66 Funny Quotes

______Tried out a new pick up line last night and well needless to say ...my couch pulls out but I dont... Is not successful (pick up lines)

______My life before Facebook was boring... but now after Facebook it's just pathetic (funny quotes about Facebook)

______If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine. (funny quote about Olympics)

______Tried painting by numbers... but somebody beat me to it, and painted my whole phone book yellow!

______If you didn't hump Christina Ricci... then you're doing Wednesday wrong. (funny Wednesday quotes)

______I bet if they let someone with a split personality enter into the Synchronized Diving event in the Summer Olympics, they'd be damned unstoppable! (funny Olympics quote)

_______Whenever I ask my wife if she has a minute, she thinks it's because I'm horny. (funny wife quote)

_______My 3 year old was in the tub and he discovered his balls. He asked, "Dad are these my brains?" I caught a little tear and proclaimed with great pride, "Not yet my son...Not yet!" (memorable funny quote)

_______The only time I use the metric system is when a woman asks me how BIG I am (Metric system quotes)

_______I think to make the Olympic medal ceremony better the athletes should dress up like Q-Bert and hop up the steps.... (funny Olympics status)

_______I was pleasantly surprised by the nice morning rainfall. I thought it was gonna be another dry hump day. (funny hump day quote)

_______I'm pretty sure my nosy co-worker wants to be an Olympian. He just won a gold meddle in "not minding his own business." (Famous funny quote)

_______The banana I'm about to eat has the slightest curve at the tip.  Mama needs a bathroom break before I peel open this beauty. (funny banana quote)

_______I have a sneaking suspicion that agoraphobics love inside jokes. (short joke)

_______I think of myself as well conditioned athlete as a matter of fact last night I won the pole vaulting competition in my bed. (funny Athlete quote)

_______Don’t mess with me. I know how to sit still for a tattoo. (funny tattoo quote)

_______I fell in love with her before she had even uttered 140 characters. I was twitterpated (funny tweets)

_______I just watched Greece, Spain and Portugal take gold, silver and bronze in Synchronized Bankruptcy (funny Olympian quote)

_______I can't stand people who waste my time...because time is money, got my money on my mind all the time and the mind is a terrible thing to waste! Something like that! (funny time quote  status)

_______I'm in the dressing room at Walmart and no one wants a hug. (Walmart quotes)

_______A lady got all mad at me because I held the both doors open for her (funny situations)

_______Bored ?....Make your life more interesting by simply using a powerful genie to grant your wildest wishes and dreams....  (bored quotes)

_______Let's play hide and seek. You hide and I'll count to one hundred trillion, six hundred forty five million and nine. (stupid funny quote)

_______Watching the Female gymnasts this evening made me realise that I can achieve my dream...of eating a family size bag of M&M's all by myself ! (funny female gymnastic quote)

_______I'm not sure what you guys think, but this new dandruff flakes cereal doesn't taste very good to me (funny dandruff quote)

_______Women who make sammiches for their man get laid more then those who don't. Guys.....stay with me on this one! (getting laid quote)

_______I was at the bar last night, and this woman told me I just dont want to be alone tonight so I took her home.......and let her pick out one of the puppies my dog just had. (bar quote)

_______Don't know what to believe any more. You think you know someone and then you find out the Mr. Bean could actually talk all those years (funny Mr. Bean quotes)

_______There's no reason any self-respecting man should stay on the dance floor when "Drop It Low" comes on (funny self respecting quote)

_______My favorite part of the evening is where I punch you to end it. (funny evening quote)

_______No matter how good you are, there's always someone better on youtube. (funny youtube quote)

_______How was I supposed to know it was a midget that hung itself?!? Looked like a keychain to me...... (Midget status)

_______Rise and Shiner! The first person that mess with me today is getting a black eye. (funny black eye quote)

_______I had a nightmare last night, I was living in Alabama. It was the most terrifying dream I've ever had. (funny nightmare)

_______I don't know if this is just me but I've never actually found any briefcases that contains actual briefs! (funny brief quotes)

_______Whenever I'm faced with what is possibly a life-altering choice to make, I choose extra-strength ribbed with the reservoir tip. (funny life quote)

_______R.I.P. to all those people that called the Suicide Hotline with their T-Mobile phones (funny T Mobile quotes)

_______Cop: Have you been drinking? Me: *sips beer Cop: That was stupid. Me: So was your question. (funny cop status)

_______When I say I grew up during the depression, I'm referring to my mother's. (funny depression quote) 

_______Someone just told me my shoe was untied, then walked away before I had a chance to tie it... which tells me they didn't really care! (famous funny quote)

_______I'll bet if they remade "Charles in Charge" with Charles Barkley, it would be terrible....just terrible (funny inspirational quote status)

_______Certain stores now give a discount for paying with cash. Just like your mom (you mama jokes)

_______Just tried my first power shake. Pretty sure I threw out my back. (funny power quote)

_______Didn't do anything today. Getting stoned was the highpoint of my day. (getting high quote status)

_______Today I killed two birds with one 12 gauge shotgun, because you would have to be a real idiot to try to use a stone in this day and age. ;-) (funny inspirational phrase quote status)

_______you know....I'm not sure if there's anything more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye....looking up at you while giving you head. (giving you head quote)

_______Breaking News. 3 Chik-fil-A Cows come out of the closet. CEO is selling them to McDonald's (funny Chick fil A breaking news)

_______I really like that song Lips of an Angel but I like your moms version better (funny song quote)

_______I try to make wishes come true. By pulling out one eyelash at a time. (funny wishes)

_______A human being has 7 trillion nerves.... she manages to get on every one of them. (sarcastic quote)

_______It wasn't until she blindly grabbed and washed her face with one of my socks... did she then decide it was time for "His & Her" hand towels. (witty status ideas)

_______That mini heart attack when you come to know that your girlfriend is dead :P (hilarious status ideas)

_______I hit a hornets nest last night.OK.It was a whore in net stockings,but I did hit her nest

_______I was fighting with this guy over who's lazier. I let him win. (lazy status quote)

_______The worst part of doing laundry is finding a spot on my bed to sleep when I don't put it away for 3 days.

_______As a married man of course I look at other women. Just because I drive a Dodge doesnt mean I can't dream that it's a Porsche (funny marriage quotes)

_______:-) :-( :-D :-| ;) ;^) :'-) :/ (-_-) - HEYY!!! Stop playing with my emoticons!! (funny emoticon quote)

_______Those gymnasts gals are awfully bendy. It's a real shame they don't make them in adult sizes. (funny gymnast quote status)

_______Some guy called me retarded today..............So I strapped on my helmet and called him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (funny Facebook status idea)

_______I think the neighbors need a wake up call, this roman candle in their doggie door should do the trick

_______Since my bathroom light bulb blew out and I am drunk, pissing is like being in the Special Olympics. (funny Olympics tweet)

_______You know that time I always thought about you? Yeah, I can't stop thinking about what the hell i was thinking either! (funny sarcastic status)

_______Every so often, I like to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I have no idea what it means. (funny grammar quote status)

_______If you just meet a girl and you don't know if she's a b!tch or not, offer her some toast. B!tches love toast. (funny girl quote status)

_______I skipped the downward spiral and took the unexpected faceplant.

_______My friends are always saying that I am easily angered. It makes me so mad! (low temper quote)

_______Just blew my nose with a dryer sheet... just incase you're looking for someone to do your laundry with a box of Kleenex! (funny laundry status)


You May Also Like

20 Funny Quotes

21 Funny Quotes

22 Funny Quotes