68 Funny Quotes

_______I don't have many enemies, except autocorrect...That b!tch seems to hate me. (funny autocorrect quote)

_______You know you are getting old when you fall asleep in the closet waiting to scare someone. (funny old age quote)

_______I think I need to start doing some Push-ups...when I say Push-Ups, I mean the orange ice cream kind. (funny push up quote)

_______I believe world peace could possibly be achieved if they would put the damn toys back in cereal. (funny peace quotes)

_______I honestly didn't think it was that bad, but when I left the bathroom, both the dogs were growling at me. (funny Facebook status update , funny tweet)

_______Whenever I'm going anywhere, I always purposely try to get there late..................u knw.......... just to make that grand appearance! (funny pride quotes)

_______I recently switched to an all-in-one shampoo/conditioner, because I needed some room on my shower caddy for my beer. (funny beer quotes)

_______Just seen the hot chick from my building at the supermarket and she said, "We have to stop meeting like this!" Apparently, she doesn't know the meaning of stalking... (funny stalking quote)

_______Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and now we just started a game of counting fools. (funny fool quote)

_______Hey....chill...there's no need to fight over me, I'm a very generous girl.... (funny generous quote)

_______My friend says I always believe everything I'm told.   She's probably right. (famous funny quote)

_______Honestly, I TRULY don't know what post you will make next, I'm just stalking. (funny stalking status)

_______Isn't losing at LOTTO bad enough with out the scanning machine tell you " NOT A WINNER " (funny lotto quote)

_______You're so skinny you've got a gluteus minimus. (funny skinny quotes)

_______I'm calculating pi. No, wait, that's not right. I'm Contemplating Pie. Yea, that's it! (funny pie quote)

_______As soon as I heard the words “Now help Jack off the horse” was it then did I realize being a rodeo clown wasn’t the career choice for me! (funny clown quote)

_______My book on female gymnastics is gonna be called "Land on my face."  I know... I know. (funny gymnastic quote)

_______Whoever said cats have 9 lives owes my neighbor a new cat. (funny cats quotes)

_______I got a basket on the handle bars, a card in the spoke and a banana seat on my bike........yeah, that's the way I roll. (funny hilarious quote)

_______Wife and I just got into a heated argument... I say cook the pizza at 425°F for 19 minutes, and she says to cook it at 33 minutes at 350°F. (funny wife quotes)

________I put Tabasco sauce on EVERYTHING I eat and my neighbors wife just found out the hard way (funny sauce quote)

________For some people "stretch" on the label on jeans is a personal challenge. (funny fat quote)

________Act your physical age if your mental age is too low.... (famous funniest quote ever)

________Facebook users: Save your friends the effort of looking out the window, by posting the weather forecast. (hilarious Facebook status update)

________During a heated argument, my boyfriend told me to "relax," which just infuriated me even more and now he's dead. (funny boyfriend quotes)

________If you are asking for my birth date, it means either you want to know my age OR you want to know when I left giving a damn. (funny birth date quote)

________I'm not saying you should be a whore, but it wouldn't hurt for you to swallow every once and a while. (funny sarcastic quote)

________'Just in case.. And we probably still won't help' – insurance (funny insurance quotes)

________Apparently my floating device was inappropriate for a public pool....The thrill that cop got from popping my blow-up doll was saddening (funny cop status update)

________On the taxi ride to work this morning, i thought of one thing, how am i going to finish this last beer and still show up sober (funny beer sober quote)

________A fast way to earn your place in the single life is when the wife and the girlfriend work at the same job and they both have a picture of you on their desk (funny wife girlfriend life quote)

________Just want to let you know I 'liked' YOUR post alot more before you posted it. (funny stalking status update)

________No I was serious, I really don't want to join YOUR request for MyCalender Birthdays. (funny Facebook MyCalender Birthday status)

________Words cannot express how proud I am of the US women's volleyball team, for allowing the 'Tramp Stamp' to represent us! (funny Volley Ball Tramp Stamp quote)

________If I were a fisherman and "likes" were fish, I would have to sink my boat for the insurance money (funny fisherman quote)

________Went to the mirror to imagine what I would look like fat. Problem solved. I will now be back in a little while to see what I look like drunk. (funny mirror drunk quote status)

________level of maturity vary depending upon the company around them (famous funny quote status)

________Mark Zuckerberg finally switched my Facebook to timeline...... Well played douchebag..... Well played. (funniest Mark Zukerberg Timeline quotes)

