71 Funny Quotes

_______Listen...I need to know, who is spreading the word on how awesome I am?  (Being awesome quote)
_______Wonder which one of my rich friends in here are willing to send me some money.......I'm broke!! (money borrow quote)
_______Depression - this is when you login into Facebook see all the notifications and you do not know what to do.. (funny depression quote)
_______Kids today are so spoiled with all their electronic gadgets. I remember when all we had for entertainment was a black and white TV with rabbit ears and tin foil on top of the antenna. (funny entertainment quote)
_______Sometimes, late at night, I move the neighbors garbage cans to the middle of the road and laugh when the drunks swerve at the last minute to avoid them......  (drunk quote)
_______Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did......so plz drink all you can from now!!!! (drunk status)
_______I threw a stick at a squirrel...... Then we looked into each other's eyes and we laughed about how short that throw was...... (hilarious status)
_______Wow! I'm writing my name in the air, with these sparklers! Oh... It's over now. :(
_______Please don't annoy me! I've castrated everything on the farm. (funny annoying quote)
_______The best thing about marriage are the affairs. (affair status)
_______My dentist and I are working to bridge the gap...between my teeth (funny dentist quote)
_______I am thinking about showing my boss how hard I work in here to make all of laugh so I can ask him for a raise (funny boss quote)
_______If I was drunk.....you would be reading a much more funnier status right now (funny drunk status)
_______Please don't come over to my house and ask where things are, because I do not know! I JUST moved in two years ago!! (hilarious drunk quote tweet)
_______I've always loved telling jokes about distances...... but I've gone too far this time. (funny distance quote)
_______No, I probably don't want to go with you to a seafood place named Sam & Ella's.
_______I am too old for fighting. Mess with me and I will set your house on fire....and wait outside with a gun (funny fighting quote)
_______''challenge'' is my middle name.. Unless you wanna buy me a house or something..

_______These vegetables I have been eating lately taste like they have been in their wheelchair way too long (famous hilarious quote)
_______i am indrustable.. I am superman.. Ouch...!!! Papercut... Someone call 911! (funny superman quote)
_______I just spent the last one hour sweating, panicked, hyperventilating, NEVER forget your phone at home.. That's some scary sh*t!  (funny phone status)
_______Just enjoyed watching a street performance by the most convincing and dedicated mime artist I've ever seen. He finished acting out a heart attack six hours ago, and he's still lying there. (random funny quote)
_______Jealousy doesn't look good on you. What does jealousy look like? It looks like being envious of the mental patient who has a nice bathrobe. (famous funny quote)
_______Never let anyone put you down....That's my job ! (hilarious quote ever)
_______No, I didn't say you have cute dimples. I said you have a lot of pimples (funny dimple pimple quote)
_______I let a blind guy borrow money from me yesterday, he told me that he'll pay me back the next time he sees me WAIT!! ( ._.) (funny money borrow quote status)
_______I hate people that b!tch about everything they hate on Facebook, but yet they continue to get on Facebook. (funny Facebook lovers quote)
_______I think I might be posting too much stuff in here so today I will try to keep it down...to only 71
_______If you give me a speech about the dangers of my second hand smoke you might suffer from a first hand A$$ kicking. (funny smocking status)
_______Where I live gas prices have dropped 40 cents in 3 weeks but it still has not gone down as much as your Mom (you mama status joke)
_______They say Isaac causes national gas price high but not as much as I'm (Isaac status)
_______People think I'm crazy because apparently they always see me talking to myself....funny enough they wouldn't know that its myself talking to me (crazy quote status)
_______Was going to bake something but the recipe calls for 4 cups of water. Who the hell has 4 measuring cups? (funny recipe quote status)
_______NOTHING CAN MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR ERECTION QUICKER THAN A PHONE CALL FROM YOUR MOTHER
_______your stupidity controls my fist (shortest sarcastic quote)
_______Well kid lemme put it this way...If you still like her after a w*nk, she's the one. (funny kid wink quote status)

_______This girl I met said "My hobbies are gardening and music"... so I was all "That's great, why don't you plant your tulips on my skinflute" (best famous funny love quote status)
_______This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face (funny future punch quote)
_______That frustrating and awkward moment when... you realize that you’re never going to get the damn garden hose to ever roll back up in its original shape. (funny awkward moment quote)
_______last night I was walking a girl home until she turned around and saw me (stalkers status)
_______Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick.. (funny honesty quote)
_______Life would be so much easier if blessings stopped wearing disguises... (funny disguises quote)
_______"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid... (stupid quote)
_______I just got a free bluetooth. I was chewing on the end of my ink pen and it broke open (stupid bluetooth quote)
_______People say I'm sarcastic but I'm just investigating the effects of irony on morons.. (best sarcastic quote ever)
_______And for my next trick, I'll attempt to pay these bills with absolutely NO money in the bank. (funny bill quotes)
_______I wouldn't really say I'm lazy.....everyone has their choices and I just choose to do nothing most times (funniest hilarious lazy quote)
_______I wonder if you used your last nerve to get on my last nerve? Cause man I tell ya, you got your nerves! (funny getting on nerve quote)

_______I really need to jump off this computer and log out of Facebook just so I can jump back on Facebook on my cell phone (funny Facebook addiction quote)
_______"You don't have to live like a refugee. If you don't like it, leave" - Tom Pettys Refugee Camp (funny refugee quote status)
_______When I think about you, I touch myself, and when I say touch myself, I mean scratching my head trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you (funny love quote)
_______I have about decided that facebook is primarily a site where people who are completely screwed up come to lie about how great their life is and people who have it made come to lie about how screwed up their life is (funny Facebook reality)
_______My oldest son just said "mother-f**ker" when he dropped his iPhone ... and I yelled "present". (funny iPhone quote)
_______In my constant effort to improve myself, I started to make a list of all the things I learned througout my life....Why is this page still blank? (funny life lesson quote)
_______I can take a joke, but I can't take it if you take my joke! (funny piracy quote)
_______My 'real' friends keep asking me if I've got a job, because I'm ''never'' on Facebook anymore...
_______3.6 Billion women in the world and not one of them are naked in front of me right now! That just isn't right.. (funny stupid desire)
_______I have no idea how old I am.. I stopped caring after 21 (funny caring quote)
_______I was in the passenger seat of a car on the motorway... Then I thought, Where the f**k has the rest of the car gone? (funniest quotes)
_______The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled. (funny landline phone quote)
_______I just fell over and I think I broke my collar-bone. ROF.
_______People who point out the mistakes in my posts are the typo people I want to pinch in the throat (funny typo quotes)
_______Apparently 'Better late than never' is not the right thing to say at a funeral (funny idioms)
_______I was walking in the park earlier and saw this beautiful lark singing in a blossoming cherry tree and it made me think about how petty life's problems really are. Then I went home and told that story to the people chained up in my basement who keep b!tching about how hungry they are. (awesome funny event quote)
_______You know the drinks are getting to you when the girls at the bar pay you no attention and you think they are playing hard to get. (funny bar girls quote status)

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29 Funny Quotes

_____An ant just ran under my keyboard. I have it under Ctrl (funny ant quote, short funny joke)
_____I don't like people. I go on Facebook because I don't consider anybody on here people, per se, I just prefer the company of statuses and question marks??? (funny Facebook quote status)
_____I can pretty much guarantee that if you want something done right and you ask me to do it, you will never make that mistake again. (best funny quote)
_____Look, I'm in a hurry so let's talk while we're walking........ You go that way and I'll go this way. (hilarious quote status joke)
_____I know you're drunk because your posture ain't that good when you're sober  (witty drunk quote status joke)
_____I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up (funny foot sleep status)
_____Man what a crazy day, I think I am going to hit the restroom and take a power nap  (funny nap quote and status)
_____I would like everyone to take a moment, just a single moment out of your busy day, to think about how lucky you are to know ME!

Your Welcome!  (awesome funny quote)
_____ Well, since you said "no offense, but" at the beginning of your insults about my mom, everything is fine (No offense quote)
_____ Not to brag, but I can make it look as if I'm actually listening to someone for up to 10 minutes.
_____ Every time I see that you like my post, I can't help but think the dirtiest thoughts about that statement

_____I've discovered that the best way to conquer many jobs around the house is to simply say "f**k it" and fall asleep on the couch instead (funny couch quote and status)
_____I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to hang up on you cause you're talking to much

_____This status is copyrighted and may not be reused, rewritten or disseminated in whole or part without the express written consent of Statusfield.blogspot.com © 2012, Statusfield Enterprises, Inc.

_____I'll try anything once. If it kills me I'll never do it again.

_____The thing I don't get about 'no' is the part where I don't get what I want (witty puzzle quote)
_____I'm not saying she's slut, I'm saying she does not sleep in her own bed often (funny slut quote)

_____I think I just broke my retinas reading your status (funny retina quote)
_____Sometimes i like your posts because you are do-able, not because they are likeable (funny doable quote joke)
_____A friend of mine just lost her husband and asked me, "What will I do without him?"

Apparently masturbate was not the answer she wanted to hear (hilarious joke)

_____Mock me for my lame jokes one more time and I'll knock-knock you to the ground
_____"giving up is not an option. Its the plan!" - organized failure (funny give up quote)
_____I broke wind in a business meeting this morning, I was so embarrassed. It didn't smell at all and only the person sitting next to me heard it (funny fart status joke)
_____Scary movies aren't scary at all. Then you go home, get in bed, and hear that first unidentified noise
_____Is it just me or does this status taste funny?

_____If unintentionally making women angry was a competitive sport I would be the undisputed champion (funny champion quote)
_____Sometimes it feels like the world is trying to pull me down. Then I realize I'm not wearing underwear, and it's just gravity

_____My brain is like a well oiled machine.. it may not function properly, but well oiled nonetheless. :) (funny brain quote)
_____Just got back from MySpace...I had fun with the other 6 people who were logged in (funny myspace quote)
_____Ugh. I'm in a relationship with a timeline person.... (funny timeline quote)

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