63 Funny Quotes

______Apparently, it is easier to explain to your parents that you joined a cult than it is to explain to them what Facebook is (funny quotes about Facebook)

______I look back on my high class stripper days with sweet memories....sweet money making get rich quick memories. (Stripper Quotes)

______Here's the thing: Do not waste a perfectly good ringtone on someone who is not ever going to call (great love quote)

______Life is hard.. which is ironic because I plan on f**k' it today. :) (funny quote about Life)

______The person that coined the phrase, "The early bird gets the worm" never said it applied to owls also and that's why I don't leave my bedroom window open at night...................anymore. (Funny Phrase)

______Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to play with my balls because I never have time during the day to play sports.. (funny Quotes about Sports)

______Walking into a Liquor Store.... with a pocketful of my own cash money ......to buy PBR...... makes me feel like a straight gangster... (funny gangster quotes)

______Tried speed dating last night... I'm out about a kilo of coke, but the moat I dug around her house really compliments the landscaping! (funny dating quotes)

______Tried one of those dove bars... Worst soap I ever tasted. (funny bar quote)

______Facebook is like my fridge.I know there is nothing but I still can't help but check every 10 minutes (funny Facebook status)

______I hate it when my girlfriend is all like, hey look at me! I don't exist! (funny girlfriend status)

______Some people have problem solving skills, but most have excellent problem causing skills. (funny quotes about skills)

______If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy. 

______i’m not saying you are stupid.... but if I were to think of the 5 most ignorant people I know... you would be 3 of them (funny quotes about stupid people)

______When I die I cannot be cremated...I will need my body for the zombie apocalypse. (Zombie status)

______You're not even here yet and I already hate you Monday! (shakes fist)  (funny Monday status)

______I want to open up a ribeye restaurant.....and call it "Ribbed For Your Pleasure" (pleasure quotes)

______ Seems to me that the longer you're married, the more often you check your spam email. (funny quotes about marriage)

______ About to watch Magic Mike. You know... because of all the chicks and shit. (funny quote about Magic Mike)

______Last night I stared at the moon for a half hour before I realized it was just your mom sitting on my face (sarcastic quote)

______I'll bet curbside couches have some pretty disturbing stories to tell. (funny couch status)

______Really should warn people when I'm drinking. I'll put on the party hat <[:) (funny emoticon status)

______Silly rabbit, If the pills are out of date you just double the dose. Everybody knows that fool... (short joke)

______The pinky toe: Completely useless except to remind you that your pain sensory receptors still work perfectly... (pinky Toe quotes)

______You know ladies, men probably wouldn't cringe when you say "we need to talk,"...... if occasionally you said "we need to f**k" instead..... (one liner joke)

______I may not have a very good memory, but at least I.......Wait......What was I talking about?(funny quote status about bad memory)

______‎i have lost the belief in the logic of staying sober.. :-) (funny status about being sober)

______My friend and I decided to have a contest on who can hold their coffee the longest...Goddamn bladder!! (funny contest)

______This case of beer is tasting like I'm not going to be on time for work tomorrow morning (funny beer quotes)

______i think angry birds game is a great revenge on the whole morning noises they make..!! (funny quotes about Angry Birds)

______If i am wrong, who the hell is write :-p (famous funny status)

______I have the strangest urge to slap on a kilt, march down the middle of our neighborhood and scream FRrrreeeeeeedom! (funny freedom status)

______When I was little,I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed...now that Im older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.. (funny Lines)

______You'd be amazed at how much fun you can have with a pink rubber glove, half a gallon of plain yogurt, a roll of sticky tape, a horny bull and a rookie farmhand. (great funny quote)

______Hate when it rains cats and dogs because I keep stepping in poodles. (funny poodles quote)

______I live in a brick house, and I throw glass at people. I'm assuming that's okay (the punchline)

______Working in a crematorium... is a sure-fire way to earn a living. 

______Thousands of people were fooled by “Mermaids: The Body Found” show on Animal Planet. Bahahahaha! I don't even need to make a joke. (funny quotes about Animal Planet)

______I'm on a shoe string budget. Literally, all I can afford is one shoe string. (funny quote about inflation)

______Charity begins at home. Especially if you're on welfare. (funny charity quotes)

______Saw a guy today with an ''Only God can judge me'' tattoo, see that's where you're wrong, If I can see you, I can judge you and the verdicts bad....

______If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place. (awesome funny quote)

______Petard is a real word. But its also what I call Peter, my retarded co-worker (funny status about coworker).

______All that glitters is not gold. Could just be sparkly rocks (Funniest quotes)

______I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me....control that sh!t (funny sneezing status)

______Apparently the height of my business success occurred at age 14 while playing Monopoly. (Monopoly quotes)

______days when my underwear matches my outfit make me feel like I've really got it together. (good old days)

______That commercial with Hillary Duff telling us not to use the word "gay" to describe something stupid is so gay. (funny commercials)

______My ex-girlfriend came in to work today during lunch and I must admit, I was really happy to see her...I am an undertaker. (funny ex-girlfriend quote)

______Drug dealers who don't answer their phone are sh!tty businessmen. (funny ideas about Facebook Status)

______People now call me 'Wonder Mike' I had to retire all the magic. (Funny Magic Mike status)

______People who act up on the internet with others are probably the same people who yell at other drivers from the safety of their own cars. (funny internet status)

______My wife asked me to warm up the bed for her...So I pissed on her side.  (great funniest status ever)

______I'd rather get cussed out in Spanish than take a beating, because Spicks and stones may break my bones.... (Funny Spanish Quotes)

______Even I was a little surprised by how casually “Oh, I'll just swing by my office and grab my bottle of vodka” just slipped off the tongue (funny Vodka Quotes)

______I was doing shadow puppets for my kid on my porch. All of a sudden five thugs beat the living crap out of me. Apparently the double crocodile is a bad gang sign (funny Facebook status ideas)

______I can't believe you told everyone our secret. That was between me, you and your legs. (funny secret quotes)

______Just sitting here trying to think outside of the box, '30 pack of Bud' that is.

______My refrigerator stopped running. Quick give me some kids phone numbers!

______I REALLY hate it when I say the wrong thing because there's NO WAY I'm putting my foot in my mouth. (stupid status)

______Kegel, kegel, squirt, squirt... I wish I wasn't wearin' a skirt. :)

______Ladies guys really don't care if the carpet matches the drapes...they are more concerned if you got a "welcome" mat (funny Welcome Quotes)

______I'm so poor. When I reached for my piggy bank on the dresser, it looked at me and said; "b!tch please." (b!tch Please Status)

______If you've never been so hung over that you had to shower sitting down, you're probably a way more respectable member of society than I am. (funny society quotes)


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