_______Hey I just sideswiped you, and this is crazy, but I'm gonna floor it, and hope the cops dont chase me (funny dumped quotes ever)

_______I hate when i spend too much money, check my account then have a heart attack (funny heart attack quote)

_______Well I used to believe in ghosts, but they're all so unambitious nowadays. (funny ghost quotes)

_______My Chinese neighbor brought over some delicious cookies yesterday... and today I found a tiny piece of paper in the toilet that read... WHO IS A**HOLE NOW!? (funniest cookies status ever)

_______Don't forget to hold your breath between posting this status update and waiting for the first 'Like' (Funniest Facebook status update)

_______I'll bet for overweight people McDonalds is there golden arch enemy. (funny McDonald quote)

_______I finally figured out what it took for me to feel rested and take on the day at work....coming in 2 hours late apparently.

_______I'm thankful for a lot if things but I'm mostly thankful for the following acronym; STFU (funny acronym stfu quote status)

_______I just had a near-death experience. I thought the coffee pot broke. (funny near death experience)

_______Could you just tell me your cup size?   It's hard to judge, with the cleavage smashed into the camera for you profile pic

_______I'm on a roll. Ok i'm on a fat kid who tripped while running downhill, but same difference. (funny roll quote)

_______I made a joke about smoking weed with a bong once. It was a hit but then I forgot it. (funny bong quote)

_______Tried stealing a shopping cart from a homeless guy... I would have gotten away with too, if it wasn't for that bum wheel. (funny shopping cart quote)

_______I used to be ambitious about achieving goals, until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people. (funny ambitious goal quote)

_______My wife calls me Usain Bolt...I last around 9.63 seconds and always come first (funny Usain Bolt quotes)

_______Your mom gives great head..I mean advice. (Yo mama joke)

_______Sometimes I do the *thumb neck slicing motion to strangers just so they know not to mess with me (not to mess with me quote)

_______I used to believe in faith, hope and charity...Turns out they were all in a club climbing a pole. (funniest faith charity hope quote)

_______Just sneezed on a smart car... and this guy gave me five bucks for washing and drying it in under 2.5 seconds. (funny smart car quotes)

_______The wife and I went camping and ended up having a huge argument in the tent. I had the last laugh when she stormed out and slammed the flap. (funny wife quote)

_______Went for a checkup today. He said I had an impressive cavity and that he would love to fill it for me. That'll be the last time I go to THAT Proctologist (funny Proctologist quote)

_______Just put on my "Forever Lazy" onesie... and now I can't even finish this po (funny lazy post )

_______If Sneaking across the Border was an Olympic Sport, Mexico would get the Gold (funny Mexico Olympic quotes)

_______I just created a page that makes fun of pirates. I guess you could call it a parroty page. (funny pirate quote)

_______From their web address, I just don't understand is it super bowl or superb owl?? (funny super bowl quote status)

_______Tip of the day : Don't play soccer with thy neighbor's kid. Use a football instead. (funniest soccer quote)

_______I don't see the big deal...I just sold my KIA Soul to the devil...he gave me a great price. (funny KIA soul quote)

_______So am I the only one who played the Google game today? Lol Apparently Hurdle jumps is not my Olympic sport. (funny hurdle jump Google Doodle quote)

_______When it comes to putting my head on the chopping block , I'm a bit of a chicken

_______At the Olympics, its funny how white people get medals for shooting nd black people get medals for running (funniest Olympic quotes ever)

_______went for a job interview today and the boss asked me: Why did you leave your last job?? I said: The company relocated and didn't tell me where. (funniest Job Interview quotes status)

_______Hey people on Twitter, when you start to refer to your followers as "family" all I can envision is the Manson "family" (funny Manson family twitter quote)



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______Tried out a new pick up line last night and well needless to say ...my couch pulls out but I dont... Is not successful (pick up lines)

______My life before Facebook was boring... but now after Facebook it's just pathetic (funny quotes about Facebook)

______If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine. (funny quote about Olympics)

______Tried painting by numbers... but somebody beat me to it, and painted my whole phone book yellow!

______If you didn't hump Christina Ricci... then you're doing Wednesday wrong. (funny Wednesday quotes)

______I bet if they let someone with a split personality enter into the Synchronized Diving event in the Summer Olympics, they'd be damned unstoppable! (funny Olympics quote)

_______Whenever I ask my wife if she has a minute, she thinks it's because I'm horny. (funny wife quote)

_______My 3 year old was in the tub and he discovered his balls. He asked, "Dad are these my brains?" I caught a little tear and proclaimed with great pride, "Not yet my son...Not yet!" (memorable funny quote)

_______The only time I use the metric system is when a woman asks me how BIG I am (Metric system quotes)

_______I think to make the Olympic medal ceremony better the athletes should dress up like Q-Bert and hop up the steps.... (funny Olympics status)

_______I was pleasantly surprised by the nice morning rainfall. I thought it was gonna be another dry hump day. (funny hump day quote)

_______I'm pretty sure my nosy co-worker wants to be an Olympian. He just won a gold meddle in "not minding his own business." (Famous funny quote)

_______The banana I'm about to eat has the slightest curve at the tip.  Mama needs a bathroom break before I peel open this beauty. (funny banana quote)

_______I have a sneaking suspicion that agoraphobics love inside jokes. (short joke)

_______I think of myself as well conditioned athlete as a matter of fact last night I won the pole vaulting competition in my bed. (funny Athlete quote)

_______Don’t mess with me. I know how to sit still for a tattoo. (funny tattoo quote)

_______I fell in love with her before she had even uttered 140 characters. I was twitterpated (funny tweets)

_______I just watched Greece, Spain and Portugal take gold, silver and bronze in Synchronized Bankruptcy (funny Olympian quote)

_______I can't stand people who waste my time...because time is money, got my money on my mind all the time and the mind is a terrible thing to waste! Something like that! (funny time quote  status)

_______I'm in the dressing room at Walmart and no one wants a hug. (Walmart quotes)

_______A lady got all mad at me because I held the both doors open for her (funny situations)

_______Bored ?....Make your life more interesting by simply using a powerful genie to grant your wildest wishes and dreams....  (bored quotes)

_______Let's play hide and seek. You hide and I'll count to one hundred trillion, six hundred forty five million and nine. (stupid funny quote)

_______Watching the Female gymnasts this evening made me realise that I can achieve my dream...of eating a family size bag of M&M's all by myself ! (funny female gymnastic quote)

_______I'm not sure what you guys think, but this new dandruff flakes cereal doesn't taste very good to me (funny dandruff quote)

_______Women who make sammiches for their man get laid more then those who don't. Guys.....stay with me on this one! (getting laid quote)

_______I was at the bar last night, and this woman told me I just dont want to be alone tonight so I took her home.......and let her pick out one of the puppies my dog just had. (bar quote)

_______Don't know what to believe any more. You think you know someone and then you find out the Mr. Bean could actually talk all those years (funny Mr. Bean quotes)

_______There's no reason any self-respecting man should stay on the dance floor when "Drop It Low" comes on (funny self respecting quote)

_______My favorite part of the evening is where I punch you to end it. (funny evening quote)

_______No matter how good you are, there's always someone better on youtube. (funny youtube quote)

_______How was I supposed to know it was a midget that hung itself?!? Looked like a keychain to me...... (Midget status)

_______Rise and Shiner! The first person that mess with me today is getting a black eye. (funny black eye quote)

_______I had a nightmare last night, I was living in Alabama. It was the most terrifying dream I've ever had. (funny nightmare)

_______I don't know if this is just me but I've never actually found any briefcases that contains actual briefs! (funny brief quotes)

_______Whenever I'm faced with what is possibly a life-altering choice to make, I choose extra-strength ribbed with the reservoir tip. (funny life quote)

_______R.I.P. to all those people that called the Suicide Hotline with their T-Mobile phones (funny T Mobile quotes)

_______Cop: Have you been drinking? Me: *sips beer Cop: That was stupid. Me: So was your question. (funny cop status)

_______When I say I grew up during the depression, I'm referring to my mother's. (funny depression quote) 

_______Someone just told me my shoe was untied, then walked away before I had a chance to tie it... which tells me they didn't really care! (famous funny quote)

_______I'll bet if they remade "Charles in Charge" with Charles Barkley, it would be terrible....just terrible (funny inspirational quote status)

_______Certain stores now give a discount for paying with cash. Just like your mom (you mama jokes)

_______Just tried my first power shake. Pretty sure I threw out my back. (funny power quote)

_______Didn't do anything today. Getting stoned was the highpoint of my day. (getting high quote status)

_______Today I killed two birds with one 12 gauge shotgun, because you would have to be a real idiot to try to use a stone in this day and age. ;-) (funny inspirational phrase quote status)

_______you know....I'm not sure if there's anything more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye....looking up at you while giving you head. (giving you head quote)

_______Breaking News. 3 Chik-fil-A Cows come out of the closet. CEO is selling them to McDonald's (funny Chick fil A breaking news)

_______I really like that song Lips of an Angel but I like your moms version better (funny song quote)

_______I try to make wishes come true. By pulling out one eyelash at a time. (funny wishes)

_______A human being has 7 trillion nerves.... she manages to get on every one of them. (sarcastic quote)

_______It wasn't until she blindly grabbed and washed her face with one of my socks... did she then decide it was time for "His & Her" hand towels. (witty status ideas)

_______That mini heart attack when you come to know that your girlfriend is dead :P (hilarious status ideas)

_______I hit a hornets nest last night.OK.It was a whore in net stockings,but I did hit her nest

_______I was fighting with this guy over who's lazier. I let him win. (lazy status quote)

_______The worst part of doing laundry is finding a spot on my bed to sleep when I don't put it away for 3 days.

_______As a married man of course I look at other women. Just because I drive a Dodge doesnt mean I can't dream that it's a Porsche (funny marriage quotes)

_______:-) :-( :-D :-| ;) ;^) :'-) :/ (-_-) - HEYY!!! Stop playing with my emoticons!! (funny emoticon quote)

_______Those gymnasts gals are awfully bendy. It's a real shame they don't make them in adult sizes. (funny gymnast quote status)

_______Some guy called me retarded today..............So I strapped on my helmet and called him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (funny Facebook status idea)

_______I think the neighbors need a wake up call, this roman candle in their doggie door should do the trick

_______Since my bathroom light bulb blew out and I am drunk, pissing is like being in the Special Olympics. (funny Olympics tweet)

_______You know that time I always thought about you? Yeah, I can't stop thinking about what the hell i was thinking either! (funny sarcastic status)

_______Every so often, I like to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I have no idea what it means. (funny grammar quote status)

_______If you just meet a girl and you don't know if she's a b!tch or not, offer her some toast. B!tches love toast. (funny girl quote status)

_______I skipped the downward spiral and took the unexpected faceplant.

_______My friends are always saying that I am easily angered. It makes me so mad! (low temper quote)

_______Just blew my nose with a dryer sheet... just incase you're looking for someone to do your laundry with a box of Kleenex! (funny laundry status)


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_____I don't know why my armpits are so sad, but I'm just letting their tears run down the side of my body till they get over it.  (epic funny quote)

_____All the people who leave their blinkers on need to trade places with the ones who don't use their blinkers at all.  (funny inspirational status)

_____I went to the bank today to draw some money.......security guards kicked me right out......and to think......the other people were amazed by my artistic skills (awesome funny status)

_____A handsome man can make you feel pretty and seductive... Wait, that's vodka...vodka does that. (funny quotes about vodka)

_____They say you are only as old as the person you feel. Lately I have usually been feeling my own age.  (funny stupid quote)

_____Changing your profile pics... has really made it difficult in deciding my next latch hook body pillow project (great funny quote)

_____Not sure what my superpower is... but I think it's been draining my phone battery (funny quote about superpower)

_____You're 15. You're meant to feel butterflies. Not a baby kicking. (famous funny quote)

_____Tonight I shall be going out without my morals or my underwear. (famous funny status)

_____Thank you...women who eat popsicles, corn dogs, bananas, etc in public.  (epic quote)

_____Real men don't buy women..they sell them...to a pet shop.  (famous funny quote)

_____I advised my girlfriend that she'd look really cute and sexy with her hair back....which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. (funny inspirational lines)

_____me and my right hand are not going to be in touch for a week.. Yeah.. Its ''those days of the month''  (the punch line)

_____in the fight between me and my inner demons, i bet my money on inner demons.. (funny quote about demons)

_____If you catch me saying "it's the least I can do..." you can bet it literally is the least I can do. (the funny line)

_____The problem with jogging is that the beer always sloshes out of the glass (funny quotes about jogging)

_____I just finished the last chapter of my 3rd children's book I wrote titled "You better stop fighting with eachother or y'all gonna get smacked upside your heads!" (the funny liner)

_____That moment where you've been trying to start the truck for the past five minutes and then the alarm starts going crazy and then you realize you should get the f**k out of there and try stealing an easier one.  (great famous funny facebook status)

_____Calories are tiny little creatures that live in my closet. They like to sew all my clothes tighter so I can barely fit in them. (funny calories quote)

_____Don't you just hate it when you're walking on the streets and people just stare at you............I hate it even more when I'm out there naked.........they can be so perverted! (awesome funny quote status)

_____Where there's a will...........there's always a way ............or in some cases............, five hundred relatives. (hilarious quote)

_____I was told I was going to hell for being so lazy... well I sure hope the devil sends someone to pick me up then. (witty quote)

_____This whiskey I am drinking taste like my ex wife is a b!tch (funny quote about Ex)

_____I know my ABC's A. She's always right B. I'm always wrong C. I'm gonna' get laid if I follow A and B  (famous funny lines)

_____My wife she's no longer interested in me because I'm no longer the man she married  I was so pissed I just buttoned up my dress, put on my wig and stepped out of the room!!!  (great funny status)

_____I'm SO bored! But I've never been bored to tears so I have to fake them. :'( (funny quote about tear)

_____I hate the fact that YOU and I have grown so distant. I wish I could just touch you..ONE MORE TIME. ~me to my toes (stupid funny quote)

_____As soon as I can see, hear, feel, and remember the four things that are gonna happen to me if I call my wife a b!tch... I am gonna think really hard about it. (funny quote about wife)

_____I hate being "right" ~ me, when I'm standing in a two person police lineup....and they say "the guy on the right" (the funny lines)

_____I refuse to post a status about the special Olympics, prostitutes, and catching a slow clap........ I'm no animal.. (funny quote about Olympics)

_____ The reason I never go home alone from a bar or night club, is because I always carry Bounty Paper Towels with me. They are; "The Quicker Picker Upper." (funny quote about club)

_____ I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on... though people think it looks funny....but I personally think that it makes a lovely hat. (hilarious lines)

_____ People don't get high to escape reality, They get high to get there. (funny quot about people)

_____ I floss and spit blood in a cup.. that's how I donate blood (funny quot about blood donation)

_____ I don’t remember what I was gonna say...but Im  sure it was something about weed (funny quote about weed)

_____ They told me do what ever makes you happy. Right now I'm lighting your farts on fire. (funny quotes about farts)

_____ I heard Madonna adopts black kids and Angelina Jolie adopts white kids....I'm wondering when are they gonna  start the game of baby chess. (funny Madonna Angelina quote)

_____ The never-ending wipe.. because just once is never enough. :)

_____ A recent survey proved that they never conducted any survey (funny quote about survey)

_____ What's green and stops you going to work?....Weed. (funny weed status)

_____ You can go crying about your life, but I think I am very lucky that I woke up this morning (funny quote about life)

_____ Look at that sexy guy over there in denim shorts and sandals! I wanna blow him! ~No woman, ever (funny quotes about gay)

_____ my life is sooo complicated ~ everyone says so (funny lines about life)

_____ I woke up this morning feeling blue... which coincidentally is the same name as my balls.

_____Of all the things I have lost I miss your moms phone number the most (yo mama quote)

_____There is more than one way to kill a cat but I usually run them over.

_____I have a bunch of jokes about undelivered letters, but no one ever gets them :( (funny lines)

_____I just ran over the neighbors' cat, but I left a note saying "Curiosity was here" I'm probably safe right? (epic lines)

_____My husband yelled at me for being "too controlling." Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak... (famous funny quote)

_____Violence won’t solve a thing but it totally makes you feel better! (funny quote about violence)

______30 years ago Little Red Corvette by Prince was at the top of the charts. I always wanted one and I finally have one. Not the car... I have a gay friend who is black 

_____People are freaking out cz Madonna showed her nipple during a live concert in Istanbul. I'm just f**king thankful she didn't show her pen!s  (funny quote about Madonna concert)

_____. Anyone who want to open a Joint Account with me at The Weed Bank is welcome. (weed quote)

______ You know what would be awesome? Motorcycle cops taking their arrested perps in on their bike. Yup.

______ I just killed a zombie on my port...or a Jehovah's Witness. Same thing right? (funny zombie quote)

______ I failed my chemistry exam....apparently 1000 bucks is not the right answer for what is nitrate (funny quote about exam)

______ You will never get anywhere if you don't take risks. Like in a little while I"m going to see if I can make it to the gas station before I run out of gas. (funny quote about gas)

______ My boss just yelled at me because he thinks I'm not professional. Naturally, I started crying at my desk. (famous great funny quote)

_____ I would actually wear a speedo...... but I'm self conscience about showing off too much ball cleavage......


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