Top 50 Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes ! Funny Quotes !! Funny Quotes !!! have much more Funny Quotes. But Today I am sharing here Top 50 Funny Quotes.


1. ”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

2. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - Will Rogers. - Funny Quotes

3. “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz. - Funny Quotes

4. ”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes





5. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” - Brian Gerald O’Driscoll. - Funny Quotes

6. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” - Oscar Wilde

7. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28). - Funny Quotes

8. “The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

9. “The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” - Albert Einstein. - Funny Quotes

10. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

11. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” - Bill McGlashen. - Funny Quotes

12. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” - Marilyn Monroe. - Funny Quotes

13. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” - Al McGuire. - Funny Quotes

14. “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain. - Funny Quotes

15. “Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

16. ”If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam Levenson. - Funny Quotes

17. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson. - Funny Quotes

18. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein. - Funny Quotes

19. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers. - Funny Quotes

20. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Steven Wright. - Funny Quotes
21. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” - Jack Handey. - Funny Quotes

22. ”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

23. “If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” - Milton Berle. - Funny Quotes

24. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

25. “I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

26. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” - Robert Frost. - Funny Quotes

27. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” - Zig Ziglar. - Funny Quotes

28. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” - Emo Philips. - Funny Quotes

29. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” - Bob Hope. - Funny Quotes

30. “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.’” - The Maugles. - Funny Quotes

31. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” - Isaac Asimov. - Funny Quotes

32. “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” - Barbra Streisand. - Funny Quotes

33. “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” - Harry S. Truman. - Funny Quotes

34. “We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

35. “If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

36. “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” - Jack Nicholson. - Funny Quotes

37. “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” - Woody Allen. - Funny Quotes

38. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

39. “Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

40. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” - Wilson Mizner. - Funny Quotes
41. “Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.’” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

42. “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

43. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” - Emo Philips. - Funny Quotes

44. “Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

45. “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

46. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” - Oscar Wilde. - Funny Quotes

47. “Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

48. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.” - Ashleigh Brilliant. - Funny Quotes

49. “I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” - Axel Rose. - Funny Quotes

50. “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes