Outstanding Funny Quotes By Leading Authors

'Here's the Funny, Joyous and Gut-Buster collection of hilarious Quotes and saying by leading authors and top flicks.'

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
– George Burns

The trouble with censor that they they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any.
- Marilyn Monroe

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.
– Will Rogers

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
– Mark Twain

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.
– Jimmy Durante

When women go wrong, men go right after them.
– Mae West



Sonja: Oh don’t, Boris, please. Sex without love is an empty experience.
Boris: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.
– Love and Death

When we are born we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools.
– William Shakespeare

The next time you have a thought… let it go.
– Ron White

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain

There are times not to flirt. When you’re sick. When you’re with children. When you’re on the witness stand.
– Joyce Jillson

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?
– Ernest Hemingway

If Your boyfriend wants you for your breast, thighs and legs, send him to KFC. You’re a lady, not a cheap value meal.
– Wiz Khalifa

I’ll die young, but it’s like kissing God.
– Lenny Bruce

Kara Monahan: My closest relationship is with my Blackberry, Thank God it vibrates!
– Valentine’s Day

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
– Mae West

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.
– Winston Churchill

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.
– Steve Martin

It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
– Tallulah Bankhead

Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
– Mitch Hedberg

Countess Alexandrovna: You’re disgusting, but I love you.
Boris: Well, my disgustingness is my best feature.
– Love and Death

Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
– Victor Borge

I only have ‘yes’ men around me. Who needs ‘no’ men?
– Mae West

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.
– Oscar Wilde

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!
– Dr. Seuss

The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life.
– Oscar Wilde

Without fools the rest of us could not succeed.
– Mark Twain

he brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
– Robert Frost

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
– Steve Martin

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
– Mark Twain

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.
– Mark Twain

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
– Robert Frost

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
– Mark Twain

No, I’m just a very naughty boy. I do all sorts of bad things. I kick kittens. I make rude gestures at nuns.
– Cassandra Clare