Sorry I missed the day but the good wishes are for all days anytime.
• A Belated Happy Birthday to a terrific, wonderful, younger-looking, marvelous you. There, now! Wasn't that worth waiting for??!!
• How do you expect me to remember your birthday, when you never look any older?
• I'm so lucky to have such a great friend like you. Who’d forgive me if I forgot his birthday? Happy Belated Birthday!
• Your birthday came, your birthday went, here's the wish I should have sent!
• Ah, I may be the late one to wish you but my wishes are not the least. Belated Happy Birthday! I am sure you had a memorable day.
• So what if I got late. For me, celebration happen whenever we meet.

Funny

• Birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece? Aha but I'm going to try it with my veggies!
• I was gonna make you a wine cake but now I am drunk this is just a cake.
• Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.
• You never know what you have..... Until you clean your room.
• How to kill all your enemies? SMILE.
• I wonder how on my birthday I get presents and money. I get paid for being born. It is like being Kim Kardashian for a day.
• Females are really funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthdays.
• I hope you enjoy your birthday. You may never know how much you mean to me unless we switch places and you stand where I do.

For Boss

• Yes, you have the capability of completing any task successful. May God always keep blessing you.
• Be happy in the moment, that's enough. Each moment is all we need, not more.
• What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?
• Happy Birthday to Dear Boss.
• Forget all the stress and enjoy this special day cheerfully. May you have hundreds of more.
• We turn not older with years, but newer every day.
• The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
• You can't help getting older but you don't have to get old.

For Brother

• Everything important that I learned, I have learned from you. Happy Birthday to a wonderful brother and good friend.
• It was nice growing up with someone like you - someone to lean on, someone to count on... someone to tell on!
• No matter how old you get; you'll never catch up to me.
• There's no other love like the love for a brother. There's no other love like the love from a brother.
• I love you my dear sweet Bro!
• I remember how when we were kids we couldn’t wait until our birthday. We would count down the days. Now we dread birthdays and try to deny that they happen.
• With a wish that your birthday,
  Is really so special to me,
  And the year that's ahead,
  Will turn out to be great.
• Celebrate who you are and the everlasting impact you make by being you.
• Today is filled with special joy that let you know you're always loved and cherished by us.
• The way I see it, you should live everyday like its your birthday.
  - Paris Hilton

For Friends

0. Birthdays give us the opportunities to stop and appreciate all the beautiful things we have been Blessed with.

1. Wish you many more happy returns of the day. May God bless you with prosperity, good health and peaceful life.

2. Never doubt on yourself. You're always the best. Just continue to be like that. Happy Birthday.

2a. May your birthday be filled with many happy hours and your life with many happy birthdays. Wishing you a day that is as special in every way as you are.

3. It is the day when you were born and the world got such a expensive and most needed gift from God.

4. You're different from others. Never mix up with them. Your style of smile rocks.

5. I wish my birthday was on the weekend every year so I can celebrate all weekend.

6. It is your day. Make it the best and forget what is gone.

7. May all the day of the year, you continue smiling like today. May everyday brings positive energy and good news.

8. Blow the candle, cut the cake.. We all pray that you always look great.

9. You've created milestones but best is yet to come.

10. May all your dream, all your wishes come true with the blink of your eyes.

11. Keep smiling on this special day my sweet and most beautiful girl in the world.

12. My best friend - We really had great time together and on your day I just wish that the life of relationship as long as forever.

13. Jolly, lovely and most important day of my life - Your birthday.

14. The day I opened my eyes - I found you as my best close friend, I feel so protected and safe to have a brother like you. Happy B'day to the best brother of this world.

15. We hope your day was over the Moon!

16. I am sure this year gonna be your greatest, most wonderful and successful year ever!

17. Totally cool, really fantastic, wonderful, exciting, majorly awesome, rocking of you. Keep this spirit for the rest of your life.

18. I like everything about you. You spread positive vibes wherever you go. Love you.

19. You're perfect, terrific and good human being.

20. Lots of kisses and hug for the birthday boy/girl.

21. You've worked.. now time for party hard. 22. You seems to be like a fine wine, you keep getting better with age.

23. May your love, happiness and friends always stay with you.

24. Words fail to express out love and blessings for you.

25. You're getting more smarter, more young and more enthusiastic with every passing birthday.

26. It is good to know that someone likes you, they think about you, they need you.. But it feels so better when you know that someone remember your birthday. Yes - I do :-)

27. Aha, Got it.. You are waiting for my wish. How can I forget. You so close and special to me.

28. New day, new reasons, new innings, new slogans and parties. Keep rocking.

29. I pray to bless your ways I wish to lighten your moments May you always keep cheering and growing.

30. We need party - You need present. We need occasion and you should dance. Lol

31. I forgot but FB wall reminded me of the day. My party?

32. So hasty, nasty, tired-full but remember able day.

32a. With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come. 32b. You don't get smarter as you get older. There is just less stupid stuff left that you haven't already done.

32c. Middle age is when your age starts to show around the middle.

Daughter

It doesn't matter for us how much you grow up. you'll always be our sweet princess and good daughter. We Wish you a Happy Birthday.

Mother

Thanks for giving me so much love and care. You've made me so successful person. You're the best. Happy birthday Mom.

You are always so kind to me. Your heart always concern for me. Your touch makes me feel so happy. Today is your day. Love you mom.

There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents, and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll

Husband

You've made my life heaven. Thanks for all your support. You are the man of my life. Happy Birthday dear hubby!

You loved me the way I never imagined. I am so lucky to be your wife. I wish you always be happy and I'll do everything to make you so. Have a good and cheerful day.

It's your birthday and it is correct time to tell you that you’re my world and even much more than that.

Together, we are so right. Into my world you brought pure delight. I wish you a sweet day.

So far

Distance really sucks... My room is so far from the fridge.

Never Got a Chance

It was a female who drove me to alcohol and I never got a chance to favor her.