Funny One Liner Quotes

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1. Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.
2. My luck is so bad that last week I went out of town and one of my friend ran with his beloved. Now everyone kept on calling me to inquire about them.
3. Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
4. Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
5. Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
6. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
7. Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse'
8. 'Truth or dare' should be renamed to 'Interrogation or Humiliation'
9. The kids across the street challenged me to a water fight, so I'm currently boiling the water.
10. How could I miss you if you won’t go away?
11. To the human - Brain is everything. But in your case, it's nothing.
12. Etc. – End of Talking Capacity.
13. I always take life with a grain of salt..plus a slice of lemon and a shot tequila.
14. That hilarious moment when your dentist keeps asking you questions while their hands are in your mouth.
15. So what if their jokes are funny - If I don't like them, I am not going to laugh.
16. No I'm not lazy, I'm on energy saving mode.
17. Thank you for not trying to raise my consciousness.
18. I wish I could mute people.
19. "Do me a favor?" "Does it involve me getting up?" "...Yes." "Then no.
20. Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
21. It's funny, we all really, really got along. I don't know how it was in years past but this year, I was really with a good group of people. No one tried to sabotage each other or steal the other ones moments.
    - LaToya London
22. One mistake and everyone starts judging you.
23. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
24. No, I am not looking for a stable relationship.. All I need is a stable internet connection.
25. I just close my eyes for a second and wake and notice I've slept for 0 minutes.
26. My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her. The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.
27. I hate how spiders just sit there on the walls and act like they pay rent.
28. We all have that one person we wish we had never gave our phone number to.
29. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
30. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
    - Emo Philips
31. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
32. This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.
33. Admit that you say, "Just kidding".. But you're actually dead serious.
34. Sometimes, talking to people is like talking to a wall.
35. When you forget your wallet on your date.
36. What's the best thing to do if you want to keep your hair when it starts falling out? Put it in a box.
37. That awkward moment when you’ve fallen down on a trampoline and bitches won’t stop jumping so you can’t get up.
38. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. She only gargled.
39. Friend: Omg, your parents are so nice!
    Me: It's because you're here.
40. Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
41. That annoying moment when your friend is a friend with the person you hate.
42. Why does the computer programmer ignore the warning on the cigarette carton? Because he's seen so many warnings he only cares about errors.
43. Do you have room in your life for another friend?
44. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?
45. A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.
46. I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
47. Person: "Hey are you okay?" Me: "Yeah, just having a bad day.. week.. month.. year.. life.. existence."
48. In humor you will find a lot of truth. When last did you hear a joke about a father in law?
49. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
50. If you are going through hell, keep going.
51. From the moment I saw you, I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
52. Pretending to think hard when your teacher is looking at you.
53. Finding money from my clothes is like a gift to me from me.
54. Everyone's problems. Morning brings Laziness, Afternoon brings dying for a rest and Night brings Can't sleep.