1.
Debbie: [to Alison] Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?
2.
Ben Stone: [to Alison] I'm sorry I'm sweating on you...
Alison Scott: Okay, just stop talking.
3.
Jonah: I'm going to murderball you!
4.
Pete: Just don't ask me to lend you any money.
Ben Stone: Can I just - have some?
5.
Jason: She looks really... smart.
6.
Alison Scott: [to Debbie] What do you think? He's funny, right?
Ben Stone: [to Debbie's kids] Fetch!
Debbie: [to Alison] He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.
7.
Jonah: Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?
Martin: Oh, another beard joke?
Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: It was really awkward.
Jonah: See ya... Scorcese on coke.
8.
Alison Scott: I was drunk!
Ben Stone: Was your vagina drunk?
9.
Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.
10.
Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
11.
Debbie: You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean.
12.
Ben's Dad: Life doesn't care about your vision. You just gotta roll with it.
13.
Pete: Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love.
14.
Young Doctor: How long you kids been married?
Ben Stone: We're not married.
Young Doctor: Are you single?
Ben Stone: She's not single, she's just not married.
Young Doctor: Are you two together?
15.
Jason: You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head.
16.
Pete: [taking his hand out of his mouth after doing magic mushrooms] Tastes like a rainbow.
17.
Dr. Pellagrino: [after staring at Allison's vagina for the gynecology appointment] Wow, you do look like your sister!
18.
Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben Stone: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.
19.
Debbie: [to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and f each other.
Pete: Who needs a time machine?
20.
Debbie: Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band?
Pete: I went to the movies.
Debbie: With who?
Pete: By myself.
Debbie: What'd you see?
Pete: Spider-Man 3.
Debbie: Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go?
Pete: Because I needed to get away, you know. With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself.
Debbie: I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.
[Debbie holds back tears]
Debbie: You're not the only one.
Pete: It's not that big of a deal.
Debbie: I like Spider-Man.
Pete: Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.
Debbie: I don't want to go see it now.
Pete: Well...
Debbie: I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to just come up with it on your own.
Pete: What? I don't even know what to say. Uh, what do you want me to do?
Debbie: You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean.
Pete: I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You're telling me I need to be honest. Just...
Debbie: No, you're not. You're lying.
Pete: I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit.
Debbie: You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore. Okay?
Pete: Come on.
21.
Ben Stone: What time is it?
Alison Scott: 7:30
Ben Stone: Why the f are we awake? Let's go back to sleep.
Alison Scott: I have to go to work.
Ben Stone: Really?
Alison Scott: Uh, do you need to... get to work or anything?
Ben Stone: No, I'm uh... no work today hahahaha.
22.
Jonah: Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck - it's dangerous.
23.
Ben Stone: I live in your phone!
24.
Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Pregnant... with emotion?
Alison Scott: Pregnant with a baby.
25.
[Alison's friends see she's pregnant]
Ben Stone: You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.
26.
Ben Stone: Oh yeah... It's a girl. Buy some pink shit!
27.
Jodi: [to Allison] You wanna trade boyfriends? Ha. Just kidding. Kind of.
28.
Ben's Dad: I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Ben Stone: I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Ben's Dad: Yes.
Ben Stone: Now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for YOU...
29.
Jay: [to Martin] That's the fun; you're supposed to be tempted into shaving.
30
Jason: Granted, gynecology is only a hobby of mine, but it sounds to me like she's crowning.
31
Jonah: Dude, I didn't go to Yale to work 24 hours a day.
Jason: Dude, you went to a city college.
Jonah: I went where I went, alright?
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