Nursery Rhymes - Not The Way I Remember Them

Nursery Rhymes - Not exactly the way I remember them…

Mary had a little lamb,

She tied it to a heater.

Every time he turned around

He burnt his little…elbow.

*****

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of Pork went up

She shot the little bastard.

*****

Mary had a little lamb,

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

Between two chunks of bread.

*****

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard

To get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over

Rover took over

‘Cos he had a bone of his own.

*****

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

*****

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To do what they shouldn’t outta.

They came down,

Jack with a frown,

And Jill with a dollar and a quarter.

*****

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King’s horses and All the King’s men

Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

*****

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle

All over the bedside clock.

The cat thought it was fun

But died of electric shock.

*****

Georgie Porgy pudding pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too ‘cos he was gay.

*****

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad…

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.

*****

You have to be old enough to appreciate these.

If you don’t understand them, it’s because you’re too young!